Broke me, please. All you did was show me how strong I really am. I will bend but not break.
I won’t force conversation. I won’t force attention or love. Anything forced isn’t worth fighting for.
It’s not my job to make you love me. It’s my job to show someone who I really am and let them love me if they want to. No begging.
Sometimes someone comes into your life that changes everything. I’m so scared to lose – I will never find anyone else.
When you see someone change and find enlightenment – loving, smiling, happy – there is a light shining. That light you see – They went into the darkness to find it!
God will put me back together right in front of the people who broke me.
If you haven’t been in my shoes don’t try to tell me how to tie my own laces.
Fight – or take the easy way out.
If I’m amazing – I’m not easy! If I’m worth it – you won’t give up! If you give up you’re not worthy!
I found love the claimed my soul!
I let go of everything and everybody. I went through my own door and became who I want.
I’m not perfect, but you will miss me when I’m gone – there is a cost to losing me – you will lose something if you lose me.
I lost someone who didn’t care about me – you lost somebody who would have done anything for you!
I know I am healing because inconsistency isn’t attractive. I close the door and people I should’ve closed the door on a long time ago. People’s actions and words I’m not interested in repeating my actions. I’m not interested in giving multiple chances – I’m past that.
I want someone who says one let’s fix this and two I can’t lose you.
This year I’ve met the most broken version of me, but also the strongest.
Do I want you in my life? Yeah! Am I going to chase you? No! Choose me or lose me! I am not a back up plan and definitely not a second choice! I know my worth!
A wise man once said: if you’re angry… You’re living in the past! If you are fearful you were living in the future. If you were at peace… You were living in the present. This is where life starts to make sense!
Happiness is a choice not a result nothing will make you happy if you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you.
I got the job at Kohl’s Dash store support lead! I am fucking stoked – job doesn’t start for two weeks those September 6! So I need something in the meantime. I need to call Sustany Sober Living and see what they will say! IOP is said as soon as I can drive or find a virtual IOP to attend! So I’m pretty set in a sense! That makes me happy. It’s the next two weeks I worry about.￼
It’s hard with Michael drinking and smoking pot – I still want to partake. So far I am really good – I just keep thinking about the laughter I have with Mike and Connor – I don’t want to miss that anymore – I want that back! That in and of itself keeps me sober!!!
So on Tuesday I’ve been awarded with Mike conciliation counseling. He could have refused but he did not what does that mean! Well it means I better start getting questions and answers ready… Where do I start! Questions he may ask? I don’t know? I can’t even think of anything at the moment I’m nervous and scared and excited all at the same time.
Monday morning at the campsite with Michael. I need to figure out my life. I can’t live like this. I have a job interview, my second, with Kohl’s and Prescott Valley. I hope I can get it and that Dave Seymour calls me back. I need to get another Sober Living. I need a job, a place to live, and forget about my family as they have forgotten about me! I can’t believe they will not help me at all. My dad actually told me to go to a homeless shelter. Seriously! Nothing like saying your only child is a loser. Michael is being pretty gracious considering he doesn’t have to help me out. Just sitting on hold with Blue Cross Blue Shield and my medication list since my medication list. Since my medication‘s were stolen from my lock box. It’s a lot frustrating I need to work on my blog – badly. I need to get to the courthouse and library badly. I have so much to do and barely a way to do it. Had a job interview for the store support lead, SSL, position it’s an admin position. I really hope I get it – this job will be awesome if I do! So I need a job and a place to say and I’d probably need IOP again. I told the court system I would do IOP and I want to hold true to that I just don’t know how I’m going to get to and from.
So after I got dropped off by The paramedic my old friend Michael picked me up and loaded my stuff in the back of his SUV and we sat and talked for a bit then we went and had coffee and he dropped me off so I could take the parenting class.
Sitting in the coparenting education class she’s speaking, I’m just having such a hard time. It is official no Mike, no Connor. I’m going to lose everything. I’m trying to get my shit together, but I’m not doing well at it. I keep trying, but Mike just left me high and dry. I need to get some things accomplished. But how? I’m screwed in this divorce. I guess I’m still in the emotional state. Says the speaker. It hurts so bad! I’m just not sure what to do? Well, the emotional part of the class is over. It’s now for the divorce – Family law portion.
I learned a lot and very little in the family law portion. I’m not sure what to do but I have to do some thing I guess I’ll figure out that this week.
they gave us a public access app called apps. Supreme Court that’s why I found out that I had returned mail and I must go and see what it isthey gave us a public access app called apps. Supreme Court that’s why I found out that I had returned mail and I must go and see what it is
Michael pick me up and said we are going to go camping. He would pay for the camping. So off to hilltop campgrounds I go.
At least I have all my vitamins. I have a couple Kratom pills. I took two of them trying to stabilize my mood I won’t be able to see the psych nurse until the 15th or 17th I can’t remember so I can get my medication refilled. tonight’s the house meeting and I have to pay what I can for the rent here. I don’t know I i’m really struggling right now. I got the rental car returned. I’m trying to color right now just to keep my anxiety down. I sent Mike an email trying to ask him for some help and tell what the situation is. I used to be able to text email and mail Mike and he accepted all of it now I got a letter from the attorney actually an email from the attorney after I sent this email to Mike saying that I’m violating the order of protection. So Mike no longer accepts any correspondence from me anymore. Here’s the emails that were sent…
So that’s what I wrote and the attorney came back and I said Mike was accepting and she said he no longer is. So then there’s that but wait the day gets even better… So I leave to go get a money order to pay what I can for the rent I don’t understand their math considering I haven’t even been there a week and after the $200 I just paid they’re saying I owe $393 more. I’m a bit confused and I’m trying to have them explain to me the math it still doesn’t make sense. So here’s where we get to the big one… We’re sitting in the meeting and the girl Abby says there was a Keaton pill found outside. At this point I’m thinking of myself oh shit… Are we not allowed to take those is what’s going through my mind I mean it’s a pill it’s a vitamin it’s over-the-counter it’s not marijuana but here we go again I should just keep my mouth shut sometimes. The answer to that would be capital N capital O… No. So I said that they were mine and then I took them to try to help because their mood enhancing my anxiety I mean fuck I only took two. Let’s just say wrong answer. Because of that point I had left some 15 minutes to leave the premises I was expelled. So another girl help me get my stuff into the back of your car not all of it yet again but Sam and she takes me to the crisis center why I don’t know but she says they’ll be able to fix my medication here. I have to be at a parenting class tomorrow at 8:30 AM so I’m talking to the people at the crisis center and they said yeah it’s 24 hours but you’ll never be able to get out of here in time. So I’m trying to figure out where I’m going to go and how I’m going to get to my parenting class but if I don’t go I’m being held in contempt of court and I only have a certain time frame to get this done 45 days from the date the divorce was sent or I was served. But Polaris behavioral health crisis They really did help me out now with medication and
not being admitted however they gave me a sack lunch to eat since I hadn’t eaten dinner. Allowed me to rest for a little bit. And take me to the courthouse in the morning. One of the gentleman who works there a paramedic so nice we sat and we talked for a little bit when I got there and he said well we don’t want you to drink and I said I’m not going to I already destroyed my life I have a parenting class I have to get to the no judge is gonnaCenter, was amazing. They really did help me out now with medication and not being admitted however they gave me a sack lunch to eat since I hadn’t eaten dinner. Allowed me to rest for a little bit. And take me to the courthouse in the morning. One of the gentleman who works there a paramedic so nice we sat and we talked for a little bit when I got there and he said well we don’t want you to drink and I said I’m not going to I already destroyed my life I have a parenting class I have to get to the no judge is gonnaThey really did help me out now with medication and not being admitted however they gave me a sack lunch to eat since I hadn’t eaten dinner. Allowed me to rest for a little bit. And take me to the courthouse in the morning. One of the gentleman who works there a paramedic so nice we sat and we talked for a little bit when I got there and he said well we don’t want you to drink and I said I’m not going to I already destroyed my life I have a parenting class I have to get to the no judge is going to Let you off the hook of not for that kind of thing. My kid is more important my life is more important than drinking. So that’s what happened.
Finally got paid. So I could go get a rental car. Mike’s attorney said I couldn’t pick up my computer and laptop on that day as they weren’t available. Still trying to get my phone from Tracie but I can’t seem to get a hold of her. So I’m on my way to Mesa to see if I can get some of my stuff back.my anxiety is through the roof I haven’t had any of my medication’s for over a week now and hopefully when I get to meet I’ll be able to take them. I get to Mesa and only one person is at the house I grab what I can as fast as I can and leave I get to a certain point I stop the car and I grab my lockbox only to find that it’s empty. My jewelry is gone my medication‘s are gone. When I get back to the house I realize a girl stole all of my clothes and packed my stuff with her clothes. I know I only have four pairs of shoes and a handful of my own clothes. My sheets are gone except for my pillows and pillowcases that I had to takeoff Another girls bed. I am missing so much stuff I am beside myself. I think I’ll text Mike tomorrow and try to see if he can help me. The bedbug bites are finally starting to go away that house is so nasty I can’t even begin to tell you.
Woke up at 5 AM. Abigail‘s alarm had been going off for some time – and it was time for me to get up to – I suppose! I need to get a few things done I’ve called Avni and Tracie that needed to be done. I need to unload the dishwasher and reload the dishwasher. Take a bath and clean myself find trash bags right make a letter. Bus to the area near Lowe’s. So I walked all the way to DES and got nowhere today but a blister on my foot 2 miles/4 miles round-trip for nothing! Well not for anything– I did get a nice walk and my address updated. I’m having a real hard time today with my stuff being in hiatus. As of right now I don’t believe I have insurance. Not according to the divorce paperwork. My husband as loving as he was almost 4 months ago has left me with nothing. And would seem I want to want nothing from me. For as angry as he is – just proves he is still in love with me. I know seems delusional but I did break his heart. I hurt him and Connor dearly. It seems I’m not fighting, but I am – the good fight! I’m not slinging stones, spitting at or being degrading.No that’s genuinely not my nature at all. Why am I know – same reason I’m still at sober living facility. I’m proving my point. I am not nor will I ever drink again. I got this and I have this! I am up and it’s 3:17 AM this is what happens if I don’t take my medication – insomnia to start. My meds are at not so “brand new life “. – that shit hole! Anyway, tomorrow I’ll have my medication. So, not too much harm or foul. I do not like not taking it.
I have been tossing and turning about Mike all night long. Between the arguments in my head to the crying of sadness. There is no sleep for the weary. I am definitely wary. Moneywise I think I have a plan. If I sell the TV, surround sound system, furniture I may get enough to pay my restitution in classes.
I have prayed all day long hands and knees – I walked 2 miles to the library to make copies for this nightmare I am in called a divorce from the person you love the most. I see his side but I just wish she would see anything positive when it came from me. I’m working so hard.
I’m sitting here with my thumb in my ass waiting to get paid so I can rent a car – I’m fucking believable. All night, morning now the damn afternoon it’s ridiculous actually! Truly frustrating to say the least! I’m going to lose my shit! I’m so tired of waiting! I try not to procrastinate but it’s hard when I have 20 million things to get done! Still waiting it’s 4:49 PM.
So here I sit in a hotel room in Ashfork without a phone to get a ride anywhere. I need to get my shit together. I feel like I did when I moved to San Diego. Constantly helpless. If it wasn’t bad luck I’d have no luck is what my friends used to say to me. Then I met Mike and my whole world and perspective on the world got better. Bad things still happened but it was me and my conquering the world.You know God – you’ve made your point! I am not a survivor nor do I have survivor in stinks. I am feeling mercilessly. One thing, after one thing. After another. It shouldn’t be this way. Mike should have/is/has been helping – my God just a little help and I would be OK. I need to get my own shit together! Mike and I are over for now. I don’t know if there is hope and I need to get it together on my own or I will never see my son! I want to call Mike 1 million fucking names right now, but it won’t do any good I am here all alone –After another. It shouldn’t be this way. Mike should have/is/has been helping – my God just a little help and I would be OK.independence from Mike and his control freak nature – I have it now! So what am I going to do with it? First get the fuck out of this hotel get my phone my change of clothes and my Vape from Tracie call for a ride to Prescott and get back to me said get my things then get a ride to PV to the new house. All the while calling Lowe’s debt consolidation Chase Bank etc. – not to mention Vince an old friend of Michael’s who can give me some legal advice.. Because now the gloves are off he has an attorney that can now take what is it I need it from Mike by filing the right paperwork for me so I don’t seem so sad and desperate. I have faith in myself – I need to! My life balance is in limbo and I just can’t do this anymore. So let’s do this Shannon! So still no phone still no Tracie went to the tourist center museum and Ashfork and Debbie the volunteer running the museum Has been so helpful in helping me try to locate Tracie or my phone it’s starting to get late and I’m worried. If it gets late I’m incredibly screwed and walk to her grandpa’s house, the sheriffs department, made countless phone calls including Tracie’s aunt Faye. Yet no Tracie and no phone realizing she has my tennis shoes my pencil bag phone and Vape. I hope the sheriffs can help.
A deputy went looking for Tracie’s car off Bullock Road, but it wasn’t there. So I am on a assist, citizens assist ride to Sober Living in Preskett Valley. Somehow I need to make it back to get my stuff from Phoenix/Mesa, to get back up here! I’m literally screwed at the moment but I’m doing OK deputy Hawkins took me out of Ash Fork but has calls so another deputy will be taking me that rest of the way. The deputy is really nice. None of them will stop so I can get cigarettes. So I need to figure that out too! I feel so bad to go to this house today! Really bad! I’d be dropped off by a sheriff vehicle, Christ! But God dammit I can do this and get my shit taken care of! I know I can! I am strong! It all turned out good! I am here and I am safe happy and Lauren seem really great and so are their kids. They gave me some clothes to sleep in – thank God! My roommate seems pretty cool! I like her she’s nice. The house is really nice too! Michael probably be pissed off I am near, but I am not nor did I care right now! He is playing unfair right now – and I need to focus on me! I was way too scared in Phoenix and I didn’t like it I didn’t feel safe. I like it here at this house but I don’t feel safe here either. I need to get to somewhere where I feel safe.
Unreal to get to airport terminal four, so I can get to Preskett. I need to go to the courthouse for parenting class sign up. Then go to the police department to get truck and boxes. Hopefully I will get to talk to Mike? Probably very doubtful. I can wish though! I wonder if he will watch me through the Arlo? I miss them so very badly. I wonder if he misses me. Michael is going to pick me up at Groome transport Main office. Mike would be pissed Dash Nana Dash Mike doesn’t care. Oxford house is 160 per week and 640 a month – that’s better than where I’m at. I hope the interview goes well though!￼
Today is an utter fiasco! Michael met me at the courthouse and I got my parenting class date set and ready. Then we went out to eat at Fresca Café. I drove by the house and the truck wasn’t there again! Mike has hidden in the truck for me so I would take it. By law since it’s part mine, dual ownership on the title I should be able to just take the truck. Since he has hidden the truck I have no access to it!
Seriously I no longer understand! So Michael and I could not do the civil standby because I have no means to get my things so “best “number one. But wait it gets better I texted Tracie to see if I remember if is the code code word here. If she could leave Ash Fork and meet me at a shopping center in Prescott to take me down to Mesa swipe and get all my things. Oxford house so that they would take me and I just need my things. She agreed but here’s where things get a little Squirrley… And I should’ve known just saying because when she got me we had to go to Walmart she needed a new headlamps for the car because one was out …. Yes that should’ve been my first clue. But then there was the fact that she traded license plates because the tags were bad or should I say out of date for the car she was driving. Clue number two. She decided that we should get a cheap motel in Ashfork stay the night wake up really early and go then directly to Mesa in the morning. The hotel she thought it wasn’t so cheap. So the next plan was just to drive to Mesa in the middle of the night grab my shit and she would stay at her grandmas and I would stay at a cheap motel in Mesa. And then drive back that is Not what happened!
Well shit fire. The radiator completely blew out. The car severely overheated. And we were only in Preskett Valley. So Phoenix was now completely out of the question. I had to call and use AAA and that took forever as no one wanted to bring us here to/back to Ash Fork finally we got a tow truck driver under the pretend we just needed to go to Chino Valley. How ever the tow truck driver agree to take us to Ash Fork upon ask him when arrived he agree, Hesitantly, I might add but he did take a Ash fork we made it to the gas station filled the radiator with water. And drove to the motel to get me a room for the night. That’s where I go from bad to worse. Not only am I now stuck in Ashfork. I left my phone in Tracie‘s car. So I am yet again crying – not knowing what to do. Do you see a pattern here I’m starting to see a pattern. I always keep a couple anxiety pills and a sleeping pill in my wallet for just in case so thankfully I can take a trazodone and call it a night so we’ll see about tomorrow!