Day 39 May 26, 2022

“If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably do much of anything.” Win Borden

I slept seven hours it’s 4:18 AM and I went to sleep at 9 PM. Even though Avni changed apartments and is my roommate, I just want the trazodone to take affect so I can go to bed. Sleep. I slept on my scenario and no Epiphany came to me. I don’t want to drive any more stakes into an already destroyed relationship. I do not react nor react in that capacity sober, I don’t anyways. I don’t play dirty nor do I want to smell like shit when this is said and done. I have respect for myself (funny we talked about that yesterday), for my sonI slept seven hours it’s 4:18 AM and I went to sleep at 9 PM. Even though Avni changed apartments and is my roommate I just want the trazodone to take affect so I can go to bed. Sleep. I slept on my scenario and no Epiphany came to me. I don’t want to drive any more steaks into an already destroyed relationship. I do not react nor act in that capacity sober I don’t anyways. I don’t play dirty nor do I want to smell like shit when this is said and done. I have respect funny we talked about that yesterday, for my son and for Mike. I also have respect for myself. The situation is bad but I do have respect for that. Therefore, I must choose my words and my next moves carefully. In the past few days I realized I am no longer will be Mike Coon‘s beautiful wife he adores and loves. The pain is unmanageable and it does not lessen with every day. It’s a constant hurt shame and sadness, I discussed without myself. I must live with. I’ve asked God so many times why I am still here and why he couldand for Mike. I also have respect for myself. The situation is bad but I do have respect for that. Therefore I must choose my words and my next moves carefully. In the past few days I realized I am no longer will be Mike Coon‘s beautiful wife he adores and loves. The pain is unmanageable and it does not lessen with every day. It’s a constant hurt shame and sadness, I discussed without myself. I must live with. I’ve asked God so many times why I am still here and why he couldn’t let me fall so far that I will not be here, could’ve been accomplished, but that has not happened. Yet, nor do I believe it well. He has given me a willpower I do not understand. I do not understand what I am fighting for or why am fighting at all.

Six days until I leave, nothing happier and nowhere to go at the moment, 45 minutes until I get my phone and start to work on things at 5:30 AM to 6:30 AM. I pray I make some headway.

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Wanting to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand

How am I feeling physically?

Headache it could be dehydration Are constant thinking

How am I feeling spiritually?

I guess I’m OK

What are my goals for the day?

Again I have too many goals

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

My husband, at the moment, for keeping me on my toes – and for not making this easy.

530 to 6 AM phone/computer:

I changed/forwarded my mail to the center here so Mike no longer receives it. I left a message with Camel Back Recovery Sober Living. No attorney reply either. Some weird things happening with my phone/apps. It appears someone is attempting to access my apps. I hope it is not fraudulent. We will see! I need to stop playing with the magic eight ball app – it’s always giving me hope! How sad I rely on an eight ball! Like a child! I just prayed and meditated a bit about my life, my loves, my hopes, my wishes. May I feel more spiritually connected soon.I changed/forwarded my mail to the center here so Mike no longer receives it. I left a message with Camel Back Recovery Sober Living. No attorney repay that. Some weird things happening with my phone/apps. It appears someone is attempting to access my apps. I hope it is not fraudulent. We will see! I need to stop playing with the magic eight ball app – it’s always giving me hope! How sad I rely on an eight ball! Like a child! I just prayed and meditated a bit about my life, my loves, my hopes, my wishes. May I feel more spiritually connected soon.

Just for Today – May 26

“Our understanding of a Higher Power is up to us…. We can call it the group, the program, or we can call it God.”

Basic Text, p. 24

Many of us have a hard time with the idea of a Higher Power until we fully accept the depth of our own powerlessness over addiction. Once we do, most of us are at least willing to consider seeking the help of some Power greater than our disease. The first practical exposure many of us have to that kind of Power is in the NA group. Perhaps that’s where we should start in developing our own understanding of God.

One evidence of the Power in the group is the unconditional love shown when NA members help one another without expectation of reward. The group’s collective experience in recovery is itself a Power greater than our own, for the group has practical knowledge of what works and what doesn’t. And the fact that addicts keep coming to NA meetings, day after day, is a demonstration of the presence of a Higher Power, some attractive, caring force at work that helps addicts stay clean and grow.

All these things are evidence of a Power that can be found in NA groups. When we look around with an open mind, each of us will be able to identify other signs of that Power. It doesn’t matter if we call it God, a Higher Power, or anything else — just as long as we find a way to incorporate that Power into our daily lives.

Just for today: I will open my eyes and my mind to signs of a Power that exists in my NA group. I will call upon that Power to help me stay clean.

“Our understanding of a higher power is up to us… We can call it in the group, the program, or we can call it God.!“

“Don’t worry about tomorrow, your higher power has already been there.“

As we sit in daily focus, my mind has started to wander and no longer is paying attention… All I can think of is Mike’s face and his goatee. I just got the overwhelming feeling I will forget his face. I will forget Connor’s face. Connor will be taller, with a deeper voice and I will have missed it all that is what happens I guess, I’m OK for a minute and then I slipped back into a hole – I can’t get out of. I wish I could just take sleeping pills all day.

9 AM to 10 AM Co-Dependency with Krista

“Have a love affair with yourself.” “This above all: to dine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night of day, though cannot then befalls to any man.” – William Shakespeare

“We may have entered into adult relationships with fragile self – worth, then discovered our remaining self – esteem disintegrated. A few of us may have had our self-worth completely intact until we meet him or her or until that problem came along; we suddenly or gradually found ourselves hating on ourselves.“

Activity:

One how do you feel about yourself? Write about it include the things you like or don’t like about yourself. Reread what you have written.

I feel terrible about myself, about what happened on my part. I feel shame for hurting my family. I feel guilt for what happened. I am overwhelmed by my total self-worth that has been lowered to that of a homeless loser. I feel as if I deserve to be denied love, support, and to be cared about. I feel like I have lived my life up to my husband’s expectations. And I failed him. I failed my son. I like the way I look, I love myself while I’m here – I still know I am pretty. I still like my body.

1015 to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

The Lifeboat Exercise:

We did this exercise in class. I can’t tell you how many arguments happened. It was basically a guys versus the girls. Some people got really heated in the conversation even though it was make believe they said when is this is real. Anyway here it is…

Texting with Mike colon

So he replied to my text. Saying the restraining order was for me and not for my therapist. He further stated that I had to release the restriction or should I say “sign”… So he can see about further treatment with my therapist or I will have to call my mom and dad for money.

He knows damn well that will never happen. I’ve gone years at a time not speaking to them and it’s never broken my heart.

I had already spoken to Camel Back Recovery Sober Living as well as Meadows IOP. Camelback cost $4000 a month so I don’t think Mike will like that at all.

On a different note there’s this really cool site called Delaney auction house. I’m going to need to get a storage unit. I know Mike won’t pay for any furniture so I’m going to have to order that. Mike hates me so I know that he says he’ll take care of me but he won’t.

3 PM therapy with Kendra

Day 42 May 29, 2022

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Good and anxious because I don’t know anything and I leave on Wednesday

How am I feeling physically?

I had a great work out with Avni

How am I feeling spiritually?

Connected

What are my goals for the day?

Trying to figure out what anyone knows and why wasn’t I told on Friday

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Welcome to the family Lauren

Just for Today – May 29

“We believe that our Higher Power will take care of us” Basic Text, p. 55

We all have times when it seems as though our lives are falling apart. There are days, or even weeks, when it seems that everything that can go wrong is going wrong. Whether it’s the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or the end of a relationship, we doubt that we’ll survive the changes taking place in our lives.

It’s during the times when the world is crashing down around our ears that we find our greatest faith in a loving Higher Power. No human being could relieve our suffering; we know that only God’s care can provide the comfort we seek. We feel broken but we go on, knowing that our lives will be repaired.

As we progress in our recovery and our faith in our Higher Power grows, we are sure to greet the difficult times with a sense of hope, despite the pain we may be in. We need not despair, for we know that our Higher Power’s care will carry us through when we can’t walk on our own.

Just for today: I will rely on God’s care through the painful times, knowing that my Higher Power will always be there.

Another miserable debate among everyone over God, higher power or whatever!!

SOUPER Sunday…

Worrying about things that could happen…

We did this really cool exercise or meditation rather. I tried to do the leaves but I was left in the rapids and grasping onto rocks is Connor and Mike yelled for me to come back. I almost fell into a waterfall. I then changed positions on the mat and was crawling up rocks towards them with the leaf going down the waterfall and Mike and Connor further away I stopped meditating because that shit wasn’t letting go dash of the leaf yes so I suppose it did that for us but I still felt icky. The Led Zeppelin song that was playing ended – thank goodness. I’ll try it again at meditation AA meeting on Tuesday – I pray for a better result.I tried to do the leaves but I was left in the rapids and grasping onto rocks is Connor and Mike yelled for me to come back. I almost fell into a waterfall. I then changed positions on the mat and was crawling up rocks towards them with the leaf going down the waterfall and Mike and Connor further away I stopped meditating because that shit wasn’t letting go dash of the leaf yes so I suppose it did that for us but I still felt icky. The Led Zeppelin song that was playing ended – thank goodness. I’ll try it again at meditation AA meeting on Tuesday – I pray for a better result.

Avni and I walk back to residential she baked a pizza which was yummy. I colored a page for Avni which is still not done and I’m leaving soon. Then med pass. Then back to walking to the Center for creative expressions, hopefully my last time. We didn’t do anything but laugh our asses off Aiden Avni Lauren and I. I just put the casserole in the oven I made yesterday I’m starting on pasta salad for the barbecue and potluck for memorial day tomorrow.

Day 43 May 30,2022

I slept 5 1/2 hours. It’s 3:40 AM I’m exhausted and tired, sad, anxious, nervous, and depressed! I feel I feel like I just got here to Desicion Point all over again, with all the unknowing, as when I just arrived. I am not nervous to leave here. It is easy to not want to drink at all. Because of what happened and the embarrassment of it all! I am, as it happens excited to go to Scottsdale. I feel like a fresh start is good. I don’t think I will ever come back (live I mean) in Prescott. That’s just too much; too many people involved and I don’t want to be a part of that nightmare.

I get my phone in an hour. Hopefully no nasty messages from Mike. It’s not like I have anyone to call. I don’t want anyone to know. Mike has burnt bridges on behalf of me. Maybe that was wrong to say. He has told people, many people, and I don’t want to ever talk about it. Besides I know deep down it is over, I will never see my son and never be a wife to make again – my son I will fight for. I don’t know that I want to fight for Mike. I know he’s hurt, but his capabilities and actions in this not the man I married, nor am I nor will I ever be the woman he married.

I’ve changed. I’m a completely different person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not isolating and binge drinking anymore and too scared of my shell of a person. I’m stronger I don’t know that Mike will like me anymore.i’ve changed. I’m a completely different person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not isolating and binge drinking anymore and too scared of my shell of a person. I’d like to think that he would like me but I need to change my whole look I want to become the person I was meant to be I have a happiness and I am fulfilled, I feel like I have a purpose I think people want to read what I have to say. Mike probably won’t like that either.

Memorial Day is upon us and today it will be a lot more lax, and chill as for programming. Bonus, we get a barbecue! I’m looking forward to that! I need to finish the pasta salad this morning and give it to John so he can add his magic (the pepperonis and extras) as we split the cost/or groceries to be honestly specific.

It’s 4:50 AM and I need to get ready. I’m going to wear the shirt that Mike bought me one of the shirts I actually like that he brought to me while I was here. I wish you would’ve brought more clothes. As I’m beginning to get ready to order some. A new style for a new me.

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Anxious/sort of good

How am I feeling physically?

Anxious – my body feels it!

How am I feeling spiritually?

Trying and praying for some type of an answer

What are my goals for the day?pppppp

I don’t know I can’t move forward

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Welcome Chase

Just for Today – May 30

“Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone.”

Basic Text, p. 81

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is a state of the heart, an emptiness that makes us feel sad and sometimes hopeless. Loneliness is not always alleviated when we enter into relationships or surround ourselves with others. Some of us are lonely even in a room full of people.

Many of us came to Narcotics Anonymous out of the desperate loneliness of our addiction. After coming to meetings, we begin to make new friends, and often our feelings of loneliness ease. But many of us must contend with loneliness throughout our recovery.

What is the cure for loneliness? The best cure is to begin a relationship with a Higher Power that can help fill the emptiness of our heart. We find that when we have a belief in a Higher Power, we never have to feel lonely. We can be alone more comfortably when we have a conscious contact with a God of our understanding.

We often find deep fulfillment in our interactions with others as we progress in our recovery. Yet we also find that, the closer we draw to our Higher Power, the less we need to surround ourselves with others. We begin to find a spirit within us that is our constant companion as we continue to explore and deepen our connection with a Power greater than ourselves. We realize we are spiritually connected with something bigger than we are.

Just for today: I will take comfort in my conscious contact with a Higher Power. I am never alone.

9 AM to 11:30 AM Primary Group with Gregson

Because it’s Monday he’s calling it Monday Group Soup! Too funny I love all the soup recipes though it makes all of us kind of happy. I think I am the only person who actually makes all the soup recipes. Well except for the cheeseburger one I already know that one taste like shit. My Connor and I tried it once I had a friend who said it was the bomb and it was definitely a bomb but not in a good sense. It was a definite thumbs down from my family.

Traits I am/I know I am:

loyal, attractive, creative, strong ,resilient, decisive, and tolerant

Traits I wish I was more like and I need to work on:

Friendly, patient, relaxed

Learning about early recovery and cravings – following through with it – sponsors – we need them not to fall into our cravings! We don’t want to do drugs or drink – we are too dependent on her addiction.

What is my spirit animal I didn’t choose and I did a pass in class, but I really think it’s either a butterfly, a ladybug, or a hummingbird. I will Google today and find one – one tell the world as tomorrow I must announce and explain!

Butterfly Spirit Animal:

The butterfly spirit animal symbolizes the psyche, just like the ladybug spirit animal, and how you should be in tune with your emotions and spirit. Spiritually speaking, the butterfly spirit animal signifies resurrection and the need for meditation if you wish to take the road to enlightenment.

But perhaps the most well-known butterfly symbolism is that of rebirth, metamorphosis, and transformation.

This is because the butterfly goes through different stages before it comes out to the world better, stronger, and more beautiful.

This means that your life will also be moving through different stages.

You will also undergo different struggles and take giant leaps so that you can grow, change, and become someone you have never even imagined.

Just like the eagle, the butterfly totem encourages you to have a change in perspective, personality, and personal habits for the sake of your well-being.

If you will never change, you will never see your full potential!

The meaning of the butterfly also indicates playfulness and lightness of being and spirit. Life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time!

Your butterfly spirit animal is reminding you to pause and take a breather, because life is short! Sometimes a different perspective is all you need to ease the heaviness or the tensions that you are experiencing.

The butterfly has bold, bright, and beautiful colors, which symbolize the need to bring joy and happiness into your life. Lighten up and bring more color in and show the world your colorful personality!

Here is why the Butterfly Spirit animal is Lucky for some…

When the butterfly spirit animal appears to you, it means that you are ready to let go of someone or something that has been keeping you shackled.

This has been holding you back, and it will be gone from your life soon!

The butterfly meaning wants to tell you that you are now ready to delve deeper in your journey.

You are now heading to a new level of awareness, and your choices are becoming the catalysts for that transformation that you are looking for in your life.

The butterfly symbolism tells you of your hidden potential. It signals the time for you to spread your wings and fly!

Read more at: https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/butterfly-spirit-animal/

The Ladybug Spirit Animal:

Symbol of good luck, the ladybug is said to give blessings to those she encounters. Master in the art of metamorphosis, she transforms from a hideous larva to a beautiful insect adorned with bright colors. This totem animal is a powerful ally to make important changes in your life and go through your life’s journey with ease. Let’s discover its encouraging message: Believe in yourself and dare!

What Do Ladybugs Symbolize?

Whether you meet the ladybug in reality or in a dream, it is generally considered a symbol of good luck and happiness.

  • The main meanings of the ladybug are:
  • Good fortune
  • Innocence
  • True love
  • Importance of lightness
  • Changes, even metamorphosis
  • Divine intervention
  • Going beyond illusion
  • A happy resolution to a hassle
  • The miraculous at play in the everyday life
  • The importance of staying alert to avoid pitfalls
  • The need to know yourself well to make the right life choices

Ladybug symbolism is centered around positivity and happiness. Seeing a ladybug is therefore usually considered as a good omen.

The Ladybug, A Symbol Of Luck And Positivity

When the ladybug shows up in your life, it surely signifies that positive change is on the way. This humble-looking spirit animal is a most-trusted ally when it comes to brightening the day and disrupting a gloomy mood our outlook.

This spirit animal brings a breath of fresh air if you’re getting caught in the daily grind or feel things are getting confusing or simply just too dark. Call her as a lucky charm to deal with a tricky situation or relationship, or to get out of your own head if need be!

The ladybug spirit animal has always been a symbol of good luck. If you have a wish that you would like to come true, the ladybug symbolism is an indication that your wish will be granted very soon!

When you chance upon a ladybug, make a wish and watch it fly away and make your wish come true.

Read more at: https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/ladybug-spirit-animal/

The Hummingbird Spirit Animal:

In case you didn’t know anything about the hummingbird spirit animal, it represents lightness of being. Just like the fly symbolism, the enjoyment of life is also a hummingbird symbolism.

People who have the hummingbird as a spirit animal are being called to enjoy life more and release the negativity wherever it is present.

All these from a fascinating bird that can perform amazing feats which can truly surprise you!

Common Hummingbird Spirit Animal Meanings

The hummingbird meaning is of love and happiness. It represents the miracle of life, and all the wonderful things that make up life.

Just like the hummingbird that flies far and wide, it’s about being able to endure long and arduous journeys with joy and playfulness.

It’s about learning to be independent and being present in the moment.

The hummingbird totem encourages you to enjoy life and keep yourself light and free. Enjoy life because it is fleeting.

Release all the negativities to let the love and light in. Open your life to the good energies so that you can receive more love and joy.

When you have an affinity with the hummingbird, you are also able to move swiftly and think quickly. You glide from one place to the next.

The hummingbird meaning also brings to light the time to show your loved ones how much you truly appreciate and love them.

Do not be so preoccupied with accolades and material wealth, because none of these things matter if you have no one to share them with.

The hummingbird symbolism prompts you to be ready for life’s surprises, and to adapt to any situation, no matter how demanding or challenging.

Learn to fight without harming anyone, and do it simply with the courage and wisdom that you possess.

If Your Spirit Animal is the Hummingbird, read this carefully…

Unlike the elephant, the hummingbird symbolism speaks about love. It’s a powerful totem of love and romance.

If you chance upon a hummingbird, focus on the love that you have, and the love that’s soon to come. If you don’t give it the care and attention that it deserves, it will fly away from you!

The hummingbird meaning also signifies enchantment, and how you should allow yourself to take great delight in the big and small things.

Never lose your sense of wonder, because this will help you on your journey towards love, happiness, and spiritual enlightenment.

Do this if you see the Hummingbird Totem in Your Dreams…

When you see the hummingbird spirit animal, you are being prepared for the journey ahead of you.

Start paying attention to the small details, because you never know when something seemingly insignificant can be helpful.

The hummingbird symbolism also urges you to conserve your energy when you are embarking on a journey. Don’t go full speed so soon because you will quickly lose your momentum.

It’s time to face new challenges and fight for your beliefs.

The hummingbird totem symbolizes the need for endurance and perseverance, and experiencing more joy, love, and happiness by finding it in the simplest things.

Positive Traits of the Hummingbird Spirit Animal

The hummingbird spirit animal appears out of nowhere bearing gifts of joy and happiness, bringing with an air of magic in your life. It’s a symbol of good things!

When your spirit animal is the hummingbird, you share its traits of being small but strong. You are also courageous, determined, flexible, and adaptable.

You strive to create peace when there’s no peace to be found, and you are careful to protect and remain within your boundaries.

You possess great courage and resilience, and you are tireless in your pursuit of a good and happy life.

You are loyal and affectionate, sincere and energetic, and playful and happy. Just like your hummingbird totem, you can accomplish the impossible while having a great time doing it!

Negative Traits of the Hummingbird Spirit Animal

The hummingbird spirit animal can fly backwards. Symbolically, it shows you can look back at your past and revisit it from time to time, but without living in it or dwelling in it too much.

The meaning of the hummingbird also speaks of emotional instability, because you shift rapidly from one emotion to the next with no warning.

It seems like a tireless bird with plenty of energy, but it does get tired and burnt out, too.

The hummingbird spirit animal burns a lot of energy when in flight, so it forages for food constantly. Remember to rest often and allow your body to recharge.

Feed yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. The hummingbird symbolism is a reminder on how you should expend your energy without harming yourself.

There will be plenty of flighty thoughts and frivolous ideas when it comes to the hummingbird. Be mindful of these things for they may take away your focus on the things that truly matter.

Call on your Hummingbird Spirit Animal when:
  • You need your moods to be lifted.
  • The hummingbird can instill joy and happiness in your life. The presence of the hummingbird totem is like a ray of sunshine on a rainy day.
  • You need to have a more optimistic outlook in life.
  • Find your way out of the dark by taking to heart what your hummingbird totem wants to tell you. When the negativity seems too much, release it all and let the positive energies in.
  • You need more joy and enthusiasm in your life.

Increase the happiness in your life and find ways to let joy in. There are so many ways, if you will just open your eyes and see!

5 Unusual Facts About Hummingbird Symbolism

Hummingbird symbolism can certainly be far more productive and positive than you would perhaps give it credit for, but it all depends on the way in which you can apply the different aspects that apply to you.

Of course, you do need to know what it focuses on in the first place which is why it can be important to look at several key facts surrounding this particular spirit animal.

1. It represents being happy with life.

The first thing to mention is that the hummingbird spirit animal represents the idea of you being more than happy with life at this moment in time.

There are many areas where this can apply, but the main thing is that you have a sense of contentment surrounding you that may not have always been there.

2. It linked to love and the wonders of life.

There is a lightness surrounding hummingbird symbolism and it is linked to you feeling light when you are in love, so if the spirit animal appears then it could signify that you will be entering into that phase in your life soon.

It will also look at you being left amazed by the wonders of life and marvel at nature that surrounds you.

3. It symbolises being in the present moment.

Hummingbird symbolism is also directly linked to the idea of you being present in the moment. You should not sit there and worry about the past or stress about the future.

Instead, you need to enjoy what is happening as of this very minute to then make sure that you get the absolute maximum enjoyment out of it wherever you can.

4. You are resilient and free.

The hummingbird spirit animal is also going to let you see that you are free as both a human as well as a spirit, and you need to try to make the most of that in your life.

Also, you are resilient and capable of putting up with so much if you are only willing to tackle whatever life throws at you and do it with a smile on your face.

5. Show your loved ones that you care.

Finally, hummingbird symbolism is also closely related to the idea of letting your loved ones know that you do indeed care about them.

Don’t wait until something bad has happened, but rather you have to stress this as soon as possible.

This is to hopefully provide them with the same light feeling that you have experienced when you are in love as it is certainly something that is worth sharing.

Overall, hummingbird symbolism is all about not being surrounded by negative energy and looking to build on what you have and being quite content with everything in your surroundings.

This may not be easy at first, but the hummingbird spirit animal is there to guide you and to force you into looking at things at this exact moment in time.

If you can turn your attention to it in that way, then your future will indeed look significantly brighter.

My final thoughts on the Hummingbird Spirit Animal and its Symbolism

The hummingbird meaning is about movement, and how with skillful maneuvering and a little bit of magic, you can achieve even the impossible.

Be tenacious in pursuing your dreams, and never back down!

Go on big and exciting adventures, love like you’ve never loved before, and be completely immersed in new experiences. Whatever it is you decide to do, always look up and move forward!

Read more at: https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/hummingbird-spirit-animal/

I think I’d like to be a little of each actually. I choose all three as my spirit animal. Its my story damn it and Ill decide my spirit animal. I think I need someone to draw me a morph of all three and hav it painted to put on my wall and display for the world to see!

11 AM to 12:30 PM Team Building with Troy

Troy comes up with the absolute coolest stuff to do. I swear. So today it’s a game and we’re playing it all against each other in groups.

The story is we are all in a plane crash in Northern California it’s 20° wearing clothes we would be in if we were in Phoenix. We are near a river. we must choose five items out of 11 items. And you have to choose these items based on how you think you will survive.

We chose

  • A pistol which is worth four points
  • A tarp which is worth eight
  • Steel wool which is worth 11 points
  • A lighter which is worth 12 points
  • And a set of clothes is worth 10 points
  • We got a total of 45 points we were second place

So here is the real exercise:

Team Building Exercise – Airplane Crash Survival
EXPLANATION
Mid-January is the coldest time of year in Northern Canada. The first problem the
survivors face is the preservation of body heat and the protection against its loss. This
problem can be solved by building a fire, minimizing movement and exertion, using as
much insulation as possible, and constructing a shelter.
The participants have just crash-landed. Many individuals tend to overlook the enormous
shock reaction this has on the human body and the deaths of the pilot and co-pilot
increases the shock. Decision-making under such circumstances is extremely difficult.
Such a situation requires a strong emphasis on the use of reasoning for making decisions
and for reducing fear and panic. Shock would be shown in the survivors by feelings of
helplessness, loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. These feelings have brought about more
fatalities than perhaps any other cause in survival situations. Certainly the state of shock
means the movement of the survivors should be at a minimum, and that an attempt to
calm them should be made.
Before taking off, a pilot has to file a flight plan which contains vital information such as
the course, speed, estimated time of arrival, type of aircraft, and number of passengers.
Search-and-rescue operations begin shortly after the failure of a plane to appear at its
destination at the estimated time of arrival.
The 20 miles to the nearest town is a long walk under even ideal conditions, particularly
if one is not used to walking such distances. In this situation, the walk is even more
difficult due to shock, snow, dress, and water barriers. It would mean almost certain
death from freezing and exhaustion. At temperatures of minus 25 to minus 40, the loss of
body heat through exertion is a very serious matter.
Once the survivors have found ways to keep warm, their next task is to attract the
attention of search planes. Thus, all the items the group has salvaged must be assessed for
their value in signaling the group’s whereabouts.
The ranking of the survivors items was made by Mark Wanvig, a former instructor in
survival training for the Reconnaissance School of the 101st Division of the U.S. Army.
Mr. Wanvig currently conducts wilderness survival training programs in the Minneapolis,
Minnesota area. This survival simulation game is used in military training classrooms.
Answer: RANKINGS

  1. Cigarette lighter (without fluid).
    The gravest danger facing the group is exposure to cold. The greatest need is for a source
    of warmth and the second greatest need is for signaling devices. This makes building a
    fire the first order of business. Without matches, something is needed to produce sparks,
    and even without fluid, a cigarette lighter can do that.
  2. Ball of steel wool.
    To make a fire, the survivors need a means of catching he sparks made by the cigarette
    lighter. This is the best substance for catching a spark and supporting a flame, even if the
    steel wool is a little wet.
  3. Extra shirt and pants for each survivor
    Besides adding warmth to the body, clothes can also be used for shelter, signaling,
    bedding, bandages, string (when unraveled), and fuel for the fire.
  4. Can of Crisco shortening.
    This has many uses. A mirror-like signaling device can be made from the lid. After
    shining the lid with steel wool, it will reflect sunlight and generate 5 to 7 million
    candlepower. This is bright enough to be seen beyond the horizon. While this could be
    limited somewhat by the trees, a member of the group could climb a tree and use the
    mirrored lid to signal search planes. If they had no other means of signaling than this,
    they would have a better than 80% chance of being rescued within the first day.
    There are other uses for this item. It can be rubbed on exposed skin for protection against
    the cold. When melted into oil, the shortening is helpful as fuel. When soaked into a
    piece of cloth, melted shortening will act like a candle. The empty can is useful in
    melting snow for drinking water. It is much safer to drink warmed water than to eat
    snow, since warm water will help retain body heat. Water is important because
    dehydration will affect decision-making. The can is also useful as a cup.
  5. 20 x 20 foot piece of canvas
    The cold makes shelter necessary, and canvas would protect against wind and snow
    (canvas is used in making tents). Spread on a frame made of trees, it could be used as a
    tent or a wind screen. It might also be used as a ground cover to keep the survivors dry.
    Its shape, when contrasted with the surrounding terrain, makes it a signaling device.
  6. Small ax
    Survivors need a constant supply of wood in order to maintain the fire. The ax could be
    used for this as well as for clearing a sheltered campsite, cutting tree branches for ground
    insulation, and constructing a frame for the canvas tent.
  7. Family size chocolate bars (one per person)
    Chocolate will provide some food energy. Since it contains mostly carbohydrates, it
    supplies the energy without making digestive demands on the body.
  8. Newspapers (one per person)
    These are useful in starting a fire. They can also be used as insulation under clothing
    when rolled up and placed around a person’s arms and legs. A newspaper can also be
    used as a verbal signaling device when rolled up in a megaphone-shape. It could also
    provide reading material for recreation.
  9. Loaded .45-caliber pistol.
    The pistol provides a sound-signaling device. (The international distress signal is 3 shots
    fired in rapid succession). There have been numerous cases of survivors going undetected
    because they were too weak to make a loud enough noise to attract attention. The butt of
    the pistol could be used as a hammer, and the powder from the shells will assist in fire
    building. By placing a small bit of cloth in a cartridge emptied of its bullet, one can start
    a fire by firing the gun at dry wood on the ground. The pistol also has some serious
    disadvantages. Anger, frustration, impatience, irritability, and lapses of rationality may
    increase as the group awaits rescue. The availability of a lethal weapon is a danger to the
    group under these conditions. Although a pistol could be used in hunting, it would take
    an expert marksman to kill an animal with it. Then the animal would have to be
    transported to the crash site, which could prove difficult to impossible depending on its
    size.
  10. Quart of 100 proof whiskey.
    The only uses of whiskey are as an aid in fire building and as a fuel for a torch (made by
    soaking a piece of clothing in the whiskey and attaching it to a tree branch). The empty
    bottle could be used for storing water. The danger of whiskey is that someone might
    drink it, thinking it would bring warmth. Alcohol takes on the temperature it is exposed
    to, and a drink of minus 30 degrees Fahrenheit whiskey would freeze a person’s
    esophagus and stomach. Alcohol also dilates the blood vessels in the skin, resulting
    in chilled blood belong carried back to the heart, resulting in a rapid loss of body heat.
    Thus, a drunken person is more likely to get hypothermia than a sober person is.
  11. Compass.
    Because a compass might encourage someone to try to walk to the nearest town, it is a
    dangerous item. Its only redeeming feature is that it could be used as a reflector of
    sunlight (due to its glass top).
  12. Sectional air map made of plastic.
    This is also among the least desirable of the items because it will encourage individuals
    to try to walk to the nearest town. It’s only useful feature is as a ground cover to keep
    someone dry.
    How to score:
    Each team should list its top 5 choices in order prior to seeing the answer sheet. To
    award points, look at the ranking numbers on this answer sheet. Award points to each
    team’s top choices according to the numbers here. For example, the map would earn 12
    points, while the steel wool would earn 2 points. Lowest score wins (and survives).

12 Noon to 4:30 PM Memorial Day Barbecue

So much fun! It was nice to have some fun! But the guys and the girls got to hang out together with the boys! So much great food laughs and a lot of fun!

Day 44 May 31,2022

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional” – Kathleen Casey Thiesen

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

I’m Sad to leave

How am I feeling physically?

Well I suppose OK I didn’t sleep too good

How am I feeling spiritually?

I’m connected so I have to leave everything up to God

What are my goals for the day?

Getting loose ends tied that’s really my goal

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Avni, Lorenzo, Aidan, and Greg you guys will be missed

Just for Today

May 31 Basic Text, p. 99

Keep it simple

“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment.  When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably.”

Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us who’ve dodged it for so long.  When we stopped using drugs, many of us came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying.  Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming.  We think that maybe we can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try.  These thoughts feed themselves, and pretty soon we’re paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life.

Happily, we don’t have to fix everything at once.  Solving a single problem seems possible, so we take them one at a time.  We take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes.  We learn to stay clean just for today, and we approach our problems the same way.  When we live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect.  One breath at a time, we can stay clean and learn to live.

Just for today:  I will keep it simple by living in this moment only.  Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.

I gave everything to God last night in my prayers and hoping it will be OK. Yet, at the same time “it is what it is“ and “it is gods well“ “God has a plan and just go with it“ doesn’t mean I’m not nervous about it. Yeah, it will all turn out the way it’s supposed to be! I actually slept and woke up at 5:05 AM with an alarm. I felt amazing to sleep so long! Maybe because I’ve given everything to God! Maybe I just relax because I’m getting ready for my next adventure!

9 to 10 AM healthy relationships with Kendra

“Addressing common barriers to working relationships and addiction recovery“

We did worksheets in class about repairing relationships. I’m anxious as I still need to speak with Kendra. Almost to the point of not breathing correctly! Sadness is overwhelming so we’re bad thoughts that I am stuck my heart is up in the air about decisions!

10:15 AM to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

Just was told I have no place to go but Mike was given all the places so I will find out but I will I’m definitely leaving! Dear God, I live in your hands. What will be! I have faith in you. I trust your decision. The first the love of my husband to do what is best for me. I know he loves me, he may not be in love with me but he wants what is best for me. So do you God. I love my family. I love you God. Make all the stress vanished so I can Concentrate on this fun day with my certificate and card! Smile for me as what I need right now! Thank you God!

45 day certificate

Lorenzo said “keep your vibrant self. Find the calm and tranquility of your true self“

Jessica said “sober sisters – we will be women who lunch we will be friends forever“

John C said “I want only the best for you, take it one day at a time.“

Treyson said I love you. You have truly been here for me! You will be missed I wish you all the luck in life. Thank you! We really had some personal moments and therapy“

Dida said “I don’t know you I wish you luck” what can I say she’s only been here a couple days

Stephen said “we will be great friends even . though I’ve only known you for a brief time. Practice mindfulness be mindful don’t dwell on the past stay in the moment.”

Cindy said I love you you will be missed hanging out with you has been wonderful”

Kendra said “you have grown so much! Be true to yourself, I care for you. If you do that you can care for those you love even better.”

And just like that I got my coin and my certificate in my primary therapy group I’m gonna miss them all so very much. I know in the beginning it was tough with all the arguing and animosity. But that’s part of growth we all grew together and we all learn from our mistakes and we all talked it out. I’m gonna miss these group sessions especially Kendra.

My gabapentin and hydroxyzine is working overtime today! I think that it’s best for right now. I’m out and in, in my body, thoughts, etc. I feel loopy but it’s great no stress! No stressing as to where I’m going.

To Do’s

  • End leave at Lowes
  • Go to lowe’s/lowes.com – transfer
  • Get stuff out of my locker at Lowe’s
  • Change my mailing address
  • Order from Instacart pens a journal and a planner so I can continue writing and keep track of my day since I don’t know where I’m going but I’m sure I’m going to have to have plans and jot them all down
  • Get shoelaces out of the shoes and bleach
  • Make my brownies before I leave
  • Get car insurance quotes so I can have the car when I’m in Scottsdale
  • Call the auction house
  • Call Avana in Tempe
  • Sign up for classes at Scottsdale community College
  • Transfer money to Chase card so there is money for incidentals, Since Mike isn’t speaking to me
  • Pay on the Lowe’s credit card
  • Pay on the PayPal credit card

1 PM Meeting with My Case Manager Jess

Spoke about (finally) where I’m going. I am going to Camelback recovery and IOP. He will not however right now because give me the car because he apparently believes I will drink but I won’t – since they check/UA and breathalyzer. Seriously, and I don’t want to drink. I wish I could just tell him that. Like he doesn’t know what happened destroyed me on the inside I never want to drink again. Well just so over him dictating and controlling my every move she thinks he’s bipolar. By the way he acts and he talks. She thinks he abuses me. He’s too controlling she said she goes maybe that’s where your low self-esteem comes from. I had her listen to the voicemails that I have on my phone that he’s left me and how sweet and wonderful he was. Anyways I’m going to rent a car to get down there and pick up auction things and get to storage unit. I think he’s just being a little ridiculous, in fact he hasn’t stop being ridiculous. He’s really making me pay for this. I don’t think he loves me anymore.

2PM to 3:30 PM Relapse Prevention

I am so excited it’s my time! Kendra never even marked up my relapse prevention plan as if was incredibly thorough! She did want me to add Mike And to repair me plan to it. I read it in front of everyone and there are only one standard comment my “catastrophize Ing“ I did mention that and personalizing in it my relapse prevention plan, but I do generally do this since I’ve entered the shit show I’ve created. It sucks to be me!I am so excited it’s my time! It sucks to be me! well it takes two to tango and Mike is not innocent bystander by any means in fat he hasn’t helped me and has made everything much more difficult! He acts as if this ROI is his personal marital specialist. An ROI has to do with HIPAA and my well-being not his dictating my every move.

All right back to relapse prevention plan it went well this is my last and final class at Decision Point. I had everyone sign my card and in my journal and get some numbers as well. Then Avni Lorenzo and I walked back to the center one last time together.

It was a pretty boring night it was bittersweet as everyone was really tired and we all just kind of lounge around and then went to bed but it was nice to hang out with my girls!

well I’m not sure I got this last work sheet set but it says 531 so I’m gonna add it to the bottom well I’m not sure I got this last work sheet set but it says 531 so I’m gonna add it to the bottom

Day 48 June 3,2022

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

A little bit uneasy today I’m not sure why

How am I feeling physically?

OK ready to start the day and sweet Jesus drive a car!

How am I feeling spiritually?

I’m not as connected as I should be today.

What are my goals for the day?

A lot of getting things done. But some of that is shopping and I love to shop.

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mike and Connor – my loves

Just for today – June 4

“Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others.” Basic Text, p. 16

Spreading gossip feeds a dark hunger in us. Sometimes we think the only way we can feel good about ourselves is to make someone else look bad by comparison. But the kind of self-esteem that can be purchased at another’s expense is hollow and not worth the price.

How, then, do we deal with our negative sense of self? Simple. We replace it with a positive concern for others. Rather than dwell on our low self-esteem, we turn to those around us and seek to be of service to them. This may seem to be a way of avoiding the issue, but it’s not. There’s nothing we can do by dwelling on our low sense of self except work ourselves into a stew of self-pity. But by replacing our self-pity with active, loving concern for others, we become the kind of people we can respect.

The way to build our self-esteem is not to tear others down, but to build them up through love and positive concern. To help us with this, we can ask ourselves if we are contributing to the problem or to the solution. Today, we can choose to build instead of destroy.

Just for today: Though I may be feeling low, I don’t need to tear someone down to build myself up. Today, I will replace my negative sense of self with a positive concern for others. I will build, not destroy.

Slept six hours. So I haven’t written for a minute, not that I haven’t had a lot to say, but I was trying to get a lot complicated in a small period of time/window of opportunity that is. So I need to go back to getting to the last part. I was trying to get to Delaney’s auction house after I picked up the rental car, but put in 360 Osborn and not 3600 Osborn two totally different places in the greater Phoenix area. Like I said before this was West Phoenix where I wanted to be and I was somewhere in the middle of driving around in circles. The gentleman I spoke to there said he would wait after hours, but it was too late he had already left by the time I made it there and my phone was dead. I bought a charger from a very scary place, but I made it through OK. Most expensive charger cord in the world I might add! Starburst and a charger and an outlet cigarette adapter was $37 and change. I had to pay or I would not have known how to get back to sober living. Once I got my phone charged enough I had a text from Mercedes one of the House manager‘sThe gentleman I spoke to there said he would wait after hours, but it was too late he had already left by the time I made it there and my phone was dead. I bought a charger from a very scary place, but I made it through OK. Most expensive charger cord in the world I might add! Starburst and a charger and an outlet cigarette adapter was $37 and change. I had to pay or I would not have known how to get back to sober living. Once I got my phone charged enough I had a text from Mercedes one of the House Manager’s telling me to get home as I needed to be there to get a call from Nina, House Manager of all House Manager‘s, as there was a problem. Let me pre-face to say, this is not a short story and I need to start from the beginning.

When I started my adventure yesterday. While doing my online rental reservation for enterprise Rent-A-Car I did it at noon. However, there was a meeting, called “The Four Agreements” (very good book by the way) and it is a house AA meeting (all house – men and woman) at a restaurant nearby at 1 PM. Mercedes graciously offered to take me to the rental car place after the meeting. We stopped and got cigarettes and drove over to enterprise. I waited in line for a moment before I was helped by a man named Devon parentheses more like (a boy/younger man) of whom which was helping me. I said I had a reservation and showed him my phone and gave him my drivers license and credit card. For all purposes that being the regular drill when you rent a car, that is. However, not in may case, not today anyways. To which Devon said I didn’t have a reservation. I showed him the phone and he looked at me strangely. He then said you were/are late to your reservation and that he added if I minded walking stepping outside to chitchat for a moment. Now I will have to say as of lately I’m not finding too many things odd since I have found my life in general in uncharted waters. Let’s face it, my life seems like a shit show lately. Well nothing seems to shock me, or is any stranger than that of which I’ve lived these past 40 plus days. However, I’m about to have a conversation, I likely never expected to have. So, he takes me to the front of/outside/to the side of the entrance of Enterprise. He proceeds to ask me if “I’m OK“, “if I’m in any trouble“. I’m sure I have a perfect look like what the fuck is happening on my face. I say I’m fine. I’m not sure what came out of my mouth after that… What came out of his mouth, yet was something I did not expect… “I know you’re in a treatment at a Treatment Center.” At this point either this guy psychic or what I don’t… I have no idea what’s going on… Yes, my life in general, but… what the fuck are more of my thoughts. Then I say the first thought that comes to my mouth… “My drivers license is just fine”, following the thoughts how the hell does this guy know that and why does it matter when I’m driving a rental car? If I can rent a car…I have a license, huh? Then the next words that came out of Devon‘s mouth was “I spoke to your husband”. My mouth/jaw dropped completely I think I even had to pick it up off the cement sidewalk. Apparently, because I was late to my reservation and he dialed the wrong number not being able to get a hold of me. He called Mike whom informed him I was in a treatment center for addiction and obviously was only concerned I was going to drive to home or possibly Mike’s on the she’s on a “kill myself“ idea. I believe the latter. That’s almost about the time I cried out “I’ve been foiled.“ But no… I got the rental car if only for 36 hours.

Once I got back to the sober living house I was told Mike had stipulations on driving which was no driving and only to do IOP relax and work on myself. why wasn’t I told this before when it was the hard lines they were explaining to me. So I have to spend money here to take lifts and to go shopping and buy myself food I want to eat he’s not giving me any money I can work but I can’t spend any money I can’t do anything or go anywhere or go to the AA meetings without the Lyft or transportation for that matter. So I’m just supposed to sit do nothing unless I’m working and contemplate… However healthy Mike seems to think that sounds I’m a bit concerned. Nonetheless, there is so many things like a psychiatrist therapist a new primary physician. I need to look for an apartment. I mean I almost leave in 30 days – and I’m supposed to relax? I don’t know why but my anxiety is kicking in right now.

So I got the storage unit, I picked up my auction items and went shopping! Shopping on Thursday was so much fun! I had a blast! Macy’s, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, Forever 21, I got a Pinkberry with fruity Pebbles, and Taco Bell Mexican pizza! I was free! It felt so good to just be dash drive a car with windows down smoking an incredibly loud music! Just me! But that came to an end when I return the car back. Oddly enough Devon was there – he knew and nodded I wonder if he called Mike?

We had our mandatory zoom meeting on Friday night at 5 PM Mercedes made an awesome taco dinner Kearny Asada, beans, rice! It was awesome! Then just chilled in my room. I have the “teal room“ and I do not have a roommate so it’s really nice! To have my own bedroom is like a dream come true and it’s a queen size bed so that’s amazing!

Day 35 May 22, 2022

Slept eight hours it’s 4:50 AM 10 days left and so much to do. One thing at a time, Shannon! Today is our foe anniversary. The day Mike and I exchanged our vows formally in front of friends and family. I wore a gorgeous dress and everything was perfect… Caterers, cake, music! I was gorgeous, amazing, loving – it was a great day, 16 1/2 years ago.

Avni and I went to the gym and it was great it was a good workout. I didn’t like it before but I love working out and actually going to the gym! It could be because it’s an outing and I get to leave the residential and go to an actual gym or now that I’m sober my health is much more of a concern. So I’m putting this in my routine for sobriety.

9:30 to 11:30 AM SOUPER Fun Day Sunday Group Soup With Gregson, Troy and Rebecca

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Disorganized

How am I feeling physically?

A great work out

How am I feeling spiritually?

Connected

What are my goals for the day?

Start step four, call Blue Cross/Blue Shield

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

I’m gonna miss all you guys we’ve all gotten pretty close

Just for Today – May 22

“The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature. This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.”

Basic Text, p. 48

We know how to recognize the disease of addiction. Its symptoms are indisputable. Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior. When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain. We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes.

Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict. We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling.

If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious. Our best course of action is to get close to these people. As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening.

Just for today: My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening. I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.

Soup of the day…

Spiritual transcendence

I didn’t answer some of the last questions. We ran out of time. It could be that I didn’t want to. But I’m going to now finish them as of July 9, 2022.

Who should I grant forgiveness? Mike for not loving me anymore and the emotional anguish that’s causing me. Connor for not thinking, wanting, or needing his mom anymore. My Mother.

Did I include myself on that list? yes

What is preventing me from forgiving myself? It’s very difficult to forgive yourself when you hurt those you love deepest. Yet, I am slowly coming to terms with the nightmare that happened, doesn’t mean I forgive myself.

What am I doing to show compassion to myself? waking up doing my blog – making it an experience, trying to get out there and doing what needs to be done. And self-care trying to make myself beautiful.

Are there other people who also have similar experiences or conditions like me? Yes, many and some far worse

In what ways am I getting more involved and less isolated? I don’t know… I thought I could go back to work but I can’t even seem to get a job there. They know.

How will I come to terms that I am not the only person who has suffered or is suffering? I know I have to come to terms with that.

Self compassion and mindfulness?

Self Compassion: Compassion is the ability to show empathy, love, and concern to people who are in difficulty, and self-compassion is simply the ability to direct these same emotions within, and accept oneself, particularly in the face of failure. Many otherwise compassionate people have a harder time showing compassion for themselves

goodtherapy.org

Mindfulness: The basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. The goal of mindfulness is to wake up to the inner workings of our mental, emotional, and physical processes. Mindfulness is available to us in every moment, whether through meditations and body scans, or mindful moment practices like taking time to pause and breathe when the phone rings instead of rushing to answer it.

mindful.org

In which way will I use mindfullness? I am trying to be mindful of my reations. It is more difficult lately for me because I never cried. I was always mindful except when I drank, and that was definately not mindfulness. I was broken down to my core a few weeks ago. the tears and the issues I was always mindful of have made there way to the surface and I am dealing with emotions I dont show typically. My mindfulness I am sure will be different when this breakthrough (so to speak, for lack of better words, I apologize) has made its way. I was so mindful I didnt show how much I loved nor cared…there are somethings you should rush to answer. I guess what Im trying to say is (if there is such a thing) I would like to practice ‘healthy’ mindfulness and not the ‘unhealthy’ I learned.

Note to myself:

I wish to ragain my selfworth and my self-confiendence back. I can and will attain all I desire if I can work on myself and my mind. I am grateful for the opportunity to do so at the moment. I am grateful to learn how to be the person I once was and shine. When that is accomplished I will forgive myself. I will show my ‘self’ self compassion everyday until I succeed this goal.

Yoga with Rebecca

Rebecca always does really great fun activities when she’s in charge.

Activities in Recovery

Super Cool!!! Today we’re doing a ropes course. Oh my God, it was so much fun. I loved it! It was great! Everyone had so much fun! Mike and our son would love it and it’s not very far away. It’s near the older homes in town. Honestly so cool, I did not do what they called the wind chimes because I was too sore, a lot, from working out and didn’t want to push it too much!

Step four:

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.“ 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous

So the things that we do instinctually being that we are human sometimes hurt ourselves and others. And the stuff we’re supposed to go back and look at the things that have taken place how they happened what our part/instinct was in the process. These are called Resentments.

Well, I can already tell you, this one is it going to be more difficult than it sounds. Mike always says I like to deflect. I already know myself. That said, the resentments those will be easy but admitting my fault in the situation that is a tough cookie to swallow.

Day 34 May 21, 2022

“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there is a scarcity to make it happen.” – Wayne Dryer

Step five. Five hours and it’s 3:40 AM. Last night was so peaceful! I went over to Avni’s apartment for about two hours. She made pizza and we just watched how to get away with murder on the television. I was journaling and she was coloring. It was so incredibly nice to be away from my apartment. Don’t get me wrong everybody is wonderful there. However, no one ever shuts up. They’re so loud with everything that happens. The gossiping and the complaining it’s constant. I feel like I’m constantly held up writing on this twin bed, because the TV is always fucking on. What’s worse is everybody starting to get up at the same time I do and they’re ruining my quiet time. So I’m back in my room the TV finally got turned down. Yeah it’s still loud as fuck. Just think of my mantra only 11 days to go on the 11 days to go!

I’m great now Jim, Mary‘s husband, is coming for a four hour visit today and taking Mary out to dinner. When you were in recovery in charge or PHP, you can have a four hour visit. That’s really a nice thing. Especially for Mary, she talks so highly about Jim and their love and understanding. I know I won’t be having for our visitors and I’m at peace with that. I acknowledge why I’m here where I am and what transpired to get me here. Besides

My friend Avni and I have a lot in common. She’s been through similar to what I am going through. Although, her story didn’t work out., but that’s Avni‘s story to tell. I however know that Mike’s not done. He’s bitter and he’s very angry. No amount of love from my heart right now can fix that. So I feel the worst has yet to come. I do know you have to be separated for six months, Unless some type of law omits that. We shall see, oh I’m sure I will see. Right now, my word is mud. And I have a feeling, then I’m going to screw up regardless of any good intention. I feel like my soul is breaking,and when this is done I’m just going to be a walking soulless shell of a person.

We apparently had a surprise today. Creative expressions is going to be different today. I was already told what it is, as it’s not that big of a surprise. Sometimes they treat us like we’re children, and think the simplest outing is going to make any difference in the world. It’s some type of a potluck and free food, a celebration of sorts. Krista is in charge of creative expressions on the weekends. I stated before we should get new art supplies, so our bad art is on her Creative and inabilities. I guess she tries.

930 to 11:30 AM daily focus with Krista Troy and Rebecca

How am I feeling mentally today?

OK

How many feeling physically?

Hey I worked out

What are my goals for the day?

Getting a hold of my HR manager

What’s my affirmation/gratitude/greatness?

Avni for going to the gym this morning and Mary for getting laid today (that was a joke and I really embarrassed her this morning)

Just for Today – May 23

“We want to be free of our guilt, but we don’t wish to do so at the expense of anyone else.”

Basic Text, p. 39

Let’s face it: Most of us left trails of destruction in our wakes and harmed anyone who got in our way. Some of the people we hurt most in our addiction were the people we loved most. In an effort to purge ourselves of the guilt we feel for what we’ve done, we may be tempted to share with our loved ones, in gruesome detail, things that are better left unsaid. Such disclosures could do much harm and may do little good.

The Ninth Step is not about easing our guilty consciences; it’s about taking responsibility for the wrongs we’ve done. In working our Eighth and Ninth Steps, we should seek the guidance of our sponsor and amend our wrongs in a manner that won’t cause us to owe more amends. We are not just seeking freedom from remorse—we are seeking freedom from our defects. We never again want to inflict harm on our loved ones. One way to insure that we do not is by working the Ninth Step responsibly, checking our motives, and discussing with our sponsor the particular amends we plan to make before we make them.

Just for today: I wish to accept responsibility for my actions. Before making any amends, I will talk with my sponsor.

twelvestepjournaling.com/narcotics-anonymous/just-for-today

Human scavenger hunt

Rebecca passed out as humans scavenger hunt as a way for us to get to know each other. We kind of got into groups and some of us moved about. To see if we had anything in common. Somethings I hadn’t, with others. Here’s the worksheet…

It’s been proven that if you have a daily routine or a daily schedule your chances of recovery are higher. That’s why here we have routines like making sure the apartment is clean before we leave first thing we should do is make our beds. The time of classes how long we get for a break and what we need to do in that break etc. we went through a pamphlet today explaining a little bit better…

1:30 PM to 3:30 PM creative expressions with Krista

Creative expressions was interesting as we went to the park for narcotics anonymous barbecue and a speaker. I ate a chef salad for lunch so I didn’t eat while I was there. I really didn’t mingle because it wasn’t my thing so I colored for the most part. Avni John Pedro and I snuck over to the swings and played even went down the slide, it’s a good slide by the way! We got to leave early which was nice, that made me happy! Narcotics anonymous is so much different than Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean really different, so are the people ,as well. Yes everyone has a substance abuse problem but in relating to and the program, it is very different. Alcoholics Anonymous, AAA, tries not to stand out too much. Where is narcotics anonymous, and a comma is more like lead to be seen and hear me roar dash in your face kind of way. For now, that’s the best way I can explain it really.

At 5 PM last night I got my phone and I could check emails. Mike ordered the door from Home Depot and kindly use my email address as to rub it in my face, that he ordered it and how much. I can’t even email him and tell him to keep that shit to himself. And order protection it only goes one way – so apparently he can fucking harass me, but I can’t harass him! Talk to him! Email him! Text him! Call him! Well you get the drift. This is what I’m calling daggers I’m starting to know we are over. I hope for forgiveness but too many daggers have been sent my way and I don’t know if I can forgive now.

Sometimes privileges just seem to take a lot longer than expected. Even though they’ve been granted just longer. I can’t log onto the computer because IT codes don’t work and they have been emailed. I can’t log into my Lowe’s account as my password needs to be changed due to the length of time I’ve had it or that I’m still on a leave of absence. Lynn, the HR manager, is off so I’m kind of screwed and getting that apartment at the moment. Aargh! fuck!!

Well it’s close for bed. To completely change the subject I have tried to masturbate three times, now that Savannah has left for good again, and I fucking can’t. I love my husband, but if you’re not around nor do you want to be my mind should let the fuck go so I can at least please myself, but no! Not happening! It sucks! Well good night to me! Until tomorrow!

Day 33 May 20, 2022

Slept five hours and it’s 3:18 AM good morning! My son graduates eighth grade today! Sadness and joy envelop me. I’m sure Mike has made sure he looks sharp for his big mile stone. Congrats to my beautiful boy!

My sponsor keeps reminding me not to drink when I move out on my own and how unsafe it is for me. What she doesn’t understand is she doesn’t know me! I’m stronger than anyone thinks. I have lost too much. I cannot afford to lose that much again. Because next time it’s forever, I am gone. Mary, Jessica, Avni, Allison will be in Phoenix so that will be nice, and a support group for me. I will go to meetings with them. It will be good. Tempe here I come (hopefully anyway) if the apartment wasn’t already rented.

So as sad as it is to say, I’m a little excited to have my own apartment. To decorate as I see fit or the way I like. Some space for me to write! Space for me to have some freedom. As I sad as I am, I am actually looking forward to this!

I don’t think I can write anymore on the Mike front I think I’ve written, thigh, rationalized, felt, and kilted myself enough. I don’t feel at the moment compelled to write about… Nor do I feel to think about. I know it’s not all I have to say, but for now I am at peace with just myself. I will say some apologies though.

I apologize:

the lack of love you feel

That I made the choice to drink that night

For my actions I’m running away from the police

You screaming at me

Connor to scream at me

The closet getting torn apartThe closet getting torn apart

For being fearful

The door and the door knob

Our son wrestling me

The slap that was heard around the world

For lack of understanding

I couldn’t stop drinking

For all the fights

Most of all for losing you and our son

To Do’s for The Day

  • Call/text my sponsor
  • Call Lynn at Lowe’s
  • Change/transfer stores – Lowe’s
  • Call and order wall calendar
  • Check my email
  • Sign up for classes
  • Get my new computer login
  • Call Avana Tempe Apartments: proof of income and ID verification

Positives For The Day

  • Anti– Anxiety meds
  • Good outfit on today
  • We have a clean apartment
  • I am in PHP/Recovery in Charge (Avni is too)

8:20 AM to 8:50 AM daily focus with Troy

How am I feeling today mentally?

I am sad but on the outside trying to be happy

How am I feeling physically today?

Relaxed

How am I spiritually?

Praying a lot

What are my goals for today?

Call my sponsor and call Lowe’s

What is my affirmation/greatness/gratitude?

My son is graduating eighth grade today

Just for Today – May 20

“We find ourselves doing and enjoying things that we never thought we would be doing.”

Basic Text, p. 98

Active addiction kept us isolated for many reasons. In the beginning, we avoided family and friends so they wouldn’t find out we were using. Some of us avoided all nonaddicts, fearing moral backlash and legal repercussions. We belittled people who had “normal” lives with families and hobbies; we called them “uncool” believing we could never enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Eventually, we even avoided other addicts because we didn’t want to share our drugs. Our lives narrowed, and our concerns were confined to the daily maintenance of our disease.

Today, our lives are much fuller. We enjoy activities with other recovering addicts. We have time for our families. And we’ve discovered many other pursuits that give us pleasure. What a change from the past! We can live life just as fully as the “normal” people we once scorned. Enjoyment has returned to our lives, a gift of recovery.

Just for today: I can find pleasure in the simple routines of daily living.

9 AM to 10 AM Friday Farwell with Troy and Rebecca

Avni – Friday

Mary – Thursday

Jake – Wednesday

10:15 AM to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Wade

Not much to do today because we don’t have a regular Kendra. Kendra is awesome. Wade is cool. we all just went and talked about feelings around the room for the day. We also did a worksheet on goals. The majority of us did really funny goals so here goes mine…

130 to 245PM Life Skills with Mike and Jess

We talked about aggressiveness, assertiveness, and being passive.

An aggressive communication style can also be helpful when exerting physical activity, like at the gym or in a race. Passive Communication Style: A passive communication style occurs when individuals tend not to express their feelings or opinions to others. People take on a passive communication style for various reason’s.

What are examples of an aggressive communication style:

Speaking in a loud and overbearing voice Criticizing others Using humiliation to control others Attempts to dominate Frequent interruption “You” are an idiot.

What are Passive-Aggressive communication style examples?

Sarcasm Subtle sabotage Pretending to be cooperative while subconsciously doing tasks incorrectly Mumbling to themselves instead of confronting the problem.

What are examples of behaviors of an Assertive communication style?

Expressing needs clearly, respectfully, and appropriately “I” Statements Active Listening- listening without interrupting and reflecting on what you really mean to say.

We will see what Mike has to say. I still haven’t heard back from Kendra or jazz or Dave Seymour. I miss my people. I wonder if I will be far away enough if he will miss me if they miss me. Who knows right. I sure hope they do! What F’s are hard for me. I’ve prayed so many times,

why do I feel likeWe will see what Mike has to say. I still haven’t heard back from Kendra or jazz or Dave Seymour. I miss my people. I wonder if I will be far away enough if he will miss me if they miss me. Who knows right. I sure hope they do! What F’s are hard for me. I’ve prayed so many times, why do I feel like Mike in the world isn’t and Connor isn’t hearing or feeling the prayers I sent their way. So I have less than 12 days and I need to find a:

New primary doctor

A new therapist

And I OP

A new psychiatrist

I also need to do some job searches for:

H away management

Party planning

I’m scared they may ask for a guarantor and I don’t have one! Hopefully Lynn can do some magic about the proof of income! I pray, I need to pray, I need to beg God to help me.

I have to prove to Mike that I don’t need him so he knows – I can do this all by myself and he is not an enabler. I need my son back so bad I can’t bre! I love him so very much! I need to shine bright like a star for them!

Sewing therapy here at Decision Point we have a lot of learning and fellowship. I love the anger management I’m learning a lot about how to better control my anger but not just regular anger – the deep down anger that destruction can cause while drinking – to understand ourselves to control our temper and figure out where it came from. Then we can work on mindfulness when dealing with conflict. Especially much more conducive way than wanting to drink. I am very guilty of being angry when drinkingSewing therapy here at Decision Point we have a lot of learning and fellowship. I love the anger management I’m learning a lot about how to better control my anger but not just regular anger – the deep down anger that destruction can cause while drinking – to understand ourselves to control our temper and figure out where it came from. Then we can work on mindfulness when dealing with conflict. Especially much more conducive way than wanting to drink. I am very guilty of being angry when drinking. It only masturbates my anger and I become a total asshole. The Jekyll and Hyde syndrome in the Big Book.

My meds are kicking in it’s time for bed. Until tomorrow!

Day 32 May 19, 2022

I slept 7 1/2 hours feels great. It’s 5:40 AM so yeah a little bit late. Was supposed to work out, but too much to do since I slept in so late today. Apartment clean, laundry started. Tracie has strep throat so I am super careful in our apartment.

8:20 AM to 8:50 AM daily focus with Krista

How am I feeling mentally?

Jumbled – sad about a few things I must do

How am I feeling physically?

Well…

How am I spiritually?

I haven’t prayed in a couple days

What are my goals for today?

I guess call my sponsor

Affirmation/gratitude/greatness?

Everyone for being here and all their hugs I got a lot of closure on one item yesterday!

Just for today:

Inventory

“We review our past performance and our present behavior to see what we want to keep and what we want to discard.”

Basic Text, p. 29

As each day winds to a close, many of us reflect on the past twenty-four hours and consider how we can live differently in the future. It’s easy for our thoughts to remain trapped in the mundane: change the oil in the car, keep the living room clean, or empty the litter box. Sometimes it takes a special effort to jog our thinking out of the daily rut and onto a higher track.

One simple question can put us on the high road: What do we think our Higher Power wants for us tomorrow? Maybe we need to improve our flagging conscious contact with the God of our understanding. Perhaps we’ve been uncomfortable in our job or our relationship, holding on only out of fear. We might be hiding some troubling defect of character, afraid to share it with our sponsor. The question is, in what parts of our lives do we really want to grow?

As each day ends, we find it beneficial to take some moments to spend time with our Higher Power. We can begin to reflect on what will benefit our program of spiritual growth most in the coming day. We think about the areas in which we have grown recently, and target areas that still require work. What more fitting way to end the day?

Just for today: I will set aside some time at the end of the day to commune with my Higher Power. I will review the past day, meditating on what stands between me and my Higher Power’s will for my life.

My inventory for the day Mike and Decision Point’s day of Seymour equal separation/Apartments/insurance. I must pray …I have turned in my plan. Dave Seymour just needs to call Mike and tell him. So Inventory, my sadness! I love that man and my son but I’m taking inventory I must let them go! So it will be sad today.

letter’s copies made and given:

1 PM with Jess

We looked at the sobriety experience, destiny sober living, and sanctuary sober living all in Phoenix. I like Camelback Recovery and Spero.

Just was given all the information to call Mike. Dave Seymour said he already spoke to Mike and he wants to know what to do financially. It will get done and we will see. Hopefully it goes well. I’m very sad about our love dying. My heart is broken. I can’t do much now. Tempe here I come. I’m not happy about that heat, but I will live.

2 PM to 3:30 PM Cinema Therapy with Wade & Healing Minds with Andy

Emotional regulation

Keeping your emotions in check! Working on emotions – uncomfortable! It could cause drinking in order to deal with what we/are feeling.

4 PM PHP/recovery in charge with Gregson

Today I earned recovery in charge/PHP. So I will have a different schedule, more cell phone privileges, I can have visitors even though that won’t happen, more walking privileges, more time to work on job search, domestic violence classes or anger management classes. In fact I need to actually sign up for those when I get some money.

Hopefully I will get more accomplished, while I am here I have a lot to accomplish. Seriously a lot of stuff to do. Worked on recovery and charge worksheet, timetable we must turn in for Gregson and or Troy every day! It’s so crazy! A daily schedule turned in I’m not sure for what it’s not like we go far or have a lot to do… This must be a life skill making plans and writing them down. I’m pretty sure I got that one down that I’m almost positive I do! Almost to an OCD level.

Day 31 May 18 2022

I slept eight hours last night. The anxiety let me sleep really good. I feel very well rested. Time to start the day going and getting ready to go to court. I hope Mike does not show up! I’m really not in the mood to see him!

Luckily, Mike did not show up. When I got there at 7:35 AM MaryAnne and I stood in line until clerks office opened at 8 AM to check in and then another hour and a half until I was called into the prosecutors area. The prosecutors assistant (don’t know what his title really is) without looking at his/my paperwork asked who I was with me immediately off the bat I said this is the owner of Decision Point, MaryAnne, with a treatment facility I am currently at. He was OK with that as soon as he got was told. We talked about the charges and said they didn’t look good. I said I was the catalyst. I further said:

I said, no matter what, my son nor my husband, under any circumstances, I do not want to cause more harm or tragedy to have them have to go through a trial or back at court. The prosecutor for all points purposes said we could add jail time so you could have a public defender and postpone 30 days out for another pre-trial. I said this is not a jailable offense and jail time will not be necessary nor needed and I do not need legal representation at this time. I then asked him to see my plea deal. He said he hasn’t prepared one to give me. I said I am prepared to be plead out today. He didn’t draft one nor was he prepared. He said that he spoke to my husband prior to me meeting with us. So he assumed my thought I would add jail time to get a lesser offense (he once asked when I go to jail – I can only make that assumption) I just want this over with. He said he would draft one and get back to me in a little bit after he saw everyone else. Which probably meant he had to call Mike back. We waited an hour more before being called in. He said if you don’t like this deal or if you want to think about it you can have 30 more days and meet with the real prosecutor Chris. I could’ve waited, I could’ve had a jail time, I could’ve done a lot of different things. Yet my brain hurt and my heart hurts and for all parties involved I thought it best to take the plea deal and to stop causing any more misery. Buy misery on any party involved. So one of my gut feeling and not my emotions. Thank God for antianxiety medication’s. I said can I please see the plea deal so this is the deal:

Four counts of class one counts of class one misdemeanor’s:

  • Assault
  • Disorderly conduct
  • Criminal damage
  • Intent to Harm
    • $400 each count so $1600 total
    • $300 for the criminal damage
    • $20 for a service fee for the payment plan
    • $1920 total and charges and fees
    • $120 for online anger management classes
    • $120 for online domestic violence classes
    • No contact with Mike And my son for 11 months – that can’t be lifted
    • Unsupervised probation for 11 months
    • Must complete my treatment and show certification at Decision Point
    • Restitution for the criminal damage of $300 will be paid off first
    • $1920 and total tickets, fees, and restitution
    • $50 a month starting June 28, 2022

I didn’t want any more harm to Mike and our son. When you look at my consequences (and original amounts) going in, this was a really good deal. Considering and especially I don’t want Mike or our son to suffer anymore than they have to. So, done done and done… no more stressing over that issue! I can just move onto the next. Which is getting me healthy and back to my family.

During the downtime, of the morning, MaryAnne and I have plenty of time to talk. It was nice to have conversations. MaryAnne also suffered as an alcoholic. We talked about situation’s. We talked about rules and why they are in place – because I said have fun eat some of the rules are! The way people at residential don’t like them even though I know why they are there and in place. Some we had good laughs about! we had similar things in common. We also agree in the way we were raised. We talked about all I have to get accomplished and get done. She sent an email to Kendra, after explaining to me all about Recovery in Charge which is PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) what the residents call it– which has to do with status of insurance. Since, MaryAnne initiated, I was passed through with a quick vote of her peers! So I am now in PHP or Recovery and Charge so that’s great.

After court I’m still in dress and heels. The hills are comfortable though I haven’t eaten and I’m starving , but it’s time to go to the smoke shop and I need a carton of cigarettes, badly. I’ve been smoking like a fiend since I got here. It would be nice being around with Nicole, MaryAnne’s daughter, she really is a beautiful soul. It’s always a pleasure.

During my phone I called a few attorneys, spoke with them and got an appointment with another attorney at 4:30 PM. I also made some purchases. Mike will be pissed but it’s our money and he by law has to allow me access. Well, that’s what I was told anyway. I ran to van after phone and shoved down food. I’ve been making yogurt parfaits lately I love them I also need a bit more roughage.

3:58 PM family sculpt with Kendra and Wade

We went over dysfunctional family members and how we resonate with. I am a family hero and a little enabler. Then Bo and Avni did their families got those family sculpt was very emotional. I was in Avni sculpt I was her mom in the sculpt.

4:30 PM the attorney call:

Well, I can’t do anything! Mike hasn’t officially filed. I would need to file and I don’t want to be the first. 

I need to lift the ROI immediately now the court is over he apparently doesn’t care I’m doing he just wants to know what to do next.

7-8 PM NA meeting

Boring, same people as always!