“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you out there.” – Rumi
Today I did one of my (actually three) of my sober bucket list item/s.
New belly ring in (hole was still there)
Got my nipples pierced
Acrylic nails back on
Wow! I love my nipples they look amazing! I even got the matching aurora stone for my belly button as well! Sexy as fuck! If Mike could see me now!
My stress level is hit the roof and my anxiety was over the top with all I needed to do but Lizzie the House manager hang out with me and we swam in the pool the whole rest of the day and had roasted veggies – Yum!
I got to Tracie on the phone. Poor thing is sick again she’s now in quarantine at Decision Point and no one can talk to her/see her. They put her all by her self in Avni’s old apartment and she is zooming all of the meetings and classes. I hope Tracie feels better she was like hell yeah when I told her about my nipple piercings! She made me send a picture! She’s so funny!
Mercedes, Lizzie, and I were talking about churches and tomorrow after deep clean and morning house meeting we are going to check out this really cool church with crystals and stuff… I am super excited! Mike would’ve hated it and teased me the whole time!
Well, I’m getting ready for bed and won’t forget to write tomorrow.
I love you. I always have. That will never change. Good, bad, and ugly. It’s always been you.
I’d like to preface, that this letter is coming from the heart and not from some obligation to step work. That will come. I just wanted to tell you a few things. I listen to your voicemail over and over and over again the one that says I just like talking to you. I miss telling you everything. I know longer have that right anymore.
I guess I never really thought of it as a trust thing you’re not allowing me to drive a car. I saw it as a I can’t get what you want done without physically going and seeing properties. I also need to go to Lowe’s in Scottsdale. Yet, it ended up being phone calls that I had to make and not actually going to a Lowe’s Scottsdale store. Had I any idea I would end up in a mental institution for renting a car? Homeless? FUCK NO. I really don’t remember much except for crying profusely for hours, a mental break, a psychiatrist, and the words your husband does not love you, before they admitted me. I can’t change the past, if I could… I would go back further. I got the medication I needed! I slept for 2 1/2 days straight I only got up to eat. So that’s a good thing I don’t know. I have never just slept like that. My brain needed it.
This is really hard, before you say “I know it is really hard,” you haven’t any idea. I wish you were wish you were right and I had relapsed. However, that is the furthest from the truth. Everything always looks above board because I never let anybody see anything else. I can’t imagine you both seeing me like that. I know that you have told several people that you don’t understand and I should’ve just quit, if it only been that easy. I would’ve made that choice first I rather then the choice I made. I didn’t realize how angry, depressed and an alcoholic I truly had become. I am okay, now, not drinking and with proper medication. I can actually see who I was and that scares me. I know it scared you too. My depression isn’t bad anymore it’s normal levels, and I am not angry. . My mind is no longer stuck on a fast forward continual loop. I couldn’t ever see that before.
Yes, there are a slew of things I told myself in order to not have an addiction problem and a whole slew of things I covered up. I know you always be furious at me. I know I will never be forgiven, nor do I ask for your forgiveness. I know you’re keeping me from going to Prescott on the Fourth of July, besides that you’ve had to scrape me up off the floor every Fourth of July so I get it, I understand and I agree with. I’m just trying to figure everything out one step at a Time for a change. I no longer have to put the cart before the horse or vice versa.
Divorce! That’s a hard pill to swallow. I never thought that I would ever get divorced, not from you. Yet I am. I know I’m the catalyst. Everything seems so surreal to me. I lost my my son. I’ve lost my husband. I’ve lost all my friends. I lost my self-respect. I have no respect. All I have is a red suitcase with some clothes. No I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m just stating the facts. I owe so much to you and you helping me, while you did. You’re having to do this all alone. You’re having to do all of this for yourself and for Connor. I am so sorry I’ve devastated our family. What you both are going through. It seems weird to be doing all this alone. It’s like I’m still in fight or flight mode. I’m sure you aren’t though. Going to go pick up my medication’s hopefully today. I know you’re busy and I have to get ready have a wonderful Fourth of July and a great time at camp. You don’t have to worry about me I know my place. I love you. I know Connor doesn’t wanna hear it at all not for me but please tell him that you love him.
PS. I was going to try for another community management position but I can’t do so until I have a car. I can’t pick up my medication’s. I can’t do a lot of things Mike I know you don’t want me to rely on you but there’s certain things that I have to please help me.
Due to extenuating circumstances (car, funds for both travel and attorney), I hope this letter finds the court within my 20 day time frame. I would like to tell the court that I love my husband and my son more than this world. I take my recovery from alcoholism seriously. I have completed a 45 day treatment program for alcohol and anxiety at Decision point in Prescott. I am in Sober Living in Mesa at Spero House and I am doing amazing. I have a Sponsor and am working my steps. I am in a 90 day IOP program at The River Source Recovery in Mesa, of which I will pay for. This includes therapy, as well, on top of what I am asking. I have transferred from Prescott Home Improvement Lowes to Mesa Lowes Home Improvement and will start very soon. That said I will continue to make my restitution fees, begin domestic violence classes and anger management (as soon as first paycheck). No monetary value I am asking for will pay any of the court restitution nor classes. I am and will continue to thrive living in the here and now. I feel the way I want to feel. I act the way I want to act. I look and dress the way I want to feel being the person I am meant to be. I would love nothing more than to have a chance. I love my husband and I will fight for our family and our marriage, no matter the present outcome.
I am having a hard time losing my best friend of 22 years and my son. I would never nor have I broken the court order; I am not nor have I been an abusive predator. Everything in my life was so secretive. Today is 90 days without drinking. I feel great, I look better. I am different than I was the last 2 years; even more so in my life. I am the person I was when he fell in love with me, but better. I would like the chance to date him again. I want to see my son. I want to show them both happiness and fulfilment, my purpose. I am very driven to my purpose.
My beautiful gorgeous son, my light. He needs to see me being amazing and not this shell of an isolated binge drinker. I want them both to see me and how healthy my mind is. Therapy and counseling may not help; if even after a few months it does not than I agree it is time to move on.
That said I am willing to negotiate terms of spousal support and other requests if “other orders I am requesting” can be met.
Summary of what I want regarding spousal maintenance that is different from what my spouse asked for in the petition.
I am asking $2,000.00 dollars a month for a duration of ten (10) years 19 years of marriage (including the domestic partnership we entered while dating). In addition to monetary spousal support, one (1) year medical insurance coverage; Toyota Camry and six (6) months of Vehicle insurance coverage; $8,000.00 to purchase new furniture; Movers to move belongings to storage facility and storage unit paid for one (1) year; hormonal Pellet injection paid for one (1) year; and all credit card debt paid in full.
Other orders I am requesting.
Removal of Order of Protection. Conciliation and mediation. One (1) year of counseling together, one (1) year of individual therapy, and one (1) year of family therapy
I truly believe given the chance and opportunity we can continue as a wonderful family unit as we had been in the past. I believe this relationship can be salvaged if given the chance as well.
Slept six hours I slept off and on last night I kept waking up I think I had bad dreams, But with the trazodone I can’t tell whether I dream or not. I just felt like I had nightmares! Ran downstairs and got my phone at 5:30 AM. I have my phone until 630 and I’m gonna plug away at the computer. I still have more to do and will get that accomplished soon.I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that. I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that.
How am I feeling mentally?
stressed out, but excited
How am I feeling physically?
How am I feeling spiritually?
I keep praying
What are my goals for the day?
follow my exit list I made
Mike for this next step in recovery
Each Day A New Beginning
Daily Meditation Guide for Woman
By Karen Casey
“One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach; one can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few.“ – And Morrow Lindbergh
Being selective and choosing activities, and choosing friends, and choosing material possessions fosters unexpected appreciation. Too much of any one thing negates whatever specialness might have been realized. If we surround ourselves with acquaintances, we never fully share in knowing if you people well. If surrounded ourselves with “toys”, we never learned how to really want to spend our time.
When we don’t take life too slowly, piece by piece one shell at a time, we avoid the greatest discovery of all, the person within. When our attention to persons, places, things is deliberate and steady, the beauty within the object of our focus shines forth, and we, too, I made more beautiful in the process.￼
Today, I will take time to smell the flowers
On our last day at Decision Point we’re not allowed to go to classes and we have to wait until 2 PM to leave to get our phone and do our final check out and then someone has to come and pick us up. So I have most of the day to get different chores, packing meeting with doctors, meeting with nurses, and final residential exit.
My leaving to do list
wash bed linens
Pack up clothes
Pack up shoes
Pack up all stuff
Clean all drawers, closet, floors, underneath all furniture
Relabel all of my food, pack whatever food I want and clean off my pantry shelves
Meet with psychiatrist
Meet with nurses for my meds
Figure out transportation
Do residential discharge
Get my phone
Get dressed and ready
Say all my goodbyes
According to Jess yesterday, she said that Mike was waiting until 12 noon today to make a final decision. So far I’m not sure where I’ll be going I know I’ll be going somewhere and I’m not sure how I’ll be getting there. I contemplated running a car however I don’t have enough funds at my disposal for the deposit the car yes deposit no. So I’m incredibly nervous my stomach is turning leaps and bounds. I wonder how long he’ll keep punishing me for.
It’s nice when no one’s around I have the music on really loud while I do my cleaning and packing no one will be back to the apartment until around noon from lunch break so I have a good three hours to get everything I need accomplished.
So, Hannah, from Camelback, called the residential area. Apparently she’s been trying for quite some time to get a hold of me. Mike’s decided on Camelback recovery but he has “hard lines“ or rules that matter he must have full ROI access. He must have full access to my bank account and I am not allowed to spend any money out of my bank account. Also all payments have to go through my bank account because if I leave I am financially or fiduciaries responsible. We were having difficulty getting all the documents emails for me to sign to get back to them. Just a fiasco meanwhile I had to see doctors and nurses I’m still not completely packed. Maybe I should’ve started packing last night but I wanted to hang out with the girls.
So I’m ready to leave and there’s no transportation. Mike had not paid or called for any transportation for me to get to and from Prescott to Phoenix. Mary Anne, the owner of Decision Point, kindly paid for a Groome Transportation Phoenix Airport Shuttle so I could get down there. I got my phone, I did my residential check out, hopped in the residential minivan, and got to Groome and they wouldn’t take me.
They didn’t want to take me because of the amount of stuff I had. By this time my uneasy feeling has become completely flourished. Somethings wrong is going to happen. Something just doesn’t feel right about this.I have that feeling where wrong choices have been made and I’m going to regret making any suggestion to Camelback Recovery sober living.
The woman and Groome Transportation kept arguing with me and I kept pleading is there anyway that I can do anything can we solve this problem. I even offered because I still had $100 of what Mike left me of $200 when I got to Decision Point for petty cash. Eventually she went and she asked the manager and he said just this one time as long as the bus driver agrees and he did he felt sorry for me. I guess a lot of the sober living in treatment centers where I’m located have a tendency to just drop off and dump people there with all their belongings to get sent back onto an airport or wherever there is they may go and groom transportation is sick of it.
It was a nice quiet drive on the way down I just listen to music with my beats that I haven’t been able to listen to since I got to Decision Point and got dropped off at whatever terminal a number I was supposed to be. I waited over two hours to get picked up because Mercedes one of the House manager’s kept getting lost and couldn’t figure out the airport system. So yes I eventually got picked up. We drove to her in the airport to the house in Scottsdale and started to unload my stuff. As we entered into the garage I was introduced to one of the gals there who is not nice at all. Women typically are bitchy so I’m brushing it off for now. I’m hoping tomorrow when she actually meets meets me things will change. I’m kind of exhausted from the day so I’m gonna get a little unpacked and go to bed for now until tomorrow.
“Through spontaneity we are reformed into ourselves. Freed from handed down frames of reference, spontaneity becomes the moment of personal freedom when we are faced with a reality, explore it and act accordingly.“ – Viola Spolin
Is that 5.5 hours I’m up and it’s 3:30 AM. I slept good! I woke up sad but I always wake up sad – it’s becoming my theme song and it’s carried throughout my day.
I realized something the other day. How sad for Mike to take away from this that we cannot be stronger. That I won’t be stronger, but I am. I am still here fighting. He wants to take everything away from me. I get angry, but he couldn’t have ever loved me that much – could he have? I actually have sadness for him in that regards. No amount of coercion, begging and pleading will stop or aid in his or on his behalf. I genuinely need to let him go. I don’t think you’ll ever be back. If you wanted to come back, would I forget? with this whole thing genuinely make a stronger? Maybe I am holding onto something we never had in the first place. Maybe my grandeur thoughts of love really do not exist. Maybe I’m just and have been talking out of my ass about everything. Maybe I want so badly I can’t see the truth in front of me? I don’t know, but my heart cannot take any more heartache. I need to make peace – however that may be and what extent that is… I cannot be healthy if I cannot. I’m only 51 years old. I feel like I can’t go on but I am going on. Do I really never want to have joy, joy and myself? I may not ever be the love I thought I was or the love I thought I had. But I am strong enough to weather even the worst storm obviously maybe I wasn’t. But I know I am enough to get by, maybe not completely through this but if I’m going to stay/stick around, I need to be present. I need to be present in the here and now for the people who are here and now with me – who care. Not my losses. If they are lost for good – it’s gone and by dwelling I’m only hurting myself, and losing even more – the people that do give a shit. I’ll push them away too, then where will I be? I get what Kendra meant now parentheses God I miss her and parentheses. “There are people here that do love you.“ They are the ones that are here. I need to focus on those people! That Kendra man she was wise! I hope she knows not all is lost on me!
My daily focus
How am I feeling mentally?
Emotionally anguished I’m hurting sad seems like a constant sad!
How am I physically?
Rested I feel strong, strong enough to push through another day
How am I spiritually?
Still thinking about yesterday – but many more prayers
What are my goals
Blog and write two steps two and three in one breath at a time by Kevin Griffin
What’s my affirmation my greatness my gratitude?
I’d say Mike for pushing me – but he’s not anymore – I guess I just have the will to go on and find hope in the day.
Journey To The Heart
Daily Meditations On The Path to Frame Your Soul
by Melanie Beattie
Put Yourself On Equal Ground
I sat in the booth across from my friend. I was fiddling with an empty soda can in front of me while we discuss the subject of tower. Suddenly he snatched the can away from me and began tossing it in the air, catching it, then tossing it up again. “See how easy it is to take your power?” He said. “See how you just gave it to me?” I watched, amazed at how quickly I had relinquished my power, how vulnerable I was to the world around me.
Then my friend smiled and stopped juggling the can. “Relax,“ he said. “It’s an illusion. That’s not really your power – it’s an empty can. And it’s an illusion that anyone can take your power away from you.“
Each of us has an unlimited supply of power available – the power to think, to feel, to take care of ourselves. The power to open our hearts, love, be gentle, honest, and kind. We have the power to be clear and to trust and follow the guidance of our own hearts.
Part of our journey to freedom, and important part, is equalizing our relationships. For many years, we may have believe the scales were tipped one way or the other in our work and love relationships. We may have believed that others knew a great deal more than we did, or we may have begun to believe that we had all the answers. But no one has a higher power. That’s an illusion. So much so that sometimes the person we believe is more powerful than us may be looking at us thinking where are the ones pulling the strings.￼
Remember, if you give up your power or decide that someone has power over you, you’ll begin grouting, sabotaging, and doing sneaky little things to equalize that relationship, to feel like you have your power. There’s another way, a better way, one that will help you heal.
Put yourself on equal ground.
No one, and I mean no one,It’s going to take the power and make me feel hopeless and sad, not anumore. I was acting out sneaky little things, not anymore. I need to have my power. He cant control it anymore. I know it’s going to be a battle I know I’m gonna write about it but I just may surprise everyone and start writing a little bit more getting well stuff.
I am sad to know its over. This was Mike’s plan all along. Here is my pink elephant in the room. I believe Mike has wanted this divorce no matter the line I walked. He doesn’t want me anymore. He definately doesn’t want us anymore. If he truely did things would be different. He will always be my love. I will never nor would I give up on him. That’s my truth.
I slept 5 1/2 hours. It’s 3:40 AM I’m exhausted and tired, sad, anxious, nervous, and depressed! I feel I feel like I just got here to Desicion Point all over again, with all the unknowing, as when I just arrived. I am not nervous to leave here. It is easy to not want to drink at all. Because of what happened and the embarrassment of it all! I am, as it happens excited to go to Scottsdale. I feel like a fresh start is good. I don’t think I will ever come back (live I mean) in Prescott. That’s just too much; too many people involved and I don’t want to be a part of that nightmare.
I get my phone in an hour. Hopefully no nasty messages from Mike. It’s not like I have anyone to call. I don’t want anyone to know. Mike has burnt bridges on behalf of me. Maybe that was wrong to say. He has told people, many people, and I don’t want to ever talk about it. Besides I know deep down it is over, I will never see my son and never be a wife to make again – my son I will fight for. I don’t know that I want to fight for Mike. I know he’s hurt, but his capabilities and actions in this not the man I married, nor am I nor will I ever be the woman he married.
I’ve changed. I’m a completely different person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not isolating and binge drinking anymore and too scared of my shell of a person. I’m stronger I don’t know that Mike will like me anymore.i’ve changed. I’m a completely different person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not isolating and binge drinking anymore and too scared of my shell of a person. I’d like to think that he would like me but I need to change my whole look I want to become the person I was meant to be I have a happiness and I am fulfilled, I feel like I have a purpose I think people want to read what I have to say. Mike probably won’t like that either.
Memorial Day is upon us and today it will be a lot more lax, and chill as for programming. Bonus, we get a barbecue! I’m looking forward to that! I need to finish the pasta salad this morning and give it to John so he can add his magic (the pepperonis and extras) as we split the cost/or groceries to be honestly specific.
It’s 4:50 AM and I need to get ready. I’m going to wear the shirt that Mike bought me one of the shirts I actually like that he brought to me while I was here. I wish you would’ve brought more clothes. As I’m beginning to get ready to order some. A new style for a new me.
My Daily Focus
How am I feeling mentally?
Anxious/sort of good
How am I feeling physically?
Anxious – my body feels it!
How am I feeling spiritually?
Trying and praying for some type of an answer
What are my goals for the day?pppppp
I don’t know I can’t move forward
Just for Today – May 30
“Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone.”
Basic Text, p. 81
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is a state of the heart, an emptiness that makes us feel sad and sometimes hopeless. Loneliness is not always alleviated when we enter into relationships or surround ourselves with others. Some of us are lonely even in a room full of people.
Many of us came to Narcotics Anonymous out of the desperate loneliness of our addiction. After coming to meetings, we begin to make new friends, and often our feelings of loneliness ease. But many of us must contend with loneliness throughout our recovery.
What is the cure for loneliness? The best cure is to begin a relationship with a Higher Power that can help fill the emptiness of our heart. We find that when we have a belief in a Higher Power, we never have to feel lonely. We can be alone more comfortably when we have a conscious contact with a God of our understanding.
We often find deep fulfillment in our interactions with others as we progress in our recovery. Yet we also find that, the closer we draw to our Higher Power, the less we need to surround ourselves with others. We begin to find a spirit within us that is our constant companion as we continue to explore and deepen our connection with a Power greater than ourselves. We realize we are spiritually connected with something bigger than we are.
Just for today: I will take comfort in my conscious contact with a Higher Power. I am never alone.
9 AM to 11:30 AM Primary Group with Gregson
Because it’s Monday he’s calling it Monday Group Soup! Too funny I love all the soup recipes though it makes all of us kind of happy. I think I am the only person who actually makes all the soup recipes. Well except for the cheeseburger one I already know that one taste like shit. My Connor and I tried it once I had a friend who said it was the bomb and it was definitely a bomb but not in a good sense. It was a definite thumbs down from my family.
Traits I am/I know I am:
loyal, attractive, creative, strong ,resilient, decisive, and tolerant
Traits I wish I was more like and I need to work on:
Friendly, patient, relaxed
Learning about early recovery and cravings – following through with it – sponsors – we need them not to fall into our cravings! We don’t want to do drugs or drink – we are too dependent on her addiction.
What is my spirit animal I didn’t choose and I did a pass in class, but I really think it’s either a butterfly, a ladybug, or a hummingbird. I will Google today and find one – one tell the world as tomorrow I must announce and explain!
Butterfly Spirit Animal:
The butterfly spirit animal symbolizes thepsyche, just like the ladybug spirit animal, and how you should be in tune with your emotions and spirit. Spiritually speaking, the butterfly spirit animal signifies resurrection and the need for meditation if you wish to take the road to enlightenment.
But perhaps the most well-known butterfly symbolism is that of rebirth, metamorphosis, and transformation.
This is because the butterfly goes through different stages before it comes out to the world better, stronger, and more beautiful.
This means that your life will also be moving through different stages.
You will also undergo different struggles and take giant leaps so that you can grow, change, and become someone you have never even imagined.
Just like the eagle, the butterfly totem encourages you to have a change in perspective, personality, and personal habits for the sake of your well-being.
If you will never change, you will never see your full potential!
The meaning of the butterfly also indicates playfulness and lightness of being and spirit. Life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time!
Your butterfly spirit animal is reminding you to pause and take a breather, because life is short! Sometimes a different perspective is all you need to ease the heaviness or the tensions that you are experiencing.
The butterfly has bold, bright, and beautiful colors, which symbolize the need to bring joy and happiness into your life. Lighten up and bring more color in and show the world your colorful personality!
Here is why the Butterfly Spirit animal is Lucky for some…
When the butterfly spirit animal appears to you, it means that you are ready to let go of someone or something that has been keeping you shackled.
This has been holding you back, and it will be gone from your life soon!
The butterfly meaning wants to tell you that you are now ready to delve deeper in your journey.
You are now heading to a new level of awareness, and your choices are becoming the catalysts for that transformation that you are looking for in your life.
The butterfly symbolism tells you of your hidden potential. It signals the time for you to spread your wings and fly!
Read more at: https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/butterfly-spirit-animal/
The Ladybug Spirit Animal:
Symbol of good luck, the ladybug is said to give blessings to those she encounters. Master in the art of metamorphosis, she transforms from a hideous larva to a beautiful insect adorned with bright colors. This totem animal is a powerful ally to make important changes in your life and go through your life’s journey with ease. Let’s discover its encouraging message: Believe in yourself and dare!
What Do Ladybugs Symbolize?
Whether you meet the ladybug in reality or in a dream, it is generally considered a symbol of good luck and happiness.
The main meanings of the ladybug are:
Importance of lightness
Changes, even metamorphosis
Going beyond illusion
A happy resolution to a hassle
The miraculous at play in the everyday life
The importance of staying alert to avoid pitfalls
The need to know yourself well to make the right life choices
Ladybug symbolism is centered around positivity and happiness. Seeing a ladybug is therefore usually considered as a good omen.
The Ladybug, A Symbol Of Luck And Positivity
When the ladybug shows up in your life, it surely signifies that positive change is on the way. This humble-looking spirit animal is a most-trusted ally when it comes to brightening the day and disrupting a gloomy mood our outlook.
This spirit animal brings a breath of fresh air if you’re getting caught in the daily grind or feel things are getting confusing or simply just too dark. Call her as a lucky charm to deal with a tricky situation or relationship, or to get out of your own head if need be!
The ladybug spirit animal has always been a symbol of good luck. If you have a wish that you would like to come true, the ladybug symbolism is an indication that your wish will be granted very soon!
When you chance upon a ladybug, make a wish and watch it fly away and make your wish come true.
In case you didn’t know anything about the hummingbird spirit animal, it represents lightness of being. Just like the fly symbolism, the enjoyment of life is also a hummingbird symbolism.
People who have the hummingbird as a spirit animal are being called to enjoy life more and release the negativity wherever it is present.
All these from a fascinating bird that can perform amazing feats which can truly surprise you!
Common Hummingbird Spirit Animal Meanings
The hummingbird meaning is of love and happiness. It represents the miracle of life, and all the wonderful things that make up life.
Just like the hummingbird that flies far and wide, it’s about being able to endure long and arduous journeys with joy and playfulness.
It’s about learning to be independent and being present in the moment.
The hummingbird totem encourages you to enjoy life and keep yourself light and free. Enjoy life because it is fleeting.
Release all the negativities to let the love and light in. Open your life to the good energies so that you can receive more love and joy.
When you have an affinity with the hummingbird, you are also able to move swiftly and think quickly. You glide from one place to the next.
The hummingbird meaning also brings to light the time to show your loved ones how much you truly appreciate and love them.
Do not be so preoccupied with accolades and material wealth, because none of these things matter if you have no one to share them with.
The hummingbird symbolism prompts you to be ready for life’s surprises, and to adapt to any situation, no matter how demanding or challenging.
Learn to fight without harming anyone, and do it simply with the courage and wisdom that you possess.
If Your Spirit Animal is the Hummingbird, read this carefully…
Unlike the elephant, the hummingbird symbolism speaks about love. It’s a powerful totem of love and romance.
If you chance upon a hummingbird, focus on the love that you have, and the love that’s soon to come. If you don’t give it the care and attention that it deserves, it will fly away from you!
The hummingbird meaning also signifies enchantment, and how you should allow yourself to take great delight in the big and small things.
Never lose your sense of wonder, because this will help you on your journey towards love, happiness, and spiritual enlightenment.
Do this if you see the Hummingbird Totem in Your Dreams…
When you see the hummingbird spirit animal, you are being prepared for the journey ahead of you.
Start paying attention to the small details, because you never know when something seemingly insignificant can be helpful.
The hummingbird symbolism also urges you to conserve your energy when you are embarking on a journey. Don’t go full speed so soon because you will quickly lose your momentum.
It’s time to face new challenges and fight for your beliefs.
The hummingbird totem symbolizes the need for endurance and perseverance, and experiencing more joy, love, and happiness by finding it in the simplest things.
Positive Traits of the Hummingbird Spirit Animal
The hummingbird spirit animal appears out of nowhere bearing gifts of joy and happiness, bringing with an air of magic in your life. It’s a symbol of good things!
When your spirit animal is the hummingbird, you share its traits of being small but strong. You are also courageous, determined, flexible, and adaptable.
You strive to create peace when there’s no peace to be found, and you are careful to protect and remain within your boundaries.
You possess great courage and resilience, and you are tireless in your pursuit of a good and happy life.
You are loyal and affectionate, sincere and energetic, and playful and happy. Just like your hummingbird totem, you can accomplish the impossible while having a great time doing it!
Negative Traits of the Hummingbird Spirit Animal
The hummingbird spirit animal can fly backwards. Symbolically, it shows you can look back at your past and revisit it from time to time, but without living in it or dwelling in it too much.
The meaning of the hummingbird also speaks of emotional instability, because you shift rapidly from one emotion to the next with no warning.
It seems like a tireless bird with plenty of energy, but it does get tired and burnt out, too.
The hummingbird spirit animal burns a lot of energy when in flight, so it forages for food constantly. Remember to rest often and allow your body to recharge.
Feed yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. The hummingbird symbolism is a reminder on how you should expend your energy without harming yourself.
There will be plenty of flighty thoughts and frivolous ideas when it comes to the hummingbird. Be mindful of these things for they may take away your focus on the things that truly matter.
Call on your Hummingbird Spirit Animal when:
You need your moods to be lifted.
The hummingbird can instill joy and happiness in your life. The presence of the hummingbird totem is like a ray of sunshine on a rainy day.
You need to have a more optimistic outlook in life.
Find your way out of the dark by taking to heart what your hummingbird totem wants to tell you. When the negativity seems too much, release it all and let the positive energies in.
You need more joy and enthusiasm in your life.
Increase the happiness in your life and find ways to let joy in. There are so many ways, if you will just open your eyes and see!
5 Unusual Facts About Hummingbird Symbolism
Hummingbird symbolism can certainly be far more productive and positive than you would perhaps give it credit for, but it all depends on the way in which you can apply the different aspects that apply to you.
Of course, you do need to know what it focuses on in the first place which is why it can be important to look at several key facts surrounding this particular spirit animal.
1. It represents being happy with life.
The first thing to mention is that the hummingbird spirit animal represents the idea of you being more than happy with life at this moment in time.
There are many areas where this can apply, but the main thing is that you have a sense of contentment surrounding you that may not have always been there.
2. It linked to love and the wonders of life.
There is a lightness surrounding hummingbird symbolism and it is linked to you feeling light when you are in love, so if the spirit animal appears then it could signify that you will be entering into that phase in your life soon.
It will also look at you being left amazed by the wonders of life and marvel at nature that surrounds you.
3. It symbolises being in the present moment.
Hummingbird symbolism is also directly linked to the idea of you being present in the moment. You should not sit there and worry about the past or stress about the future.
Instead, you need to enjoy what is happening as of this very minute to then make sure that you get the absolute maximum enjoyment out of it wherever you can.
4. You are resilient and free.
The hummingbird spirit animal is also going to let you see that you are free as both a human as well as a spirit, and you need to try to make the most of that in your life.
Also, you are resilient and capable of putting up with so much if you are only willing to tackle whatever life throws at you and do it with a smile on your face.
5. Show your loved ones that you care.
Finally, hummingbird symbolism is also closely related to the idea of letting your loved ones know that you do indeed care about them.
Don’t wait until something bad has happened, but rather you have to stress this as soon as possible.
This is to hopefully provide them with the same light feeling that you have experienced when you are in love as it is certainly something that is worth sharing.
Overall, hummingbird symbolism is all about not being surrounded by negative energy and looking to build on what you have and being quite content with everything in your surroundings.
This may not be easy at first, but the hummingbird spirit animal is there to guide you and to force you into looking at things at this exact moment in time.
If you can turn your attention to it in that way, then your future will indeed look significantly brighter.
My final thoughts on the Hummingbird Spirit Animal and its Symbolism
The hummingbird meaning is about movement, and how with skillful maneuvering and a little bit of magic, you can achieve even the impossible.
Be tenacious in pursuing your dreams, and never back down!
Go on big and exciting adventures, love like you’ve never loved before, and be completely immersed in new experiences. Whatever it is you decide to do, always look up and move forward!
I think I’d like to be a little of each actually. I choose all three as my spirit animal. Its my story damn it and Ill decide my spirit animal. I think I need someone to draw me a morph of all three and hav it painted to put on my wall and display for the world to see!
11 AM to 12:30 PM Team Building with Troy
Troy comes up with the absolute coolest stuff to do. I swear. So today it’s a game and we’re playing it all against each other in groups.
The story is we are all in a plane crash in Northern California it’s 20° wearing clothes we would be in if we were in Phoenix. We are near a river. we must choose five items out of 11 items. And you have to choose these items based on how you think you will survive.
A pistol which is worth four points
A tarp which is worth eight
Steel wool which is worth 11 points
A lighter which is worth 12 points
And a set of clothes is worth 10 points
We got a total of 45 points we were second place
So here is the real exercise:
Team Building Exercise – Airplane Crash Survival EXPLANATION Mid-January is the coldest time of year in Northern Canada. The first problem the survivors face is the preservation of body heat and the protection against its loss. This problem can be solved by building a fire, minimizing movement and exertion, using as much insulation as possible, and constructing a shelter. The participants have just crash-landed. Many individuals tend to overlook the enormous shock reaction this has on the human body and the deaths of the pilot and co-pilot increases the shock. Decision-making under such circumstances is extremely difficult. Such a situation requires a strong emphasis on the use of reasoning for making decisions and for reducing fear and panic. Shock would be shown in the survivors by feelings of helplessness, loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. These feelings have brought about more fatalities than perhaps any other cause in survival situations. Certainly the state of shock means the movement of the survivors should be at a minimum, and that an attempt to calm them should be made. Before taking off, a pilot has to file a flight plan which contains vital information such as the course, speed, estimated time of arrival, type of aircraft, and number of passengers. Search-and-rescue operations begin shortly after the failure of a plane to appear at its destination at the estimated time of arrival. The 20 miles to the nearest town is a long walk under even ideal conditions, particularly if one is not used to walking such distances. In this situation, the walk is even more difficult due to shock, snow, dress, and water barriers. It would mean almost certain death from freezing and exhaustion. At temperatures of minus 25 to minus 40, the loss of body heat through exertion is a very serious matter. Once the survivors have found ways to keep warm, their next task is to attract the attention of search planes. Thus, all the items the group has salvaged must be assessed for their value in signaling the group’s whereabouts. The ranking of the survivors items was made by Mark Wanvig, a former instructor in survival training for the Reconnaissance School of the 101st Division of the U.S. Army. Mr. Wanvig currently conducts wilderness survival training programs in the Minneapolis, Minnesota area. This survival simulation game is used in military training classrooms. Answer: RANKINGS
Cigarette lighter (without fluid). The gravest danger facing the group is exposure to cold. The greatest need is for a source of warmth and the second greatest need is for signaling devices. This makes building a fire the first order of business. Without matches, something is needed to produce sparks, and even without fluid, a cigarette lighter can do that.
Ball of steel wool. To make a fire, the survivors need a means of catching he sparks made by the cigarette lighter. This is the best substance for catching a spark and supporting a flame, even if the steel wool is a little wet.
Extra shirt and pants for each survivor Besides adding warmth to the body, clothes can also be used for shelter, signaling, bedding, bandages, string (when unraveled), and fuel for the fire.
Can of Crisco shortening. This has many uses. A mirror-like signaling device can be made from the lid. After shining the lid with steel wool, it will reflect sunlight and generate 5 to 7 million candlepower. This is bright enough to be seen beyond the horizon. While this could be limited somewhat by the trees, a member of the group could climb a tree and use the mirrored lid to signal search planes. If they had no other means of signaling than this, they would have a better than 80% chance of being rescued within the first day. There are other uses for this item. It can be rubbed on exposed skin for protection against the cold. When melted into oil, the shortening is helpful as fuel. When soaked into a piece of cloth, melted shortening will act like a candle. The empty can is useful in melting snow for drinking water. It is much safer to drink warmed water than to eat snow, since warm water will help retain body heat. Water is important because dehydration will affect decision-making. The can is also useful as a cup.
20 x 20 foot piece of canvas The cold makes shelter necessary, and canvas would protect against wind and snow (canvas is used in making tents). Spread on a frame made of trees, it could be used as a tent or a wind screen. It might also be used as a ground cover to keep the survivors dry. Its shape, when contrasted with the surrounding terrain, makes it a signaling device.
Small ax Survivors need a constant supply of wood in order to maintain the fire. The ax could be used for this as well as for clearing a sheltered campsite, cutting tree branches for ground insulation, and constructing a frame for the canvas tent.
Family size chocolate bars (one per person) Chocolate will provide some food energy. Since it contains mostly carbohydrates, it supplies the energy without making digestive demands on the body.
Newspapers (one per person) These are useful in starting a fire. They can also be used as insulation under clothing when rolled up and placed around a person’s arms and legs. A newspaper can also be used as a verbal signaling device when rolled up in a megaphone-shape. It could also provide reading material for recreation.
Loaded .45-caliber pistol. The pistol provides a sound-signaling device. (The international distress signal is 3 shots fired in rapid succession). There have been numerous cases of survivors going undetected because they were too weak to make a loud enough noise to attract attention. The butt of the pistol could be used as a hammer, and the powder from the shells will assist in fire building. By placing a small bit of cloth in a cartridge emptied of its bullet, one can start a fire by firing the gun at dry wood on the ground. The pistol also has some serious disadvantages. Anger, frustration, impatience, irritability, and lapses of rationality may increase as the group awaits rescue. The availability of a lethal weapon is a danger to the group under these conditions. Although a pistol could be used in hunting, it would take an expert marksman to kill an animal with it. Then the animal would have to be transported to the crash site, which could prove difficult to impossible depending on its size.
Quart of 100 proof whiskey. The only uses of whiskey are as an aid in fire building and as a fuel for a torch (made by soaking a piece of clothing in the whiskey and attaching it to a tree branch). The empty bottle could be used for storing water. The danger of whiskey is that someone might drink it, thinking it would bring warmth. Alcohol takes on the temperature it is exposed to, and a drink of minus 30 degrees Fahrenheit whiskey would freeze a person’s esophagus and stomach. Alcohol also dilates the blood vessels in the skin, resulting in chilled blood belong carried back to the heart, resulting in a rapid loss of body heat. Thus, a drunken person is more likely to get hypothermia than a sober person is.
Compass. Because a compass might encourage someone to try to walk to the nearest town, it is a dangerous item. Its only redeeming feature is that it could be used as a reflector of sunlight (due to its glass top).
Sectional air map made of plastic. This is also among the least desirable of the items because it will encourage individuals to try to walk to the nearest town. It’s only useful feature is as a ground cover to keep someone dry. How to score: Each team should list its top 5 choices in order prior to seeing the answer sheet. To award points, look at the ranking numbers on this answer sheet. Award points to each team’s top choices according to the numbers here. For example, the map would earn 12 points, while the steel wool would earn 2 points. Lowest score wins (and survives).
12 Noon to 4:30 PM Memorial Day Barbecue
So much fun! It was nice to have some fun! But the guys and the girls got to hang out together with the boys! So much great food laughs and a lot of fun!
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional” – Kathleen Casey Thiesen
My Daily Focus
How am I feeling mentally?
I’m Sad to leave
How am I feeling physically?
Well I suppose OK I didn’t sleep too good
How am I feeling spiritually?
I’m connected so I have to leave everything up to God
What are my goals for the day?
Getting loose ends tied that’s really my goal
Avni, Lorenzo, Aidan, and Greg you guys will be missed
Just for Today
May 31Basic Text, p. 99
Keep it simple
“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment. When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably.”
Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us who’ve dodged it for so long. When we stopped using drugs, many of us came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming. We think that maybe we can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. These thoughts feed themselves, and pretty soon we’re paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life.
Happily, we don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so we take them one at a time. We take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. We learn to stay clean just for today, and we approach our problems the same way. When we live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect. One breath at a time, we can stay clean and learn to live.
Just for today: I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.
I gave everything to God last night in my prayers and hoping it will be OK. Yet, at the same time “it is what it is“ and “it is gods well“ “God has a plan and just go with it“ doesn’t mean I’m not nervous about it. Yeah, it will all turn out the way it’s supposed to be! I actually slept and woke up at 5:05 AM with an alarm. I felt amazing to sleep so long! Maybe because I’ve given everything to God! Maybe I just relax because I’m getting ready for my next adventure!
9 to 10 AM healthy relationships with Kendra
“Addressing common barriers to working relationships and addiction recovery“
We did worksheets in class about repairing relationships. I’m anxious as I still need to speak with Kendra. Almost to the point of not breathing correctly! Sadness is overwhelming so we’re bad thoughts that I am stuck my heart is up in the air about decisions!
10:15 AM to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra
Just was told I have no place to go but Mike was given all the places so I will find out but I will I’m definitely leaving! Dear God, I live in your hands. What will be! I have faith in you. I trust your decision. The first the love of my husband to do what is best for me. I know he loves me, he may not be in love with me but he wants what is best for me. So do you God. I love my family. I love you God. Make all the stress vanished so I can Concentrate on this fun day with my certificate and card! Smile for me as what I need right now! Thank you God!
45 day certificate
Lorenzo said “keep your vibrant self. Find the calm and tranquility of your true self“
Jessica said “sober sisters – we will be women who lunch we will be friends forever“
John C said “I want only the best for you, take it one day at a time.“
Treyson said I love you. You have truly been here for me! You will be missed I wish you all the luck in life. Thank you! We really had some personal moments and therapy“
Dida said “I don’t know you I wish you luck” what can I say she’s only been here a couple days
Stephen said “we will be great friends even . though I’ve only known you for a brief time. Practice mindfulness be mindful don’t dwell on the past stay in the moment.”
Cindy said I love you you will be missed hanging out with you has been wonderful”
Kendra said “you have grown so much! Be true to yourself, I care for you. If you do that you can care for those you love even better.”
And just like that I got my coin and my certificate in my primary therapy group I’m gonna miss them all so very much. I know in the beginning it was tough with all the arguing and animosity. But that’s part of growth we all grew together and we all learn from our mistakes and we all talked it out. I’m gonna miss these group sessions especially Kendra.￼
My gabapentin and hydroxyzine is working overtime today! I think that it’s best for right now. I’m out and in, in my body, thoughts, etc. I feel loopy but it’s great no stress! No stressing as to where I’m going.
End leave at Lowes
Go to lowe’s/lowes.com – transfer
Get stuff out of my locker at Lowe’s
Change my mailing address
Order from Instacart pens a journal and a planner so I can continue writing and keep track of my day since I don’t know where I’m going but I’m sure I’m going to have to have plans and jot them all down
Get shoelaces out of the shoes and bleach
Make my brownies before I leave
Get car insurance quotes so I can have the car when I’m in Scottsdale
Call the auction house
Call Avana in Tempe
Sign up for classes at Scottsdale community College
Transfer money to Chase card so there is money for incidentals, Since Mike isn’t speaking to me
Pay on the Lowe’s credit card
Pay on the PayPal credit card
1 PM Meeting with My Case Manager Jess
Spoke about (finally) where I’m going. I am going to Camelback recovery and IOP. He will not however right now because give me the car because he apparently believes I will drink but I won’t – since they check/UA and breathalyzer. Seriously, and I don’t want to drink. I wish I could just tell him that. Like he doesn’t know what happened destroyed me on the inside I never want to drink again. Well just so over him dictating and controlling my every move she thinks he’s bipolar. By the way he acts and he talks. She thinks he abuses me. He’s too controlling she said she goes maybe that’s where your low self-esteem comes from. I had her listen to the voicemails that I have on my phone that he’s left me and how sweet and wonderful he was. Anyways I’m going to rent a car to get down there and pick up auction things and get to storage unit. I think he’s just being a little ridiculous, in fact he hasn’t stop being ridiculous. He’s really making me pay for this. I don’t think he loves me anymore.
2PM to 3:30 PM Relapse Prevention
I am so excited it’s my time! Kendra never even marked up my relapse prevention plan as if was incredibly thorough! She did want me to add Mike And to repair me plan to it. I read it in front of everyone and there are only one standard comment my “catastrophize Ing“ I did mention that and personalizing in it my relapse prevention plan, but I do generally do this since I’ve entered the shit show I’ve created. It sucks to be me!I am so excited it’s my time! It sucks to be me! well it takes two to tango and Mike is not innocent bystander by any means in fat he hasn’t helped me and has made everything much more difficult! He acts as if this ROI is his personal marital specialist. An ROI has to do with HIPAA and my well-being not his dictating my every move.
All right back to relapse prevention plan it went well this is my last and final class at Decision Point. I had everyone sign my card and in my journal and get some numbers as well. Then Avni Lorenzo and I walked back to the center one last time together.
It was a pretty boring night it was bittersweet as everyone was really tired and we all just kind of lounge around and then went to bed but it was nice to hang out with my girls!
well I’m not sure I got this last work sheet set but it says 531 so I’m gonna add it to the bottom well I’m not sure I got this last work sheet set but it says 531 so I’m gonna add it to the bottom
OK ready to start the day and sweet Jesus drive a car!
How am I feeling spiritually?
I’m not as connected as I should be today.
What are my goals for the day?
A lot of getting things done. But some of that is shopping and I love to shop.
Mike and Connor – my loves
Just for today – June 4
“Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others.” Basic Text, p. 16
Spreading gossip feeds a dark hunger in us. Sometimes we think the only way we can feel good about ourselves is to make someone else look bad by comparison. But the kind of self-esteem that can be purchased at another’s expense is hollow and not worth the price.
How, then, do we deal with our negative sense of self? Simple. We replace it with a positive concern for others. Rather than dwell on our low self-esteem, we turn to those around us and seek to be of service to them. This may seem to be a way of avoiding the issue, but it’s not. There’s nothing we can do by dwelling on our low sense of self except work ourselves into a stew of self-pity. But by replacing our self-pity with active, loving concern for others, we become the kind of people we can respect.
The way to build our self-esteem is not to tear others down, but to build them up through love and positive concern. To help us with this, we can ask ourselves if we are contributing to the problem or to the solution. Today, we can choose to build instead of destroy.
Just for today: Though I may be feeling low, I don’t need to tear someone down to build myself up. Today, I will replace my negative sense of self with a positive concern for others. I will build, not destroy.
Slept six hours. So I haven’t written for a minute, not that I haven’t had a lot to say, but I was trying to get a lot complicated in a small period of time/window of opportunity that is. So I need to go back to getting to the last part. I was trying to get to Delaney’s auction house after I picked up the rental car, but put in 360 Osborn and not 3600 Osborn two totally different places in the greater Phoenix area. Like I said before this was West Phoenix where I wanted to be and I was somewhere in the middle of driving around in circles. The gentleman I spoke to there said he would wait after hours, but it was too late he had already left by the time I made it there and my phone was dead. I bought a charger from a very scary place, but I made it through OK. Most expensive charger cord in the world I might add! Starburst and a charger and an outlet cigarette adapter was $37 and change. I had to pay or I would not have known how to get back to sober living. Once I got my phone charged enough I had a text from Mercedes one of the House manager‘sThe gentleman I spoke to there said he would wait after hours, but it was too late he had already left by the time I made it there and my phone was dead. I bought a charger from a very scary place, but I made it through OK. Most expensive charger cord in the world I might add! Starburst and a charger and an outlet cigarette adapter was $37 and change. I had to pay or I would not have known how to get back to sober living. Once I got my phone charged enough I had a text from Mercedes one of the House Manager’s telling me to get home as I needed to be there to get a call from Nina, House Manager of all House Manager‘s, as there was a problem. Let me pre-face to say, this is not a short story and I need to start from the beginning.
When I started my adventure yesterday. While doing my online rental reservation for enterprise Rent-A-Car I did it at noon. However, there was a meeting, called “The Four Agreements” (very good book by the way) and it is a house AA meeting (all house – men and woman) at a restaurant nearby at 1 PM. Mercedes graciously offered to take me to the rental car place after the meeting. We stopped and got cigarettes and drove over to enterprise. I waited in line for a moment before I was helped by a man named Devon parentheses more like (a boy/younger man) of whom which was helping me. I said I had a reservation and showed him my phone and gave him my drivers license and credit card. For all purposes that being the regular drill when you rent a car, that is. However, not in may case, not today anyways. To which Devon said I didn’t have a reservation. I showed him the phone and he looked at me strangely. He then said you were/are late to your reservation and that he added if I minded walking stepping outside to chitchat for a moment. Now I will have to say as of lately I’m not finding too many things odd since I have found my life in general in uncharted waters. Let’s face it, my life seems like a shit show lately. Well nothing seems to shock me, or is any stranger than that of which I’ve lived these past 40 plus days. However, I’m about to have a conversation, I likely never expected to have. So, he takes me to the front of/outside/to the side of the entrance of Enterprise. He proceeds to ask me if “I’m OK“, “if I’m in any trouble“. I’m sure I have a perfect look like what the fuck is happening on my face. I say I’m fine. I’m not sure what came out of my mouth after that… What came out of his mouth, yet was something I did not expect… “I know you’re in a treatment at a Treatment Center.” At this point either this guy psychic or what I don’t… I have no idea what’s going on… Yes, my life in general, but… what the fuck are more of my thoughts. Then I say the first thought that comes to my mouth… “My drivers license is just fine”, following the thoughts how the hell does this guy know that and why does it matter when I’m driving a rental car? If I can rent a car…I have a license, huh? Then the next words that came out of Devon‘s mouth was “I spoke to your husband”. My mouth/jaw dropped completely I think I even had to pick it up off the cement sidewalk. Apparently, because I was late to my reservation and he dialed the wrong number not being able to get a hold of me. He called Mike whom informed him I was in a treatment center for addiction and obviously was only concerned I was going to drive to home or possibly Mike’s on the she’s on a “kill myself“ idea. I believe the latter. That’s almost about the time I cried out “I’ve been foiled.“ But no… I got the rental car if only for 36 hours.
Once I got back to the sober living house I was told Mike had stipulations on driving which was no driving and only to do IOP relax and work on myself. why wasn’t I told this before when it was the hard lines they were explaining to me. So I have to spend money here to take lifts and to go shopping and buy myself food I want to eat he’s not giving me any money I can work but I can’t spend any money I can’t do anything or go anywhere or go to the AA meetings without the Lyft or transportation for that matter. So I’m just supposed to sit do nothing unless I’m working and contemplate… However healthy Mike seems to think that sounds I’m a bit concerned. Nonetheless, there is so many things like a psychiatrist therapist a new primary physician. I need to look for an apartment. I mean I almost leave in 30 days – and I’m supposed to relax? I don’t know why but my anxiety is kicking in right now.
So I got the storage unit, I picked up my auction items and went shopping! Shopping on Thursday was so much fun! I had a blast! Macy’s, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, Forever 21, I got a Pinkberry with fruity Pebbles, and Taco Bell Mexican pizza! I was free! It felt so good to just be dash drive a car with windows down smoking an incredibly loud music! Just me! But that came to an end when I return the car back. Oddly enough Devon was there – he knew and nodded I wonder if he called Mike?
We had our mandatory zoom meeting on Friday night at 5 PM Mercedes made an awesome taco dinner Kearny Asada, beans, rice! It was awesome! Then just chilled in my room. I have the “teal room“ and I do not have a roommate so it’s really nice! To have my own bedroom is like a dream come true and it’s a queen size bed so that’s amazing!
I think I slept but maybe only a little bit cut me off my drunken haze all I can remember is that I slap my son don’t do a huge argument with my husband tried to run away from the police and was arrested.I was in a jail cell with three other women I’ll talking amongst themselves. The sheriff came over and had asked if anybody wanted breakfast. The two young girls I actually asked what was for breakfast I pulled the blanket over my head and the sheriff replied it’s delicious I think you’ll like it. I thought for sure the two young girls were going to say something like oh I have my eggs over medium and extra toasted sourdough. But now think it was a peanut butter jelly sandwich and a granola bar. I wasn’t hungry I didn’t care. Shortly after we were told we were getting ready to move. I was a bit discouraged because I knew we were going to camp Verde jail which was two hours away and I did not know how he’s going to get home. I thought well maybe Mike will pick me up this is before I knew I couldn’t talk to my family again. We were exited out of our jail cell and this part is important because it’s the first time in my life I’ve been asked to stand and I was shackled. Yes shackled. Then we were marched like a chain gang into a transport vehicle. No seatbelts all metal every stop every turn you jarred forward or back or slid from side to side there’s two of us on one side and two of us on the other.
I may not beable to place those two young girls faces, but I will never forget there stories as it was their 1st arrest and for about 8 hours they went on and on about their arrests. Pondering all the what ifs’ and were they really going to be in that much trouble. Me and the other lady were about the same age and just paced opposites sides of the jail cell. at some point we were told to change out of our super cute red outfit into a snazzy orange number. Thats when I sat and turned to her and told her that orange was a good color on you. she laughed, and told me she rerally needed a compliment. Web both smiled. It turns out Alberta and I were incarceated for the same charges although we never discussed them. The reason why I mention this is that Alberta did the kindest of acts. After our release she said her son was picking her up and she would head to Phoenix as she had a condo their. Meanwhile, I am barefoot, no p[urse, no money, and no cellphone and was told I can not contact Mike. I was literally stranded 2 hours away. Before she left with her son she asked if I needed anything and I said a bottle of water (very large), a pack of smokes, and a lighter. I scoffed off my request as I didnt think she would come back. She did. She brought me all I asked for and then handed me one hundred dollars so I could get near my home to pick up the truck and clothes and head to a hotel (motel actually).
What did I do for eight days. Every day seems like a distant memory. A horrible feeling from the time you woke up to the time you fell asleep. The only thing was I didn’t sleep. One things for sure I hadn’t stopped drinking yet. But it wasn’t that fun or what I thought was fun kind of buzzed feeling. It was despair at this point I was drinking, I was drinking just a drink. There is no oh I’m almost there at that feels fantastic. The constant gloomOr Hayes rather. The week was a haze.
I went to work on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday I took Thursday and Friday off and put my leave of absence in from that following Monday. I waited all week for Mike to serve me with divorce papers restraining orders whatever. I spent Easter drunk all day I would pass out I would wake back up and I would get drunk again. I had never drink like that ever. But one thing was damn sure make assumed I drink that way so God dammit I was gonna do it it was the most miserable Easter I’ve ever had. I would’ve done anything to talk to Mike have a complete utter argument but now I was left to my own devices from April 10 to the 17th.
When I went to work no one knew I had conversations I smiled I talked I laughed I told everybody hello asked how everybody’s day was, but no one knew. Every time I would walk down an aisle by myself and there was no one there I could let myself feel. The guilt the overwhelming it just rushed over me. I wanted to run down those isles but I didn’t I succumb to that feeling.I was in despair I was in the unknowing. I know I had the arraignment on Tuesday, but I thought I’d see Mike there. He wasn’t there. I was all alone being told by a judge that I can’t see my family. On April 12 after the arraignment I did talk to Mike. He was very reserved you could tell he was sad he didn’t know what to do he was in despair as well. That’s what I was told a divorce was eminent. I was going to happen. That I couldn’t see Connor I was devastated. At that moment I knew that I had just lost the love of my life am I beautiful son. There’s a sadness I can’t explain I hopelessness that added to the despair. So yes I didn’t stop drinking I did call different rehabs drunk in the afternoon when I got home from work. That’s when I found Decision Point I picked it for its name. I had made a decision I may not have been ready right then to commit I should have but I wasn’t. I know I still had to go to work I know I had to admit for the first time to somebody that I was an alcoholic and that somebody wasn’t even my family it was Lynn from HR at Lowe’s. I dotted all my dots so I thought And crossed all my teas – to the best of my ability. I was entering the unknown a forever change of life a change of lifestyle and a change of people who are in my life.
Shannon Coon <firstname.lastname@example.org>
To:Michael Coon,IloveMike Coon
Thu, Apr 14 at 2:38 PM
I removed the Amazon app from my phone entirely, so there is no worry of “more shit mom ordered from Amazon that I paid for… that’s going back”. Thank you for removing me from the Arlo. Every time I got a notification, my heart sank, and I couldn’t breathe. So I took that app off as well. I won’t have access to my phone as often, so email me with the ones you need if there are any passwords. However, you probably don’t.
There is something important I must tell you, and you will be furious. I was still in flight or flight when I arrived at Motel 6. The police were there arresting people. The officers at the civil stand-by asked me not to stay there. I was not okay, I didn’t feel safe, I was confused, and sleep deprieved. I opened a credit card. Please do not call the police and have me arrested. I want to get help and fix what I broke. Sitting in a jail cell will not get me the help I need. After a few hours of sleep, reality set in, I canceled the Best Western, but there was a cancellation fee.
I have paid for the Motel 6 myself with money in my bank account. Almost $800.00 to stay at Motel 6 for eight nights. When I complete rehabilitation, I will pay you for my incurred fee. I am just running out of money as I needed to buy some toiletries, clothes, shower shoes, hiking shoes, and enough cigarettes to last during my stay. I don’t want to Fraud to my already four misdemeanors and over $12,000 in fines and penalties. I am sorry for so many things and added my better lack of judgment to that list.
Hopefully, I will get a court-approved attorney. Then, I will not be shackled and sent to jail in Camp Verde again, as long as I obey the law. I am wrapping up loose ends at the Library today and tomorrow. I prefer to be served the divorce papers at the Motel to concentrate on getting my much-needed help. I am in room 217 at Motel 6.
I need a few things from the house before I enter the facility. These are things I do not feel buying more of is conducive to. Mainly because I have plenty of articles of clothing in the closet. I don’t want to be a burden, more so than I have been. I prefer not to involve any friends because my alcohol binging, domestic violence charges, and divorce are my business to take care of. Mine alone to fix, make right, and deal with. I love you both so much, and I shattered us. I know this. I don’t think any more humiliation will be helpful in the healing process. I will itemize what I predict I will need. I can leave the Motel, and you can leave it at the front desk? You tell me the best way you want to handle it.
Both very dark blue pairs of jeans (one almost looks black)and a belt
The black pair of jeans
Five pairs of shorts
All of my workout clothes (there will be a lot of exercising and hiking as part of the process at this facility). They are located after sweat pants.
The Carhart sweatshirt
A few shirts (not T-shirts, please)
Orange Converse ( I could only find one and need the mate)
Six pairs of underwear
The pink mini facial shaver in the medicine cabinet (the second shelf is battery operated)
My estrogen cream (please bring one from the linen closet, so it has a prescription label)
One very large makeup bag from the underneath sink
My watch charger plugged in at catch-all.
Title to Dodge so I can sign it, and I will leave in the Beast it for you
The Lace Pink Dress, and the Calvin Klien heals you bought me (for Court)
Lastly, the iPod you bought me, I believe it is on top of a tote on the second shelving unit in the black bag; if not, grab my old phone, and I will download motivational and healing podcasts from that to listen to
I think that is everything I will need.
When I figure out the address, you can pick the truck up. There will be items in it I can not have. For example, Tylenol PM, my perfume, tweezers, a computer, some jewelry, a letter that needs to be mailed. I will handle the Alberta letter when I am released, and you can place it in my moving boxes.
I will not text you or call you again. I will only from now on respond to your emails, if any. I will delete all correspondence off my phone, as well.
Mike, you are not the enabler. I bought the Vodka last Tuesday with my own money, knowing full well I would get caught. I was angry at the time of purchase which is no excuse. You are a wonderful man and do not deserve me as your wife or even to be Connor’s Mom. Thank you for the beautiful things and life you gave me. Maybe one day when you are, or perhaps never really, we can talk, and I can tell you why I drink and why to excess. You deserve to know.
I am beyond sad and think about you both all of the time, and I always will with great regret.
Ps. Please do not have me arrested. I do want to be the person you wanted to spend your life with.