Day 47 June 4, 2022

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you out there.” – Rumi

Today I did one of my (actually three) of my sober bucket list item/s.

  1. New belly ring in (hole was still there)
  2. Got my nipples pierced
  3. Acrylic nails back on

Wow! I love my nipples they look amazing! I even got the matching aurora stone for my belly button as well! Sexy as fuck! If Mike could see me now!

My stress level is hit the roof and my anxiety was over the top with all I needed to do but Lizzie the House manager hang out with me and we swam in the pool the whole rest of the day and had roasted veggies – Yum!

I got to Tracie on the phone. Poor thing is sick again she’s now in quarantine at Decision Point and no one can talk to her/see her. They put her all by her self in Avni’s old apartment and she is zooming all of the meetings and classes. I hope Tracie feels better she was like hell yeah when I told her about my nipple piercings! She made me send a picture! She’s so funny!

Mercedes, Lizzie, and I were talking about churches and tomorrow after deep clean and morning house meeting we are going to check out this really cool church with crystals and stuff… I am super excited! Mike would’ve hated it and teased me the whole time!

Well, I’m getting ready for bed and won’t forget to write tomorrow.

July 1, 2022 Email Sent to My Husband

My forever love,

I love you. I always have. That will never change.  Good, bad, and ugly. It’s always been you.

I’d like to preface, that this letter is coming from the heart and not from some obligation to step work.  That will come. I just wanted to tell you a few things. I listen to your voicemail over and over and over again the one that says I just like talking to you.  I miss telling you everything. I know longer have that right anymore.

I guess I never really thought of it as a trust thing you’re not allowing me to drive a car. I saw it as a I can’t get what you want done without physically going and seeing properties. I also need to go to Lowe’s in Scottsdale. Yet, it ended up being phone calls that I had to make and not actually going to a Lowe’s Scottsdale store.  Had I any idea I would end up in a mental institution for renting a car? Homeless? FUCK NO.    I really don’t remember much except for crying profusely for hours, a mental break, a psychiatrist, and the words your husband does not love you, before they admitted me. I can’t change the past, if I could… I would go back further.  I got the medication I needed! I slept for 2 1/2 days straight I only got up to eat. So that’s a good thing I don’t know.  I have never just slept like that.  My brain needed it. 

This is really hard, before you say “I know it is really hard,” you haven’t any idea.  I wish you were wish you were right and I had relapsed. However, that is the furthest from the truth.  Everything always looks above board because I never let anybody see anything else.  I can’t imagine you both seeing me like that.  I know that you have told several people that you don’t understand and I should’ve just quit, if it only been that easy. I would’ve made that choice first I rather then the choice I made. I didn’t realize how angry, depressed and an alcoholic I truly had become.  I am okay, now, not drinking and with proper medication.  I can actually see who I was and that scares me.    I know it scared you too.  My depression isn’t bad anymore it’s normal levels, and I am not angry.  . My mind is no longer stuck on a fast forward continual loop. I couldn’t ever see that before.

Yes, there are a slew of things I told myself in order to not have an addiction problem and a whole slew of things I covered up.  I know you always be furious at me.  I know I will never be forgiven, nor do I ask for your forgiveness.  I know you’re keeping me from going to Prescott on the Fourth of July, besides that you’ve had to scrape me up off the floor every Fourth of July so I get it, I understand and I agree with.  I’m just trying to figure everything out one step at a Time for a change. I no longer have to put the cart before the horse or vice versa.

Divorce! That’s a hard pill to swallow. I never thought that I would ever get divorced, not from you.  Yet I am.  I know I’m the catalyst.  Everything seems so surreal to me.  I lost my my son. I’ve lost my husband. I’ve lost all my friends. I lost my self-respect.  I have no respect. All I have is a red suitcase with some clothes.  No I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m just stating the facts. I owe so much to you and you helping me, while you did. You’re having to do this all alone. You’re having to do all of this for yourself and for Connor. I am so sorry I’ve devastated our family.  What you both are going through.  It seems weird to be doing all this alone.  It’s like I’m still in fight or flight mode. I’m sure you aren’t though.  Going to go pick up my medication’s hopefully today. I know you’re busy and I have to get ready have a wonderful Fourth of July and a great time at camp. You don’t have to worry about me I know my place.  I love you. I know Connor doesn’t wanna hear it at all not for me but please tell him that you love him.

Shannon

PS. I was going to try for another community management position but I can’t do so until I have a car. I can’t pick up my medication’s. I can’t do a lot of things Mike I know you don’t want me to rely on you but there’s certain things that I have to please help me.

Sent from my iPhone

July 16, 2022 Letter for Response Petition to Dissolution

July 16, 2022

To whom it may concern,

Due to extenuating circumstances (car, funds for both travel and attorney), I hope this letter finds the court within my 20 day time frame. I would like to tell the court that I love my husband and my son more than this world. I take my recovery from alcoholism seriously. I have completed a 45 day treatment program for alcohol and anxiety at Decision point in Prescott.  I am in Sober Living in Mesa at Spero House and I am doing amazing.  I have a Sponsor and am working my steps.  I am in a 90 day IOP program at The River Source Recovery in Mesa, of which I will pay for.  This includes therapy, as well, on top of what I am asking.  I have transferred from Prescott Home Improvement Lowes to Mesa Lowes Home Improvement and will start very soon.  That said I will continue to make my restitution fees, begin domestic violence classes and anger management (as soon as first paycheck).  No monetary value I am asking for will pay any of the court restitution nor classes. I am and will continue to thrive living in the here and now.  I feel the way I want to feel.   I act the way I want to act.  I look and dress the way I want to feel being the person I am meant to be. I would love nothing more than to have a chance.  I love my husband and I will fight for our family and our marriage, no matter the present outcome.

 I am having a hard time losing my best friend of 22 years and my son.  I would never nor have I broken the court order; I am not nor have I been an abusive predator.  Everything in my life was so secretive.     Today is 90 days without drinking.  I feel great, I look better.  I am different than I was the last 2 years; even more so in my life.  I am the person I was when he fell in love with me, but better.  I would like the chance to date him again. I want to see my son.  I want to show them both happiness and fulfilment, my purpose.  I am very driven to my purpose.

My beautiful gorgeous son, my light.  He needs to see me being amazing and not this shell of an isolated binge drinker.  I want them both to see me and how healthy my mind is.  Therapy and counseling may not help; if even after a few months it does not than I agree it is time to move on.

That said I am willing to negotiate terms of spousal support and other requests if “other orders I am requesting” can be met. 

Summary of what I want regarding spousal maintenance that is different from what my spouse asked for in the petition.

I am asking $2,000.00 dollars a month for a duration of ten (10) years 19 years of marriage (including the domestic partnership we entered while dating).  In addition to monetary spousal support, one (1) year medical insurance coverage; Toyota Camry and six (6) months of Vehicle insurance coverage; $8,000.00 to purchase new furniture; Movers to move belongings to storage facility and storage unit paid for one (1) year; hormonal Pellet injection paid for one (1) year; and all credit card debt paid in full. 

Other orders I am requesting.

Removal of Order of Protection. Conciliation and mediation. One (1) year of counseling together, one (1) year of individual therapy, and one (1) year of family therapy

I truly believe given the chance and opportunity we can continue as a wonderful family unit as we had been in the past. I believe this relationship can be salvaged if given the chance as well.

Sincerely,

Shannon M. Coon

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Day 45 June 1, 2022

Slept six hours I slept off and on last night I kept waking up I think I had bad dreams, But with the trazodone I can’t tell whether I dream or not. I just felt like I had nightmares! Ran downstairs and got my phone at 5:30 AM. I have my phone until 630 and I’m gonna plug away at the computer. I still have more to do and will get that accomplished soon.I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that. I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that.

How am I feeling mentally?

stressed out, but excited

How am I feeling physically?

restlessmess

How am I feeling spiritually?

I keep praying

What are my goals for the day?

follow my exit list I made

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mike for this next step in recovery

Each Day A New Beginning

Daily Meditation Guide for Woman

By Karen Casey

“One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach; one can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few.“ – And Morrow Lindbergh

Being selective and choosing activities, and choosing friends, and choosing material possessions fosters unexpected appreciation. Too much of any one thing negates whatever specialness might have been realized. If we surround ourselves with acquaintances, we never fully share in knowing if you people well. If surrounded ourselves with “toys”, we never learned how to really want to spend our time.

When we don’t take life too slowly, piece by piece one shell at a time, we avoid the greatest discovery of all, the person within. When our attention to persons, places, things is deliberate and steady, the beauty within the object of our focus shines forth, and we, too, I made more beautiful in the process.

Today, I will take time to smell the flowers

On our last day at Decision Point we’re not allowed to go to classes and we have to wait until 2 PM to leave to get our phone and do our final check out and then someone has to come and pick us up. So I have most of the day to get different chores, packing meeting with doctors, meeting with nurses, and final residential exit.

My leaving to do list

  • wash bed linens
  • Pack up clothes
  • Pack up shoes
  • Pack up all stuff
  • Clean all drawers, closet, floors, underneath all furniture
  • Relabel all of my food, pack whatever food I want and clean off my pantry shelves
  • Meet with psychiatrist
  • Meet with nurses for my meds
  • Figure out transportation
  • Do residential discharge
  • Get my phone
  • Get dressed and ready
  • Say all my goodbyes
  • Leave

According to Jess yesterday, she said that Mike was waiting until 12 noon today to make a final decision. So far I’m not sure where I’ll be going I know I’ll be going somewhere and I’m not sure how I’ll be getting there. I contemplated running a car however I don’t have enough funds at my disposal for the deposit the car yes deposit no. So I’m incredibly nervous my stomach is turning leaps and bounds. I wonder how long he’ll keep punishing me for.

It’s nice when no one’s around I have the music on really loud while I do my cleaning and packing no one will be back to the apartment until around noon from lunch break so I have a good three hours to get everything I need accomplished.

So, Hannah, from Camelback, called the residential area. Apparently she’s been trying for quite some time to get a hold of me. Mike’s decided on Camelback recovery but he has “hard lines“ or rules that matter he must have full ROI access. He must have full access to my bank account and I am not allowed to spend any money out of my bank account. Also all payments have to go through my bank account because if I leave I am financially or fiduciaries responsible. We were having difficulty getting all the documents emails for me to sign to get back to them. Just a fiasco meanwhile I had to see doctors and nurses I’m still not completely packed. Maybe I should’ve started packing last night but I wanted to hang out with the girls.

So I’m ready to leave and there’s no transportation. Mike had not paid or called for any transportation for me to get to and from Prescott to Phoenix. Mary Anne, the owner of Decision Point, kindly paid for a Groome Transportation Phoenix Airport Shuttle so I could get down there. I got my phone, I did my residential check out, hopped in the residential minivan, and got to Groome and they wouldn’t take me.

They didn’t want to take me because of the amount of stuff I had. By this time my uneasy feeling has become completely flourished. Somethings wrong is going to happen. Something just doesn’t feel right about this.I have that feeling where wrong choices have been made and I’m going to regret making any suggestion to Camelback Recovery sober living.

The woman and Groome Transportation kept arguing with me and I kept pleading is there anyway that I can do anything can we solve this problem. I even offered because I still had $100 of what Mike left me of $200 when I got to Decision Point for petty cash. Eventually she went and she asked the manager and he said just this one time as long as the bus driver agrees and he did he felt sorry for me. I guess a lot of the sober living in treatment centers where I’m located have a tendency to just drop off and dump people there with all their belongings to get sent back onto an airport or wherever there is they may go and groom transportation is sick of it.

It was a nice quiet drive on the way down I just listen to music with my beats that I haven’t been able to listen to since I got to Decision Point and got dropped off at whatever terminal a number I was supposed to be. I waited over two hours to get picked up because Mercedes one of the House manager’s kept getting lost and couldn’t figure out the airport system. So yes I eventually got picked up. We drove to her in the airport to the house in Scottsdale and started to unload my stuff. As we entered into the garage I was introduced to one of the gals there who is not nice at all. Women typically are bitchy so I’m brushing it off for now. I’m hoping tomorrow when she actually meets meets me things will change. I’m kind of exhausted from the day so I’m gonna get a little unpacked and go to bed for now until tomorrow.

Day 48 June 3,2022

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

A little bit uneasy today I’m not sure why

How am I feeling physically?

OK ready to start the day and sweet Jesus drive a car!

How am I feeling spiritually?

I’m not as connected as I should be today.

What are my goals for the day?

A lot of getting things done. But some of that is shopping and I love to shop.

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mike and Connor – my loves

Just for today – June 4

“Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others.” Basic Text, p. 16

Spreading gossip feeds a dark hunger in us. Sometimes we think the only way we can feel good about ourselves is to make someone else look bad by comparison. But the kind of self-esteem that can be purchased at another’s expense is hollow and not worth the price.

How, then, do we deal with our negative sense of self? Simple. We replace it with a positive concern for others. Rather than dwell on our low self-esteem, we turn to those around us and seek to be of service to them. This may seem to be a way of avoiding the issue, but it’s not. There’s nothing we can do by dwelling on our low sense of self except work ourselves into a stew of self-pity. But by replacing our self-pity with active, loving concern for others, we become the kind of people we can respect.

The way to build our self-esteem is not to tear others down, but to build them up through love and positive concern. To help us with this, we can ask ourselves if we are contributing to the problem or to the solution. Today, we can choose to build instead of destroy.

Just for today: Though I may be feeling low, I don’t need to tear someone down to build myself up. Today, I will replace my negative sense of self with a positive concern for others. I will build, not destroy.

Slept six hours. So I haven’t written for a minute, not that I haven’t had a lot to say, but I was trying to get a lot complicated in a small period of time/window of opportunity that is. So I need to go back to getting to the last part. I was trying to get to Delaney’s auction house after I picked up the rental car, but put in 360 Osborn and not 3600 Osborn two totally different places in the greater Phoenix area. Like I said before this was West Phoenix where I wanted to be and I was somewhere in the middle of driving around in circles. The gentleman I spoke to there said he would wait after hours, but it was too late he had already left by the time I made it there and my phone was dead. I bought a charger from a very scary place, but I made it through OK. Most expensive charger cord in the world I might add! Starburst and a charger and an outlet cigarette adapter was $37 and change. I had to pay or I would not have known how to get back to sober living. Once I got my phone charged enough I had a text from Mercedes one of the House manager‘sThe gentleman I spoke to there said he would wait after hours, but it was too late he had already left by the time I made it there and my phone was dead. I bought a charger from a very scary place, but I made it through OK. Most expensive charger cord in the world I might add! Starburst and a charger and an outlet cigarette adapter was $37 and change. I had to pay or I would not have known how to get back to sober living. Once I got my phone charged enough I had a text from Mercedes one of the House Manager’s telling me to get home as I needed to be there to get a call from Nina, House Manager of all House Manager‘s, as there was a problem. Let me pre-face to say, this is not a short story and I need to start from the beginning.

When I started my adventure yesterday. While doing my online rental reservation for enterprise Rent-A-Car I did it at noon. However, there was a meeting, called “The Four Agreements” (very good book by the way) and it is a house AA meeting (all house – men and woman) at a restaurant nearby at 1 PM. Mercedes graciously offered to take me to the rental car place after the meeting. We stopped and got cigarettes and drove over to enterprise. I waited in line for a moment before I was helped by a man named Devon parentheses more like (a boy/younger man) of whom which was helping me. I said I had a reservation and showed him my phone and gave him my drivers license and credit card. For all purposes that being the regular drill when you rent a car, that is. However, not in may case, not today anyways. To which Devon said I didn’t have a reservation. I showed him the phone and he looked at me strangely. He then said you were/are late to your reservation and that he added if I minded walking stepping outside to chitchat for a moment. Now I will have to say as of lately I’m not finding too many things odd since I have found my life in general in uncharted waters. Let’s face it, my life seems like a shit show lately. Well nothing seems to shock me, or is any stranger than that of which I’ve lived these past 40 plus days. However, I’m about to have a conversation, I likely never expected to have. So, he takes me to the front of/outside/to the side of the entrance of Enterprise. He proceeds to ask me if “I’m OK“, “if I’m in any trouble“. I’m sure I have a perfect look like what the fuck is happening on my face. I say I’m fine. I’m not sure what came out of my mouth after that… What came out of his mouth, yet was something I did not expect… “I know you’re in a treatment at a Treatment Center.” At this point either this guy psychic or what I don’t… I have no idea what’s going on… Yes, my life in general, but… what the fuck are more of my thoughts. Then I say the first thought that comes to my mouth… “My drivers license is just fine”, following the thoughts how the hell does this guy know that and why does it matter when I’m driving a rental car? If I can rent a car…I have a license, huh? Then the next words that came out of Devon‘s mouth was “I spoke to your husband”. My mouth/jaw dropped completely I think I even had to pick it up off the cement sidewalk. Apparently, because I was late to my reservation and he dialed the wrong number not being able to get a hold of me. He called Mike whom informed him I was in a treatment center for addiction and obviously was only concerned I was going to drive to home or possibly Mike’s on the she’s on a “kill myself“ idea. I believe the latter. That’s almost about the time I cried out “I’ve been foiled.“ But no… I got the rental car if only for 36 hours.

Once I got back to the sober living house I was told Mike had stipulations on driving which was no driving and only to do IOP relax and work on myself. why wasn’t I told this before when it was the hard lines they were explaining to me. So I have to spend money here to take lifts and to go shopping and buy myself food I want to eat he’s not giving me any money I can work but I can’t spend any money I can’t do anything or go anywhere or go to the AA meetings without the Lyft or transportation for that matter. So I’m just supposed to sit do nothing unless I’m working and contemplate… However healthy Mike seems to think that sounds I’m a bit concerned. Nonetheless, there is so many things like a psychiatrist therapist a new primary physician. I need to look for an apartment. I mean I almost leave in 30 days – and I’m supposed to relax? I don’t know why but my anxiety is kicking in right now.

So I got the storage unit, I picked up my auction items and went shopping! Shopping on Thursday was so much fun! I had a blast! Macy’s, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, Forever 21, I got a Pinkberry with fruity Pebbles, and Taco Bell Mexican pizza! I was free! It felt so good to just be dash drive a car with windows down smoking an incredibly loud music! Just me! But that came to an end when I return the car back. Oddly enough Devon was there – he knew and nodded I wonder if he called Mike?

We had our mandatory zoom meeting on Friday night at 5 PM Mercedes made an awesome taco dinner Kearny Asada, beans, rice! It was awesome! Then just chilled in my room. I have the “teal room“ and I do not have a roommate so it’s really nice! To have my own bedroom is like a dream come true and it’s a queen size bed so that’s amazing!