Day 47 June 4, 2022

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you out there.” – Rumi

Today I did one of my (actually three) of my sober bucket list item/s.

  1. New belly ring in (hole was still there)
  2. Got my nipples pierced
  3. Acrylic nails back on

Wow! I love my nipples they look amazing! I even got the matching aurora stone for my belly button as well! Sexy as fuck! If Mike could see me now!

My stress level is hit the roof and my anxiety was over the top with all I needed to do but Lizzie the House manager hang out with me and we swam in the pool the whole rest of the day and had roasted veggies – Yum!

I got to Tracie on the phone. Poor thing is sick again she’s now in quarantine at Decision Point and no one can talk to her/see her. They put her all by her self in Avni’s old apartment and she is zooming all of the meetings and classes. I hope Tracie feels better she was like hell yeah when I told her about my nipple piercings! She made me send a picture! She’s so funny!

Mercedes, Lizzie, and I were talking about churches and tomorrow after deep clean and morning house meeting we are going to check out this really cool church with crystals and stuff… I am super excited! Mike would’ve hated it and teased me the whole time!

Well, I’m getting ready for bed and won’t forget to write tomorrow.

July 1, 2022 Email Sent to My Husband

My forever love,

I love you. I always have. That will never change.  Good, bad, and ugly. It’s always been you.

I’d like to preface, that this letter is coming from the heart and not from some obligation to step work.  That will come. I just wanted to tell you a few things. I listen to your voicemail over and over and over again the one that says I just like talking to you.  I miss telling you everything. I know longer have that right anymore.

I guess I never really thought of it as a trust thing you’re not allowing me to drive a car. I saw it as a I can’t get what you want done without physically going and seeing properties. I also need to go to Lowe’s in Scottsdale. Yet, it ended up being phone calls that I had to make and not actually going to a Lowe’s Scottsdale store.  Had I any idea I would end up in a mental institution for renting a car? Homeless? FUCK NO.    I really don’t remember much except for crying profusely for hours, a mental break, a psychiatrist, and the words your husband does not love you, before they admitted me. I can’t change the past, if I could… I would go back further.  I got the medication I needed! I slept for 2 1/2 days straight I only got up to eat. So that’s a good thing I don’t know.  I have never just slept like that.  My brain needed it. 

This is really hard, before you say “I know it is really hard,” you haven’t any idea.  I wish you were wish you were right and I had relapsed. However, that is the furthest from the truth.  Everything always looks above board because I never let anybody see anything else.  I can’t imagine you both seeing me like that.  I know that you have told several people that you don’t understand and I should’ve just quit, if it only been that easy. I would’ve made that choice first I rather then the choice I made. I didn’t realize how angry, depressed and an alcoholic I truly had become.  I am okay, now, not drinking and with proper medication.  I can actually see who I was and that scares me.    I know it scared you too.  My depression isn’t bad anymore it’s normal levels, and I am not angry.  . My mind is no longer stuck on a fast forward continual loop. I couldn’t ever see that before.

Yes, there are a slew of things I told myself in order to not have an addiction problem and a whole slew of things I covered up.  I know you always be furious at me.  I know I will never be forgiven, nor do I ask for your forgiveness.  I know you’re keeping me from going to Prescott on the Fourth of July, besides that you’ve had to scrape me up off the floor every Fourth of July so I get it, I understand and I agree with.  I’m just trying to figure everything out one step at a Time for a change. I no longer have to put the cart before the horse or vice versa.

Divorce! That’s a hard pill to swallow. I never thought that I would ever get divorced, not from you.  Yet I am.  I know I’m the catalyst.  Everything seems so surreal to me.  I lost my my son. I’ve lost my husband. I’ve lost all my friends. I lost my self-respect.  I have no respect. All I have is a red suitcase with some clothes.  No I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m just stating the facts. I owe so much to you and you helping me, while you did. You’re having to do this all alone. You’re having to do all of this for yourself and for Connor. I am so sorry I’ve devastated our family.  What you both are going through.  It seems weird to be doing all this alone.  It’s like I’m still in fight or flight mode. I’m sure you aren’t though.  Going to go pick up my medication’s hopefully today. I know you’re busy and I have to get ready have a wonderful Fourth of July and a great time at camp. You don’t have to worry about me I know my place.  I love you. I know Connor doesn’t wanna hear it at all not for me but please tell him that you love him.

Shannon

PS. I was going to try for another community management position but I can’t do so until I have a car. I can’t pick up my medication’s. I can’t do a lot of things Mike I know you don’t want me to rely on you but there’s certain things that I have to please help me.

Sent from my iPhone

July 16, 2022 Letter for Response Petition to Dissolution

July 16, 2022

To whom it may concern,

Due to extenuating circumstances (car, funds for both travel and attorney), I hope this letter finds the court within my 20 day time frame. I would like to tell the court that I love my husband and my son more than this world. I take my recovery from alcoholism seriously. I have completed a 45 day treatment program for alcohol and anxiety at Decision point in Prescott.  I am in Sober Living in Mesa at Spero House and I am doing amazing.  I have a Sponsor and am working my steps.  I am in a 90 day IOP program at The River Source Recovery in Mesa, of which I will pay for.  This includes therapy, as well, on top of what I am asking.  I have transferred from Prescott Home Improvement Lowes to Mesa Lowes Home Improvement and will start very soon.  That said I will continue to make my restitution fees, begin domestic violence classes and anger management (as soon as first paycheck).  No monetary value I am asking for will pay any of the court restitution nor classes. I am and will continue to thrive living in the here and now.  I feel the way I want to feel.   I act the way I want to act.  I look and dress the way I want to feel being the person I am meant to be. I would love nothing more than to have a chance.  I love my husband and I will fight for our family and our marriage, no matter the present outcome.

 I am having a hard time losing my best friend of 22 years and my son.  I would never nor have I broken the court order; I am not nor have I been an abusive predator.  Everything in my life was so secretive.     Today is 90 days without drinking.  I feel great, I look better.  I am different than I was the last 2 years; even more so in my life.  I am the person I was when he fell in love with me, but better.  I would like the chance to date him again. I want to see my son.  I want to show them both happiness and fulfilment, my purpose.  I am very driven to my purpose.

My beautiful gorgeous son, my light.  He needs to see me being amazing and not this shell of an isolated binge drinker.  I want them both to see me and how healthy my mind is.  Therapy and counseling may not help; if even after a few months it does not than I agree it is time to move on.

That said I am willing to negotiate terms of spousal support and other requests if “other orders I am requesting” can be met. 

Summary of what I want regarding spousal maintenance that is different from what my spouse asked for in the petition.

I am asking $2,000.00 dollars a month for a duration of ten (10) years 19 years of marriage (including the domestic partnership we entered while dating).  In addition to monetary spousal support, one (1) year medical insurance coverage; Toyota Camry and six (6) months of Vehicle insurance coverage; $8,000.00 to purchase new furniture; Movers to move belongings to storage facility and storage unit paid for one (1) year; hormonal Pellet injection paid for one (1) year; and all credit card debt paid in full. 

Other orders I am requesting.

Removal of Order of Protection. Conciliation and mediation. One (1) year of counseling together, one (1) year of individual therapy, and one (1) year of family therapy

I truly believe given the chance and opportunity we can continue as a wonderful family unit as we had been in the past. I believe this relationship can be salvaged if given the chance as well.

Sincerely,

Shannon M. Coon

Featured

Day 45 June 1, 2022

Slept six hours I slept off and on last night I kept waking up I think I had bad dreams, But with the trazodone I can’t tell whether I dream or not. I just felt like I had nightmares! Ran downstairs and got my phone at 5:30 AM. I have my phone until 630 and I’m gonna plug away at the computer. I still have more to do and will get that accomplished soon.I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that. I am working on laundry at the moment. I have a huge laundry list no pun intended to get done before I leave here at 2 PM. And everything still up in the air on that.

How am I feeling mentally?

stressed out, but excited

How am I feeling physically?

restlessmess

How am I feeling spiritually?

I keep praying

What are my goals for the day?

follow my exit list I made

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mike for this next step in recovery

Each Day A New Beginning

Daily Meditation Guide for Woman

By Karen Casey

“One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach; one can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few.“ – And Morrow Lindbergh

Being selective and choosing activities, and choosing friends, and choosing material possessions fosters unexpected appreciation. Too much of any one thing negates whatever specialness might have been realized. If we surround ourselves with acquaintances, we never fully share in knowing if you people well. If surrounded ourselves with “toys”, we never learned how to really want to spend our time.

When we don’t take life too slowly, piece by piece one shell at a time, we avoid the greatest discovery of all, the person within. When our attention to persons, places, things is deliberate and steady, the beauty within the object of our focus shines forth, and we, too, I made more beautiful in the process.

Today, I will take time to smell the flowers

On our last day at Decision Point we’re not allowed to go to classes and we have to wait until 2 PM to leave to get our phone and do our final check out and then someone has to come and pick us up. So I have most of the day to get different chores, packing meeting with doctors, meeting with nurses, and final residential exit.

My leaving to do list

  • wash bed linens
  • Pack up clothes
  • Pack up shoes
  • Pack up all stuff
  • Clean all drawers, closet, floors, underneath all furniture
  • Relabel all of my food, pack whatever food I want and clean off my pantry shelves
  • Meet with psychiatrist
  • Meet with nurses for my meds
  • Figure out transportation
  • Do residential discharge
  • Get my phone
  • Get dressed and ready
  • Say all my goodbyes
  • Leave

According to Jess yesterday, she said that Mike was waiting until 12 noon today to make a final decision. So far I’m not sure where I’ll be going I know I’ll be going somewhere and I’m not sure how I’ll be getting there. I contemplated running a car however I don’t have enough funds at my disposal for the deposit the car yes deposit no. So I’m incredibly nervous my stomach is turning leaps and bounds. I wonder how long he’ll keep punishing me for.

It’s nice when no one’s around I have the music on really loud while I do my cleaning and packing no one will be back to the apartment until around noon from lunch break so I have a good three hours to get everything I need accomplished.

So, Hannah, from Camelback, called the residential area. Apparently she’s been trying for quite some time to get a hold of me. Mike’s decided on Camelback recovery but he has “hard lines“ or rules that matter he must have full ROI access. He must have full access to my bank account and I am not allowed to spend any money out of my bank account. Also all payments have to go through my bank account because if I leave I am financially or fiduciaries responsible. We were having difficulty getting all the documents emails for me to sign to get back to them. Just a fiasco meanwhile I had to see doctors and nurses I’m still not completely packed. Maybe I should’ve started packing last night but I wanted to hang out with the girls.

So I’m ready to leave and there’s no transportation. Mike had not paid or called for any transportation for me to get to and from Prescott to Phoenix. Mary Anne, the owner of Decision Point, kindly paid for a Groome Transportation Phoenix Airport Shuttle so I could get down there. I got my phone, I did my residential check out, hopped in the residential minivan, and got to Groome and they wouldn’t take me.

They didn’t want to take me because of the amount of stuff I had. By this time my uneasy feeling has become completely flourished. Somethings wrong is going to happen. Something just doesn’t feel right about this.I have that feeling where wrong choices have been made and I’m going to regret making any suggestion to Camelback Recovery sober living.

The woman and Groome Transportation kept arguing with me and I kept pleading is there anyway that I can do anything can we solve this problem. I even offered because I still had $100 of what Mike left me of $200 when I got to Decision Point for petty cash. Eventually she went and she asked the manager and he said just this one time as long as the bus driver agrees and he did he felt sorry for me. I guess a lot of the sober living in treatment centers where I’m located have a tendency to just drop off and dump people there with all their belongings to get sent back onto an airport or wherever there is they may go and groom transportation is sick of it.

It was a nice quiet drive on the way down I just listen to music with my beats that I haven’t been able to listen to since I got to Decision Point and got dropped off at whatever terminal a number I was supposed to be. I waited over two hours to get picked up because Mercedes one of the House manager’s kept getting lost and couldn’t figure out the airport system. So yes I eventually got picked up. We drove to her in the airport to the house in Scottsdale and started to unload my stuff. As we entered into the garage I was introduced to one of the gals there who is not nice at all. Women typically are bitchy so I’m brushing it off for now. I’m hoping tomorrow when she actually meets meets me things will change. I’m kind of exhausted from the day so I’m gonna get a little unpacked and go to bed for now until tomorrow.

Day 91 July 17, 2022

“Through spontaneity we are reformed into ourselves. Freed from handed down frames of reference, spontaneity becomes the moment of personal freedom when we are faced with a reality, explore it and act accordingly.“ – Viola Spolin

Is that 5.5 hours I’m up and it’s 3:30 AM. I slept good! I woke up sad but I always wake up sad – it’s becoming my theme song and it’s carried throughout my day.

I realized something the other day. How sad for Mike to take away from this that we cannot be stronger. That I won’t be stronger, but I am. I am still here fighting. He wants to take everything away from me. I get angry, but he couldn’t have ever loved me that much – could he have? I actually have sadness for him in that regards. No amount of coercion, begging and pleading will stop or aid in his or on his behalf. I genuinely need to let him go. I don’t think you’ll ever be back. If you wanted to come back, would I forget? with this whole thing genuinely make a stronger? Maybe I am holding onto something we never had in the first place. Maybe my grandeur thoughts of love really do not exist. Maybe I’m just and have been talking out of my ass about everything. Maybe I want so badly I can’t see the truth in front of me? I don’t know, but my heart cannot take any more heartache. I need to make peace – however that may be and what extent that is… I cannot be healthy if I cannot. I’m only 51 years old. I feel like I can’t go on but I am going on. Do I really never want to have joy, joy and myself? I may not ever be the love I thought I was or the love I thought I had. But I am strong enough to weather even the worst storm obviously maybe I wasn’t. But I know I am enough to get by, maybe not completely through this but if I’m going to stay/stick around, I need to be present. I need to be present in the here and now for the people who are here and now with me – who care. Not my losses. If they are lost for good – it’s gone and by dwelling I’m only hurting myself, and losing even more – the people that do give a shit. I’ll push them away too, then where will I be? I get what Kendra meant now parentheses God I miss her and parentheses. “There are people here that do love you.“ They are the ones that are here. I need to focus on those people! That Kendra man she was wise! I hope she knows not all is lost on me!

My daily focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Emotionally anguished I’m hurting sad seems like a constant sad!

How am I physically?

Rested I feel strong, strong enough to push through another day

How am I spiritually?

Still thinking about yesterday – but many more prayers

What are my goals

Blog and write two steps two and three in one breath at a time by Kevin Griffin

What’s my affirmation my greatness my gratitude?

I’d say Mike for pushing me – but he’s not anymore – I guess I just have the will to go on and find hope in the day.

July 17

Journey To The Heart

Daily Meditations On The Path to Frame Your Soul

by Melanie Beattie

Put Yourself On Equal Ground

I sat in the booth across from my friend. I was fiddling with an empty soda can in front of me while we discuss the subject of tower. Suddenly he snatched the can away from me and began tossing it in the air, catching it, then tossing it up again. “See how easy it is to take your power?” He said. “See how you just gave it to me?” I watched, amazed at how quickly I had relinquished my power, how vulnerable I was to the world around me.

Then my friend smiled and stopped juggling the can. “Relax,“ he said. “It’s an illusion. That’s not really your power – it’s an empty can. And it’s an illusion that anyone can take your power away from you.“

Each of us has an unlimited supply of power available – the power to think, to feel, to take care of ourselves. The power to open our hearts, love, be gentle, honest, and kind. We have the power to be clear and to trust and follow the guidance of our own hearts.

Part of our journey to freedom, and important part, is equalizing our relationships. For many years, we may have believe the scales were tipped one way or the other in our work and love relationships. We may have believed that others knew a great deal more than we did, or we may have begun to believe that we had all the answers. But no one has a higher power. That’s an illusion. So much so that sometimes the person we believe is more powerful than us may be looking at us thinking where are the ones pulling the strings.

Remember, if you give up your power or decide that someone has power over you, you’ll begin grouting, sabotaging, and doing sneaky little things to equalize that relationship, to feel like you have your power. There’s another way, a better way, one that will help you heal.

Put yourself on equal ground.

No one, and I mean no one,It’s going to take the power and make me feel hopeless and sad, not anumore. I was acting out sneaky little things, not anymore. I need to have my power. He cant control it anymore. I know it’s going to be a battle I know I’m gonna write about it but I just may surprise everyone and start writing a little bit more getting well stuff.

I am sad to know its over. This was Mike’s plan all along. Here is my pink elephant in the room. I believe Mike has wanted this divorce no matter the line I walked. He doesn’t want me anymore. He definately doesn’t want us anymore. If he truely did things would be different. He will always be my love. I will never nor would I give up on him. That’s my truth.

Day 38 May 25,2022

“…So often times we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key…” – The Eagles

Slept eight hours and I’m nervous and stressed. I will get ready and start the day I need to be down to get my phone and log onto the computer by 5:15 AM. So far I’ve gotten no phone call from Mike, new text and or no email. I don’t know what to do.

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Fearless but not good

How am I feeling physically?

Same

How am I feeling spiritually?

SameSame

What are my goals for the day?

Too many

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mary and Dave

Just for Today – May 25

“A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we do not take time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow.”

IP No. 8, “Just for Today”

Most of us seem to unconsciously judge what happens in our lives each day as good or bad, success or failure. We tend to feel happy about the “good” and angry, frustrated, or guilty about the “bad.” Good and bad feelings, though, often have little to do with what’s truly good or bad for us. We may learn more from our failures than our successes, especially if failure has come from taking a risk.

Attaching value judgments to our emotional reactions ties us to our old ways of thinking. We can change the way we think about the incidents of everyday life, viewing them as opportunities for growth, not as good or bad. We can search for lessons rather than assigning value. When we do this, we learn something from each day. Our daily Tenth Step is an excellent tool for evaluating the day’s events and learning from both success and failure.

Just for today: I am offered an opportunity to apply the principles of recovery so that I will learn and grow. When I learn from life’s events, I succeed.

9 AM to 10:30 AM Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

God I genuinely despise this woman.

“Show respect even to people who don’t deserve it. Not as a reflection of their character, but it’s a reflection of yours.” – By David Willis

That is a very true statement one of which I do not completely follow. My character is pretty flawed when it comes to that. If you don’t deserve respect, I’m definitely not gonna give it. I should really think about that my character needs a little help right now, scratch that a lot of help!

11 AM to 12 Noon Anger Management with Jess and Rebecca

Physical, emotional and cognitive anger situations

2 to 3:30 PM Volunteering at Saint Vincent de Paul

Part of the PHP/Recovery in Charge Program we have to volunteer twice a week. The girls always volunteer at Saint Vincent de Paul. There are huge huge rolling bins or crates of clothes and we have to go through the clothes whether good or really bad they need to be thrown out and then fold them and put them into the right boxes. Once that box is full we have to label the box and stack them so they can be put on shelves for future use. I must remember to go back there and shop Because some of those clothes are so cute and designer and some of never being in the worn.

Depression is high! I don’t know why volunteering at Saint Vincent de Paul depresses me the shit out of me! It does though! All I can think about is what I have done with my life! I lost Mike and my son. My son hates me and Mike wants to dissolution of our marriage. I feel so heavy like I can’t go on! Sadness and depression. I can’t keep trying to give my whole big to a higher power, it’s just isn’t working. I don’t believe anyone is listening. maybe I’ll try to mediate!

4 PM with Caseworker Jess

Anyway, I met with Jess for 10 minutes, she handed me my phone. Upon looking at it/updating, I had received a text from Mike that read I called Decision Point and you need to lift the restriction so I can get the information. OR you need to call your mom and dad. I told them you’ll need to call them or stay in a halfway house.

I called an attorney that I can make payment plans too. I also found a cheaper apartment. I will have to do some type of foot work or planning I don’t know what to do. I got credit to buy some furniture I’m holding onto that until it gets closer so I have something to sleep on and sit on.

You are done resonates with me! He doesn’t love me anymore. But I’m definitely ready to text back. I need to pray and meditate a lot about it I did some math work

The depression will set in soon I suppose and I’ll be very sad! I know I will cry. My heart is broken but I need to try to stay strong.

May 23, 2022 My Dark Addiction

By Shannon Coon

The day before true shattered house

Glass of which did it become

Thought it solid, brick and strong

Hurting broken, bleeding death

Nothing saved, salvage nor trust

Dirty, nasty, grimy, grotesque

Disgusted lost living ghost

Reclusive mood, concealed soul

wasted depleted, shell of life

Twisted distorted confusing mess

Belief system deflective, addiction

Parenting, parents love dismissed

Husband, wife, son vanished

Indefinitely reversed, Longing Perversed

Thinking repairable, hopeful gone

Ridiculous apologetic with no affirm

Alone today, will discover tomorrow

I life refused by my own abuse

Spirit gun being nonexistent

Forsaken, injured, goodbye

Day 36 May 23,2022

I slept eight hours unbelievable. It’s 3:40 AM and I feel really good this morning! Already had a cigarette with marie she leaves on Thursday and I’m greatly going to miss her a lot. Avni and I have to separate for class because we talk too much. I’m very anxious these last couple days because I can’t get anything accomplished that I want/need to. Computer codes don’t work, no responses to emails, no phone to see if HR person at Lowe’s can get me the information I need. On and on and on! It’s pretty fucking ridiculous how this is going down even and a matter what I’m thankful for being here. I’m just trying to get my life, and not here, in order! I keep praying to God for answers to walk with me to be near me to protect me and love Connor and Mike – to ask David and Gloria and my Grandma, and Sarah for forgiveness – I feel this far to no avail. And due time, I suppose. Just let the magic or beauty happen and be present. I know it’s supposed to be hurt. No one ever said this would be easy or that it shouldn’t hurt or that the difficulty I’m having was just the beginning. I don’t know that I am strong enough. No matter my love, I don’t know?

I listen to a Brené Brown TED talk today. A quote from Maya Angelou “You’re only truly free and so you belong everywhere, nowhere which is everywhere. The price is high and the reward is great.“

The absence of love and belonging is always suffering it’s a book by John Capaccio which equals primal loneliness/loneliness is a greater cause of early death. Art has the power to cure. Capture pain and deliver happiness at the same time.

Stop walking around for evidence that I’m not enough – I will find exactly what I am looking for. People shame and dismiss ordinary lives or circumstances – we chase extraordinary moments instead of being grateful for ordinary moments. Until the hard shit happens, the only thing we beg for is a normal moment.

I will determine the line – no one else will!

“Internally sat not externally sat it’s not about winning it’s not about losing it’s about showing up and being seen!”

“This is who I want to be, I want to create, I want to make things that I didn’t exist before I touch them, I want to show up and be seen in my world…”

“If you’re going to show up and be seen there is only one guarantee and that is be prepared to get your ass kicked.”

“If you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked “I don’t want your feedback.“

“What would you try if people never said this ________ about you”

A quote by Theodore Roosevelt the man in the arena “… It’s not the critic that counts it’s not the man who points out how the strongman stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done it better, the credit belongs to the man actually in the arena his face is marred with blood and sweat and Dentist who have best in the end knows the triumph of high achievement and who let the worst if he fails he fails daringly great.”

Show Up and Be Seen

That was really good for me I needed a little motivation and self love this morning! I’m so sad I need to watch some happy shit!

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Wow but I need my phone I need to be able to email and most of all I need to get in touch with the apartment complex

How am I feeling physically?

I’m good

How am I feeling spiritually?

Connected I’m praying all the time

What are my goals for the day?

I have so many… So many

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Me I’m going to get everything done!

Just for Today – May 23

“We want to be free of our guilt, but we don’t wish to do so at the expense of anyone else.”

Basic Text, p. 39

Let’s face it: Most of us left trails of destruction in our wakes and harmed anyone who got in our way. Some of the people we hurt most in our addiction were the people we loved most. In an effort to purge ourselves of the guilt we feel for what we’ve done, we may be tempted to share with our loved ones, in gruesome detail, things that are better left unsaid. Such disclosures could do much harm and may do little good.

The Ninth Step is not about easing our guilty consciences; it’s about taking responsibility for the wrongs we’ve done. In working our Eighth and Ninth Steps, we should seek the guidance of our sponsor and amend our wrongs in a manner that won’t cause us to owe more amends. We are not just seeking freedom from remorse—we are seeking freedom from our defects. We never again want to inflict harm on our loved ones. One way to insure that we do not is by working the Ninth Step responsibly, checking our motives, and discussing with our sponsor the particular amends we plan to make before we make them.

Just for today: I wish to accept responsibility for my actions. Before making any amends, I will talk with my sponsor.

That’s a great passage today cause we need to be free of her guilt and we don’t need to do it at the expense of anyone else – pretty powerful considering everyone in countless journals about it! We act the way we want people to react to us we predetermined our own outcomes by our own actions! I am my own outcome I am the catalyst.

9 to 10 AM science of addiction with Krista

We talked about paws which is the symptoms of post acute withdrawal.

I’m pretty depressed. I have hit an all time low! I can’t get anything accomplished I have no car, no home nothing Mike has left me with nothing. It is really over. I want to vomit! I’m not well, I feel like I should just be such a loser live homeless hang out with all the homeless people I guess I deserve this. Spoke to HR this afternoon at Lowe’s and my hands are tied I can’t log into the computer I can’t theoretically speak to Lynn I can’t get a paycheck stub because I am on a leave of absence. At the moment I can’t cancel the leave of absence because I am here. I was given an employer number and ID number to try that butI’m pretty depressed.

Mike has not called back yet. He’s psycho called while I was awaiting sentencing, I was not present, and told after the fact, and so he doesn’t know that the whole story but regardless he is now refusing to call back. So nine days and nowhere to go! No car to drive to get there.

At least I got some of my gel pens today. I’m waiting a lot of things to arrive frankly – but the gel pens will be nice!

Volunteering today killed my sense of self and was terrible I felt like Romana Beezus terrible!

What to do? Where to go? How to get there? What, when, how, what, and where!

I’m just lost

5 to 6 PM AA

Women’s AA was nice. The speaker was really funny. Everyone was just worn out.

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Day 37 May 24,2022

“We loose the fear of making decisions, great and small; that we realize that should our choice be wrong we can, if we will, learn from experience.” – Bill W

*My Family Scuplt Today

Slept 5.5 hours, it’s 3:30 AM I have so much anxiety, not even the anxiety meds seem to be helping. They probably are – I’m just beyond it at this point. Today’s a new day, perhaps I will get some much-needed answers. I need to write my mile long to do list. Knowing I’m here and nothing will easily or timely or time allotted get finished, but I strive to do so – no pun intended.

I slept OK. It’s just the mornings when I get up I remember where I am and how I got here. My situation doesn’t gradually creep into existence, and abruptly shocks and stands. Is the worst nightmare I’ve ever had to come to floo Asian, every morning! It’s more overwhelming than the laundry monster. So I’m always in a discontentedly shitty ass mood every day. It’s all my doing which makes it even worse… There is no deflecting this shit show I created!

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

OK

How am I feeling physically?

OK

How am I feeling spiritually?

Would like to be more connected today

What are my goals for the day?

I have some PHP to do today

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mary Avni Lorenzo Dave and Jake not to mention Gregson

Just for Today – May 24

“As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.”

Basic Text, p. 81

Rather than risk vulnerability, many of us have developed habits that keep others at a safe distance. These patterns of emotional isolation can give us the feeling we are hopelessly locked behind our masks. We used to take risks with our lives; now we can take risks with our feelings. Through sharing with other addicts, we learn that we are not unique; we do not make ourselves unduly vulnerable simply by letting others know who we are, for we are in good company. And by working the Twelve Steps of the NA program, we grow and change. We no longer want or need to hide our emerging selves. We are offered the opportunity to shed the emotional camouflage we developed to survive our active addiction.

By opening ourselves to others, we risk becoming vulnerable, but that risk is well worth the rewards. With the help of our sponsor and other recovering addicts, we learn how to express our feelings honestly and openly. In turn, we become nourished and encouraged by the unconditional love of our companions. As we practice spiritual principles, we find strength and freedom, both in ourselves and in those around us. We are set free to be ourselves and to enjoy the company of our fellow addicts.

Just for today: I will openly and honestly share with another recovering addict. I will risk becoming vulnerable and celebrate my self and my friendship with other NA members. I will grow.

I’m not as vulnerable as one would expect. I am always afraid of opening up. It comes from my childhood – I tell the truth and was always challenged, hurt, gotten in trouble. My parents focus so much on me – I wanted to keep my things to myself. It’s not that I don’t trust to tell some, but I can’t tell all! “As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.“

9 to 10 AM Relapse Prevention with Jess and Krista

Mary – Thursday

Avni – Friday

Dave – Friday

Write a letter to my disease:

In class today we’re supposed to write a letter to our disease. They gave us a packet of sample letters to read aloud. And then we were to write her own. I have much more to say in mine but we were given five minutes to write it. I probably will write a much longer one when this is all said and done so I can also say how happy I am that “IT” is gone or “IT” can eat shit.

Fuck you! Svedka!!!!

Sample letters…

My letter…

10:15 to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

So before class started, I was handed the below documents. I about lost my shit. What I was told that all of the information I have given prior as well as asked them to make sure that Mike got it after the court date they did not. I was told today that they won’t contact him because of the court order. I’m not sure why but they said that because there’s an order protection on me they can no longer contact Mike. The staff gave me paperwork on how to put a restraining order on my husband. I was not and I’m not pleased. There is no way I will ever do that. I will not play tit for tat with my husband. For all the love I have for him I won’t do that I am a better person – he may not have respect for me anymore but I will not go to that level or low. I did leave a text telling him we needed a mediator I will leave now and 7 1/2 days and have no financial plan. I’m pretty upset, scared and pissed off

Then the texts begin. I Ask Mike if we can get a mediator and that was not going to fly. He thinks I’m avoiding him. he thinks I’m avoiding the inevitable. He obviously thinks I’m going to come home. I have no plans of that. He told me that my son won’t even talk to me and if I try to talk to him I’m going to prison so the likelihood that I am going to go home now.

And I keep getting threatened about my parents. I’m a grown ass woman I married you so I feel you should take care of me and love me no matter what. it is over….there is no love, understanding, or care. He said he loved me…I can’t trust him, he’s just like my family.

Today in primary therapy group it was my family scope.It was really difficult and there were a lot of tears.

My family scope:

  • Treyson played my husband
  • John C played my son
  • And Lorenzo played my mother

The words to repeat/sentences to repeat over and over in unison are…

  • Treyson: “I talk to you before, you chose booze over your family.“
  • Lorenzo: “why did you do this to my baby boy.“
  • John C: “don’t talk to me ever”

As a repeated simultaneously I started to cry – it was a lot to hear their words repeated to me over and over again. I let it go for one minute, and then I stopped it. The voices I heard loudest and most clear were Treyson and John C, Mike and my son. I then sat down with Treyson in front of me face-to-face and I had to speak to Treyson as if he was Mike acknowledge Mike’s words, fear, and hurt and I didn’t apologize or say sorry saying those words don’t mean anything for me anymore I said I know I destroyed us. I said I will love you forever and never love again, probably never be with another person again. I said I was OK with that and I said I let you go, I want you to leave, if there is no longer a chance… I let you go! Treyson was bawling Mary was bawling Jessica was bawling Cindy with Molly we were all in tears. Treyson and I are opposites in the sense that his wife wouldn’t stop math and his family and friends told him to divorce her. I was his wife and his sculpt a week before and then we did mine. John C then took the seed play my son and I apologize profusely I pleated and balled my fucking eyes out it broke my heart! Then everybody just stood up and hugged me while I was bawling. That was fucking hard.

530 to 7 PM AA Meeting: Meditation at The Methodist Church

I just prayed for an hour and a half. Are you listening? Do you hear me? Are you walking with me? Can I ever be forgiven?