I bought the oven bags I went to Ace and I got the tubing and the good ties all that’s left is the helium tank my full prescription of gabapentin. That should take care of it. I need to write my notes tonight get the helium in the morning and double check to make sure I have everything I need. Nothing is worth anything if I can’t have my son I just lost the love of my life and my son, The pure love of my son. The house manager at Sustany house told me my son will forever hate me and nothing I can do ever be right. So it just really don’t think there’s any reason there’s none my husband wants to make sure I have nothing so I will die with nothing I plan on making myself some white trash tacos and I did buy a pack of Marbro lights even though I haven’t splurge like that in a while to figure what the fuck I might as well enjoy a smoke right!. Tell her to have a nice life is all he said there’s no closure there’s no why he changed his mind… And then he’s fighting me on everything I just don’t understand nor do I want to understand if that’s the way it’s gonna be for the rest of my life. I thought about this for days and days and days well since Monday. I spent a couple hours in My favorite Place the library I sat in an awesome chair and I stared out into the architecture it was lovely. Walking in the rain my God I love the rain I love swinging in the rain I don’t think I have time to do that but I do love it so. I was thinking about finishing my book I don’t even see why I should even bother really it’s not worth it probably won’t amount to much anyway. That’s probably how my things you bought me the damn computer so I could write my book he probably thinks it’s lousy I gave him a copy to read he never said a word so yeah it’s probably lousy. I can’t stop crying while I write this. A dead mom is probably better than a loser mom right. There’s no redemption for me and there’s probably no coming back from this no one knows who I am no one cares I’m all alone.
Well conciliation counseling was today at 10 AM. It did not go well not for me anyway. Might listen to the mediators discussion of what we discussed and basically said “I hope she has a nice life with her sobriety“. That’s it! No explanation as to why he said he wanted to reconcile and he’s not wanting to know when did that change did I do something to make you change your mind. Can I get any explanation so I can have some closureAnything, anything… Yeah I got nothing! I know I should’ve seen the writings on the wall I should’ve just read my journal over and over the way Mike Did the things that he did kind of forewarned how he was really feeling inside. From the beginning I cried because I knew he would be gone and I did hold Help but in the back of my mind there is always that… The D word… Divorce. I don’t know what I’m going to do next. But I’m doing good I’m not questioning my sobriety at all. Which brings me to the next item of irritation today or sadness or it’s just really mixed emotions and I can’t figure out which emotion I want first..
So we read the book it’s really a great book didn’t help at all. So I don’t know what to do with the book now because I surely don’t want to be in another relationship.just saying great book but for me I needed reading time no time spent or should have been spent reading this book.
So here are the questions and statements I never got to actually hand Mike or ask him about because I didn’t realize how the meeting was going to be run with a shuttle person since there’s an order of protection but anyway this is my questions and statements. I never got to ask nor did I ever go a chance. He was done before it started.
So I read my “Kendra“ repair me plan. For those of you who don’t know Kendra was my therapist at Decision Point and she said it’s a repair me plan what are you gonna do that’s different that is just you. They all thought Mike was bipolar and all he would do is spew out demands Adam or screaming at the phone so anyway I digress. My repair me plan…
I wrote the plan I guess it’s time for me to start using it. But I don’t think number one giving up my control and letting somebody else take it that was meant for Mike so I calm down and I think he’s taken enough control. I like …nothing defines me like me and I am worth love self respect and dignity.
I tell everyone what happened and they ask if “more” (infidelity, abuse, etc) took place because for Mike to be acting this way and throwing it all away is asinine. However that is exactly what is/ has happened. If he would have seen me during this I’m sure it would have been different. Yet here we are! It’s over. He wants to proceed with the divorce. so I won’t need my nine step letters.
Today is recovery day or an I am with The booth for the house I’m at. Living in sober living especially this Sober Living is a lot different than before we laugh, we get angry at ourselves, but most of all we’re all open with each other. All the girls at my house aren’t afraid to get real and tell the ugly truths. Some of the other Sober Living’s I was at they weren’t that way there wasn’t any comfort and openness. That’s important. We have confidentialities not just out in public with each other. We can tell a story and know that it’s safe and it’s not going anywhere else and that no one is judging.
I think that has been my hardest part of all the judging and not being able to tell the truth of not just how I’m feeling but what transpired. Since I started this five months ago I have grown leaps and bounds. It’s not easy doing the steps. Step four resentments where you have to really look at yourself in the mirror but I’m now working on my step nine. I’m going to try to have it done before I meet with Mike on Monday. I will own up to all of it. I’m scared about Monday by the way, conciliation counseling. Is he going to participate with me is he going to try. I don’t know. I sure hope so though.
Normally I get list to gather and questions I’m going to want to ask or answer the questions that might get asked… This time I haven’t. I want this to go just the way it supposed to go. I don’t want to get it set in my brain that everything needs to go one way or the other. I want to be open and receptive and honest. And I probably won’t even give Mike the night stamp letter until it’s near the end and we’re about to leave. Lying to my own outcome. Who would’ve thought I would feel so amazing, so healthy so fantastic I’m not drinking. It really does feels amazing. I look amazing too I hope that I get to see Mike early as he gets to see me it’s only for a moment I don’t know if you will we’re doing conciliation counseling separated because of the restraining order. And a whole entire different note they are serving hotdogs here at the recovery day but I instead chose to eat six Costco chocolate chip cookies much more satisfying. I’m over kind of in a corner blogging as I’m really not much for large crowds specially large crowds of recovery people but nonetheless I’m here.
I’ve been coloring a lot lately with my gel pens to get my mind off of Monday and everything else that seems to cloud up my mind and I catastrophize about. Maybe that’s why I’m not making lists and writing out questions or answers to questions that may have been… I don’t want to catastrophize.The coloring really does help though really does help a lot. Keeps my mind occupied and positive and fresh. I wanna go to bed I have beautiful happy wonderful dreams that’s what I’m staying focused on coloring and my beautiful dreams there’s just the hours in between that I try to stay focused on the positive.
Giving up some control in allowing someone else to take the reins and just relax. I have a really hard time with that and I think for the most part that’s what’s gotten me in the most trouble. I stopped drinking but I seem to have fucked everything up more than I did when I was drinking. Anything and everything that could go wrong or sideways has I know I said it before I feel like I’m back in college all alone.
I made stupid mistakes back then really dumb careless. Yet the mistakes I’m making now aren’t dumb they’re not calculated they’re not manipulated they’re just things that happened I can’t even explain or talk or say how I feel to anybody that’s important to me. All they believe is what they believe is none sense. I try to write a letter no response I tried to send a text no response. I get it I do… I made a mistake…Granted a big one. Have you ever felt like they tell you to put it in God’s hands and let him take control it is his will and what will happen will happen and it’s all for the best… Just relax and let God do his work. That’s not working out so well for me. Just relax not working out so well for me. Just focus on your recovery. Well at some point I wish they could just relax and do that but I can’t I haven’t been able to since I started this I’m running on Mike’s demands or I was and then nothing.Well at some point I wish they could just relax and do that but I can’t I haven’t been able to since I started this I’m running on Mike’s demands or I was and then nothing.
So I try to get some thing and learn something out of every mishap or mistake. But I’m really having trouble learning anything. So yes this time I’m giving up all control and I guess whatever happens happens I don’t know how much more I can take. I just don’t know. But I’m letting go. Just soaking it all in. It’s gods well that I am to be alone well then I guess that’s it.Just soaking it all in. It’s gods well that I am to be alone well then I guess that’s it.
I’m becoming a bit more spiritual with myself and believe that whatever outcome I will be OK it has to be right. Whoever’s out there and whoever’s listening I need you.
So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on how I wanna approach this conciliation. I don’t even know if Mike will say anything to me. Or if you have more demands or if you won’t offer anything at all. I have to be OK with this. I texted my mom today and told her that I loved her, no reply. I did get a reply from my grandpa though that was nice. The owner of Sustany has tried calling my father for me of course he didn’t answer.
On a different note it’s sad, I’ve been thinking about Mike and my son all day. I wanted to call Mike every time I took a break. Tell him how my day is to tell him what trainings like how crazy the cash office is in balancing all those registers and the safe and everything else it’s nuts. But I can’t I can’t tell him anything. It’s been five months and I still hold onto the hope. I am not sure why. When do I draw the line. I guess it will be Monday. Everything just hangs in the balance.
So I took a walk today and swing on the swings at the park, swinging on the swings always gives me joy, perspective, helps me think. I feel a whole more hole than I felt in a very long time. I feel healthy and even sometimes more times than not I find myself smiling. It’s amazing how that feeling can just overcome and overtake you. It’s a really nice feeling to have. My soul doesn’t feel So shattered little by little it’s been healing itself without me even noticing not until this last week.
There’s a lot I don’t understand, a lot I’d like to understand, and things I just have to give up to God. I’ve been focusing on myself the right way this time not afraid phoenix was not good for me. I’m beginning to open up a lot more. I have people that I trust and I really supportive. I haven’t had that for a long time well for a while anyway. It seems like a long time. In reality though this is just a blip on the radar, I know I could do this and I am succeeding. I didn’t destroy my life I didn’t destroy my family it just changed and for me and how good I feel that’s a good thing. Because I couldn’t be much of a mom or wife if I wasn’t whole fight didn’t feel whole if I was binge drinking. Lying to myself lying to the people I love the most. Everything will work out just the way it’s supposed to. Faith in myself, hope for my future and the love of my life.
A lot of crazy things have happened. Apparently yesterday I was supposed to show up to the hearing but I had no documentation that I needed to be at the temporary orders hearing. So it was dismissed. I will redo it. I called an attorney that applied to my case on a website for lawyers. I’m calling him today at 4 PM. Conciliation counseling is next Monday, and I’m worried.
Mike used the suicide note that got sent that would have been before I left for treatment. I did find it on my computer it was sent but according to Outlook if something was in the queue and I turned off my computer because I was going to treatment that email when I turned on my computer on August 24 would’ve been sent. He is using an email from Camel Back Recovery Sober Living to him pretty much saying I fucking lost my mind. Because I went looking for an apartment I rented a car and used the word binge shopping and opening credit cards. I had the fucking credit cards already. I opened one!
The email reads…
Dear Michael during Shannon stay with Camel Back Recovery Sober Living to follow the basic house rules such as chores attending 12 step meetings and working with her sponsor. But towards the middle of her stay her decisions became erratic and spontaneous. There was no pausing when making major decisions. Such as purchasing enough furniture to furnish an apartment with no apartment lined up, renting cars to look for an apartment but in reality use them for 24 hours to go shopping binges and would open up new credit cards to do so. While Shannon was with us and her behavior became erratic she was taken to a higher level of care approximately 72 hours to keep her safe from herself and possibly others. A better report From the doctor. After Shannon 72 hour hold she was recommended to a higher level of care and refused and left our program.
The suicide note reads…
Dear Mike I do not know where to begin I’m an alcoholic. I need to get help and didn’t. I wish you would’ve pushed it more. I wish I wasn’t this far down the rabbit hole. I know you won’t be supportive and help me do this right and positive way. I don’t know why I can’t stop. I can’t figure out for the life of me why I just threw my life away and why I want to kill myself for what I’ve done. I don’t know if I want a life without you and Connor in it and I don’t know if I can. I need you both in this process so I get better, I know you won’t. You were done with me. Tell my son I love him to the moon and back and always well.
So there you have it he’s put to the judge that I’ve lost my fucking mind.
So I saw the therapist today. My knees are shaking my hands are shaking we talked about it we just briefly brushed on how I’m feeling my lack of self-worth. My lack of self-esteem. My catastrophize Ing which is over the top. He told me to stop catastrophize Ing because the judge hasn’t really made any huge decisions. And I Haven’t lost everything yet-haven’t lost my husband my son my life. But I did ask him or he asked me what my goals are and I did say… My goals are to stop being so sad and to learn to just be me alone in this world.
I had told him I had the perfect relationship perfect marriage, he informed me no marriage is perfect. I said well then it was great it was really good we held hands everywhere we talked we listened we we had it so good. He stated he didn’t understand why Mike was being so unkind so it couldn’t of been I mean it may have been but he goes it is it now.No it really isn’t I’m sick of being sad all the time and I just want my husband and my son back to be in my beautiful home. I don’t even know if that’s possible.
Good morning it’s a new month and great things will happen!
My letters are written and my job is set up! I’m ready for work September 6, 2022! I must tell Jenna today! She has a friend and I don’t want to lie to her.
I have to memorize a seven step poem for Sustany house. It goes something like this…
My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you remove from me every single defective character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen.
Sitting at Valero behavioral health. I came in today to enroll in classes and luckily I’m already going through their intake process. So that’s great I’m signing up for therapy, EOP which stands for extended outpatient program, and a psychiatrist. I’m so excited to get some things accomplished I wanted to. I didn’t know how before and no one would help. Where I’m at now they help me! They give me suggestions – they actually will give you a ride, and share – it’s amazing! They care and are passionate well I mean compassionate. Unlike all the other places they actually want you to succeed!!!
Woke up at 5 AM. Went to bed at 10 PM. Worked yesterday for American made in Prescott cleaning houses so I can pay for Sustany house rent I needed something because I really like it here. I feel safe. Safe like I did it Decision Point. The owner is so amazing! she actually got me the job to clean houses – all I had to do was ask! She is amazing and has amazing resources! She goes above and beyond to help out!
Yesterday, was a really good day! The gal who picked me up, Jenna was definitely a kindred spirit! She made me laugh and she was fun to be around. We had a Bill‘s Grill for lunch too. Boy, that was nice to eat out – seriously! I felt healthy again yesterday – not sad, not depressed, not 1 ounce of feeling hopeless. The whole thing was such a relief to my soul! Even cleaning help keep my brain clear! Just focused on a task get it done then move onto the next. Felicia will pick me up this morning as Jenna has court. So another day of cleaning houses!
I’m really excited to clean houses dash so my soul can heal a little bit more. Even while camping in the beautiful nature I kept myself isolated.I didn’t come out of my shell – I’m tired of being stuck in my shell! I know it’s not healthy for me! I’ve just been stuck there so long – maybe I didn’t know any different. I’m showered and clothes are in the dryer! At 7 AM and I’m ready to go! I love the way I feel this morning… I feel live in hall – by which I mean not stuck! I’m not vomiting when I brush my teeth or diarrhea every movement and eating food! Mostly I still eat like a bird, not yesterday though that burger was damn good! I loved it! Oh and I bought some dessert from Safeway fucking delicious
Arrived at Sustany Sober Living at 6 PM on August 23, 2022. Michael drove me here after doing some errands. I needed to get my laptop and passport and Social Security card from Mike’s attorneys office, and I needed to get my things from the Oxford house. Oxford house was a fiasco. They wouldn’t give me my things! I finally called the Prescott Valley police. They actually really moved really fast then! One of them said I stole from them – what the fuck did I steal? Who the fuck knows those girls were crazy! Needless to say they stole for me as I don’t have everything that’s OK. In the beginning I couldn’t understand and I would get angry when I couldn’t get my things. I’m getting used to it now! But the anger and look on their faces when an officer/deputy arrived priceless!
Sustany house is amazing the owner lives here and she really takes care of everyone. Some ladies have been here for a long time – it gives me hope I can last year! At least until I can get an apartment of my own! I filed for temporary orders. I filed for $2000 a month and $5000 in attorney fees in addition to the car. So I am writing a letter to the judge as we speak. Well I guess right would be more accurate in this case. I got somewhere yesterday –but it’s hard. There’s a fine line between emotion and facts and wanting to stay in a relationship with Mike, not trying to screw him over and trying to get help financially from him.