Snowing here in Prescott, Arizona. I love the snow it’s so clean and it’s like getting a new slate every time it happens. It has been a long journey getting here, but that’s OK. At some point I just started waking up on the right side of the bed. I’m not sad.there’s joy. There’s happiness, but most of all, I do know, my worth.
My friend Michael told me during part of this journey that….. One day I will feel better I will smile and laugh again. All of these things you thought you lost were meant to be lost (husband, house, etc.) He kept saying don’t let him scare you. I know you don’t feel like fighting anymore but you have to.
Though there’s a difference I didn’t think about. When I started, I was in complete survival mode about everything down to the last penny in my bank account and I was fighting. I’m not in survival mode anymore and I’m fighting.
if I never see my husband again I’m OK with that. I am perfectly fine actually. He gave me one last final gift, and that was to go through the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and stand on my own 2 feet and do it all without him. So for that I am thankful.
What I am fighting for is my son. I love him with all my heart and I’m fighting because I’m his Mother and I was and still am a good Mom. I am at the 10th month of not seeing him or hearing his sweet laughter.
I’m pretty protective now as to who I let in my inner circle. Who I tell anything about me too or let anyone know me. The walls around my heart are really high. I’m very guarded. My space, my body, my general circumference around myself is built like a fortress. I don’t wanna let just anybody in anymore. I had to rebuild myself and make me somebody that I truly genuinely wanted to be and I don’t have to let everybody see that. I know what I’m worth not everybody’s worthy. I have people that care for support me and love me and it’s probably just a handful and I’m OK with that in fact I am more than OK, that pleases me to no end. I get to have this brand new life I get experience new things. Eventually meet new people and learn to open my heart.
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