Happy, Sober Sunday! it’s been a relaxing weekend. I’ve done a lot of writing which is important to me. I want to finish this book years ago. I guess I was busy doing other things not focused I do have a lot of time on my hands that is true. True with all that’s taken place. But this is something I promised myself years ago I would do my husband even bought me a computer. I believe it was four years ago so I could get this task done not to mention the computer he bought before that so I could write. The words seem to come out easier now, now that I’m not plotting and planning when I’m going to drink next or soothing my head with a hangover or just trying to pretend. My head is clear my thoughts are clear I am writing with true intent.
This last week has been really hard. Maybe hard would be an understatement. What would’ve been my 19th wedding anniversary On January 10 this year didn’t come with flowers, chocolates, hotel stay, A nice dinner, or even a nice lunch. Instead, it was filled with beautiful memories in my head. That played over and over and over again all week like a broken record, but a good broken record. One that almost broke me because I felt so small.
In this journey, I have felt helpless, hopeless, and at times thought I wouldn’t make it but this week and the last 2 Weeks having court literally brought me to my knees. I found myself in the grocery store in the liquor aisle just staring at it. I contemplated it. I contemplated it. I contemplated it. But I am no way ever going to let anything else win but me. Yes, I do have a lot of things at stake If I do take that first drink. But the biggest thing I have at risk is losing myself again. I found my voice. I found my laughter. I found my strength. I found the fighter.
I am an alcoholic, and I will always be an alcoholic. I can’t change that. I can’t pretend that none of this even happened but I can’t change the way I look at the bottle on the shelf in the aisle of the grocery store. Because now when I look at it, I see something entirely different….I see sadness, I see red white and blue lights, I see court rooms, I see hotel rooms, I see a treatment center, and I see several sober living’s. I genuinely see, broken and scared and alone. But what I don’t see when I look at that bottle is my son’s face, the beautiful man I married… I can’t see what I already lost or what I let it take from me. It’s like an illusion a trick. It’s like your brain tries to trick itself and won’t let you see the things that you really hurt or lost. But I know it’s there I guess that’s the point. So yes, it was a very difficult week and I didn’t. It felt like all the other times I spent wondering why I even bothered in the first place if I was going to lose. But I know I’m not going to lose. I am winning every day.