Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

Resilient, Facetious, Felicitous

I say this because I have made it through so many obstacles in my way thus far in my 8 1/2 months of recovery. I’m doing great being sober, somedays I’m thrown curveballs. I’ve learned to live with less but want more spiritually…Yoga and Meditation. I’ve learned to relax my ego on what people may think of me, of what is being said, of what I have or don’t and focus on my here and now. I laugh more than cry. I’m silly even downright ridiculous at times. I have been changing and accepting. I have grown more from this experience alone than I ever thought I would.

Whatever has been thrown my way I take it with ease. Nothing can compare the first 30 days. The leg cramps, not eating, not sleeping, the angst, depression, genuine discomfort in my own skin. Then I rounded to 60 days, then 90 days. I had changed my hair style and color, got tattoos, piercings, new clothes and It didn’t get better. Until about 120 days in when I stopped walking down the same street and falling in the same hole. I changed direction and choose a different street then it all got better.

My therapist told me in the very beginning when I started seeing him at about the fourth month that I don’t know why I thought my life was so perfect before when it wasn’t. I was drinking and making myself completely miserable and hiding it making promises I wasn’t keeping because I just couldn’t stop the feeling I had when I’m drunk. He said the headspace that you’re in now the unknown that’s the street you should be on focusing on the here, the now and not falling in the same old patterns, and he was right I stopped taking all the depression medication’s all the antianxiety medication‘s And I started to feel again. So there is NO woe is me attitude….it’s what do I have to do. What do I have to get done? Who do I have to talk to you and how am I going to get that accomplished?

I’m almost to 9 months I go on hikes, walk into meetings by myself, I have people. I do not have to pretend anymore! I do not need to pretend anymore. 51 years old and I’m finally comfortable being me, I am an alcoholic and I will not let alcohol control me. Now, the divorce wakes me up most nights and not seeing my son that just eats at a mom’s soul. Yet, I couldn’t have them present while I was making my mindset to change, or I may never got here. I honestly never thought I would, to be honest. All my obstacles, setbacks BUT I took that Tsunami sized wave and I alone had to ride it to shore.

I’m still in it, so to speak, but this too shall pass. If I had my family, I may not have been able to see my own change through. I will eventually have a courteous relationship with my husband, and I will see my son. They will always and forever be my loves.