I bought the oven bags I went to Ace and I got the tubing and the good ties all that’s left is the helium tank my full prescription of gabapentin. That should take care of it. I need to write my notes tonight get the helium in the morning and double check to make sure I have everything I need. Nothing is worth anything if I can’t have my son I just lost the love of my life and my son, The pure love of my son. The house manager at Sustany house told me my son will forever hate me and nothing I can do ever be right. So it just really don’t think there’s any reason there’s none my husband wants to make sure I have nothing so I will die with nothing I plan on making myself some white trash tacos and I did buy a pack of Marbro lights even though I haven’t splurge like that in a while to figure what the fuck I might as well enjoy a smoke right!. Tell her to have a nice life is all he said there’s no closure there’s no why he changed his mind… And then he’s fighting me on everything I just don’t understand nor do I want to understand if that’s the way it’s gonna be for the rest of my life. I thought about this for days and days and days well since Monday. I spent a couple hours in My favorite Place the library I sat in an awesome chair and I stared out into the architecture it was lovely. Walking in the rain my God I love the rain I love swinging in the rain I don’t think I have time to do that but I do love it so. I was thinking about finishing my book I don’t even see why I should even bother really it’s not worth it probably won’t amount to much anyway. That’s probably how my things you bought me the damn computer so I could write my book he probably thinks it’s lousy I gave him a copy to read he never said a word so yeah it’s probably lousy. I can’t stop crying while I write this. A dead mom is probably better than a loser mom right. There’s no redemption for me and there’s probably no coming back from this no one knows who I am no one cares I’m all alone.

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