Day 156 September 19, 2022

Well conciliation counseling was today at 10 AM. It did not go well not for me anyway. Might listen to the mediators discussion of what we discussed and basically said “I hope she has a nice life with her sobriety“. That’s it! No explanation as to why he said he wanted to reconcile and he’s not wanting to know when did that change did I do something to make you change your mind. Can I get any explanation so I can have some closureAnything, anything… Yeah I got nothing! I know I should’ve seen the writings on the wall I should’ve just read my journal over and over the way Mike Did the things that he did kind of forewarned how he was really feeling inside. From the beginning I cried because I knew he would be gone and I did hold Help but in the back of my mind there is always that… The D word… Divorce. I don’t know what I’m going to do next. But I’m doing good I’m not questioning my sobriety at all. Which brings me to the next item of irritation today or sadness or it’s just really mixed emotions and I can’t figure out which emotion I want first..

So we read the book it’s really a great book didn’t help at all. So I don’t know what to do with the book now because I surely don’t want to be in another relationship.just saying great book but for me I needed reading time no time spent or should have been spent reading this book.

So here are the questions and statements I never got to actually hand Mike or ask him about because I didn’t realize how the meeting was going to be run with a shuttle person since there’s an order of protection but anyway this is my questions and statements. I never got to ask nor did I ever go a chance. He was done before it started.

So I read my “Kendra“ repair me plan. For those of you who don’t know Kendra was my therapist at Decision Point and she said it’s a repair me plan what are you gonna do that’s different that is just you. They all thought Mike was bipolar and all he would do is spew out demands Adam or screaming at the phone so anyway I digress. My repair me plan…

I wrote the plan I guess it’s time for me to start using it. But I don’t think number one giving up my control and letting somebody else take it that was meant for Mike so I calm down and I think he’s taken enough control. I like …nothing defines me like me and I am worth love self respect and dignity.

I tell everyone what happened and they ask if “more” (infidelity, abuse, etc) took place because for Mike to be acting this way and throwing it all away is asinine. However that is exactly what is/ has happened. If he would have seen me during this I’m sure it would have been different. Yet here we are! It’s over. He wants to proceed with the divorce. so I won’t need my nine step letters.

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