Day 154 September 17, 2022

Today is recovery day or an I am with The booth for the house I’m at. Living in sober living especially this Sober Living is a lot different than before we laugh, we get angry at ourselves, but most of all we’re all open with each other. All the girls at my house aren’t afraid to get real and tell the ugly truths. Some of the other Sober Living’s I was at they weren’t that way there wasn’t any comfort and openness. That’s important. We have confidentialities not just out in public with each other. We can tell a story and know that it’s safe and it’s not going anywhere else and that no one is judging.

I think that has been my hardest part of all the judging and not being able to tell the truth of not just how I’m feeling but what transpired. Since I started this five months ago I have grown leaps and bounds. It’s not easy doing the steps. Step four resentments where you have to really look at yourself in the mirror but I’m now working on my step nine. I’m going to try to have it done before I meet with Mike on Monday. I will own up to all of it. I’m scared about Monday by the way, conciliation counseling. Is he going to participate with me is he going to try. I don’t know. I sure hope so though.

Normally I get list to gather and questions I’m going to want to ask or answer the questions that might get asked… This time I haven’t. I want this to go just the way it supposed to go. I don’t want to get it set in my brain that everything needs to go one way or the other. I want to be open and receptive and honest. And I probably won’t even give Mike the night stamp letter until it’s near the end and we’re about to leave. Lying to my own outcome. Who would’ve thought I would feel so amazing, so healthy so fantastic I’m not drinking. It really does feels amazing. I look amazing too I hope that I get to see Mike early as he gets to see me it’s only for a moment I don’t know if you will we’re doing conciliation counseling separated because of the restraining order. And a whole entire different note they are serving hotdogs here at the recovery day but I instead chose to eat six Costco chocolate chip cookies much more satisfying. I’m over kind of in a corner blogging as I’m really not much for large crowds specially large crowds of recovery people but nonetheless I’m here.

I’ve been coloring a lot lately with my gel pens to get my mind off of Monday and everything else that seems to cloud up my mind and I catastrophize about. Maybe that’s why I’m not making lists and writing out questions or answers to questions that may have been… I don’t want to catastrophize.The coloring really does help though really does help a lot. Keeps my mind occupied and positive and fresh. I wanna go to bed I have beautiful happy wonderful dreams that’s what I’m staying focused on coloring and my beautiful dreams there’s just the hours in between that I try to stay focused on the positive.

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