Day 152 September 15, 2022

Giving up some control in allowing someone else to take the reins and just relax. I have a really hard time with that and I think for the most part that’s what’s gotten me in the most trouble. I stopped drinking but I seem to have fucked everything up more than I did when I was drinking. Anything and everything that could go wrong or sideways has I know I said it before I feel like I’m back in college all alone.

I made stupid mistakes back then really dumb careless. Yet the mistakes I’m making now aren’t dumb they’re not calculated they’re not manipulated they’re just things that happened I can’t even explain or talk or say how I feel to anybody that’s important to me. All they believe is what they believe is none sense. I try to write a letter no response I tried to send a text no response. I get it I do… I made a mistake…Granted a big one. Have you ever felt like they tell you to put it in God’s hands and let him take control it is his will and what will happen will happen and it’s all for the best… Just relax and let God do his work. That’s not working out so well for me. Just relax not working out so well for me. Just focus on your recovery. Well at some point I wish they could just relax and do that but I can’t I haven’t been able to since I started this I’m running on Mike’s demands or I was and then nothing.Well at some point I wish they could just relax and do that but I can’t I haven’t been able to since I started this I’m running on Mike’s demands or I was and then nothing.

So I try to get some thing and learn something out of every mishap or mistake. But I’m really having trouble learning anything. So yes this time I’m giving up all control and I guess whatever happens happens I don’t know how much more I can take. I just don’t know. But I’m letting go. Just soaking it all in. It’s gods well that I am to be alone well then I guess that’s it.Just soaking it all in. It’s gods well that I am to be alone well then I guess that’s it.

I’m becoming a bit more spiritual with myself and believe that whatever outcome I will be OK it has to be right. Whoever’s out there and whoever’s listening I need you.

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