Day 151 September 14, 2022

I am enough.

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on how I wanna approach this conciliation. I don’t even know if Mike will say anything to me. Or if you have more demands or if you won’t offer anything at all. I have to be OK with this. I texted my mom today and told her that I loved her, no reply. I did get a reply from my grandpa though that was nice. The owner of Sustany has tried calling my father for me of course he didn’t answer.

On a different note it’s sad, I’ve been thinking about Mike and my son all day. I wanted to call Mike every time I took a break. Tell him how my day is to tell him what trainings like how crazy the cash office is in balancing all those registers and the safe and everything else it’s nuts. But I can’t I can’t tell him anything. It’s been five months and I still hold onto the hope. I am not sure why. When do I draw the line. I guess it will be Monday. Everything just hangs in the balance.

So I took a walk today and swing on the swings at the park, swinging on the swings always gives me joy, perspective, helps me think. I feel a whole more hole than I felt in a very long time. I feel healthy and even sometimes more times than not I find myself smiling. It’s amazing how that feeling can just overcome and overtake you. It’s a really nice feeling to have. My soul doesn’t feel So shattered little by little it’s been healing itself without me even noticing not until this last week.

There’s a lot I don’t understand, a lot I’d like to understand, and things I just have to give up to God. I’ve been focusing on myself the right way this time not afraid phoenix was not good for me. I’m beginning to open up a lot more. I have people that I trust and I really supportive. I haven’t had that for a long time well for a while anyway. It seems like a long time. In reality though this is just a blip on the radar, I know I could do this and I am succeeding. I didn’t destroy my life I didn’t destroy my family it just changed and for me and how good I feel that’s a good thing. Because I couldn’t be much of a mom or wife if I wasn’t whole fight didn’t feel whole if I was binge drinking. Lying to myself lying to the people I love the most. Everything will work out just the way it’s supposed to. Faith in myself, hope for my future and the love of my life.

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