Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

A lot of crazy things have happened. Apparently yesterday I was supposed to show up to the hearing but I had no documentation that I needed to be at the temporary orders hearing. So it was dismissed. I will redo it. I called an attorney that applied to my case on a website for lawyers. I’m calling him today at 4 PM. Conciliation counseling is next Monday, and I’m worried.

Mike used the suicide note that got sent that would have been before I left for treatment. I did find it on my computer it was sent but according to Outlook if something was in the queue and I turned off my computer because I was going to treatment that email when I turned on my computer on August 24 would’ve been sent. He is using an email from Camel Back Recovery Sober Living to him pretty much saying I fucking lost my mind. Because I went looking for an apartment I rented a car and used the word binge shopping and opening credit cards. I had the fucking credit cards already. I opened one!

The email reads…

Dear Michael during Shannon stay with Camel Back Recovery Sober Living to follow the basic house rules such as chores attending 12 step meetings and working with her sponsor. But towards the middle of her stay her decisions became erratic and spontaneous. There was no pausing when making major decisions. Such as purchasing enough furniture to furnish an apartment with no apartment lined up, renting cars to look for an apartment but in reality use them for 24 hours to go shopping binges and would open up new credit cards to do so. While Shannon was with us and her behavior became erratic she was taken to a higher level of care approximately 72 hours to keep her safe from herself and possibly others. A better report From the doctor. After Shannon 72 hour hold she was recommended to a higher level of care and refused and left our program.

The suicide note reads…

Dear Mike I do not know where to begin I’m an alcoholic. I need to get help and didn’t. I wish you would’ve pushed it more. I wish I wasn’t this far down the rabbit hole. I know you won’t be supportive and help me do this right and positive way. I don’t know why I can’t stop. I can’t figure out for the life of me why I just threw my life away and why I want to kill myself for what I’ve done. I don’t know if I want a life without you and Connor in it and I don’t know if I can. I need you both in this process so I get better, I know you won’t. You were done with me. Tell my son I love him to the moon and back and always well.

So there you have it he’s put to the judge that I’ve lost my fucking mind.

So I saw the therapist today. My knees are shaking my hands are shaking we talked about it we just briefly brushed on how I’m feeling my lack of self-worth. My lack of self-esteem. My catastrophize Ing which is over the top. He told me to stop catastrophize Ing because the judge hasn’t really made any huge decisions. And I Haven’t lost everything yet-haven’t lost my husband my son my life. But I did ask him or he asked me what my goals are and I did say… My goals are to stop being so sad and to learn to just be me alone in this world.

I had told him I had the perfect relationship perfect marriage, he informed me no marriage is perfect. I said well then it was great it was really good we held hands everywhere we talked we listened we we had it so good. He stated he didn’t understand why Mike was being so unkind so it couldn’t of been I mean it may have been but he goes it is it now.No it really isn’t I’m sick of being sad all the time and I just want my husband and my son back to be in my beautiful home. I don’t even know if that’s possible.