Day 99 July 26, 2022

FORGIVENESS

I’m not the first to forgive, to hold a grudge. But I expect those around me to forgive me right away. Normally, Mike doesn’t forgive right away – he eventually does – but not this time. I’m writing so much about him. I know he will never forgive me – he may let go, but he will never forgive. Will he ever be at a place he can’t be near me, see me, love me again? I know I hold help, but hope can fade – disappear. 170 days without them and I’m desperate – and Mike knows I’m desperate. I cannot fix this no matter how hard I try. But I am trying? Is he allowing me to try? Before I don’t think I was trying – maybe I need to put a better foot forward. I haven’t really done anything for allowing Mike and my son to want to forgive me! That is my biggest problem. How do I do that is my next attempt/contemplation/problem. I’m writing him and well try to do that daily. I don’t believe that’s the answer but it can be a start! A start of something anyway. Who knows if he will ever read them. I need to write my son. My son deserves a very long letter and to hear what I have to say! As I need to hear and acknowledge when he has to as well! My son needs to get it off his chest. Even yell at me – whatever!. My son deserves a very long letter and to hear what I have to say! As I need to hear and acknowledge when he has to as well! My son needs to get it off his chest. Even yell at me – whatever! I don’t care just as long as he is and will be OK. I am worried sick about him!

Yesterday was tumultuous! To say the least I walked over 12 miles and rode a bike 2 miles this morning I had a tough go getting up! I have a huge problem with transportation. We’re gets out at 10:30 PM and I have no way to get home and biking 6 miles after walking that much around Lowe’s is not good idea – especially because I go through a really rough neighborhood – and I mean really rough! I’m in the ghetto. I’m going to have to Uber or Lyft home …well home I guess Just to get home from the shift I’m not sure how to do that so I will have to finagle. Or just tell the truth even though I look like an asshole at the moment. I don’t want people to know what I’m going through. Not work! It makes me look like I’m undependable or worse for that matter “loser “so I am trying to put my best foot forward. Seems like a challenge though! Everything is a fucking challenge. Mike made my life so easy; yes, I know he asked me to do one thing “not “drink – I know, I know, I know! I am a big asshole, loser, shithead. Yeah I could go on and on and on! Forgiveness I truly have started to forgive myself and I need to let Mike and Connor process – will they forgive me? Will they want me back? I can only pray now. Pray to God, his parents, my grandparents, etc. Yes I do pray to mine and his deceased/having parents and mine too. I know they are looking down upon us.

I do wonder if Mike never forgive me and we are never together again if I will drink – I have my son if I even get that too but will I? I don’t want to but sometimes I think about that. If a tree falls in the woods when no one is around watching it doesn’t make a sound? I know it’s best for me… My family – but if I can’t have when I go back to my evil ways? I don’t know, but it’s something I’ve thought about is all.

So now to the home situation! I desperately need to find a place to live. A place to actually call home while home for me at the moment I home for now. I really do I sleep myself so having my own room with roommates would be OK – for now until I can straighten out my finances. I really need to go and straighten those out too. Before I gets too big of a problem. I need a second job or some thing to do so but I will need transportation for all of this. I need a goddamn drivers license too! Christ this whole thing sucks! My mail gets delivered to two different houses and I can’t change that without a drivers license. My God why is this taking so long it’s been more than 10 days will I ever get my drivers license… I guess it’s only been nine business days today but come on so let’s make a chess list of all the shit I need to do.

Just got a call from the old House manager and I biked 8 miles today I am exhausted. I’m going to take a trazodone to make sure I sleep through the night. To make sure my body heals itself so I can make it through tomorrow shift.

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