Day 93 July 19, 2022

I’m going to start or at least try something new! My prayers for the day. So I can put everything out into the universe. Celebrate each day whether it be learning something new or just a learning curve or just out of sheer necessity to just get up and make it through the day! This is also not to be in vain! It is only said through the purest of heart and longing of my soul to heal and heal those close to me and around me.

With all my love dear David, Gloria, and grandma Bernadine,

I am sorry I hurt the ones I love most by myself as consumption of alcohol. I pray that Mike and Connor will learn and grow from my greatest mistake/huge actually and that I may grow as well. I know I think about alcohol often and want to feel free from this pain I caused Dash help me to overcome that. My desire not to drink is great. I need to never drink again or think of it and grand you’re wanting that it will make my pains my suffering from what I caused go away. Help me and guide me. Please I do not want Mike and Connor to ever suffer again. And I mean ever! that I can paint a pack back to their hearts. My love is great. I know they miss me as much as I miss them! Please help me find a way to be with my family again. Have to be strong for me. I use them so much to be strong. Please bring them back into my life, our life. Pray for my mom and dad. I don’t understand them as years go bye and I understand them less. It could have been my choices but I can pray for them. Please pray for my grandpa to come I love him so much. I’m sure he broke his heart as well.

I love you, Shannon

Dear God,

Guide me please, with your help I can walk the right path. I cannot drink alcohol. Help me get me through my thoughts to leave me back to drinking. I want so badly to be a part of my family- to live along side in the purest of happiness I know we can have. Allow Mike to see me. If he sees me he won’t know – understand. Help us friends to help Pam through this with positive light on his soul. I broke my husband and only I can fix that part of him. Please allow me the chance. I know him and I know his heart. It is broken. No more anger. It’s not good.

Amen, Shannon

I said 6.5 hours last night. I don’t know how I feel but I don’t feel as restless today. I hope my altered reality does not come back today or ever again. I need to be in the here and now with both feet planted on the ground and how I am right here for a purpose to learn and grow – as Kia would say. I miss that guy!

I need to get my stuff out of the garage – I know it angers Mike but I have no money to offer anyone to drive me up there and fetch it. I know it angers Mike. I know when he doesn’t see it he will Dash start to lose anger. I know him so well – too well to be putting him through and my son what I’ve been putting them through. What I am. My son needs to his mom and Mike needs a wife a partner. I always put his mind in a better place – I need to do so again. We need each other.

I love my family!

Pumpkin chocolate chip muffins is what I’m craving…

Super yummy

Well, it’s time. It’s time to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I’m going to form any part of/resemblance of my life, I better get back to work! Lowe’s hired me/transferred me to Mesa, but I’m not back on the schedule. Why? Who the fuck knows. I sure as shit don’t and I called the motherfuckers. As you can tail I’m pissed off. So I need to borrow a dollar to get on the fucking bus. Do you go to express employment and 849 Dobson St. to speak to Aubrey bus 61 Dobson/Southern the 96 just passed AutoZone., it’s time. It’s time to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I’m going to form any part of/resemblance of my life, I better get back to work! Lowe’s hired me/transferred me to Mesa, but I’m not back on the schedule. Why? Who the fuck knows. I sure as shit don’t and I called the motherfuckers. As you can tail I’m pissed off. So I need to borrow a dollar to get on the fucking bus. Do you go to express employment and 849 Dobson St. to speak to Aubre.

Question what do I need to make my current dream a reality? “God can do anything, you know Dash far more than you could ever imagine or gas or request in your wildest dreams “ Ephesians 3:20

Get a job, pay my bills, consolidate loans – I have a lot to do I will probably be homeless without no cell phone – but I can’t do this I know I can! I’ve been listening to motivational speech is. There are three I listen to the most, here’s one now:

Lonewolf by Fearless Motivation

It’s not easy going alone. But if you keep going, stay true to yourself… It will be worth it in the end. The hardest want you can make is the walk you make alone, but that is the walk that makes you the strongest. That is the walk the builds your character the most.

To all you fighting battles alone, to all of you going against the grain, battling the naysayers,

stay strong, keep going

stay strong, keep going!

This walk is hard, but the hardest walks lead to the greatest destinations. The toughest climbs always lead to the best views. It will be worth it in the end and if you show what you’re made of, the right people will show up in your life. You won’t be alone will forever. You have qualities only few can admire, because most don’t possess.

You have the strength only if you can understand because most have never experienced.

So don’t give in

Don’t settle

Don’t lower your expectations to fit into the world. You were born to stand out! You were born to lead. Lead the pack. They say the wolf on the hill is never as hungry as the wolf climbing the hill. Always be that wolf climbing the hill. Always hungry for more. Always hungry to grow, to feed your mind., And rise to the highest level you can take yourself.

Never looking back!

It doesn’t matter if you have to walk alone for a while. It is better to walk alone in the right direction, then to follow the herd walking in the wrong direction.

Stay strong

Be different

Your destiny is in your hands! Get out there and hunt it!

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