Day 91 July 17, 2022

My Daily Focus

How am I mentally?

Emotionally anguished – Beaten – sad – a constant sad

How am I physically?

Rested, I feel strong, strong enough to push through another day

How many spiritually?

Still thinking about yesterday – but many prayers

What are my goals?

Blogging right/step two and three in Dharma

What is my affirmation/greatness/gratitude?

I’d say Mike for pushing me – but he’s not pushing anymore I guess I just have the will to go on and find the hope in the day

I slept good! I slept about 5 1/2 hours. I woke up sad but I always wake up sad – it’s become my theme song and it’s carried throughout my day.

I realize some thing the other day. How sad for Mike to take away from this that we cannot be stronger – that I won’t be stronger, but I am. I am still here fighting. He wants to take everything away from me. I get angry, but he couldn’t have ever loved me that much – could he have? I actually have sadness for him in that regards. No amount of coercion, begging, and pleading will stop or aid in his/on his behalf. I genuinely need to let him go. I don’t think he will ever be back. If you wanted to come back, but I forget? With this whole thing genuinely make a stronger? Maybe I am holding onto something we never had in the first place. Maybe my Granger thoughts of love really do not exist. Maybe I’m just and have been talking out of my ass about everything. Maybe I want it so badly I can’t see the truth right in front of me. I don’t know? I do know my heart cannot take any more heartache.

I need to make peace. However that may be and to what extend that is… I cannot be healthy if I cannot find the piece. I am only 51 years old – and I feel like I can’t go on – but I am going on – do I really never want to have joy, joy in myself? I may not ever have the love I thought I did – strong enough to whether even the worst storm, it obviously is not. I know I am enough to get by – maybe not completely through this but I’m going to stay/stick around I need to be present here now for the people who are here and now with me. The people who care. Not my lasses. If they are lost for good – it’s gone and by dwelling I’m only hurting myself, and even losing more – the people that do give a shit. I push them away to, then where I be? I get with Kendra meant now, I do miss her. She said “there are people here that do love you.“ They are the ones that are here I need to focus on! That Kendra she is wise! I hope she knows not all is lost on me! I’m sad to know it’s over. This is just the plan all along I’m just concerned my son just left in the balance. But horrible things Mike says when he thinks my son or his friends, I do miss her. She said “there are people here that do love you.“ They are the ones that are here I need to focus on! That Kendra she is wise! I hope she knows not all is lost on me! I’m sad to know it’s over. This is just the plan all along I’m just concerned my son just left in the balance. But horrible things Mike says when he thinks my son or his friends, I do miss her. She said “there are people here that do love you.“ They are the ones that are here I need to focus on! That Kendra she is wise! I hope she knows not all is lost on me! I’m sad to know it’s over. This is just the plan all along I’m just concerned my son just left in the balance. But horrible things Mike says when he thinks my son or his friends cannot hear.

Tumultuous I am sure. My son already hates me and has no respect for me Dash I should’ve never slept in. I would never have if I wasn’t drunk actually inebriated I was in stumbling about Dash but still. Make screaming as he always does Dash whatever about Mike. My kid hopefully one day we want to spend time with me. My heart breaks don’t see him or hear in his voice. All the things I’ve missed in three months I’m glad I was a stay at home mom – I’m glad I was there for all of his first those are beautiful and special memories. They are just my memories.

Now to the pink elephant on the couch. My kids want to divorce for years. He always says in arguments he should’ve never married me. He talks constantly down to me. He constantly yells at me. There is never going to be any getting back together, my God I was put in a mental institution for three days and that’s when he signed the official divorce paperwork and documents and have them submitted. He didn’t care I was kicked out of him about it because I had “thoughts” not actions or would act upon, but thought of… Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around. He didn’t care at all. He called Spero only to find out the address to serve me my papers and papers left me with absolutely nothing and sort of my son. He’s treating me like I’m some sort of predator. So yes it’s over he is gone with me.

As we speak he is running my credit he has always been financially abusive. He made me sign papers to remove me from our joint account so he could be the only one – so in charge of money. It’s really sad. He doesn’t want me anymore if we truly did Dash it would be different. So he will always be my love of my life – but I was never is, that is factual an evidence-based. My whole life isn’t at her nightmare. Trust no one ever! I don’t trust my parents and haven’t for years. I don’t trust Mike. My God I don’t even trust anything – except for me, whom I’m becoming. I have trustworthy relationship with friends now.

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