Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

On the bus with my bike headed to meet Chris for IOP. I will give Mike an ROI – even though I’ll doubt he’ll use it. It will cost me $1000 I will need to pay monthly. It’s a 90 day program. I’m really committed to my sobriety. so I will stay at sober living until IOP is finished. I got my petition for dissolution sent today with one day under the wire of the 20 days mark. So hopefully it will count. I am asking for an obscene amount of money. In lieu of conciliation, mediation, family therapy, individual therapy and couples counseling – whatever – the proper name! I don’t know if you agree or not? I sure hope so! My anxiety meds just kicked in and I’m feeling amazing. They help so very much! Charlotte gave me a coloring book to color and so I am excited to take my anxiety with gel pens. I’m still incredibly heartbroken but I’m not sure if mike is? I’m pretty fucking sad! I miss him so much! I miss my son so very much! I’m constantly wondering what they are doing.

I wonder what this I hope you will be like? I hope it’s like the one at Camelback so far that was the best one for me. So far – maybe I should say classes anyway! Road all the way there 8.9 miles away for miles on the bus and Chris wasn’t there – he works remotely on Saturday.

I just got my 90 day chip at the 8 PM meeting a road to recovery. I lifted here but will take the bus back! Wish me luck on that one, Rich recovery meetings are just like the meetings and meeting you would think of. Like the kind of meetings that are in television shows or movies. Something like the TV show flaked, mom or shameless, when a Man loves a woman, 28 days. It’s not just the location for the people as well. This isn’t a bad thing don’t get me wrong with people are great. Location well it’s not the best part of town and it’s next to a Goodwill. I go to this meeting more frequently than others, I prefer others – more relatable. But because it’s close for miles close. The closest meeting on a bicycle, bus or walking leaves me with a little choice. Since we do five meetings a week at the sober living it’s kind of my place to go. It said there was a speaker last night on blue chair night but there was no speaker. Honestly I was looking forward to at least that aspect. The same people always speak.This one very old gentleman must be my grandfather’s age or near – man, he can talk and talk. He doesn’t say the same stories but he never forgets a word or reader digest that shit.

Something interesting happened last evening I read an email from Padre Amon his angelic mailing list. Now I loved her late horoscope says shit like that. I mean I don’t completely buy into it, but let’s face it I’m all into Hope and signed these days – so it makes sense for me. It reads and I am only giving the highlights so bear with me and you can laugh your ass off at any time.

“Shannon marvelous dream the memory of which is still very sharp. You were standing, your hair was bathed in a bluish light in the magnificent garden graced with a blossoming trees, golden fruits, and green plants. Magnificent silver highlights… All right so he’s painting a really pretty picture right…

It goes on to talk about my guardian angel, Caliel, And how Kelly L spoke to him. Caliel says through Padre (of course take this with a grain of salt). What awaits you is matchless happiness. And it goes on… It would appear indeed, that, without your knowledge, a malevolent life force, capable of reversing the proper order of things, has been existing for quite some time now a hostile energy meant to force you present life to a stagnant misfortune… I’d like to meet this malevolent force I thought it was vodka I’m not sure who it is but I’m gonna beat the shit out of them if this is all they’re doing.

OK so here’s where it gets a little how can I say I’ve stretched it just a bit like I said I am trying to find a lot of hope here…

I was 19 almost 20 – I hours of it. I was waiting for my friend Bethany to get off work and be Dalton books – when I met this person. I can’t tell you now whether male or female – but they were evil. Once that encounter happens I can’t remember all the details but my life turned to shit. If there’s a small portion of a circumstance they can go awry it most definitely does for me – and bad – not like an oops, but I goddamn downright bad. I haven’t had luck or go lucky for that matter and sometime. No I don’t think that’s how my drinking went bad or Mike and And die – well not. It’s just interesting is all. I’d like my life force back, but not for $49. It did however made me think of all the times I fucked up, even the time things went horribly wrong when they shouldn’t have. Maybe I just have bad mojo or just genuine poor decisions – or a series of poor decisions in my life. Well pondering this and definitely saying some prayers tonight. Until tomorrow