Day 85 July 11, 2022

Today is my son’s birthday! He is 14 years old today! He was a tough cookie to get into this world… All aspects including the 18 hours of labor I took! However I bake that gorgeous cookie just right amount of time. He is amazing! He definitely looks a lot like his dad, but he got both of our best features… He is so smart, caring, loving, never gets in too much trouble… Just basic kid stuff you know messy room and such… A little procrastination but that’s typical boy stuff too! Oh and so handsome, too! I’m missing all of it! It’s been 93 days 93 days since I slapped him across the face for holding me down and a jujitsu move, because Mike was apparently hiding the keys the car keys from me. Mike allowed him to do this? Sadly I don’t remember. I do remember slapping him, that seems to be the slats heard around the world. I remember very little of that night after Mike found my cocktail that I spilled. You see in my loving has been found me cleaning it up and asked to help that’s when he smelt it in the argument and screaming pursued! It’s in pieces I can only remember but what I did to my son is unfathomable. Not illegal. Not child abuse. Not child endangerment. I looked up the statutes. Nonetheless it was and is my greatest failure I will continue to be myself out for work for the rest of my life. I’ve just lost everything.

There’s no coming back from this. All of my great mom moments – forever gone. All of my special moments we shared, destroyed. Everything in one fell swoop swoop – poof!

Just like I wake up every morning and a twin bed and do not know where I am. This is too much. My very next spot, then my husband, all of it like a wave crashing over me. It’s a good morning let’s have another pathetic day of living. I cry myself to sleep and again all day long I’ve cried for 93 days straight.

There’s no reconciliation of marriage. There is no never seeing my child again. I have to pay for my own attorney, so there won’t be any attorney. A $3.99 bottle of sped vodka – I’ve lost my soul, my being, my life, my heart – it’s gone why am I still here. I still really I want today. I can’t fight this, I can’t win.

I love them both so much. My person will definitely never be the same. I know I will never drink again. What do they say about change again – I mean the real change – the change that actually happens! Traumatic experiences. I believe that is part of it… Let’s see…

The lawyers I contacted before us at all money is ours regardless. Also they asked about other assets I was not fourth right – I did say we are in a house. Mike may not know this but I will never take the house away from my husband who had built for us – he worked so hard – his whole life to achieve that. I am heartbroken, but I’m not stupid and that would make Connor not have a home. I don’t want Connor living in an apartment or condominium or such like type housing. I may be discontinued but I am not hopefully mean. I just want Connor to have his room, the room when I decorated and I’ll Godzilla. The one I made the quilt for. The one I specifically picked out as his upon purchasing and building our house.

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