Day 61-65 June 17-21st, 2022

Please Beware. This post is very long and emotional for myself and may upset.

Bakers act anyone ever heard of it. 72 hours in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts

June 17th, 2022 starts like every other day

9:30 AM to 11:30 AM morning process

How am I feeling mentally?

I’m good I’m alert

How am I physically?

Well I’m not too tired

How am I feeling spiritually?

I prayed yesterday and I meditated

How am I and what am I goals for the day

I have 10 tons of appointments, a lot of meetings, I need to go to Lowe’s, Finding an apartment.

What is my affirmation greatness and Gratitude?

I’m going to be a successful writer and blogger

Is it a choice or is it? Seems to be the big debate I Have with Mikehad with Mike?Is it a choice or is it? Seems to be the big debate I had with Mike?

Yes physically no but no physically I can say no it’s the mental part the part that I like it! I wish Mike would understand I wish my family members would understand I wish somebody would just take the time to understand me and just listen to me for once.

Today is going well. I rented a car – wow I am in love with the Dodge charger. I’d like it to wait and how it sits very well or wheelbase balanced with the power of the engine!

So I’m excited to run errands today. I need to find an apartment and get information regarding my spreadsheet and budget.

I did black out poetry today which is where you read the words pick out favorite word to word you like and then it makes a poem.

I got the phone call from Lizzie to come back and go to the center. I need to get back there by a certain time frame I believe it was 3 o’clock. I was just finishing up with a leasing agent about different apartments in the area that she knew I had that were leasing. And how the Leasing works in Phoenix. I drove back to the office why was met by Nina another gentleman with a psychiatrist on teleconference. They had already called Mike and told him that I rented a car. And that furniture had been delivered to the sober living. I had ordered the furniture because I didn’t know what was going to happen if Mike was even going to talk to me ever or just get me an apartment and throw me in it. Mike told Nina and the other gentleman that he was done I just started crying. He wouldn’t pay for any more of the sober living and camelback and he wanted nothing to do with me. I just started crying why doesn’t he love me. They said I completely did would Mike didn’t want me to do. But Nina also told me that she in the very beginning can’t control or ask me to do anything of the sort and yet she still called Mike and told him. I couldn’t stop crying. The psychiatrist on the phone started asking me a whole bunch of questions why I was compulsively buying why rent a car. Then Nina said Mike wanted a budget and I was supposed to get that done. He said he’s been waiting for it and I said why did you just tell me last evening that I had to do this budget. That’s why I rented a car so I can get it done. I don’t know why Mike use the ROI to tell all these people all these things and they couldn’t be bothered to tell me but then that’s my fault. They said they want to try some new drugs on me to call me down and to treat me for bipolar.

Because I had asked the question or talked about with my therapist at camelback the fact that I felt my family would be better off without me if I wasn’t here. I have and have had these thoughts since this happened. I’ve never physically hurt myself but I have seriously thought about it. So the psychiatrist and I along with the other people in the room started talking about my suicidal thoughts. I had discussed that I had brought razors to the bathroom before. To be specific my husband‘s razors because he uses very sharp razors in his razor. I hate even one’s taking a gun out of the safe. I never did anything and I didn’t use them but I had in the past. I can get really blue, especially after drinking and an argument. I don’t believe Mike knows any of this because I’ve never discussed it. I called the wet if blues. Think of anything negative and I will take it all the way I will catastrophize it. I will personalize it. And I will cry.

So I’m sitting crying feeling that I don’t have a husband that loves me anymore it isn’t supporting any more of my treatment and now I have to talk about my “what if’s”. And how long I’ve been suicidal. Once that came up I could no longer leave the premises or the police would be called. They invoked the bakers act. The bakers act is where your involuntarily committed to a mental institution for 72 hours of observation for suicide.this is where I will spend my birthday and Father’s Day in an institution.

But I was there for the 72 hours I was heavily medicated and had to see a psychiatrist a doctor every day. I don’t remember much of it I remember you can only smoke after every meal so only three times a day. I remember the food sucked ass. But for the most part I just slept I literally slept 72 hours. Well I slept and cried A lot.

Upon being released I was taken back to the Camel Back Recovery Sober Living Center and had to wait there an hour before I got called into another meeting. In this meeting they told me that they could no longer help me, Mike could no longer pay, and that I needed to be put back into a treatment center. I disagreed. The mental institution had found that I wasn’t suicidal nor had I been. And it’s normal to have thoughts about not being around. However Camel Back Recovery Sober Living I would hear nothing of the sort and said they couldn’t help me. They said I had to leave immediately. I had nowhere to go, no one to call, And I didn’t know what to do next. I’m stuck in Phoenix in a place I don’t know with no one to care for me. When I say care I mean literally care about you. My husband didn’t, my mother doesn’t, nor does my father. I did rent another truck so I could get everything off the property and get to my storage unit and try to figure out my next move.

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