“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” –
Alfred Lord Tennyson
My Daily Focus
How am I feeling mentally?
How am I feeling physically?
How am I feeling spiritually?
What are my goals for the day?
Happy birthday to, my favorite person… Michael Alan Coon! No matter what, I will love you forever! I miss talking to you so much I feel like you don’t even know. So much of myself is lost. So much of myself is lost, you made the most and taken up so much of my soul I’m last period you will always have the key to me! Happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day!
Woke up to alarms! Oh, my God! My phone, my new alarm clock all going off opposite and not knowing all the ins and outs of the smart alarm – Jesus Christ! Trust! I got the FUCK up at 4:00 AM no shit! I got my morning meditation, morning yoga, morning Buddhist chant, morning prayer, Brené Brown Ted talk, and the man in the arena.
Brené Brown gave some good quotes this morning. She was saying that braving is the tool. “That my worth and belonging can’t be negotiated by anyone it’s mine it belongs to me. I may fit into you but I no longer fit into myself.”
Yesterday, Hannah and Nina are trying to get a letter to Mike about an apartment, my recovery, etc. the emails go back and forth. They’ve left me confused, hurt, angry – I don’t know questions! So, I need to write this so it comes from me and my = mine … no family in it. Omit the fact I even gave birth to a child or fell in love and how I love greatly – gone! I must write some bullshit or bullshit. I need to put everything in the negative so Mike feels better, superior he is in control I don’t think he will like it if I tell the truth. My recovery is as far as I’m concerned none of his business. All that’s being done is money being thrown at me. I am not the only person this has ever happened to you. I can only imagine what goes on in the house and all those ill-reputed things said towards me, about me… my whole character has now been defined forever. Mike made sure of that his point, POV, as well as formulating everyone else is including the toxic word spoken about me in front of my son. I genuinely feel I can never go home. I don’t feel whole and I don’t know if I ever will there again or if I did before, not now – not there! My best analogy for how I am feeling is:
there is a ball and two sides of a line drawn. Mike, Connor, Prescott (what I know) and the other side with me) . I’ve been alone and on my side of the court my whole life so to speak and I am genuinely OK with my GST being. Mike is holding the ball Mike is always holding the ball. Sometimes he gives me back slash passes me the ball but he always wants it right back or if he didn’t like something he takes it back. But now there are two balls back slash mine much smaller but I have a ball and Mike has a ball divided. No one is willing to give up their ball. I would give up the ball but why? I have no support nor Mike support from me. I did not make the line between us he made the line; he is always making lines I always walk over back slash cross the line it doesn’t matter about drinking I am not thinking about this in my make-believe analogy. I’m generalizing). this is the thing if I said, End Quote he would never tell me how he feels he would never fight for me. Never surrendering or being emotionally intimate, not saying what he means or feels only anger and only throwing money at it. – Here’s the thing though I have and would never do that to him. If the tables were turned never. Realistically speaking in our life together he has never fought for me and if he feels he has, he’s never told me. Devil’s advocate, yes. Some things and smoothing over things and smoothing things out sure. Never fought for me. Maybe I should have communicated more, but that’s me pleasing him trying to help him, support his feelings where am I? So, on my side of the court, I have zero self-worth, zero self, I’m not enough for him or I wouldn’t have stumbled so many times, I don’t even feel enough for myself. Well work on myself, End Quote he says quote I have enabled you and quote, he says.
Not supported, not fought for…
– The only time in life I actually will need yeah not to hold my ******* hand. So where does my answers lie? I’m all the same emotions he is I don’t want this to be the end, but align has been drawn. Where is the trust on the other side or either side?
Trust: “Trust is choosing to make something important to you, vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” – Charles Felman
Distrust: Distrust is what I shared with you, that is important to me is not safe to you.”
Brené Brown’s: Trust is Braving
- God I’m pissed the FUCK off right now
- Stay where it is cheaper, as I will not have a roommate. This will irritate me causing me to drink.
- Regardless of length of stay doesn’t change the fact I need to do the following:
- Job, car, and apartment
My Recovery Timeline
- I’m in recovery for 60 days I’m following 12 steps, BDR, Dharma and focusing on myself and my recovery following yoga and meditation to relax.
- I’m changing my lifestyle with yoga and meditation many times a day.
- Relaxing and concentrating on recovery and sobriety.
- I am genuinely ready to go back to my job at Lowe’s transferring to the phoenix area getting an apartment to start my new life.
- Made a plan to work on myself alone practicing self-care.
- Taking medication to control anxiety.
- Following a 90-day program of sobriety.
- 60 days sober.
- Completed “relapse prevention” plan. Three times with three different scenarios.
- Following a “repair myself” plan to stay healthy
- yoga and meditation as daily tools several times a day to stay focused
- eating a healthy diet which is regimented to include breakfast daily, I am actually eating
- Practicing self-care daily.
- Reading Dharma, BDR and other SMART Recovery programs along with 12 step programs
- Daily affirmations to myself so I can self-heal being enough, belonging and self-worth like being enough and belonging
- I’m ready to begin working again.
- I’m doing my IOP.
- Possibly, making the move to phoenix area transferring to Scottsdale Lowe’s?
OK I think I’m ready
in my recovery I’m rearing 60 days. In these past 60 days I’ve been following a 90 day recovery format, that includes many aspects.
Just for today – June 12
“Yes, we are a vision of hope…”
Basic Text, p. 51
By the time we reached the end of our road, many of us had lost all hope for a life without the use of drugs. We believed we were destined to die from our disease. What an inspiration it was, then, coming to our first meeting and seeing a room full of addicts who were staying clean! A clean addict is, indeed, a vision of hope.
Today, we give that same hope to others. The newcomers see the joyful light in our eyes, notice how we carry ourselves, listen to us speak in meetings, and often want what we have found. They believe in us until they learn to believe in themselves.
Newcomers hear us carry a message of hope to them. They tend to see us through “rose-colored glasses,” They don’t always recognize our struggle with a particular character defect or our difficulties with improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power. It takes them time to realize that we, the “old-timers” with three or six or ten years clean, often place personalities before principles or suffer from some other unsightly character defects. Yes, the newcomer sometimes places us on a pedestal. It is good, though, to openly admit the nature of our struggles in recovery for, in time, the newcomer will be walking through those same trials. And that newcomer will remember that others walked through that difficulty and stayed clean.
Just for today: I will remember that I am a beacon to all who follow in my path, a vision of hope.