Day 54 June 10,2022

“If ever I was running, it was towards you.”
― Jennifer Elisabeth

I slept 7 hours. It is so joyous to sleep – sleeping pill not to dream and just go out! Then I must wake up and face all of me again. My depression. My lack of will to be here. Dredge through my day. It genuinely sucks. 

Two ladies came in last two nights but one already escaped (run away) she was older and had some mental issues but I wonder if she had the means to not just escape here, but get to escaped anywhere she wanted to? My thoughts hope she gets better and possibly she could find peace and solitude any from ourselves everything around her and her problem period no one affected by her the one needing her or wanting to tell her what to do at all. 

I think I will start doing daily focus every day, but just for myself not reading aloud for the group no one to hear how I am feeling or what I am feeling but the fact I got it out on paper. Just letting it out possibly go into the universe, whether it is good or bad period just to write it. 

Yesterday’s reading in journey to the heart. By melody Beattie has me thinking so much! I have to let go let go of my losses. But Connor and migrant losses to mind. How can I let my people come on my loves just go? 

“Believing in life means it’s OK to let go. We can trust where we’ve been. We trust where we’re going. And we are all right where we need to be now. Believe in life.” 

Let go? What a concept? There is just too much I can’t rather die than give up on my love let them go. If I have to let them go then I let go of me too. 

I have so much to do my recovery is now second fiddle. Even though I know I need to be part of my recovery but I must be go go gadget girl again. I have so much to focus on it’s too much to do right now. Mike expects a lot from me. And I want to show him that I am capable. I need an apartment. I need a cosigner. I need an income. Job. Transfer. Clear up in locker talk to HR. I need a car. Car insurance. 

What the FUCK am I Doing? 

I’m anxious, I can’t focus on myself. I just fucking can’t take any of this anymore. I need to find more pain, it seems to relieve what I’m feeling. I guess I need another tattoo or piercing I just need to not feel me! 

Mean and Hannah will be sending Mike an e-mail today what the FUCK? I feel like I can’t make any decisions on my own. I feel like such a failure. I should feel thankful (not blessed) That Mike is throwing money at this. I’m just some fucking mistake. He told me I was a mistake so many times and arguments, that he should have never married me… he shouldn’t have period I’m a horrible mother, a terrible wife, and as a whole a jackass or fuck off as a person. 

I hope that this is all mental, that I can get over this! I have so little joy anymore! All my joy feels like it’s just squashed. I’m meditating or trying to but my focus is lost. 

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

still overwhelmed – so much responsibilty for everything – I cant seem to handle it

How am I feeling physically?

okay! I wish I could work out more. They do not drive you anywhere except to and from IOP. I am stuck and losing my mind.

How am I feeling spiritually?

I’m trying. I want to do more meditation

What are my goals for the day?

Talk to Nina about sending an email to Mike. I have to get things done. I am losing my FUCKING mind. All I do is sit here depressed wodering what if’s? Is this what Mike meant by not driving a car…Not get better just wallow in self pity. Spending money out of our account on self care so I feel an ounce better??

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

I am a nice person.

Just for today – June 10

“When we finally get our own selfish motives out of the way, we begin to find a peace that we never imagined possible.”

Basic Text, p. 44

As we examine our beliefs, our actions, and our motives in recovery, we’ll find that sometimes we do things for the wrong reasons. In our early recovery, we may have spent a great deal of money and time on people, wanting only for them to like us. Later on, we may find that we still spend money on people, but our motives have changed. We do it because we like them. Or perhaps we used to get romantically involved because we felt hollow inside and were seeking fulfillment through another person. Now our reasons for romantic involvement are based in a desire to share our already rewarding lives with an equal partner. Maybe we used to work the steps because we were afraid we’d relapse if we didn’t. Today we work the steps because we want to grow spiritually.

We have a new purpose in life today, and our changing motives reflect that. We have so much more to offer than our neediness and insecurities. We have developed a wholesomeness of spirit and a peace of mind that moves our recovery into a new realm. We extend our love and share our recovery with complete generosity, and the difference we make is the legacy we leave to those who have yet to join us.

Just for today: In recovery, my motives have changed. I want to do things for the right reason, not just for my personal benefit. Today, I will examine my motives.

9-11AM Morning Process Group with Darren

Parents: mine were just there … just not emotionally there… I never had or learned emotional intimacy. 

Do I even have that right now? I guess if I couldn’t feel Mike and I had a problem – I don’t have emotional intimacy or availability. I need to read more on relationships. I want to be transparent with Mike and make sure he knows I’m emotionally available in his person! I need to do the same for my son too! He needs to see a healthy mom.

Value 

what are values? Morality? Do I have honesty and integrity? 

Doing what you need to do just so we can use dash agreeing with rules set not by yourself. We need to not let addiction set our values dash values really went out the window period now that you’re clean we have the freedom to choose our values. 

Productive in sobriety dash can be a value! Visualize what you want as values in your life when it happens. 

Brain behaves that is actually happening dash need to convince brain!! 

Focus on believing what I foretell myself. Believe that it is real! My examples Tony Robinson is speaker in shallow Hal the movie.  

Worksheets…

Post to be meditation how do you meditate when we have all that to think about it, you’re supposed to clear your brain not think too much about it. 

11:30 to 12:30 PM relapse prevention with Chloe (Guest)

I’m grateful for calling one my husband and son 2 being here and sober three the meditation we just did thanks Daniel you’re my superhero and or if I was a superhero who would I be Wonder Woman and Walter 

Worksheets… 

“The struggle you are in today is developing the strength you have tomorrow.” 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s