Day 51 June 7,2022

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Excited and wondering what IOP will be like

How am I feeling physically?

I’m feeling pretty good And

How am I feeling spiritually?

Still playing every day hoping that I can win back my loves

What are my goals for the day?

Make it through IOP

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mike for giving me this opportunity

Just for to day – June 7

“Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.”

Basic Text, p. 96

Not all of us arrive in NA and automatically stay clean. But if we keep coming back, we find in Narcotics Anonymous the support we need for our recovery. Staying clean is easier when we have someone who believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves.

Even the most frequent relapser in NA usually has one staunch supporter who is always there, no matter what. It is imperative that we find that one person or group of people who believes in us. When we ask them if we will ever get clean, they will always reply, “Yes, you can and you will. Just keep coming back!”

We all need someone who believes in us, especially when we can’t believe in ourselves. When we relapse, we undermine our already shattered self-confidence, sometimes so badly that we begin to feel utterly hopeless. At such times, we need the support of our loyal NA friends. They tell us that this can be our last relapse. They know from experience that if we keep coming to meetings, we will eventually get clean and stay clean.

It’s hard for many of us to believe in ourselves. But when someone loves us unconditionally, offering support no matter how many times we’ve relapsed, recovery in NA becomes a little more real for us.

Just for today: I will find someone who believes in me. I will believe in them.

twelvestepjournaling.com/narcotics-anonymous/just-for-today

So I didn’t get to journal yesterday because I left my backpack in bre’s car. So that was a bummer! I had a lot to write about too! I’m an IOP which started at 9 AM.

9 AM to 11 AM Morning Process Group with Jennifer

We did introductions to start so it’s Bre, myself, Tiara and Walter.

Meditation and Medication

Changes per my new psychiatrist and medication so I missed the meditation which was from 11 to 11:30 AM.

11:30 AM to 12:30 PM Relapse Prevention with Jennifer

So it’s back dialectical behavioral therapy ( DBT ).

This isn’t a concept I have heard before this one’s different…

Dialectical absence and harm and there’s reduction and abstinence. So when you’re making your relapse prevention plan Do you want to plan for abstinence but you also have to want a reduction plan and a reduction plan is what will keep yourself alive by having a plan. Meaning having people near and around you know and having a plan that if you are going to do it and you are going to get to the point where you could be sick or die there’s a plan in place to keep you alive.Part of abstinence as you can choose when you have a trigger and try to keep it to five places five people and five activities. So five places that you know you won’t be able to relapse five people you know who will support you and not allow you to read relapse and five activities that you can do it won’t trigger you or allow you to relapse.

1 to 2 PM Psycho Education with Jennifer

Worksheets…

So as it presents itself… If you ask the why as to addiction the how will follow. So find your why to get to the how.

So met with a psychiatrist today and did a test for bipolar disorder. He said there would be more tests. Insomnia, anxiety, compulsive shopping, compulsive cleaning, making million long to do lists…isn’t in my favor. He said given what We’ve spoken about and the other psychiatrists opinion chances can be good. But not to worry medication’s can help. So I probably didn’t have PMDD all those years. We will see.

I hope he was really good much better than being at Decision Point. I’m glad to be out of Decision Point, that’s for sure yesterday‘s intake was long and arduous. Not to mention very emotional. Not only have I cried for almost 60 days straight I got to cry more. I’m pretty tired of having so much anxiety and sadness. I texted Mike yesterday he actually sent a nice text back – well it wasn’t yelling at me, at least. I’m (no scratch that) i’m doing all the things I need to do. I’m taking care of my mental health, I’m not drinking, and I’m taking care of me physically as well.

I can’t stop thinking about Connor. My heart is sad! I miss him so much! I just want to tell him I’m OK. I don’t know when that will happen. I hope and pray soon, but I don’t know. I’ve got to be just enough rope to hang myself with. We will see what happens.

I went swimming last night and went to bed really early. It’s strange I literally have no desire to watch anything on the television, my phone – no video games even. My heart is only concerned with Connor and Mike and getting better.

I asked the stupid damn eight ball all the time if I’m loved, if Mike ever wants me again, is Connor OK, is Connor sleeping – my God it’s endless – I’m obsessed with it. REALLY OBSESSED!

I opted to stay here tonight they are moving me to a room with children – just like Decision Point so I’m not pleased.

My birthday is coming up soon and yet again it will be a shitty birthday, I’m sure – really crap! I wish I could just vanish under a rock seriously just vanish! I’m in one of those moods and on the verge of bad thoughts, tears and anger and the whiny’s! Why God why do you spare me – who’s worth am I to be here. I hate it when it comes about! My heart can’t take anymore of this shit – my mind can’t take it either. I wish I could write Mike a letter, maybe I will. Maybe I’ll mail it! I don’t know! Maybe I just need ice cream! Who knows itMy birthday is coming up soon and yet again it will be a shitty birthday, I’m sure – really crap! I wish I could just vanish under a rock seriously just vanish! I’m in one of those moods and on the verge of bad thoughts, tears and anger and the whiny’s! Why God why do you spare me – who’s worth am I to be here. I hate it when it comes about! My heart can’t take anymore of this shit – my mind can’t take it either. I wish I could write Mike a letter, maybe I will. Maybe I’ll mail it! I don’t know! Maybe I just need ice cream! Who knows it

I go to IOP again tomorrow from nine to 3:30 PM I don’t know why so intense I thought it was nine hours a week not 18 hours a week! Oh well, I guess! Seriously, oh well!

I’m reading “the five love languages” right now trying to find better ways to communicate. So I’m off to reading then bed early. Gym tomorrow morning and I OP. Must make some self care appointments too!

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