Day 55 June 11,2022

It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt

I slept 8 hours here I woke up at 6:00 AM! I listened and did a morning meditation, I did a Brené Brown Ted talk, then listen to the man in the arena speech by teddy Roosevelt again (fight song in a sense). I had some coffee did a morning yoga routine. I read all the way through the first step in Buddhism which included breathing techniques for meditation. I read more on the five languages of love, realizing that part of my primary language of love is quality time, moreover listening. I need to actively engage not doing something while he’s talking a genuinely listening period engage in his thoughts and have a conversation – paying attention and not blowing him off actually talking. He asks and asked this of me so many times and I can honestly say I don’t listen. I figure he’s going to do what he wants; his mind is made-up and that’s the point! What I’m realizing by this miserable and I mean tumultuous thing that is happening is; if I took back maybe if I participated really participated that decisions would have had less arguments, and more positive outcomes. If I engaged, I would have been able to tell the truth … That’s too true!  I wouldn’t have just been he does his stuff and I’ll drown mine. Control would have not been so much of my problem it might have been a burden we both did together. I’m not saying that my situation would be better, less than as difficult as this process is, but I may have had my support. I may not have had the breakdown I did or maybe Mike could have talked me off the Cliff I chose to jump off of! The Cliff I chose upon myself by myself to jump off of… Both of us alone. Which is our reflect is the last thing I wanted. No matter what he will be my greatest love and so to speak not talking will be my greatest mistake and failure. 

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

blah

How am I feeling physically?

blah

How am I feeling spiritually?

blah

What are my goals for the day?

blah, blah, blah

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Seriously just blah

Just for today – June 11

“As we recover; we gain a new outlook on being clean…. Life can become a new adventure for us.” Basic Text, p. 88

The using life is not a clean one-no one knows this better than we do. Some of us lived in physical squalor, caring neither for our surroundings nor ourselves. Worse, though, than any external filth was the way most of us felt inside. The things we did to get our drugs, the way we treated other people, and the way we treated ourselves had us feeling dirty. Many of us recall waking too many mornings just wishing that, for once, we could feel clean about ourselves and our lives.

Today, we have a chance to feel clean by living clean. For us addicts, living clean starts with not using – after all, that’s our primary use for the word “clean” in Narcotics Anonymous. But as we stay “clean” and work the Twelve Steps, we discover another kind of clean. It’s the clean that comes from admitting the truth about our addiction rather than hiding or denying our disease. It’s the freshness that comes from owning up to our wrongs and making amends for them. It’s the vitality that comes from the new set of values we develop as we seek a Higher Power’s will for us. When we practice the principles of our program in all our affairs, we have no reason to feel dirty about our lives or our lifestyles – we’re living clean, and grateful to be doing so at last.

“Clean living” used to be just for the “squares.” Today, living clean is the only way we’d have it.

Just for today: I feel clean because I’m living clean – and that’s the way I want to keep it.

I’m really trying to be me! It’s awful and in the present. (Last night’s meditation told me) I did meditation put my thoughts into bubbles and watch them float away exclamation I did, I am it’s an ongoing process I try) I am trying to do even now. This is taking a lot of effort on my part, but what am I to do? If I keep dwelling better in my head I have to start breathing again! This is so fucking painful! – The whole process – but I need to self-care (I keep being told repeatedly – I mean repeatedly to do) is important. I’m going to try, or – do be on honest truth at the moment. One moment at a time period be mean! Exclamation I need to go to the gym. So, I’m going to go to the gym, working out releases so much for me! 

I’ve been trying to finish a movie even a TV show I can’t for some reason I just can’t. I don’t the love of God know why. It is genuinely irritating actually. I used to love to watch something on my phone. Not since I left the house. Only for about 20 minutes and then I just become completely disengaged. I don’t know – It makes me sad really sad! So, I just turn it off and I’m left to even just more me! I’m sick of being me really! Just fucking tired of being me. 

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