July 1, 2022 Email Sent to My Husband

My forever love,

I love you. I always have. That will never change.  Good, bad, and ugly. It’s always been you.

I’d like to preface, that this letter is coming from the heart and not from some obligation to step work.  That will come. I just wanted to tell you a few things. I listen to your voicemail over and over and over again the one that says I just like talking to you.  I miss telling you everything. I know longer have that right anymore.

I guess I never really thought of it as a trust thing you’re not allowing me to drive a car. I saw it as a I can’t get what you want done without physically going and seeing properties. I also need to go to Lowe’s in Scottsdale. Yet, it ended up being phone calls that I had to make and not actually going to a Lowe’s Scottsdale store.  Had I any idea I would end up in a mental institution for renting a car? Homeless? FUCK NO.    I really don’t remember much except for crying profusely for hours, a mental break, a psychiatrist, and the words your husband does not love you, before they admitted me. I can’t change the past, if I could… I would go back further.  I got the medication I needed! I slept for 2 1/2 days straight I only got up to eat. So that’s a good thing I don’t know.  I have never just slept like that.  My brain needed it. 

This is really hard, before you say “I know it is really hard,” you haven’t any idea.  I wish you were wish you were right and I had relapsed. However, that is the furthest from the truth.  Everything always looks above board because I never let anybody see anything else.  I can’t imagine you both seeing me like that.  I know that you have told several people that you don’t understand and I should’ve just quit, if it only been that easy. I would’ve made that choice first I rather then the choice I made. I didn’t realize how angry, depressed and an alcoholic I truly had become.  I am okay, now, not drinking and with proper medication.  I can actually see who I was and that scares me.    I know it scared you too.  My depression isn’t bad anymore it’s normal levels, and I am not angry.  . My mind is no longer stuck on a fast forward continual loop. I couldn’t ever see that before.

Yes, there are a slew of things I told myself in order to not have an addiction problem and a whole slew of things I covered up.  I know you always be furious at me.  I know I will never be forgiven, nor do I ask for your forgiveness.  I know you’re keeping me from going to Prescott on the Fourth of July, besides that you’ve had to scrape me up off the floor every Fourth of July so I get it, I understand and I agree with.  I’m just trying to figure everything out one step at a Time for a change. I no longer have to put the cart before the horse or vice versa.

Divorce! That’s a hard pill to swallow. I never thought that I would ever get divorced, not from you.  Yet I am.  I know I’m the catalyst.  Everything seems so surreal to me.  I lost my my son. I’ve lost my husband. I’ve lost all my friends. I lost my self-respect.  I have no respect. All I have is a red suitcase with some clothes.  No I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m just stating the facts. I owe so much to you and you helping me, while you did. You’re having to do this all alone. You’re having to do all of this for yourself and for Connor. I am so sorry I’ve devastated our family.  What you both are going through.  It seems weird to be doing all this alone.  It’s like I’m still in fight or flight mode. I’m sure you aren’t though.  Going to go pick up my medication’s hopefully today. I know you’re busy and I have to get ready have a wonderful Fourth of July and a great time at camp. You don’t have to worry about me I know my place.  I love you. I know Connor doesn’t wanna hear it at all not for me but please tell him that you love him.


PS. I was going to try for another community management position but I can’t do so until I have a car. I can’t pick up my medication’s. I can’t do a lot of things Mike I know you don’t want me to rely on you but there’s certain things that I have to please help me.

Sent from my iPhone

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