Day 91 July 17, 2022

“Through spontaneity we are reformed into ourselves. Freed from handed down frames of reference, spontaneity becomes the moment of personal freedom when we are faced with a reality, explore it and act accordingly.“ – Viola Spolin

Is that 5.5 hours I’m up and it’s 3:30 AM. I slept good! I woke up sad but I always wake up sad – it’s becoming my theme song and it’s carried throughout my day.

I realized something the other day. How sad for Mike to take away from this that we cannot be stronger. That I won’t be stronger, but I am. I am still here fighting. He wants to take everything away from me. I get angry, but he couldn’t have ever loved me that much – could he have? I actually have sadness for him in that regards. No amount of coercion, begging and pleading will stop or aid in his or on his behalf. I genuinely need to let him go. I don’t think you’ll ever be back. If you wanted to come back, would I forget? with this whole thing genuinely make a stronger? Maybe I am holding onto something we never had in the first place. Maybe my grandeur thoughts of love really do not exist. Maybe I’m just and have been talking out of my ass about everything. Maybe I want so badly I can’t see the truth in front of me? I don’t know, but my heart cannot take any more heartache. I need to make peace – however that may be and what extent that is… I cannot be healthy if I cannot. I’m only 51 years old. I feel like I can’t go on but I am going on. Do I really never want to have joy, joy and myself? I may not ever be the love I thought I was or the love I thought I had. But I am strong enough to weather even the worst storm obviously maybe I wasn’t. But I know I am enough to get by, maybe not completely through this but if I’m going to stay/stick around, I need to be present. I need to be present in the here and now for the people who are here and now with me – who care. Not my losses. If they are lost for good – it’s gone and by dwelling I’m only hurting myself, and losing even more – the people that do give a shit. I’ll push them away too, then where will I be? I get what Kendra meant now parentheses God I miss her and parentheses. “There are people here that do love you.“ They are the ones that are here. I need to focus on those people! That Kendra man she was wise! I hope she knows not all is lost on me!

My daily focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Emotionally anguished I’m hurting sad seems like a constant sad!

How am I physically?

Rested I feel strong, strong enough to push through another day

How am I spiritually?

Still thinking about yesterday – but many more prayers

What are my goals

Blog and write two steps two and three in one breath at a time by Kevin Griffin

What’s my affirmation my greatness my gratitude?

I’d say Mike for pushing me – but he’s not anymore – I guess I just have the will to go on and find hope in the day.

July 17

Journey To The Heart

Daily Meditations On The Path to Frame Your Soul

by Melanie Beattie

Put Yourself On Equal Ground

I sat in the booth across from my friend. I was fiddling with an empty soda can in front of me while we discuss the subject of tower. Suddenly he snatched the can away from me and began tossing it in the air, catching it, then tossing it up again. “See how easy it is to take your power?” He said. “See how you just gave it to me?” I watched, amazed at how quickly I had relinquished my power, how vulnerable I was to the world around me.

Then my friend smiled and stopped juggling the can. “Relax,“ he said. “It’s an illusion. That’s not really your power – it’s an empty can. And it’s an illusion that anyone can take your power away from you.“

Each of us has an unlimited supply of power available – the power to think, to feel, to take care of ourselves. The power to open our hearts, love, be gentle, honest, and kind. We have the power to be clear and to trust and follow the guidance of our own hearts.

Part of our journey to freedom, and important part, is equalizing our relationships. For many years, we may have believe the scales were tipped one way or the other in our work and love relationships. We may have believed that others knew a great deal more than we did, or we may have begun to believe that we had all the answers. But no one has a higher power. That’s an illusion. So much so that sometimes the person we believe is more powerful than us may be looking at us thinking where are the ones pulling the strings.

Remember, if you give up your power or decide that someone has power over you, you’ll begin grouting, sabotaging, and doing sneaky little things to equalize that relationship, to feel like you have your power. There’s another way, a better way, one that will help you heal.

Put yourself on equal ground.

No one, and I mean no one,It’s going to take the power and make me feel hopeless and sad, not anumore. I was acting out sneaky little things, not anymore. I need to have my power. He cant control it anymore. I know it’s going to be a battle I know I’m gonna write about it but I just may surprise everyone and start writing a little bit more getting well stuff.

I am sad to know its over. This was Mike’s plan all along. Here is my pink elephant in the room. I believe Mike has wanted this divorce no matter the line I walked. He doesn’t want me anymore. He definately doesn’t want us anymore. If he truely did things would be different. He will always be my love. I will never nor would I give up on him. That’s my truth.

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