Day 40 May 27,2022

“The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only those things that are in line with your principles and compare the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day what you choose, what you think, what you do is who you become. And your integrity is your destiny… It is the light that guides your way.“ – Heraclitus (535-475BC)

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Upset from a text from Mike

How am I feeling physically?

Anxious, scared, infuriated

How am I feeling spiritually?

I don’t know I’m waiting for a spiritual awakening

What are my goals for the day?

MaryAnne

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Avni for being a great friend and confidant

Lorenzo for being a great guy and funny

Dave for just being funny all the time and sweet

Grayson from all this kindness kind words when I needed them the most thanks Greg

Troy for always being uplifting kind and for all the fun so we can just relax and enjoy

Just for Today – May 27

“…the decision to ask for God’s help is our greatest source of strength and courage.” Basic Text, p. 26

A challenge is anything that dares us to succeed. Things new and unfamiliar serve as challenges, whether those things appear good or bad to us. We are challenged by obstacles and opposition from within ourselves and from without. New and difficult things, obstacles and opposition, all are a part of “life on life’s terms” Living clean means learning to meet challenge.

Many of us, consciously or unconsciously, took drugs to avoid meeting challenge. Many of us were equally afraid of failure and success. Each time we declined the day’s challenge, we suffered a loss of self-esteem. Some of us used drugs to mask the shame we felt. Each time we did that, we became even less able to meet our challenges and more likely to use.

By working the NA program, we’ve found the tools we need to successfully meet any challenge. We’ve come to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, a Power that cares for our will and our lives. We’ve asked that Power to remove our character defects, those things that made our lives unmanageable. We’ve taken action to improve our conscious contact with that Higher Power. Through the steps, we’ve been given the ability to stop using drugs and start living.

Each day, we are faced with new challenges. And each day, through working our program of recovery, we are given the grace to meet those challenges.

Just for today: I will ask my Higher Power to help me squarely meet today’s challenge.

“The decision to ask for God’s help is our greatest source of strength and courage.”

What an incredible message today! I really needed to know because I’ve been praying all morning and the challenges I am facing. These challenges are for me! I know where Mike is and I know I must do what he is asking.

9 to 10 AM Friday Farwell with Troy and Rebecca

I am looking so forward to getting cold up in a minute to do my own Friday for a while. Everyone is going to give me praise and they’ll be laughter and lots of tears. I should be first since I’m leaving first.

Friday Farewell:

Avni said, “My Best Friend in Treatment, we will be friends forever and sober sisters. Do as Mike says, I see you achieving the goal at the end. It will be so worth it if you do! One thing she want me to do is relax. Dont react or be compulsive. Think about it.”

She’s been through this and I know how her story ends because, well, she didn’t stop. Avni Gives me hope! I want my husband and my son back.

Tracie said, : “You’re my best friend, I’m so glad we became friends and got to be roomies in the same apartment. We will be friends forever.

*See note below…

Jessica said, “I love you, you can do this as you are the strongest person she’s ever seen with how I handle everything. You are a Boss Bitch the way you handle everything.

They all said a lot more but that’s my favorite parts and what I remember is the beginning. I did meet Trey give me her letter that she was reading from for me so here it is…

10:15 AM to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

Today was a tough day. All of us in primary today talked a lot about Mike and his texts and what he wants me to do. Talking to the group they were all supportive. They say I’m strong and have grown stronger since I’ve been here. The situation I am in, people have thought is asinine but understand what could be or could not be if tables were turned. I need to be strong this is for my kid. I love him so much. Mike demanded and hopefully Kendra got a hold of him. I know it was going to be after 12 noon his deadline is Kendra had a meeting and then all of us for primary. I sure hope it gets resolved.

We also talked about that Mike was here at Decision Point Center at around 9:30 AM for me to sign paperwork. I was so shaky I could barely sign my name. I read it after Friday Farewell ‘Nice’ “The Alcoholic “. He is so pissed, he hates me. Which makes me confused, why does he push for all these things? I know deep down he must love me and pushes me because I might not push myself. It’s also a small part of punishment! I guess we shall see! How this pans out. I’m just lost and I can’t take much more! I wish he would love me, talk to me and not at me like what he did in Kendra’s office. I just wish he would Stop being so angry at me. I ask this every time I pray also. I pray that his friend stop feeding into this. I pray that my mother and father do not get involved, or stop getting involved.

I got called out by MaryAnne and the nurse because I had to sign paperwork while Mike was here. It’s for our sons therapist. I was shaking when I signed the paperwork knowing that Mike was just 50 feet near me behind another closed door. I just wanted to bolt but I didn’t. So I’m proud of myself. Mike probably thinks it’s a test that if he can walk in the building and I see if he gets asked to leave. He now thinks that it’s a me problem and not a him problem. I signed the paperwork. All through it “The Alcoholic”.

There is so many people here who have done horrible things. Who have been battling for so long. People who have been in treatment centers and out of treatment centers and back in treatment centers. I made a mistake it’s crazy and bad. I don’t know what got over me, but; what I don’t understand is how come I can’t get any support from my husband. Yes, he’s found the empty bottle/s. The empty “pint bottle”, he never found more than one. I Drink a certain amount at a certain time and that was it. It wasn’t good for me it wasn’t good for Mike, and it was UNBELIEVABLY BAD and SERIOUSLY DETRIMENTAL for our son…I know this!!

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