Day 49 June 5,2022

“Every man has a secret which of the world knows not; And often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It’s 5:18 AM and I woke up with sadness. overwhelming sadness. I actually had a dream – more like a nightmare. I saw Mike for the last time in my dream. I know it was the last time – I mean in my dream it was a reality. It’s horrible I feel so sad and so low, it’s unbelievable! I went downstairs, started the coffee, and went outside for a cigarette. That’s when the real sadness started… The “I would be better off guns“ that’s what I’m calling them these days. I tried shaking everything off as I sit here writing with a face mask on. I’m trying to do good for my body, and soul. So I can find some inner peace. Yet all I feel is sadness. It’s going to be one of those pretend how you really feel today. The kind where I pretend I’m happy inside and out. Lots of big smiles. Maybe the doctor is right I am bipolar. Jesus Christ.

I just got off the phone with Avni! Wow, it feels good to talk to people, and they are my people. Friends, good great friends! I haven’t had that since I met Mike. Mike has been my whole world for so long. Having friends doesn’t make my pain or sadness go away. The sadness is still here in my head. The sadness and losing my husband is still inside me. The horrible wreckage I am/have done. I know will never leave – it will never go away. I’m not trying to justify Mike versus friends either, it’s just nice to have friends. Yes, Mike has been my world from the start. My love of my life and then we had our precious son and I have two loves of my life of whom I would die for them – I still would if it would make life better for them. Metaphorically and literally.

The friends part: in a treatment center or you let all your secrets, troubles, regrets – everything on the table- your emotions too. I was in a small facility and you get so close – best friends relate. The only way I can describe the closeness so fast is… When you meet your best friend and let’s say high school it takes some time to share “everything”. Yes your inseparable but you still keep things, not telling them “everything” and the very beginning. While I was at Decision Point you get closer even faster – so fast that you know the person like you know the back of your hand.… Almost immediately. So many things in common. First it is the pain and suffering – but then it’s all the little things to from as silly as your favorite color to your favorite meal, clothing – it’s just a lot and it’s quick!

So my friends means so much to me and it feels great. I let go of all my friends a long time ago for various reasons and growing apart and was only left with acquaintances really. I mean yes I had Danielle and still have Mirza – but I still haven’t reached out to anyone – because I have no trust in what Mike has been telling people. So there is that. Yeah, I know brain – I need to text Myrza. I have no words to say though! None at all!

Talked with Mercedes this morning about talking with friends and the bonds you get in treatment. She said I need to text me her side. She is my friend no matter what considering she texted me to make sure I am OK. I will think and try to come up with words that will be better – I don’t want to complain (laid out there). Maybe that’s just me feeling sorry for myself but I don’t want her involved nor do I want to sound too peppy either! I can’t stop fucking crying!

Seriously if I could just turn it off for a minute so I could just stop crying!

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Good anxious stressed

How am I feeling physically?

Needing more pool time and to see a psychiatrist so I can get my brain right

How am I feeling spiritually?

I definitely need to pray more

What are my goals for the day?

Get deep cleaning done, work out at the gym, go to the church, journal, color (Everything will come to Fluishon)

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Relaxing and swimming, the amazing kale chips, and the fact that I got to go to the gym

Just for today- June 5

“Although honesty is difficult to practice, it is most rewarding.” Basic Text, p. 92

How difficult we find it to be honest! Many of us come to NA so confused about what really happened in our lives that it sometimes takes months and years to sort it all out. The truth of our history is not always as we have told it. How can we begin to be more truthful?

Many of us find it the easiest to be honest in prayer. With our fellow addicts, we sometimes find that we have a hard time telling the whole truth. We feel certain that we won’t be accepted if we let others know us as we really are. It’s hard to live up to the “terminally hip and fatally cool” image so many of us portrayed! In prayer, we find an acceptance from our Higher Power that allows us to open our hearts with honesty.

As we practice this honesty with the God of our understanding, we often find that it has a ripple effect in our communications with others. We get in the habit of being honest. We begin to practice honesty when we share at meetings and work with others. In return, we find our lives enriched by deepening friendships. We even find that we can be more honest with ourselves, the most important person to be truthful with!

Honesty is a quality that is developed through practice. It isn’t always easy to be totally truthful, but when we begin with our Higher Power, we find it easier to extend our honesty to others.

Just for today: I will be honest with God, myself, and others.

9 AM Morning Meeting

Elena of the universe gave me shame in the reading for morning meeting today! I know and understand that one of the ladies talked about the dialectical behavior therapy about the difference between shame and guilt. It was nice to hear because I get so caught up in my own thoughts. Shame and overwhelming sadness is going to be the death of me! I hurt so bad! I’ve destroyed everything I hold close to my heart. I cannot feel all that reading spoke about. I was so confident and fearless before the drinking started so bad this last year. I need to go back and read the ‘time/patience’ poem in my other journal. Maybe that will help. I also need to order some books.

Books I need to Order

  • When Things Fall Apart
  • The Boy, The Mole, Fox and The Horse
  • The Harvard Medical School Guide for Tai Chi
  • The Four Agreements
  • One Breath at a Time
  • The Giver

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