My Daily Focus
How am I feeling mentally?
A little bit uneasy today I’m not sure why
How am I feeling physically?
OK ready to start the day and sweet Jesus drive a car!
How am I feeling spiritually?
I’m not as connected as I should be today.
What are my goals for the day?
A lot of getting things done. But some of that is shopping and I love to shop.
Mike and Connor – my loves
Just for today – June 4
“Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others.” Basic Text, p. 16
Spreading gossip feeds a dark hunger in us. Sometimes we think the only way we can feel good about ourselves is to make someone else look bad by comparison. But the kind of self-esteem that can be purchased at another’s expense is hollow and not worth the price.
How, then, do we deal with our negative sense of self? Simple. We replace it with a positive concern for others. Rather than dwell on our low self-esteem, we turn to those around us and seek to be of service to them. This may seem to be a way of avoiding the issue, but it’s not. There’s nothing we can do by dwelling on our low sense of self except work ourselves into a stew of self-pity. But by replacing our self-pity with active, loving concern for others, we become the kind of people we can respect.
The way to build our self-esteem is not to tear others down, but to build them up through love and positive concern. To help us with this, we can ask ourselves if we are contributing to the problem or to the solution. Today, we can choose to build instead of destroy.
Just for today: Though I may be feeling low, I don’t need to tear someone down to build myself up. Today, I will replace my negative sense of self with a positive concern for others. I will build, not destroy.
Slept six hours. So I haven’t written for a minute, not that I haven’t had a lot to say, but I was trying to get a lot complicated in a small period of time/window of opportunity that is. So I need to go back to getting to the last part. I was trying to get to Delaney’s auction house after I picked up the rental car, but put in 360 Osborn and not 3600 Osborn two totally different places in the greater Phoenix area. Like I said before this was West Phoenix where I wanted to be and I was somewhere in the middle of driving around in circles. The gentleman I spoke to there said he would wait after hours, but it was too late he had already left by the time I made it there and my phone was dead. I bought a charger from a very scary place, but I made it through OK. Most expensive charger cord in the world I might add! Starburst and a charger and an outlet cigarette adapter was $37 and change. I had to pay or I would not have known how to get back to sober living. Once I got my phone charged enough I had a text from Mercedes one of the House manager‘sThe gentleman I spoke to there said he would wait after hours, but it was too late he had already left by the time I made it there and my phone was dead. I bought a charger from a very scary place, but I made it through OK. Most expensive charger cord in the world I might add! Starburst and a charger and an outlet cigarette adapter was $37 and change. I had to pay or I would not have known how to get back to sober living. Once I got my phone charged enough I had a text from Mercedes one of the House Manager’s telling me to get home as I needed to be there to get a call from Nina, House Manager of all House Manager‘s, as there was a problem. Let me pre-face to say, this is not a short story and I need to start from the beginning.
When I started my adventure yesterday. While doing my online rental reservation for enterprise Rent-A-Car I did it at noon. However, there was a meeting, called “The Four Agreements” (very good book by the way) and it is a house AA meeting (all house – men and woman) at a restaurant nearby at 1 PM. Mercedes graciously offered to take me to the rental car place after the meeting. We stopped and got cigarettes and drove over to enterprise. I waited in line for a moment before I was helped by a man named Devon parentheses more like (a boy/younger man) of whom which was helping me. I said I had a reservation and showed him my phone and gave him my drivers license and credit card. For all purposes that being the regular drill when you rent a car, that is. However, not in may case, not today anyways. To which Devon said I didn’t have a reservation. I showed him the phone and he looked at me strangely. He then said you were/are late to your reservation and that he added if I minded walking stepping outside to chitchat for a moment. Now I will have to say as of lately I’m not finding too many things odd since I have found my life in general in uncharted waters. Let’s face it, my life seems like a shit show lately. Well nothing seems to shock me, or is any stranger than that of which I’ve lived these past 40 plus days. However, I’m about to have a conversation, I likely never expected to have. So, he takes me to the front of/outside/to the side of the entrance of Enterprise. He proceeds to ask me if “I’m OK“, “if I’m in any trouble“. I’m sure I have a perfect look like what the fuck is happening on my face. I say I’m fine. I’m not sure what came out of my mouth after that… What came out of his mouth, yet was something I did not expect… “I know you’re in a treatment at a Treatment Center.” At this point either this guy psychic or what I don’t… I have no idea what’s going on… Yes, my life in general, but… what the fuck are more of my thoughts. Then I say the first thought that comes to my mouth… “My drivers license is just fine”, following the thoughts how the hell does this guy know that and why does it matter when I’m driving a rental car? If I can rent a car…I have a license, huh? Then the next words that came out of Devon‘s mouth was “I spoke to your husband”. My mouth/jaw dropped completely I think I even had to pick it up off the cement sidewalk. Apparently, because I was late to my reservation and he dialed the wrong number not being able to get a hold of me. He called Mike whom informed him I was in a treatment center for addiction and obviously was only concerned I was going to drive to home or possibly Mike’s on the she’s on a “kill myself“ idea. I believe the latter. That’s almost about the time I cried out “I’ve been foiled.“ But no… I got the rental car if only for 36 hours.
Once I got back to the sober living house I was told Mike had stipulations on driving which was no driving and only to do IOP relax and work on myself. why wasn’t I told this before when it was the hard lines they were explaining to me. So I have to spend money here to take lifts and to go shopping and buy myself food I want to eat he’s not giving me any money I can work but I can’t spend any money I can’t do anything or go anywhere or go to the AA meetings without the Lyft or transportation for that matter. So I’m just supposed to sit do nothing unless I’m working and contemplate… However healthy Mike seems to think that sounds I’m a bit concerned. Nonetheless, there is so many things like a psychiatrist therapist a new primary physician. I need to look for an apartment. I mean I almost leave in 30 days – and I’m supposed to relax? I don’t know why but my anxiety is kicking in right now.
So I got the storage unit, I picked up my auction items and went shopping! Shopping on Thursday was so much fun! I had a blast! Macy’s, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, Forever 21, I got a Pinkberry with fruity Pebbles, and Taco Bell Mexican pizza! I was free! It felt so good to just be dash drive a car with windows down smoking an incredibly loud music! Just me! But that came to an end when I return the car back. Oddly enough Devon was there – he knew and nodded I wonder if he called Mike?
We had our mandatory zoom meeting on Friday night at 5 PM Mercedes made an awesome taco dinner Kearny Asada, beans, rice! It was awesome! Then just chilled in my room. I have the “teal room“ and I do not have a roommate so it’s really nice! To have my own bedroom is like a dream come true and it’s a queen size bed so that’s amazing!