Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional” – Kathleen Casey Thiesen

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

I’m Sad to leave

How am I feeling physically?

Well I suppose OK I didn’t sleep too good

How am I feeling spiritually?

I’m connected so I have to leave everything up to God

What are my goals for the day?

Getting loose ends tied that’s really my goal

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Avni, Lorenzo, Aidan, and Greg you guys will be missed

Just for Today

May 31 Basic Text, p. 99

Keep it simple

“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment.  When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably.”

Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us who’ve dodged it for so long.  When we stopped using drugs, many of us came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying.  Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming.  We think that maybe we can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try.  These thoughts feed themselves, and pretty soon we’re paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life.

Happily, we don’t have to fix everything at once.  Solving a single problem seems possible, so we take them one at a time.  We take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes.  We learn to stay clean just for today, and we approach our problems the same way.  When we live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect.  One breath at a time, we can stay clean and learn to live.

Just for today:  I will keep it simple by living in this moment only.  Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.

I gave everything to God last night in my prayers and hoping it will be OK. Yet, at the same time “it is what it is“ and “it is gods well“ “God has a plan and just go with it“ doesn’t mean I’m not nervous about it. Yeah, it will all turn out the way it’s supposed to be! I actually slept and woke up at 5:05 AM with an alarm. I felt amazing to sleep so long! Maybe because I’ve given everything to God! Maybe I just relax because I’m getting ready for my next adventure!

9 to 10 AM healthy relationships with Kendra

“Addressing common barriers to working relationships and addiction recovery“

We did worksheets in class about repairing relationships. I’m anxious as I still need to speak with Kendra. Almost to the point of not breathing correctly! Sadness is overwhelming so we’re bad thoughts that I am stuck my heart is up in the air about decisions!

10:15 AM to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

Just was told I have no place to go but Mike was given all the places so I will find out but I will I’m definitely leaving! Dear God, I live in your hands. What will be! I have faith in you. I trust your decision. The first the love of my husband to do what is best for me. I know he loves me, he may not be in love with me but he wants what is best for me. So do you God. I love my family. I love you God. Make all the stress vanished so I can Concentrate on this fun day with my certificate and card! Smile for me as what I need right now! Thank you God!

45 day certificate

Lorenzo said “keep your vibrant self. Find the calm and tranquility of your true self“

Jessica said “sober sisters – we will be women who lunch we will be friends forever“

John C said “I want only the best for you, take it one day at a time.“

Treyson said I love you. You have truly been here for me! You will be missed I wish you all the luck in life. Thank you! We really had some personal moments and therapy“

Dida said “I don’t know you I wish you luck” what can I say she’s only been here a couple days

Stephen said “we will be great friends even . though I’ve only known you for a brief time. Practice mindfulness be mindful don’t dwell on the past stay in the moment.”

Cindy said I love you you will be missed hanging out with you has been wonderful”

Kendra said “you have grown so much! Be true to yourself, I care for you. If you do that you can care for those you love even better.”

And just like that I got my coin and my certificate in my primary therapy group I’m gonna miss them all so very much. I know in the beginning it was tough with all the arguing and animosity. But that’s part of growth we all grew together and we all learn from our mistakes and we all talked it out. I’m gonna miss these group sessions especially Kendra.

My gabapentin and hydroxyzine is working overtime today! I think that it’s best for right now. I’m out and in, in my body, thoughts, etc. I feel loopy but it’s great no stress! No stressing as to where I’m going.

To Do’s

• End leave at Lowes
• Go to lowe’s/lowes.com – transfer
• Get stuff out of my locker at Lowe’s
• Change my mailing address
• Order from Instacart pens a journal and a planner so I can continue writing and keep track of my day since I don’t know where I’m going but I’m sure I’m going to have to have plans and jot them all down
• Get shoelaces out of the shoes and bleach
• Make my brownies before I leave
• Get car insurance quotes so I can have the car when I’m in Scottsdale
• Call the auction house
• Call Avana in Tempe
• Sign up for classes at Scottsdale community College
• Transfer money to Chase card so there is money for incidentals, Since Mike isn’t speaking to me
• Pay on the Lowe’s credit card
• Pay on the PayPal credit card

1 PM Meeting with My Case Manager Jess

Spoke about (finally) where I’m going. I am going to Camelback recovery and IOP. He will not however right now because give me the car because he apparently believes I will drink but I won’t – since they check/UA and breathalyzer. Seriously, and I don’t want to drink. I wish I could just tell him that. Like he doesn’t know what happened destroyed me on the inside I never want to drink again. Well just so over him dictating and controlling my every move she thinks he’s bipolar. By the way he acts and he talks. She thinks he abuses me. He’s too controlling she said she goes maybe that’s where your low self-esteem comes from. I had her listen to the voicemails that I have on my phone that he’s left me and how sweet and wonderful he was. Anyways I’m going to rent a car to get down there and pick up auction things and get to storage unit. I think he’s just being a little ridiculous, in fact he hasn’t stop being ridiculous. He’s really making me pay for this. I don’t think he loves me anymore.

2PM to 3:30 PM Relapse Prevention

I am so excited it’s my time! Kendra never even marked up my relapse prevention plan as if was incredibly thorough! She did want me to add Mike And to repair me plan to it. I read it in front of everyone and there are only one standard comment my “catastrophize Ing“ I did mention that and personalizing in it my relapse prevention plan, but I do generally do this since I’ve entered the shit show I’ve created. It sucks to be me!I am so excited it’s my time! It sucks to be me! well it takes two to tango and Mike is not innocent bystander by any means in fat he hasn’t helped me and has made everything much more difficult! He acts as if this ROI is his personal marital specialist. An ROI has to do with HIPAA and my well-being not his dictating my every move.

All right back to relapse prevention plan it went well this is my last and final class at Decision Point. I had everyone sign my card and in my journal and get some numbers as well. Then Avni Lorenzo and I walked back to the center one last time together.

It was a pretty boring night it was bittersweet as everyone was really tired and we all just kind of lounge around and then went to bed but it was nice to hang out with my girls!

well I’m not sure I got this last work sheet set but it says 531 so I’m gonna add it to the bottom well I’m not sure I got this last work sheet set but it says 531 so I’m gonna add it to the bottom