Day 41 May 28,2022

Slept eight hours last night. Still never going to get used to waking up so early. it is an utter shock every time of where I am at in a twin ved in a treatment center. Still yet, perplexes me, why I haven’t embraced my own reality.

I’m not looking forward to my phone at all this morning. I pray Mike didn’t text. I truly do! We will see! I seem to be saying that a lot. Why? Why can I take my life in my own hands and not rely on his comments good or bad?

Well, no news must be good news, hopefully! No new texts from Mike. Mary texted , however. I sure do miss her. She just texted to say hello! Computer work got done. I looked at two different online classes at Scottsdale community College for fun. A dance class and a creative writing class! I also looked up Sedgwick to call and email about my claim so I can get back to work.

I’m feeling OK so far today. It’s not so good when the sadness can overwhelm you. It’s the littlest of things. I was at the grocery store today shopping and saw all the Gladiolas in bloom all over the store and all Ican think about is how you decorated a vase with glads in my house. Then thinking about Connor and Mike. Like when I am out doing activities in recovery on a hike or maybe somewhere familiar and my thoughts think about them. Especially, when it’s familiar I’m just reminded of them or some thing we have done or been to and I become sad. Even when in the van and we drive by restaurant or place, this sadness is exhausting. I want it to go away, but I don’t! I don’t want to forget my love and passion, or the moments that made me so happy or just a wishing I took more time in those moments.

Truly I know I should’ve taken more time had it not been so consumed over consuming alcohol, (what time, how I was going to, etc.). I want it to go away, but I don’t! I don’t want to forget my love and passion, or the moments that made me so happy or just a wishing I took more time in those moments. Perhaps I would not be where I am today. I guess I didn’t linger in those moments, it’s not just that either. It’s my mannerisms and how I spoke to. I’m glad for Kendra. I wish I never revoked Mike’s ROI, but I in but I needed to be able to open up and be honest. To talk freely without having anything said something be used against me. I’ve never in my life put my walls so high. Fear I suppose. Yet, revoking allowed me to open up.

In doing so I realized how I genuinely acted towards Mike, the way I allowed my parents to talk to me and treat me from growing up and adulthood. I honestly didn’t see anything wrong until I opened up about and began to see in me the way I acted and more importantly spoke to Mike. He never deserve that. Why would I ever tell Mike to “shut the fuck up” or call him “a moron” or an “asshole”. I feel so bad. So damn angry at myself. I’m his wife and love him unconditionally. I always told him I didn’t like the way he talk to me, but that was no way as bad as I spoke to him. How dare me! How could I? It’s like stabbing myself in the heart and wanting to vomit at the same time. It’s unforgivable. I hope I get to apologize to him, I’m on the other things to come. However, I don’t know if I will be allowed the chance. I pray I will, as I know I should and will, given the chance to. Actually, More Importantly I want to show him and Connor. I do not need to act like my mother and father towards them. I can break the cycle and the hold on myself mentally and the way I project myself both physically and mentally. I will be working on this one for a while. This is one of my top “changing myself for the better.“

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

I guess I’m doing well, but still anxious

How am I feeling physically?

Great

How am I feeling spiritually?

Connected

What are my goals for the day?

Call an email Sedgwick

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

For today! The sunshine! And everyone here!

Just for Today – May 28

“We examined our lives and discovered who we really are. To be truly humble is to accept and honestly try to be ourselves.”

Basic Text, p. 35

As using addicts, the demands of our disease determined our personality. We could be whoever or whatever we needed to be in order to get our “fix.” We were survival machines, adapting easily to every circumstance of the using life.

Once we began our recovery, we entered a new and different life. Many of us had no idea what behavior was appropriate for us in any given situation. Some of us didn’t know how to talk to people, how to dress, or how to behave in public. We couldn’t be ourselves because we didn’t know who we were anymore.

The Twelve Steps give us a simple method for finding out who we really are. We uncover our assets and our defects, the things we like about ourselves and the things we’re not so thrilled about. Through the healing power of the Twelve Steps, we begin to understand that we are individuals, created to be who we are by the Higher Power of our understanding. The real healing begins when we understand that if our Higher Power created us this way, it must be okay to be who we really are.

Just for today: By working the steps I can experience the freedom to be myself, the person my Higher Power intended me to be.

“We examined our lives and discovered who we really are. To be truly humble is to accept honesty try to be ourselves.”

I like this one it seems to coincide with what I was talking about With what I was talking about. I realized a lot about myself and I like things that I didn’t like and needs to change.

10:15 AM to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

We just did one of our fun stories today as it was Friday we just needed some time to relax so here’s my fun story that everybody wrote a pardon…

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