Day 39 May 26, 2022

“If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably do much of anything.” Win Borden

I slept seven hours it’s 4:18 AM and I went to sleep at 9 PM. Even though Avni changed apartments and is my roommate, I just want the trazodone to take affect so I can go to bed. Sleep. I slept on my scenario and no Epiphany came to me. I don’t want to drive any more stakes into an already destroyed relationship. I do not react nor react in that capacity sober, I don’t anyways. I don’t play dirty nor do I want to smell like shit when this is said and done. I have respect for myself (funny we talked about that yesterday), for my sonI slept seven hours it’s 4:18 AM and I went to sleep at 9 PM. Even though Avni changed apartments and is my roommate I just want the trazodone to take affect so I can go to bed. Sleep. I slept on my scenario and no Epiphany came to me. I don’t want to drive any more steaks into an already destroyed relationship. I do not react nor act in that capacity sober I don’t anyways. I don’t play dirty nor do I want to smell like shit when this is said and done. I have respect funny we talked about that yesterday, for my son and for Mike. I also have respect for myself. The situation is bad but I do have respect for that. Therefore, I must choose my words and my next moves carefully. In the past few days I realized I am no longer will be Mike Coon‘s beautiful wife he adores and loves. The pain is unmanageable and it does not lessen with every day. It’s a constant hurt shame and sadness, I discussed without myself. I must live with. I’ve asked God so many times why I am still here and why he couldand for Mike. I also have respect for myself. The situation is bad but I do have respect for that. Therefore I must choose my words and my next moves carefully. In the past few days I realized I am no longer will be Mike Coon‘s beautiful wife he adores and loves. The pain is unmanageable and it does not lessen with every day. It’s a constant hurt shame and sadness, I discussed without myself. I must live with. I’ve asked God so many times why I am still here and why he couldn’t let me fall so far that I will not be here, could’ve been accomplished, but that has not happened. Yet, nor do I believe it well. He has given me a willpower I do not understand. I do not understand what I am fighting for or why am fighting at all.

Six days until I leave, nothing happier and nowhere to go at the moment, 45 minutes until I get my phone and start to work on things at 5:30 AM to 6:30 AM. I pray I make some headway.

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Wanting to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand

How am I feeling physically?

Headache it could be dehydration Are constant thinking

How am I feeling spiritually?

I guess I’m OK

What are my goals for the day?

Again I have too many goals

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

My husband, at the moment, for keeping me on my toes – and for not making this easy.

530 to 6 AM phone/computer:

I changed/forwarded my mail to the center here so Mike no longer receives it. I left a message with Camel Back Recovery Sober Living. No attorney reply either. Some weird things happening with my phone/apps. It appears someone is attempting to access my apps. I hope it is not fraudulent. We will see! I need to stop playing with the magic eight ball app – it’s always giving me hope! How sad I rely on an eight ball! Like a child! I just prayed and meditated a bit about my life, my loves, my hopes, my wishes. May I feel more spiritually connected soon.I changed/forwarded my mail to the center here so Mike no longer receives it. I left a message with Camel Back Recovery Sober Living. No attorney repay that. Some weird things happening with my phone/apps. It appears someone is attempting to access my apps. I hope it is not fraudulent. We will see! I need to stop playing with the magic eight ball app – it’s always giving me hope! How sad I rely on an eight ball! Like a child! I just prayed and meditated a bit about my life, my loves, my hopes, my wishes. May I feel more spiritually connected soon.

Just for Today – May 26

“Our understanding of a Higher Power is up to us…. We can call it the group, the program, or we can call it God.”

Basic Text, p. 24

Many of us have a hard time with the idea of a Higher Power until we fully accept the depth of our own powerlessness over addiction. Once we do, most of us are at least willing to consider seeking the help of some Power greater than our disease. The first practical exposure many of us have to that kind of Power is in the NA group. Perhaps that’s where we should start in developing our own understanding of God.

One evidence of the Power in the group is the unconditional love shown when NA members help one another without expectation of reward. The group’s collective experience in recovery is itself a Power greater than our own, for the group has practical knowledge of what works and what doesn’t. And the fact that addicts keep coming to NA meetings, day after day, is a demonstration of the presence of a Higher Power, some attractive, caring force at work that helps addicts stay clean and grow.

All these things are evidence of a Power that can be found in NA groups. When we look around with an open mind, each of us will be able to identify other signs of that Power. It doesn’t matter if we call it God, a Higher Power, or anything else — just as long as we find a way to incorporate that Power into our daily lives.

Just for today: I will open my eyes and my mind to signs of a Power that exists in my NA group. I will call upon that Power to help me stay clean.

“Our understanding of a higher power is up to us… We can call it in the group, the program, or we can call it God.!“

“Don’t worry about tomorrow, your higher power has already been there.“

As we sit in daily focus, my mind has started to wander and no longer is paying attention… All I can think of is Mike’s face and his goatee. I just got the overwhelming feeling I will forget his face. I will forget Connor’s face. Connor will be taller, with a deeper voice and I will have missed it all that is what happens I guess, I’m OK for a minute and then I slipped back into a hole – I can’t get out of. I wish I could just take sleeping pills all day.

9 AM to 10 AM Co-Dependency with Krista

“Have a love affair with yourself.” “This above all: to dine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night of day, though cannot then befalls to any man.” – William Shakespeare

“We may have entered into adult relationships with fragile self – worth, then discovered our remaining self – esteem disintegrated. A few of us may have had our self-worth completely intact until we meet him or her or until that problem came along; we suddenly or gradually found ourselves hating on ourselves.“

Activity:

One how do you feel about yourself? Write about it include the things you like or don’t like about yourself. Reread what you have written.

I feel terrible about myself, about what happened on my part. I feel shame for hurting my family. I feel guilt for what happened. I am overwhelmed by my total self-worth that has been lowered to that of a homeless loser. I feel as if I deserve to be denied love, support, and to be cared about. I feel like I have lived my life up to my husband’s expectations. And I failed him. I failed my son. I like the way I look, I love myself while I’m here – I still know I am pretty. I still like my body.

1015 to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

The Lifeboat Exercise:

We did this exercise in class. I can’t tell you how many arguments happened. It was basically a guys versus the girls. Some people got really heated in the conversation even though it was make believe they said when is this is real. Anyway here it is…

Texting with Mike colon

So he replied to my text. Saying the restraining order was for me and not for my therapist. He further stated that I had to release the restriction or should I say “sign”… So he can see about further treatment with my therapist or I will have to call my mom and dad for money.

He knows damn well that will never happen. I’ve gone years at a time not speaking to them and it’s never broken my heart.

I had already spoken to Camel Back Recovery Sober Living as well as Meadows IOP. Camelback cost $4000 a month so I don’t think Mike will like that at all.

On a different note there’s this really cool site called Delaney auction house. I’m going to need to get a storage unit. I know Mike won’t pay for any furniture so I’m going to have to order that. Mike hates me so I know that he says he’ll take care of me but he won’t.

3 PM therapy with Kendra

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