Day 37 May 24,2022

“We loose the fear of making decisions, great and small; that we realize that should our choice be wrong we can, if we will, learn from experience.” – Bill W

*My Family Scuplt Today

Slept 5.5 hours, it’s 3:30 AM I have so much anxiety, not even the anxiety meds seem to be helping. They probably are – I’m just beyond it at this point. Today’s a new day, perhaps I will get some much-needed answers. I need to write my mile long to do list. Knowing I’m here and nothing will easily or timely or time allotted get finished, but I strive to do so – no pun intended.

I slept OK. It’s just the mornings when I get up I remember where I am and how I got here. My situation doesn’t gradually creep into existence, and abruptly shocks and stands. Is the worst nightmare I’ve ever had to come to floo Asian, every morning! It’s more overwhelming than the laundry monster. So I’m always in a discontentedly shitty ass mood every day. It’s all my doing which makes it even worse… There is no deflecting this shit show I created!

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

OK

How am I feeling physically?

OK

How am I feeling spiritually?

Would like to be more connected today

What are my goals for the day?

I have some PHP to do today

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Mary Avni Lorenzo Dave and Jake not to mention Gregson

Just for Today – May 24

“As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.”

Basic Text, p. 81

Rather than risk vulnerability, many of us have developed habits that keep others at a safe distance. These patterns of emotional isolation can give us the feeling we are hopelessly locked behind our masks. We used to take risks with our lives; now we can take risks with our feelings. Through sharing with other addicts, we learn that we are not unique; we do not make ourselves unduly vulnerable simply by letting others know who we are, for we are in good company. And by working the Twelve Steps of the NA program, we grow and change. We no longer want or need to hide our emerging selves. We are offered the opportunity to shed the emotional camouflage we developed to survive our active addiction.

By opening ourselves to others, we risk becoming vulnerable, but that risk is well worth the rewards. With the help of our sponsor and other recovering addicts, we learn how to express our feelings honestly and openly. In turn, we become nourished and encouraged by the unconditional love of our companions. As we practice spiritual principles, we find strength and freedom, both in ourselves and in those around us. We are set free to be ourselves and to enjoy the company of our fellow addicts.

Just for today: I will openly and honestly share with another recovering addict. I will risk becoming vulnerable and celebrate my self and my friendship with other NA members. I will grow.

I’m not as vulnerable as one would expect. I am always afraid of opening up. It comes from my childhood – I tell the truth and was always challenged, hurt, gotten in trouble. My parents focus so much on me – I wanted to keep my things to myself. It’s not that I don’t trust to tell some, but I can’t tell all! “As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.“

9 to 10 AM Relapse Prevention with Jess and Krista

Mary – Thursday

Avni – Friday

Dave – Friday

Write a letter to my disease:

In class today we’re supposed to write a letter to our disease. They gave us a packet of sample letters to read aloud. And then we were to write her own. I have much more to say in mine but we were given five minutes to write it. I probably will write a much longer one when this is all said and done so I can also say how happy I am that “IT” is gone or “IT” can eat shit.

Fuck you! Svedka!!!!

Sample letters…

My letter…

10:15 to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

So before class started, I was handed the below documents. I about lost my shit. What I was told that all of the information I have given prior as well as asked them to make sure that Mike got it after the court date they did not. I was told today that they won’t contact him because of the court order. I’m not sure why but they said that because there’s an order protection on me they can no longer contact Mike. The staff gave me paperwork on how to put a restraining order on my husband. I was not and I’m not pleased. There is no way I will ever do that. I will not play tit for tat with my husband. For all the love I have for him I won’t do that I am a better person – he may not have respect for me anymore but I will not go to that level or low. I did leave a text telling him we needed a mediator I will leave now and 7 1/2 days and have no financial plan. I’m pretty upset, scared and pissed off

Then the texts begin. I Ask Mike if we can get a mediator and that was not going to fly. He thinks I’m avoiding him. he thinks I’m avoiding the inevitable. He obviously thinks I’m going to come home. I have no plans of that. He told me that my son won’t even talk to me and if I try to talk to him I’m going to prison so the likelihood that I am going to go home now.

And I keep getting threatened about my parents. I’m a grown ass woman I married you so I feel you should take care of me and love me no matter what. it is over….there is no love, understanding, or care. He said he loved me…I can’t trust him, he’s just like my family.

Today in primary therapy group it was my family scope.It was really difficult and there were a lot of tears.

My family scope:

  • Treyson played my husband
  • John C played my son
  • And Lorenzo played my mother

The words to repeat/sentences to repeat over and over in unison are…

  • Treyson: “I talk to you before, you chose booze over your family.“
  • Lorenzo: “why did you do this to my baby boy.“
  • John C: “don’t talk to me ever”

As a repeated simultaneously I started to cry – it was a lot to hear their words repeated to me over and over again. I let it go for one minute, and then I stopped it. The voices I heard loudest and most clear were Treyson and John C, Mike and my son. I then sat down with Treyson in front of me face-to-face and I had to speak to Treyson as if he was Mike acknowledge Mike’s words, fear, and hurt and I didn’t apologize or say sorry saying those words don’t mean anything for me anymore I said I know I destroyed us. I said I will love you forever and never love again, probably never be with another person again. I said I was OK with that and I said I let you go, I want you to leave, if there is no longer a chance… I let you go! Treyson was bawling Mary was bawling Jessica was bawling Cindy with Molly we were all in tears. Treyson and I are opposites in the sense that his wife wouldn’t stop math and his family and friends told him to divorce her. I was his wife and his sculpt a week before and then we did mine. John C then took the seed play my son and I apologize profusely I pleated and balled my fucking eyes out it broke my heart! Then everybody just stood up and hugged me while I was bawling. That was fucking hard.

530 to 7 PM AA Meeting: Meditation at The Methodist Church

I just prayed for an hour and a half. Are you listening? Do you hear me? Are you walking with me? Can I ever be forgiven?

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