Day 36 May 23,2022

I slept eight hours unbelievable. It’s 3:40 AM and I feel really good this morning! Already had a cigarette with marie she leaves on Thursday and I’m greatly going to miss her a lot. Avni and I have to separate for class because we talk too much. I’m very anxious these last couple days because I can’t get anything accomplished that I want/need to. Computer codes don’t work, no responses to emails, no phone to see if HR person at Lowe’s can get me the information I need. On and on and on! It’s pretty fucking ridiculous how this is going down even and a matter what I’m thankful for being here. I’m just trying to get my life, and not here, in order! I keep praying to God for answers to walk with me to be near me to protect me and love Connor and Mike – to ask David and Gloria and my Grandma, and Sarah for forgiveness – I feel this far to no avail. And due time, I suppose. Just let the magic or beauty happen and be present. I know it’s supposed to be hurt. No one ever said this would be easy or that it shouldn’t hurt or that the difficulty I’m having was just the beginning. I don’t know that I am strong enough. No matter my love, I don’t know?

I listen to a Brené Brown TED talk today. A quote from Maya Angelou “You’re only truly free and so you belong everywhere, nowhere which is everywhere. The price is high and the reward is great.“

The absence of love and belonging is always suffering it’s a book by John Capaccio which equals primal loneliness/loneliness is a greater cause of early death. Art has the power to cure. Capture pain and deliver happiness at the same time.

Stop walking around for evidence that I’m not enough – I will find exactly what I am looking for. People shame and dismiss ordinary lives or circumstances – we chase extraordinary moments instead of being grateful for ordinary moments. Until the hard shit happens, the only thing we beg for is a normal moment.

I will determine the line – no one else will!

“Internally sat not externally sat it’s not about winning it’s not about losing it’s about showing up and being seen!”

“This is who I want to be, I want to create, I want to make things that I didn’t exist before I touch them, I want to show up and be seen in my world…”

“If you’re going to show up and be seen there is only one guarantee and that is be prepared to get your ass kicked.”

“If you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked “I don’t want your feedback.“

“What would you try if people never said this ________ about you”

A quote by Theodore Roosevelt the man in the arena “… It’s not the critic that counts it’s not the man who points out how the strongman stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done it better, the credit belongs to the man actually in the arena his face is marred with blood and sweat and Dentist who have best in the end knows the triumph of high achievement and who let the worst if he fails he fails daringly great.”

Show Up and Be Seen

That was really good for me I needed a little motivation and self love this morning! I’m so sad I need to watch some happy shit!

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Wow but I need my phone I need to be able to email and most of all I need to get in touch with the apartment complex

How am I feeling physically?

I’m good

How am I feeling spiritually?

Connected I’m praying all the time

What are my goals for the day?

I have so many… So many

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

Me I’m going to get everything done!

Just for Today – May 23

“We want to be free of our guilt, but we don’t wish to do so at the expense of anyone else.”

Basic Text, p. 39

Let’s face it: Most of us left trails of destruction in our wakes and harmed anyone who got in our way. Some of the people we hurt most in our addiction were the people we loved most. In an effort to purge ourselves of the guilt we feel for what we’ve done, we may be tempted to share with our loved ones, in gruesome detail, things that are better left unsaid. Such disclosures could do much harm and may do little good.

The Ninth Step is not about easing our guilty consciences; it’s about taking responsibility for the wrongs we’ve done. In working our Eighth and Ninth Steps, we should seek the guidance of our sponsor and amend our wrongs in a manner that won’t cause us to owe more amends. We are not just seeking freedom from remorse—we are seeking freedom from our defects. We never again want to inflict harm on our loved ones. One way to insure that we do not is by working the Ninth Step responsibly, checking our motives, and discussing with our sponsor the particular amends we plan to make before we make them.

Just for today: I wish to accept responsibility for my actions. Before making any amends, I will talk with my sponsor.

That’s a great passage today cause we need to be free of her guilt and we don’t need to do it at the expense of anyone else – pretty powerful considering everyone in countless journals about it! We act the way we want people to react to us we predetermined our own outcomes by our own actions! I am my own outcome I am the catalyst.

9 to 10 AM science of addiction with Krista

We talked about paws which is the symptoms of post acute withdrawal.

I’m pretty depressed. I have hit an all time low! I can’t get anything accomplished I have no car, no home nothing Mike has left me with nothing. It is really over. I want to vomit! I’m not well, I feel like I should just be such a loser live homeless hang out with all the homeless people I guess I deserve this. Spoke to HR this afternoon at Lowe’s and my hands are tied I can’t log into the computer I can’t theoretically speak to Lynn I can’t get a paycheck stub because I am on a leave of absence. At the moment I can’t cancel the leave of absence because I am here. I was given an employer number and ID number to try that butI’m pretty depressed.

Mike has not called back yet. He’s psycho called while I was awaiting sentencing, I was not present, and told after the fact, and so he doesn’t know that the whole story but regardless he is now refusing to call back. So nine days and nowhere to go! No car to drive to get there.

At least I got some of my gel pens today. I’m waiting a lot of things to arrive frankly – but the gel pens will be nice!

Volunteering today killed my sense of self and was terrible I felt like Romana Beezus terrible!

What to do? Where to go? How to get there? What, when, how, what, and where!

I’m just lost

5 to 6 PM AA

Women’s AA was nice. The speaker was really funny. Everyone was just worn out.

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