Day 35 May 22, 2022

Slept eight hours it’s 4:50 AM 10 days left and so much to do. One thing at a time, Shannon! Today is our foe anniversary. The day Mike and I exchanged our vows formally in front of friends and family. I wore a gorgeous dress and everything was perfect… Caterers, cake, music! I was gorgeous, amazing, loving – it was a great day, 16 1/2 years ago.

Avni and I went to the gym and it was great it was a good workout. I didn’t like it before but I love working out and actually going to the gym! It could be because it’s an outing and I get to leave the residential and go to an actual gym or now that I’m sober my health is much more of a concern. So I’m putting this in my routine for sobriety.

9:30 to 11:30 AM SOUPER Fun Day Sunday Group Soup With Gregson, Troy and Rebecca

My Daily Focus

How am I feeling mentally?

Disorganized

How am I feeling physically?

A great work out

How am I feeling spiritually?

Connected

What are my goals for the day?

Start step four, call Blue Cross/Blue Shield

Affirmation/Gratitude/Greatness?

I’m gonna miss all you guys we’ve all gotten pretty close

Just for Today – May 22

“The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature. This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.”

Basic Text, p. 48

We know how to recognize the disease of addiction. Its symptoms are indisputable. Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior. When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain. We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes.

Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict. We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling.

If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious. Our best course of action is to get close to these people. As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening.

Just for today: My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening. I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.

Soup of the day…

Spiritual transcendence

I didn’t answer some of the last questions. We ran out of time. It could be that I didn’t want to. But I’m going to now finish them as of July 9, 2022.

Who should I grant forgiveness? Mike for not loving me anymore and the emotional anguish that’s causing me. Connor for not thinking, wanting, or needing his mom anymore. My Mother.

Did I include myself on that list? yes

What is preventing me from forgiving myself? It’s very difficult to forgive yourself when you hurt those you love deepest. Yet, I am slowly coming to terms with the nightmare that happened, doesn’t mean I forgive myself.

What am I doing to show compassion to myself? waking up doing my blog – making it an experience, trying to get out there and doing what needs to be done. And self-care trying to make myself beautiful.

Are there other people who also have similar experiences or conditions like me? Yes, many and some far worse

In what ways am I getting more involved and less isolated? I don’t know… I thought I could go back to work but I can’t even seem to get a job there. They know.

How will I come to terms that I am not the only person who has suffered or is suffering? I know I have to come to terms with that.

Self compassion and mindfulness?

Self Compassion: Compassion is the ability to show empathy, love, and concern to people who are in difficulty, and self-compassion is simply the ability to direct these same emotions within, and accept oneself, particularly in the face of failure. Many otherwise compassionate people have a harder time showing compassion for themselves

goodtherapy.org

Mindfulness: The basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. The goal of mindfulness is to wake up to the inner workings of our mental, emotional, and physical processes. Mindfulness is available to us in every moment, whether through meditations and body scans, or mindful moment practices like taking time to pause and breathe when the phone rings instead of rushing to answer it.

mindful.org

In which way will I use mindfullness? I am trying to be mindful of my reations. It is more difficult lately for me because I never cried. I was always mindful except when I drank, and that was definately not mindfulness. I was broken down to my core a few weeks ago. the tears and the issues I was always mindful of have made there way to the surface and I am dealing with emotions I dont show typically. My mindfulness I am sure will be different when this breakthrough (so to speak, for lack of better words, I apologize) has made its way. I was so mindful I didnt show how much I loved nor cared…there are somethings you should rush to answer. I guess what Im trying to say is (if there is such a thing) I would like to practice ‘healthy’ mindfulness and not the ‘unhealthy’ I learned.

Note to myself:

I wish to ragain my selfworth and my self-confiendence back. I can and will attain all I desire if I can work on myself and my mind. I am grateful for the opportunity to do so at the moment. I am grateful to learn how to be the person I once was and shine. When that is accomplished I will forgive myself. I will show my ‘self’ self compassion everyday until I succeed this goal.

Yoga with Rebecca

Rebecca always does really great fun activities when she’s in charge.

Activities in Recovery

Super Cool!!! Today we’re doing a ropes course. Oh my God, it was so much fun. I loved it! It was great! Everyone had so much fun! Mike and our son would love it and it’s not very far away. It’s near the older homes in town. Honestly so cool, I did not do what they called the wind chimes because I was too sore, a lot, from working out and didn’t want to push it too much!

Step four:

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.“ 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous

So the things that we do instinctually being that we are human sometimes hurt ourselves and others. And the stuff we’re supposed to go back and look at the things that have taken place how they happened what our part/instinct was in the process. These are called Resentments.

Well, I can already tell you, this one is it going to be more difficult than it sounds. Mike always says I like to deflect. I already know myself. That said, the resentments those will be easy but admitting my fault in the situation that is a tough cookie to swallow.

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