Day 34 May 21, 2022

“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there is a scarcity to make it happen.” – Wayne Dryer

Step five. Five hours and it’s 3:40 AM. Last night was so peaceful! I went over to Avni’s apartment for about two hours. She made pizza and we just watched how to get away with murder on the television. I was journaling and she was coloring. It was so incredibly nice to be away from my apartment. Don’t get me wrong everybody is wonderful there. However, no one ever shuts up. They’re so loud with everything that happens. The gossiping and the complaining it’s constant. I feel like I’m constantly held up writing on this twin bed, because the TV is always fucking on. What’s worse is everybody starting to get up at the same time I do and they’re ruining my quiet time. So I’m back in my room the TV finally got turned down. Yeah it’s still loud as fuck. Just think of my mantra only 11 days to go on the 11 days to go!

I’m great now Jim, Mary‘s husband, is coming for a four hour visit today and taking Mary out to dinner. When you were in recovery in charge or PHP, you can have a four hour visit. That’s really a nice thing. Especially for Mary, she talks so highly about Jim and their love and understanding. I know I won’t be having for our visitors and I’m at peace with that. I acknowledge why I’m here where I am and what transpired to get me here. Besides

My friend Avni and I have a lot in common. She’s been through similar to what I am going through. Although, her story didn’t work out., but that’s Avni‘s story to tell. I however know that Mike’s not done. He’s bitter and he’s very angry. No amount of love from my heart right now can fix that. So I feel the worst has yet to come. I do know you have to be separated for six months, Unless some type of law omits that. We shall see, oh I’m sure I will see. Right now, my word is mud. And I have a feeling, then I’m going to screw up regardless of any good intention. I feel like my soul is breaking,and when this is done I’m just going to be a walking soulless shell of a person.

We apparently had a surprise today. Creative expressions is going to be different today. I was already told what it is, as it’s not that big of a surprise. Sometimes they treat us like we’re children, and think the simplest outing is going to make any difference in the world. It’s some type of a potluck and free food, a celebration of sorts. Krista is in charge of creative expressions on the weekends. I stated before we should get new art supplies, so our bad art is on her Creative and inabilities. I guess she tries.

930 to 11:30 AM daily focus with Krista Troy and Rebecca

How am I feeling mentally today?

OK

How many feeling physically?

Hey I worked out

What are my goals for the day?

Getting a hold of my HR manager

What’s my affirmation/gratitude/greatness?

Avni for going to the gym this morning and Mary for getting laid today (that was a joke and I really embarrassed her this morning)

Just for Today – May 23

“We want to be free of our guilt, but we don’t wish to do so at the expense of anyone else.”

Basic Text, p. 39

Let’s face it: Most of us left trails of destruction in our wakes and harmed anyone who got in our way. Some of the people we hurt most in our addiction were the people we loved most. In an effort to purge ourselves of the guilt we feel for what we’ve done, we may be tempted to share with our loved ones, in gruesome detail, things that are better left unsaid. Such disclosures could do much harm and may do little good.

The Ninth Step is not about easing our guilty consciences; it’s about taking responsibility for the wrongs we’ve done. In working our Eighth and Ninth Steps, we should seek the guidance of our sponsor and amend our wrongs in a manner that won’t cause us to owe more amends. We are not just seeking freedom from remorse—we are seeking freedom from our defects. We never again want to inflict harm on our loved ones. One way to insure that we do not is by working the Ninth Step responsibly, checking our motives, and discussing with our sponsor the particular amends we plan to make before we make them.

Just for today: I wish to accept responsibility for my actions. Before making any amends, I will talk with my sponsor.

twelvestepjournaling.com/narcotics-anonymous/just-for-today

Human scavenger hunt

Rebecca passed out as humans scavenger hunt as a way for us to get to know each other. We kind of got into groups and some of us moved about. To see if we had anything in common. Somethings I hadn’t, with others. Here’s the worksheet…

It’s been proven that if you have a daily routine or a daily schedule your chances of recovery are higher. That’s why here we have routines like making sure the apartment is clean before we leave first thing we should do is make our beds. The time of classes how long we get for a break and what we need to do in that break etc. we went through a pamphlet today explaining a little bit better…

1:30 PM to 3:30 PM creative expressions with Krista

Creative expressions was interesting as we went to the park for narcotics anonymous barbecue and a speaker. I ate a chef salad for lunch so I didn’t eat while I was there. I really didn’t mingle because it wasn’t my thing so I colored for the most part. Avni John Pedro and I snuck over to the swings and played even went down the slide, it’s a good slide by the way! We got to leave early which was nice, that made me happy! Narcotics anonymous is so much different than Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean really different, so are the people ,as well. Yes everyone has a substance abuse problem but in relating to and the program, it is very different. Alcoholics Anonymous, AAA, tries not to stand out too much. Where is narcotics anonymous, and a comma is more like lead to be seen and hear me roar dash in your face kind of way. For now, that’s the best way I can explain it really.

At 5 PM last night I got my phone and I could check emails. Mike ordered the door from Home Depot and kindly use my email address as to rub it in my face, that he ordered it and how much. I can’t even email him and tell him to keep that shit to himself. And order protection it only goes one way – so apparently he can fucking harass me, but I can’t harass him! Talk to him! Email him! Text him! Call him! Well you get the drift. This is what I’m calling daggers I’m starting to know we are over. I hope for forgiveness but too many daggers have been sent my way and I don’t know if I can forgive now.

Sometimes privileges just seem to take a lot longer than expected. Even though they’ve been granted just longer. I can’t log onto the computer because IT codes don’t work and they have been emailed. I can’t log into my Lowe’s account as my password needs to be changed due to the length of time I’ve had it or that I’m still on a leave of absence. Lynn, the HR manager, is off so I’m kind of screwed and getting that apartment at the moment. Aargh! fuck!!

Well it’s close for bed. To completely change the subject I have tried to masturbate three times, now that Savannah has left for good again, and I fucking can’t. I love my husband, but if you’re not around nor do you want to be my mind should let the fuck go so I can at least please myself, but no! Not happening! It sucks! Well good night to me! Until tomorrow!

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