Day 33 May 20, 2022

Slept five hours and it’s 3:18 AM good morning! My son graduates eighth grade today! Sadness and joy envelop me. I’m sure Mike has made sure he looks sharp for his big mile stone. Congrats to my beautiful boy!

My sponsor keeps reminding me not to drink when I move out on my own and how unsafe it is for me. What she doesn’t understand is she doesn’t know me! I’m stronger than anyone thinks. I have lost too much. I cannot afford to lose that much again. Because next time it’s forever, I am gone. Mary, Jessica, Avni, Allison will be in Phoenix so that will be nice, and a support group for me. I will go to meetings with them. It will be good. Tempe here I come (hopefully anyway) if the apartment wasn’t already rented.

So as sad as it is to say, I’m a little excited to have my own apartment. To decorate as I see fit or the way I like. Some space for me to write! Space for me to have some freedom. As I sad as I am, I am actually looking forward to this!

I don’t think I can write anymore on the Mike front I think I’ve written, thigh, rationalized, felt, and kilted myself enough. I don’t feel at the moment compelled to write about… Nor do I feel to think about. I know it’s not all I have to say, but for now I am at peace with just myself. I will say some apologies though.

I apologize:

the lack of love you feel

That I made the choice to drink that night

For my actions I’m running away from the police

You screaming at me

Connor to scream at me

The closet getting torn apartThe closet getting torn apart

For being fearful

The door and the door knob

Our son wrestling me

The slap that was heard around the world

For lack of understanding

I couldn’t stop drinking

For all the fights

Most of all for losing you and our son

To Do’s for The Day

  • Call/text my sponsor
  • Call Lynn at Lowe’s
  • Change/transfer stores – Lowe’s
  • Call and order wall calendar
  • Check my email
  • Sign up for classes
  • Get my new computer login
  • Call Avana Tempe Apartments: proof of income and ID verification

Positives For The Day

  • Anti– Anxiety meds
  • Good outfit on today
  • We have a clean apartment
  • I am in PHP/Recovery in Charge (Avni is too)

8:20 AM to 8:50 AM daily focus with Troy

How am I feeling today mentally?

I am sad but on the outside trying to be happy

How am I feeling physically today?

Relaxed

How am I spiritually?

Praying a lot

What are my goals for today?

Call my sponsor and call Lowe’s

What is my affirmation/greatness/gratitude?

My son is graduating eighth grade today

Just for Today – May 20

“We find ourselves doing and enjoying things that we never thought we would be doing.”

Basic Text, p. 98

Active addiction kept us isolated for many reasons. In the beginning, we avoided family and friends so they wouldn’t find out we were using. Some of us avoided all nonaddicts, fearing moral backlash and legal repercussions. We belittled people who had “normal” lives with families and hobbies; we called them “uncool” believing we could never enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Eventually, we even avoided other addicts because we didn’t want to share our drugs. Our lives narrowed, and our concerns were confined to the daily maintenance of our disease.

Today, our lives are much fuller. We enjoy activities with other recovering addicts. We have time for our families. And we’ve discovered many other pursuits that give us pleasure. What a change from the past! We can live life just as fully as the “normal” people we once scorned. Enjoyment has returned to our lives, a gift of recovery.

Just for today: I can find pleasure in the simple routines of daily living.

9 AM to 10 AM Friday Farwell with Troy and Rebecca

Avni – Friday

Mary – Thursday

Jake – Wednesday

10:15 AM to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Wade

Not much to do today because we don’t have a regular Kendra. Kendra is awesome. Wade is cool. we all just went and talked about feelings around the room for the day. We also did a worksheet on goals. The majority of us did really funny goals so here goes mine…

130 to 245PM Life Skills with Mike and Jess

We talked about aggressiveness, assertiveness, and being passive.

An aggressive communication style can also be helpful when exerting physical activity, like at the gym or in a race. Passive Communication Style: A passive communication style occurs when individuals tend not to express their feelings or opinions to others. People take on a passive communication style for various reason’s.

What are examples of an aggressive communication style:

Speaking in a loud and overbearing voice Criticizing others Using humiliation to control others Attempts to dominate Frequent interruption “You” are an idiot.

What are Passive-Aggressive communication style examples?

Sarcasm Subtle sabotage Pretending to be cooperative while subconsciously doing tasks incorrectly Mumbling to themselves instead of confronting the problem.

What are examples of behaviors of an Assertive communication style?

Expressing needs clearly, respectfully, and appropriately “I” Statements Active Listening- listening without interrupting and reflecting on what you really mean to say.

We will see what Mike has to say. I still haven’t heard back from Kendra or jazz or Dave Seymour. I miss my people. I wonder if I will be far away enough if he will miss me if they miss me. Who knows right. I sure hope they do! What F’s are hard for me. I’ve prayed so many times,

why do I feel likeWe will see what Mike has to say. I still haven’t heard back from Kendra or jazz or Dave Seymour. I miss my people. I wonder if I will be far away enough if he will miss me if they miss me. Who knows right. I sure hope they do! What F’s are hard for me. I’ve prayed so many times, why do I feel like Mike in the world isn’t and Connor isn’t hearing or feeling the prayers I sent their way. So I have less than 12 days and I need to find a:

New primary doctor

A new therapist

And I OP

A new psychiatrist

I also need to do some job searches for:

H away management

Party planning

I’m scared they may ask for a guarantor and I don’t have one! Hopefully Lynn can do some magic about the proof of income! I pray, I need to pray, I need to beg God to help me.

I have to prove to Mike that I don’t need him so he knows – I can do this all by myself and he is not an enabler. I need my son back so bad I can’t bre! I love him so very much! I need to shine bright like a star for them!

Sewing therapy here at Decision Point we have a lot of learning and fellowship. I love the anger management I’m learning a lot about how to better control my anger but not just regular anger – the deep down anger that destruction can cause while drinking – to understand ourselves to control our temper and figure out where it came from. Then we can work on mindfulness when dealing with conflict. Especially much more conducive way than wanting to drink. I am very guilty of being angry when drinkingSewing therapy here at Decision Point we have a lot of learning and fellowship. I love the anger management I’m learning a lot about how to better control my anger but not just regular anger – the deep down anger that destruction can cause while drinking – to understand ourselves to control our temper and figure out where it came from. Then we can work on mindfulness when dealing with conflict. Especially much more conducive way than wanting to drink. I am very guilty of being angry when drinking. It only masturbates my anger and I become a total asshole. The Jekyll and Hyde syndrome in the Big Book.

My meds are kicking in it’s time for bed. Until tomorrow!

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