Day 30 May 17, 2022

30 days sober! I get my chip tonight!

I slept six hours last night. It’s 4 AM my coffee is starting to give me life! The first time in a long ass time I have not drink for 30 days! I’m very proud of myself! Tonight we go to an outside AA meeting which is exciting! I’m sick and tired of hearing the same old stories and sitting with the same people! So that will be nice! I also get my 30 day chip tonight in front of and with all these new people! I wonder if I will know any of them? No matter, if they are there, so am I!

Tracie just got up and she is the loudest person in the whole damn world! So much for silence! Enjoy the quiet time to write! I can’t wait to have some quiet time again!

My God I am so broken right now! There’s no more family, there is no more marriage, love, or Mike. There is no sun. And everything I am is no longer. There’s no recovery from what Mike has done now, I don’t think he understands truly what this means to us ever being OK. We will not. He made it so clear I am an alcoholic and always will be. I will never forgive this last blow he has accomplished with the restraining order. I will never speak to him again. I will never speak to my mother, my father, my grandfather, my son, my friends, or anyone else associated anywhere with us. The final nail in the coffin. He has lied about loving me – this is not supporting me in a treatment center and is trying to manipulate me and doing exactly what he wants me to do and isn’t coming from a person that wants to see me strive! It is a place of fear, manipulation, and control – that is not love. Nowhere near, not even Toughlove. I further can’t believe any of his friends, my family (mom, dad, grandfather) are even supporting this kind of behavior. They must be completely on board, however. He said he cried in a ball for 45 minutes in the therapist office crying because “I love you“. I no longer believe that. It’s just another form of his control and attempting to make me do as he says and ones. I wish I could say he is fearful, scared, and wanting – but actions speak louder than words. I know I truly love him and I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop. I realize now I couldn’t tell him because I couldn’t trust him. No matter how much I wanted to be enough and trust that we could/would get through it, this outcome would have been the same, just as it is. So if I didn’t trust him and he doesn’t trust me – we shouldn’t be together and we don’t genuinely love each other. 22 years for nothing. Even though I keep telling myself this; why, do I want him so badly to show some signs of support of wanting to work on this – that he loves me. Why do I keep holding onto some home. I can’t answer why. I don’t even know, in fact I do now… I will never fall out of love with him. He will never be replaced – my heart will always be his until I die. That’s my truth. Sadly he will never know. He will never know my black hole in my hole be left by him, my issue alcoholism that I wish – well is the root of my losses. He will never know that I would have fought tooth and nail forever for him if the tables were turned. He will never know or see how crushed I am. He will never see me striving even though I’m striving not just for myself but for him and Connor too. Connor may one day, if he wants to, that’s why I am not worried about my love for my son. He can’t hate me forever I am his mother and I was/am a great mom.

8:20 AM to 8:50 AM daily focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally?

Lost confused sort of

How am I feeling physically today?

Just OK – not really – there’s no choice

How am I feeling spiritually?

I must believe even though it seems impossible

What are my goals for today?

Speak to my sponsor at 1 PM and get an attorney on retainer get all of my documents from Jess

What is my greatness/gratitude/affirmation?

I don’t have any to speak of, not that there may not be one – or that any of you aren’t my gratitude – I just feel lousy.

Let’s get ready to lie today! My show everyone I’m OK or I’ll get put on suicide watch again. I don’t need everyone watching me or staff looking at me like that. Not to mention me looking over my shoulder or saying the Luxe everyone is giving me!

9 AM to 10 AM healthy relationships with Kendra

Not excited, at all! How much more depressed for the love of everything holy can I get and relationships? Fuck me?

Kendra just told me MaryAnne will be accompany me to court tomorrow.Kendra just told me MaryAnne will be accompany me to court tomorrow.

10:15 AM to 12 noon primary therapy group with Kendra

Jess Just gave me all my court documents. I will have several people (girls) read them I also have to text it to Allison. I’m going to lose all of me about this. I will never be the same. MaryAnne has a copy too.

My plan is to play guilty to everything no matter what. I’ll see what kind of a plea deal I have I’m going to take it regardless. I don’t want Mike and Connor to go through any more pain. I did it on the catalyst. I may have questions but it’s just not the time. I need to be accountable an hour up and not deflect as Mike would say. I don’t want for misdemeanors but I’ll take them.I need to tell MaryAnne what my plans are.

My blood work came back and it’s bad! I foresee this afternoon a lot of new drugs being issued. They came back and said health wise we only deal with mental health, so wait and see your regular primary, you arent so bad we have concers, is what I was told. Im not dying! Yeah!

I have been put on anti-anxiety medication and 60 mg of gabapentin and 100 mg of visceral my anxiety feels better! I feel completely relaxed and it is now!

Sometimes we do fun things in class. We will do a writing assignment where we write something and after 15 seconds we pass it around. We do the same thing with pictures sometimes too. We did both today. Some of them are really funny and ridiculous but they’re fun.

2 to 3 PM women’s conflict meeting with everyone (and I mean all counselors clinicians etc.)

Nice! There was another fiasco with women. Tracie versus Savannah and everyone else towards Savannah. Jessica versus Cheryl and Jaime. It was like a tennis match for me, every time I looked up it was like the ball bouncing back-and-forth between arguments. I just colored One of my coloring pages. I’ve been doing that a lot lately and classes it keeps my anxiety in check and I can color and listen at the same time.

3:45 PM to 4:45 PM women’s spirituality with Krista

Listen to and played with the singing bowls. My favorite is the large one it focuses on the center of your chakra mid body it feels amazing inside. After we listen to music and colored! I love my gel pens and all other gel pens! I colored and I think when I have my phone tomorrow I’m going to some gel pens.order some gel pens for myself!

530 to 6:30 PM AA meeting

It was an actual offsite meeting. It was at the Methodist Church on Summit Avenue and the AA meeting was a meditation meeting. You meditated for 15 minutes. It was nice for a change from the normal with just us, everyone in residential I mean. This is not a chip eeting, so I did not get my chip. Make me sad. I will soon though. I just wanted to bring it with me tomorrow.

Tomorrow is court I’m so afraid! What will transpire? The medication is working and I feel good – worried but not having out of body experience ants anymore! So I suppose I will see! I need to take a bath and relax! Court is at 8 AM.

One response to “Day 30 May 17, 2022”

  1. Congrats on your sobriety! It feels great to wake up in the mornings without the dreadful fog of alcohol, doesn’t it? I wasn’t an addict per se, just someone who’d drank a decent amount every day, and it’s been maybe a year since my last drink, and it’s been awesome. Wishing you many more years to come!

    Liked by 1 person

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