Wow I slept seven hours. It’s 5:30 AM and I could definitely feel the burn my legs but Avni and I are still walking this morning at 6:15. I need to keep moving I can already tell today and tomorrow going to be very bad and tough days for me. I feel anxiety and sadness from the moment I open my eyes today! I have my sponsor today, my phone today, and a list of things to do.
The list of things to do probably won’t get accomplished. I’m genuinely lacking my get it done attitude. I’ve called Lowe’s I’ve called the number they gave me so I can get the fact that I’m working proof of employment (this leave of damn absence ) to the apartment complex and I can’t get that to them and today I lose my $275 deposit. I’m so frustrated. I gave my budgeyamd my lost to Kendra. don’t know where I’m gonna go or what I’m gonna do I wanna go down Phoenix to so I can stay away from Mike and our son because I know they don’t want me. I guess I’ll just see what happens everybody just says God has a plan just let it happen. I wasn’t raised that way anyway I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing so there’s that.
It has been 37 days since I’ve seen my family. I wonder when I’ll ever see them again.
Anyway what am I gonna learn today. We just did our morning walk to and from and up and down Campbell Street. Today will have to go to the gym and update our membership so we can work out before 7 AM. Hopefully we can that can take place. med pass will be soon – yay vitamins! I need to talk to Mary and the owner of Decision Point today about just “not taking me“ to court on Wednesday. I like somebody older and it doesn’t have purple hair.
I’m working on my relapse prevention to turn into the court, don’t know if it will help.
820 10:50 AM daily focus with Jessica
How am I feeling mentally today?
Kind of graduates this week I’m proud and sad at the same time and I have anxiety and a little emotional about court as well
How am I feeling physically?
Trying to keep myself in check and I want to vomit
How am I feeling spiritually?
Praying I just keep praying.
What are my goals for the day?
A lot of goals for today I had a lot of paperwork I finished up for a court and try to Work on my self-esteem just work on me to get through tomorrow
Appointments for today: 3 PM with Kendra
9 AM to 10 AM Science of Addiction with Krista
10:15 AM to 12 noon primary therapy group with Kendra
Daily check in – I’m not doing well. I’m pretty fucked up in my head before class Kender talk to me about Mike. Kendra said Mike kept calling all day and Friday but was told the ROI was revoked at 9:48 this morning and apparently wanted to know where I was going to live and he wanted to know what he needed to do financially. I told her I already gave her the information and he was supposed to be called. She said she passed it on to Jess and I asked Jess and she goes all I misplaced it.then I was pulled, by Mary Anne the owner, after 11 AM because a constable was waiting for me to give me an order of protection paperwork so I can’t see my family. It’s officially over. I found a mediator I don’t know when I can text Mike again but if there is just someone who could tell me what he wants when he wants it I could just get it done I can’t get done what he’s asking if I don’t know what he’s asking. Besides it was done…the ROI wasn’t … whatever it’s done now. I’m just a loser with no family. What’s wrong with me.
I was told I need a divorce attorney, mediator, guardian lit-am, MaryAnne saying I should hire them all. I told her That’s not what I want to do. You have to hire an attorney to protect yourself. I told her I didn’t have money to do so I. I already called different attorneys, they gave me advice, but I can’t hire when I don’t have any money. She said your married and what’s his is mine too. It’s actually he must money for an attorney. I don’t know… I think that sounds ridiculous because attorneys are expensive. I am not sure what am I protecting myself from I would never hurt my family. I would never take away from the vacation or something important.I was also told to wait until I get served paperwork before I make the move an attorney would be easy to hire at that point. I’ve been waiting for these papers to come so it really wasn’t too much of a surprise hurts like fuck, but not surprised.
3 PM therapy with Kendra
Kendra and I went over many times Mike is calling/called the center demanding an answer. I immediately pulled out my paperwork and asked Kendra why? Did I not know he was calling and why wasn’t the information given to Mike. I guess it’s gonna get taken care of now.
We went over my repair me plan but she said it was amazing and said that I repair me plan was perfect and they would make great chapters and she’ll know I’ll get published.
She then asked me questions to answer and I said no I need to figure them out:
1. what caused me to walk away from my career?
or walk away from philosophy or walk away from doing the party planning . She says that the many times I’ve been asked about party planning and doing the gala’s that I light up and I’m always smiling. I really did enjoy it that was a lot of fun. Maybe I’ll try to get involved in party planning even if I just serve.
2. When did I give up control of my life? She’s talking about Mike when did I give him all the control of my life. Because the way Mike acts and his actions and because of the way I feel or at most the time I guess I just don’t have self-esteem right now. They think that Mike has a control freak and when did I give all of the control of me to home him?
I said I told her I get back to her about the questions.
I’m back at the apartment. I think I’ll think about the questions.
- I am not sure why I didn’t want to further myself and pursue something I really loved. I am in Preskett Arizona so there isn’t really the opportunity. I did think about it though. I even asked Jen, who did it with me, if she thought about it. She didn’t! She worked for sacred heart and it was just a job, she also had a lot of family issues going on. For that I understand and feel for her. Frankly, if I move to Phoenix I can easily send out applications. With my resumes to even start edit part time. That would be really amazing!
- When I went through the career meeting with Greg Sam, part of the rehabilitation process, at Decision Point. He asked me all about my degree and if I wanted to go back to school and work on my career. I said! Hell no! And we talked about other careers and if I wanted to continue at Lowe’s, I said I would genuinely love Lowe’s. But not as a full-time job. He asked me is there anything I loved. I said I loved working on the gallows for Connor school. He said, you should see your face light up, as I continue to talk about the process. He saw I had passion and joy explaining talking, etc. so I need or I suppose that’s why Kendra was inquiring about it.
- I will look into and attempt to pursue some type of part-time job to facilitate that. That idea and truly said that if Jen is getting paid, even if not for much money, will make me still have a passion and that joy while doing event planning. We will see. Apparently, I will have much time on my hands.
- When did I completely lose myself and my self-worth to Mike? When did I stop and let Mike have control of who I am? When and at what point did I just let Mike control everything and do exactly what he says with no definite sense of me?
- Wow! What a loaded question, when Kendra asked this and explain what she meant, I genuinely was dumbfounded. After she read my repair me plan, is when she started seriously asking me questions leading up to this. Number three, and my plan says “stop self sabotaging myself with alcohol“. How can I self sabotage; when I truly can’t control? Number eight, “no I am worth love, self-respect and dignity.“ And number 50Wow! What a loaded question, when Kendra asked this and explain what she meant, I genuinely was dumbfounded. After she read my repair me plan, is when she started seriously asking me questions leading up to this. Number three, and my plan says “stop self sabotaging myself with alcohol“. How can I self sabotage when I truly can’t control? Number eight, “no I am worth love, self-respect and dignity”, number 15, “Start believing I am enough.”
- Here’s my thing, Mike never took that away from me – I truly genuinely, wholeheartedly know this. Did I give this to him? Not consciously, did I. The question is when, I believe it happened – but the question is why. Mike has had a different attitude since changing jobs – I recognize that – and his pride and sense of accomplishment. That I recognize and that’s a good thing! I guess it’s not why but when? I know a lot changed when I stopped drastically when we moved to Prescott. I know I’m OK, happy hair or happy – I’m just questioning everything right now!drastically when we moved to Preskett. I know I’m OK, happy hair or happy – I’m just questioning everything right now!
Ladies “Closed” Decision Point AA Meeting
I normally don’t put anything we did in the meeting down. I mean it’s just an AA meeting nothing exciting besides somebody telling their story sometimes are funny sometimes or not. But I wanted to include the prayers that they handed out today I thought it was nice…
I have a lot to think about maybetoo much, my brain hurts. I don’t know I have all the things on my mind… meds are kicking in…Well anyway good night for now