Day 27 May 14, 2022

I slept six hours last night. I’m so glad I have Mary in the mornings, she always gets me out of my morning funk. I wake up every morning reaching over and touching a wall and abruptly realizing I’m in a twin bed. There’s a different net lost feeling until I get downstairs in the early morning and see Mary. She is one of my saving grace is here.

Avni and I again got in trouble on Thursday. Because we have a gym membership you/we can walk to people, but to the center just as far as way it must be three people. So I know the rules aren’t difficult, but so many times they change them or modify them it’s hard to keep track and if that was the only instance it would be one thing!

Anyhow as of yesterday our walking privileges were given back, they understand our confusion, and I apologize genuinely about my mistake. But the great news is my gym membership is back! I’m so very excited! Yes, me! Yes, a gym! Yes, working out! I need this it’s not just for stress I need it for I need it for the endorphins I need them badly! It’s my version of Mike’s I love you to a boat. I don’t need the hole in my head, but I want it and if I have it I’ll use it. So I have all privileges again, and that’s awesome! You forget the privileges you have before you come in – and realize once you get some freedom – how badly you abuse your freedom with your addiction.

Was putting away and freezer taco soup I made and crockpot – and my thoughts went South! It’s hard to keep my thoughts in my head, I don’t want to drown anyone else with them. Like I wrote before anticipate and look forward to this court date being over! Things don’t add up legally as procession of legal activity should – so I am scared! By that I mean, I haven’t seen or been served or contacted in person or otherwise. I don’t understand! I was told I need an attorney and told by the judge he would appoint me one then denied more than a week later! I wish I could get out of my head. It’s Saturday so that’s more than four days of brain fuck and mental torment and torture! This too will pass everyone keeps telling me but it doesn’t make me feel any better, or make the nightmare any less.

It was a good work out an hour makes all the difference in the world! An hour to take the stress away! An hour where I don’t miss my son and husband! An hour I’m not thinking about how sad and destroyed I am!

930 to 11:30 AM daily focus with Kristina and Rebecca

How am I feeling mentally?

Work out did my head good

How am I feeling physically?

I left the building and worked out so I physically it’s a good thing

How am I spiritually?

I think God for getting to leave the building and work out! And I pray every day for a sign of hope!

One of my goals for the day?

It’s leg day – more working out on a hike! I love the hikes

What is my affirmation/greatness/gratitude

Getting into the outdoors and seeing the trees in hiking

Daily reading

“Mistakes“

I get I am to learn from my mistakes – what is wrong with the fact I couldn’t or did I? Well I’m definitely learning from them now! I do have four different rationalizing in my head on my thinking of my mistake.

Black-and-white thinking, catastrophize Ing, should statements, personalization… We’re supposed to train your brain to stop thinking like that. I’m no good so I am bad.

Setting boundaries

Truly not an issue with my big mouth and telling people what I like and don’t like, want don’t slashwant need equals no for me and fuck you and no! Maybe I should start setting boundaries against myself!

Activities in Recovery

It was a great hike today! We went to fireplace Springs. What a cool hike it’s good to get out of my brain! I’m back in my brain now! Three days I’ve officially lost my worldly legally and 18 days I’m alone forever! I should never have left California, they may be Fake friends but they’ve seen my whole life! I’m so unhappy. Soon I get Saturday FaceTime phone – only apartment searches for me! And emails! Tracie is planning some game night my apartment – I’m trying to figure out where to hide – probably my normal… The women’s center! Oh good Tracie canceled game night so that’s cool.

Phone time today was tough I filled out an application for an apartment. The apartment is in Tempe. I probably have to stay in Arizona until I’ll court stuff is finished, then maybe I’ll find elsewhere in the country or maybe even a abroad! My mind keeps going to help – I need to stop.

My roommate Savannah Ran away. All her stuff is still here, but she ran! Sometimes I wish I was still young enough to choose my life differently. I would’ve chose France. Not my family and not Mike. I’ve always resented not going to France. Maybe I would have not gone to the river that memorial weekend, then I wouldn’t have talked to Mike on the dock and taken that picture that reminds me of the day I knew I wanted to be near him. I suppose I could imagine my life differently, but would I still end up here? That psychic in Sedona Mike and I went to, but he saw a different one, but he flew me to Arizona to stay in Sedona when I was in college. The psychic said I will only have one love and a long love line. She also said you can make a choice and either be happy in love or grow old with lots of liaisons. Now I assume she was talking about then, past, Because I was going to France and thinking about moving for school, and a little hung up on an old flame! Probably the latter. I chose Mike, he chose me and now we don’t choose each other! If that psychic could have predicted today… I’d have ran for the fucking hills – as far away from this ending as humanly possible. So maybe I would’ve made a different choice when I was younger, but here I am now! I believe in faith; however, and free will. Meaning you may choose differently, but in the end feet will cross maybe even several times and tell what’s meant to be is. So I’ve answered my own damn question. I would choose Mike, marriage, baby, House – and I guess alcohol addiction – yay for me… Good job Shannon or or thank you universe.thanks universeIf that psychic could have predicted today… I’d have ran for the fucking hills – as far away from this ending as humanly possible. So maybe I would’ve made a different choice when I was younger, but here I am now! I believe in faith; however, and free will. Meaning you may choose differently, but in the end feet will cross maybe even several times and tell what’s meant to be is. So I’ve answered my own damn question. I would choose Mike, marriage, baby, House – and I guess alcohol addiction – yay for me… Good job Shannon or thanks universe. I just lost.

Going to the gym again tomorrow then on a big hike again. Some more extensive and excsessive working out. Is the only thing and saving grace period that in a sleeping pill that knocks me out at 8 PM. What else could be more pleasurable to stay here. There is such a void, I want it to just vanish, disappear! So I guess I get Savannah, I only too well – I only know how to run away.

Dear God,

Make sure Connor and Mike have all they need. If they need anything take it from my heart and my soul and my body – everything and anything – all of me! For them and their needs please! Love, me

The song is called someone to stay.

“Someone to Stay“

By the Vancouver Sleep Clinic

You were left alone in the cold, Clinging to the ruin of your broken home,, Too lost in hurting to carry your load, we all need someone to hold, you’ve been fighting the memory on your own, we all need someone to hold, nothing worsens, nothing grows, I know how it feels being yourself in the rain, we all need someone to stay, we all need someone to stay, hear you falling and lonely, cry out, will you fix me up? Will you show me home? At the end of the day you were helpless, can you keep me close? Can you love me most? You drink it down, you spat it out, and nothing tastes like the things you had, so turn it, Too lost in hurting to carry your load, we all need someone to hold, you’ve been fighting the memory on your own, we all need someone to hold, nothing worsens, nothing grows, I know how it feels being yourself in the rain, we all need someone to stay, we all need someone to stay, hear you falling and lonely, cry out, will you fix me up? Will you show me home? At the end of the day you were helpless, can you keep me close? Can you love me most?We all need someone to stay, will you stay, we all need someone to stay, will you stay.

Thank God it’s med pass and I can put another day away. Not drinking isn’t hard. The fact that I destroyed my life and my family haunts me. I just wish I could talk to them. I am changing and growing everyday.

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