Faith in Me, Hope for My Future & Love of My Life

I slept 9 1/2 hours. I was really sick last night. I can’t literally see straight. Just dizzy. I’m getting more and more I slept 9 1/2 hours. I was really sick last night. I kept fainting, I puked, my stomach is on fire, I have a headache, and to make matters worse 26 days and only five movements. I am so constipated I can’t literally see straight. Just dizzy. I’m getting more and morenervous about my upcoming court date. This isn’t fun. nervous about my upcoming court date. This isn’t fun… which is probably the most inappropriate thing I could say… Fun? I am so fucked I need to write a letter to the judge at some point before my court date, I don’t know why I’m procrastinating. Macy should’ve already delivered my dress and shoes, but I’ve not received them. I keep trying to find light at the end of the tunnel, some thing that will make this better, some thing to give me hope. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Maybe when I leave and I can actually get my iPod back I can download some meditation and take some yoga classes… Maybe even try hot yoga again – sweat out my pain and anxiety and angst. I get my phone today from 12:45 to 1:45 and I’m not sure what to look at just yet. I almost think I should be punished. So I’ve been talking to all the ladies about DCS I need to focus on only me, do not mention Mike only talk about me and what I am doing. I need to make a list of what the ladies have said and have them write me a list and continue to review and prepare. I’m nervous I can do this even though I don’t know and I don’t want to! Shit I guess I’ll look up DCS Stuff today for an hour.

820 to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally today?

I’m scared shitless

How am I feeling physically?

Literally and metaphorically stuffed and stuffed up.

How am I spiritually?

Praying… Every second I can

What am I goals for today?

Remove ROI immediately and get my walking privileges back

I also finished at Step 3 today.

What is my affirmation/gratitude/greatness?

Tracie and Jessica for helping me

Appointments for Today: none

Daily Reading with Jess

God doesn’t give us more than we can handle… Are you serious right now! My shoulders aren’t that big man!

9 AM to 10 AM Farewell Friday with Troy Krista Rebecca and Angela

Nicole: leaves Sunday

Declan: leaves Saturday

Kyle: leaves Sunday

Cade: leaves Wednesday

I’m getting stairs from Kristen Angela. I don’t think I’m very fond of that Krista definitely don’t like Angela! They are very shady and nosy and they rubbed me the wrong way quite frankly.

I’ve been so accepting these last few days I feel like I am growing I’m very excited about my recovery. I’m trying anyway. So this is the original OG of the repair me plan where it was written and there’s things in it that didn’t make it to the big plan; so here we go:

1. Realize I am not the only alcoholic that ruins something
2. Stop self sabotaging myself
3. Focus only on my recovery not worry about anything outside
4. To work my steps with a sponsor
5. Get a permanent “older“ sponsor
6. Remove ROI
7. do not allow Kendra to speak to Mike anymore
8. Write the judge a letter
9. Take classes needed
10. Get an apartment
11. Follow my bucket list
12. Stay in love with myself
13. Attend meetings to keep my brain on point
14. Stay clear of my toxic family and remember what my therapist said about loving them only out of distance
15. Let Mike go
16. Realize that just because I’m an alcoholic that doesn’t defined me
17. Hold onto my son forever and be there when he’s ready
18. If I ever feel the need to drink talk to somebody (in some of my plans that includes Mike and my son – but they are no longer an option)
19. Make new friends separating myself from all mutual friends
20. Possibly move to a different state or at least to a completely different county
21. We’re going items on my bucket list for sobriety goals
22. Leave my old world behind and only focus on my new life
23. Open myself up to self love meditation
24. Listen and trust my soul
25. Trust my heart
26. Believe in me
27. Know that I am with love, self-respect, and dignity
28. Understand that relaxing is important
29. Get back to doing things that I love
30. Go to the gym and work out my stresses and grievances
31. Grow from my discomfort and practice some tough love on myself
32. Dance like no one is watching like I used to
33. And I get frustrated forces smile and think of a funny – rearrange the situation in my head and smile and laugh at myself
34. Get my book published for myself
35. Continue to write my feelings in a journal and my thoughts to better understand where I’m at
36. Attend AA meetings
37. Commit to service work ( not just AA)
38. Read to escape and to mentally set my brain
39. Have some simple fun get an icy, eat an ice cream, get a corndog just sit and savor
40. Paint and craft
41. Cook an advanced or in-depth meal
42. Watch the sunset – Learning to enjoy it for myself and by myself
43. Watch the sunriseLearning to enjoy it for myself and by myself
44. Smile at strangers
45. Do something nice for someone

Today was tough removing Mike from my ROI was sad and has caused me a great grief. I thought that including him it may help him knowing that I am doing well. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that is the case at all. I need to let him go so he can grieve and process. If that didn’t hurt my soul, finding and looking for a divorce attorney was worse. I want to make this as amicable as possible, but not talking me and putting almost impossible demands on me/upon me while I can’t do anything in a treatment center – I just need a mediator and advocate for me. I know this will piss him off, but he said work on me and do by myself. That includes protecting me. You know what else is hard when I laugh and make jokes, have fun and giggle. I feel an overwhelming almost enormous amount of guilt that I shouldn’t be enjoying myself, becoming my old self again. Like I don’t deserve to not be miserable. It’s not that I don’t think I shouldn’t get better maybe it’s guilt because my family can’t see it. Well whatever the reason I hope that one day maybe they can. Some of the hard stuff is coming up. Court on Wednesday. I will write a letter to the judge and get all of my treatment center paperwork together I would be lying if I didn’t have anxiety! I would be lying if I wasn’t scared. I also would be lying if I am looking forward to getting this over.

Well it’s time for bed! It’s time for a new day! And it’s time for a new journal!

Step three complete: