Day 25 May 12, 2022

Slept 4 1/2 hours. I have one word, – that is, 9 V battery – OK to words, fucking smoke alarm! Seriously I had to find someone on duty luckily Michelle, the night nurse, found a 9 V battery in the office on the men’s side and that little fucker stop chirping! Christ almighty. Sadly when it started I almost fell out of the twin bed trying to roll over to tell me to change the battery, ours are high up and I can’t reach them besides he’s the ones that took care of that. Needless to say, it has started as a rough morning! 3 AM rough!

Ordered groceries last night, hopefully I won’t be missing items as usual. I hate that they order from that Fry’s on Miller Valley, I hate that place.

I remove Facebook and Instagram yesterday. I am controlling my environment. Mirza texted apparently Tuesday evening saying she was thinking about me and hoping I’m getting healthy and to call or text. My reply… “How many people house he told Myrza “ then I’m sure he’s getting advice his alcoholic friends. In fact, he’s the one that calls them alcoholics. But I guess as long as they’re happy drunk so you can drink. Not in my house you can’t happy….So it seems, only when he says you can.

I’ve decided I’m going to move out of Prescott even though my job is here. I think it just would be better. Hopefully I’m established enough at my job and loved, respected, etc. that I can find a full-time manager position within Lowe’s somewhere else. Ay Yi Yi! What a shit show oh well, he’s only hurting himself right now, he doesn’t know it yet, but he has and is! Defamation of character is a big deal! I know that’s a stretch. I’m just fucking angry and pissed off right now and tired! It won’t go anywhere and I would never do that. I ruined my own character right!

All right, enough of that shatter! It’s much too early for that today. At 1 PM I have an appointment with a new sponsor the old one was 23 years old and there was no relating! Victoria is at least in her mid-30s so at least a little bit more my age to say the least. I need to read pages one through 24 in the big book and take notes – per her homework assignment. I’ve already read it but I will reread Bill story again. I need to highlight what stands out most to me in this read.

Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book” 1-24

‘Bill Story’

page 1, “Ominous warning – which I failed to heed.” So true how many warnings cryptically have I seen heard or known and still did not stop!

Page 3 “drink was taking an important and exhilarating part of my life.“ That’s how it started but how did it end up with it being important only?

Page 5 “I woke up. This had to be stopped. I saw I could not take as much as one drink.” I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt when it really got bad in November 2020 that this was not normal. I’ve ruined 2022’s holidays: Christmas, New Year’s, my anniversary, Valentine’s Day and Easter is ruined. I tried to stop but I couldn’t and wouldn’t last more than three days. Not only did I ruin holidays for my beautiful son but now I’ve ruined my marriage and my family unit.

Page 6 “I told myself I would manage better next time, but I might as well get good and drunk then. And I did.” “The remorse, whore and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable.” So true. I would push off the day to try another day, only to feel so overwhelmed with guilt I would just repeat the process.

Page 7 “it’s somewhat relieved me to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weekend when it comes to combating liquor…” So true I can and cannot understand the extreme desire.

Page 8 “no words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had my match.I had him so overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.“ Mike can’t understand I lost my way and I could not say no, or not drink between the hours of 4 to 8 PM.

Page 12 “it was only a matter of being willing to believe in a power greater than myself.” Once I arrived at Motel six and as well as Decision Point, I knew something had to change and it needed to be stronger than me which was going to give me hope to even go on.

Page 12 quote for a brief moment I needed and wanted God.! I wanted to become a Catholic a year before I felt I needed some thing as things are getting worse in my head. Mike said no he wouldn’t do it. He was punishing me for not having a small part-time job and drinking – things just got worse in six months I really couldn’t stop.

Page 15 “I have seen hundreds of families that their feet in the past that really goes somewhere; have seen the most impossible domestic situation’s righted; feuds and bitterness wiped out.” This is my angle save my family and live, love and bring joy not only to myself but more importantly to them.

Page 16 “An alcoholic in his cups is an on lovely creature.” that is and was what I’ve become and a lovely creature that has destroyed the most healthy relationship, emotionally intimate relationship… The love of my life – my husband and my gorgeous beautiful perfect son. I have hurt what I truly cherish the most.

‘There is a Solution’

Page 18 “an illness of this sort – and we have come to believe in an illness – involves those around us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all things worthwhile in life. It engulfs all his lives touch the suffers it brings misunderstanding, fears, resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives (spouses) and parents – anyone can increase the list.” Wow that just sums it up! I wish and pray – there will be resolution and an understanding.

Page 19 “We feel that the elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. And much more demonstration… Lies before us in our retrospective homes, occupations, and affairs. I have faith that I can do this eliminate drinking.

Page 21 “His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little.” How many countless times has Mike and my son said I’m just different when I’m drinking. I don’t notice any difference just in my head I feel better.

Page 21 “He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish.“ Yes! I’ve gotten a lot of trouble… There’s not much more I can say sensibility is out the window.

Page 21 “He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls down the structure on his head by a senseless series of sprees.” Jekyll and Hyde: that’s what I am when drinking to excess I am unrecognizable to myself my son and my husband.

Page 22 “… Wondering means another debacle with all its attendant suffering and humiliation why is it he takes one drink?“ I wish I knew. I wish I was the mom I was supposed to be.

Page 23 “The fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice of drink… Excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really make sense in the light of the havoc and alcoholics drinking thoughts creates.“ Seriously, I’ve created havoc thinking at 7 AM when it’s 9 PM telling my husband or son it’s time to get up or telling my son to do his homework when he has. I am such an asshole!

820 to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Krista

How am I feeling mentally?

Fairly OK, Mike has asked for things near impossible while I’m here.

How am I feeling physically?

Still sluggish – sleeping OK – an allergic reaction

How am I feeling spiritually?

I pray every night – most prayers are just taking away Mike and Connor’s anger and sadness

What are my goals for the day?

Meet with my new sponsor

What is my affirmation my greatness or my gratitude?

Everyone here – I’m really finding a lot of kinship in my disease and addiction with you guys

9 AM to 10 AM Codependency with Jess

Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie

Page 67 chapter 6 “Reacting usually does not work. We react too quickly, with too much intensity and urgency. Rarely we can do our best at anything in this state of mind. I believe the irony is that we are not called upon or required to do anything in the state of mine. There is little in our lives we need to do that we cannot do better if we are peaceful. Few situations – no matter how greatly they appear to demand it – can be better by ass going berserk.” I need to be more consistently reactionary. My anger wants to control situation, but I need to let some things go. I need to think at the end of the day will it matter tomorrow. More than likely no! Just because I feel gaslighted – I can diffuse the situation by not antagonizing and demanding your points that doesn’t matter at the end of the day.

Page 69 “For instance, saying if you love me you wouldn’t drink to an alcoholic Makes as much sense as saying if you love me, you wouldn’t cough to someone with pneumonia” Makes so much sense, but only to me the alcoholic. I’ve created a toxic environment for my family, because I didn’t talk, take responsibility for making the situation not larger than it was. I tried to control it.

Page 71 “troubles and feelings go wild when we try to cage them inside. Talk about your feelings. Take responsibility for them.” If I only did I wouldn’t be here right now.

10:15 AM to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

Patrick is leaving Friday. He is only staying 30 days. He is leaving early from the 45 day stay. He’s doing that because he feels that he has learned as much as he can in the program and it’s time for him to go back to living and work. He’s doing his relapse prevention in our group therapy today.

I am fighting for the fight of me and my husband and my son.!.!

3 PM Therapy with Kendra

  1. Rent/apartment
  2. Must see the Apartment/s
  3. Order furniture
  4. Who the fuck is going to get my boxes – what’s even inside my boxes?
  5. Get insurance on the car when it’s still in his name with no title/nova number

Mike apparently said:

All right so Mike apparently said IOP, sober living to Kendra. And Kendra saying that we were both there when Mike And said it two days ago. I am pretty good memory and I don’t remember that nor do I know that Mike even knows what the acronym IOP is. Someone would’ve had to of made mention and told him this before. I’m not sure who, no who am I kidding it had to of been Kendra. And that makes me distrust a lot of things. Meaning I can’t fully talk about engage in my feelings if everything is just going to go to Mike. I don’t know if he’s going to use this in court and that scares me. I like Kendra too. And I love my husband. But if I don’t feel safe and talking about my feelings then why even bother. If I keep them bottled up inside even when I leave I haven’t changed or even thought about how to change.

My homework assignment for today is the repair me plant or as I’m loving the name it “The Kendra Repair Me Plan”. I need to focus on me more and not on Mike I need to change something but I’m not sure what I’m gonna have to think about this.

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