Day 24 May 11, 2022

I slept 5.5 hours and I still feel like shit today. My heart and my head is pounding from crying so much yesterday. I am in a much better place than yesterday. But still it’s pretty bad. I spoke with Allison and marie about it they were very helpful and fantastic listeners. Allison leaves today but will text me her divorce attorney. I need to hire an attorney for the court case, it’s getting too close, and too much is at stake! I will work on that today there is some thing important I should talk or write about. When I spoke to Mike on the day of my Arraignment on April 12, 2022 he was sad he spoke clearly and concisely though. But he was very very sad. Yesterday he wasn’t. I mean he wasn’t broken and destroyed – you can hear that in his voice but he yelled. He actually, finally got to yell at me. His voice got to be heard, by me! That makes me feel better because I need him to feel better. My love for that man is so deep that I seem to care more about making sure that he gets what he needs to process, to be OK, to get through this – more than myself.

I know I can do this, I know I will bounce back and be OK. I am and always have confidence in myself even when drinking and I understand the rules while going through this process. If I never get to be a part of our family we made, if I never get to be able to love my husband again or to have an emotional intimate relationship with him. As long as he’s OK – I can let him go. That’s how much I love him! On that note it’s time to get back to the treatment center today I have a lot of people to face – I was crying, antisocial and quite frankly a bitch. I will not however apologize for my actionsI know I can do this, I know I will bounce back and be OK. I am and always have confidence in myself even when drinking and I understand the rules while going through this process. If I never get to be a part of our family we made, if I never get to be able to love my husband again or to have an emotional intimate relationship with him. As long as he’s OK – I can let him go. That’s how much I love him! On that note it’s time to get back to the treatment center today I have a lot of people to face – I was crying, antisocial and quite frankly a bitch. However, I will not however apologize for my attitude or my actions. I don’t have to! I’m more than entitled! I’m sick and tired of apologizing when I don’t mean it and smoothing things over when others are unhappy by my attitude/actions caused by what I am feeling. i’m allowed to feel. I’m allowed to feel shitty. I’m allowed to feel sad. I just need to feel. So today will be interesting, I’m sure people will be reserved around me, and I am OK with that.

820 to 8:50 AM daily focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally today?

I’m exhausted – lots of tears yesterday. There is almost way too much on my mind right now. I feel pretty bogged down too.

How am I physically?

I’m spent I am seriously spent

How am I spiritually?

There is a God? If so I’m definitely on the fence right now.

What are my goals for the day?

A lot! A lot!

What is my affirmation/my greatness/my gratitude?

My love for my husband and the fact he got to yell while his type of yelling, add me as a girl you’re told to find a man that loves you more than you love him no one tells you that because of his love it’s returned deeply and purely threefold right back out then so deeply.

9 AM to 10:45 AM Dialectical Behavioral Therapy with Dr. Summers

Aargh! Not my favorite! I try really I do! I need to find and be more open minded!

“There are three solutions to every problem one. Except it. Two. Change it. Three. Leave it.“

Very close to the serenity prayer. “Change the things, I can accept the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference“ – well something like that anyway I’m close. That’s just the way my brain wrote it! So maybe I’m changing things so I can’t accept my alcoholism and at the moment I understand what I am doing!

Accept: I am an alcoholic!

Leave it: no more done/gone/adios!

Change: not do/drink for me!

We did a bunch of worksheets and class on triggers and distress…

And something for fun…

11 AM to 12 Noon Anger Management with Krista and Jess

We did a worksheet on our anger scale and talked about it all of us in class we went around the circle on our anger is ItsFunneh guys anger is pretty mellow up until a certain point and then they just go nuts. But woman’s anger she goes from like one or zero being OK and by two and three she’s already off her rocker. And yes that does include me.

2 PM to 4 PM Family Sculpt with Kendra, Wade, and Andy

Again, I don’t participate I just watch! Well it was a sculpt on my personality I’m strong, assertive, not afraid to say what I want and what I feel, when I need the space. I am sweet, good-natured and loving always – just not afraid to say what it is I need for me! Everyone said I have an amazing personality. I thought that was pretty nice, it made me feel a lot better. I wish I could see a change or maybe I didn’t change from that I don’t know I just miss his voice I miss talking to him.

All right so.… I’m trying to rationalize everything I don’t even know if what I’m Going to ride at seven gonna make any sense. I’m just trying to wrap my damn brain around the whole thing I’m so confused. I don’t know whether dammit I don’t know what the man saying he’s controlling and Annie as he wants me to take care of myself so I’m not sure what the fuck that means so here goes my terrible thought process or rationalization skills…

All right call number one after the horrible horrible thing that happened was April 12, 2022 at approximately 10 AM. “What do you need“ “I’ve already called an attorney, we are separating paperwork is being drawn, you will be served next week at work“ I said I won’t be at work next week I am checking into a treatment center on Monday. “That’s a good start““I support you on that and have them call me, and I will pay for it.“ He said “you understand you will never see your son again until he’s 18 years old and makes that choice and you can’t ever come back.“ We are also getting a divorce“ I said no Mike – please I’m going to get help “no this is done“ is what my said he then said you will get $2000 a month for three years and half of my 401(k). I begged again and he said “I love you Shannon“ maybe you can come back home if you can stay sober pay off my domestic violent charges finish the classes anger managementHe said after that only then can you move back home and be a family again. You chose booze over your family. You need to do this for yourself. I then sent an email and he replied see attached than the tags “I’m done and ““your drunk“ “you’re an alcoholic“ I talk to you and you chose alcohol/booze over your family the last set of tags were sent on May 1, 2022 I responded when this text was sent as I just got my phone for the first time for 10 minutes and my phone hadn’t fully loaded hadn’t touched or seen my phone since April 18, 2022 at 10 AM. On May 17, 2022 I replied I am an alcoholic and I am working on myself. I accept it I apologize for what I put us through no reply on 58 Mother’s Day I sent my son a text and my son replied don’t talk to me I only had my phone for seven minutes. Monday with my phone privileges I saw my son had texted ever which was texted on Sunday but after I had already had my phone. On Monday I texted I apologize son. I did business on my phone and turned it back in after texting Mike about renting an apartment. Mike texted back on Monday at 3 PM I no longer had my phone texting “I paid off the Toyota so you can have that To drive and not to call our son and don’t call him. I’m sure Mike’s just making a paper trail so he can use everything that I’ve ever written or told him since this happened as evidence that I’m a horrible shitty asshole person and I don’t deserve my son. Then I guess later on that same day he called and left a message to Decision Point telling people he was going to put me in prison. Oh and can you make sure she told me yesterday. Prior to this until Kendred 850 in the morning which was yesterday I wanted to talk to are not reading any of Mike’s tags until Wednesday May 11 and 2022 at 12:45 PM. At 11 AM on Tuesday I finally talked to Kendra about leaving I don’t want to sit here trying to get sober for my family if Mike doesn’t give a shit. If he doesn’t support me what the hell am I doing. He won’t speak to me only calling me out on a problem he doesn’t understand. I went back to residential and ask for my suitcase Kendra asked me to come back and the conversation ensued with Mike yesterday. OK I’ve written down my bones so far what do I got?

Well I just went back and read it it’s A bunch of jibberish. I don’t know what I’m talking about I don’t know I can’t put it together it’s so push pull. I do know this I need to get some of these questions out of my head and on the paper because if I don’t I think my brain is just going to explode… I can’t take it anymore.

So here are the questions I’m writing down that I need to get out of my head and autism paper maybe that will help.

  • Does Mike love me?
  • Is Mike still in love with me?
  • Well he wait for me?
  • Can my son of forgive me?
  • Can I find a place to rent?
  • How long will it take to pay off this ticket?
  • How many classes/how long to finish?
  • Does Mike want me to succeed so we can be a family again?
  • how long do I need to prove myself to him? how long do I need to prove myself to him?
  • What does you need to do everything for yourself even mean?
  • Is he doing this because he says “enable me“ but is it he doesn’t think I truly love him?
  • Will I be enough when he’s ready?
  • Will he ever know/understand what addiction, alcoholism and the disease that it is?
  • Well he understand ever I didn’t choose to not have my family?
  • Is it going to stop telling the whole world?
  • Does he think letting our son wrestle me and allowing our son and I argument and having him scream at me is an OK thing will he ever admit that he did anything wrong?
  • Should I hire an attorney I mean a divorce attorney?
  • Can I do this without his support?
  • Why won’t he see me?
  • Is he not seeing me because he thinks he won’t go through with it?
  • He can’t stand my mother why is he including her?
  • Where am I gonna live?
  • Why couldn’t I just stop drinking?
  • What is wrong with me why do I drink?
  • I love my husband and my son deeply why couldn’t I just choose them just them and only them?
  • Does Mike still think I only have sex with him because I’m drunk?
  • Does my son really hate me?
  • Is my mother finding pure joy in this?
  • Does Mike think I only have sex with him because I have to be drunk?
  • How much money do I need to me to live in Prescott?
  • Should I even stay in Prescott?
  • I want to move to Phoenix but do I really want to move to Phoenix?
  • I want to believe this one and happy – is there a Hope?
  • Should I even hold onto hope?
  • How am I going to find an apartment in 20 days?

All right there’s my what when why how and where I think that’s the way it goes anyway. I’m pretty tired.but I’ve asked all the questions I believe I will ponder keep pondering and drive myself crazy with. Do I have an answered any of these questions? No I can’t answer any of these questions. Is it helping me to ask any of these questions over and over and over in my brain – no!So I need to focus on me and as things come into focus or light I can have an answer and move on from there. The divorce attorney Will happen, I need to understand and ensure fairness after all I need to “work on myself” and protect myself. No I know Mike would not ever try to hurt me, and I don’t believe he is not acting and what is best. However if he’s not going to talk to me and have this go amicably – I need to hire a voice for myself. Mike won’t like it, not concerned not concerned at all right now about that part.

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