Day 23 May 10, 2022

“When we are in love We seem to ourselves quite Different from what we were before.“ – Blaise Pascal

…Or what we are apart before or after.

Happy birthday, Dad.

I slept 6.5 hours. Yesterday was definitely a pity party. It’s a pity party because I know I am getting punished. There’s a fine line where I am at right now. Mike is mad and hurt and talking to all of his friends are friends and his family. I don’t think any of them are helping his situation or mine for that matter. I know him too well, if I’m too strong and fight I lose him and and my son if I’m too weak I lose him and my son and me. I’m literally at the edge of each side of what seems a double edge sword. A quagmire quite frankly – I can’t get myself or my brain to wrap around. I decided last night I’m putting my hands up, not making any chest moves. Just leaving this up to God. This is all I can do. Nothing more.

I told God last night when I prayed – help me see the light and I trust you. I gave myself to you. Get this shit out of my head. I don’t want pretend arguments playing around the clock with tit for tat, pity parties, nor fabricating in my mind grandiose thoughts of getting back together. I don’t know anything and only God can help! But can he?

Met with Bonnie yesterday. Apparently she does genogram therapy. It’s quite an interesting concept how you go through family history and issues etc.. As we walked through everything in my family. Everyone in my family has serious fucking issue’s. I mean everyone. I don’t just mean issues like mine an alcoholic. I’m talking issues from growing up traumatic things. I do not have any traumatic past experiences and nor does my son so besides being an alcoholic and slapping my son, my son and I are the only normal ones. Normal so to speak, that’s relative isn’t it. You don’t really want to be normal but you don’t wanna be flawed or a society calls flawed. Anyway besides that taking forever to explain every single family members issues and that doesn’t just include immediate. It was found that my immediate is always focused on me. What the fuck does that even mean. I will need to Google more facts and sometimes therapist/S give you their editorial version of what they perceive or think and I’m more of a factual person and need the actual facts and definitions before editorials and ideologies about me, myself, and I can be understood or acknowledged. So let’s see what I find:

Genogram therapy is:

Focused on is:

So no wonder not only if my family is crazy and fucked up, regardless that means I am. My poor son that means he screwy too. No but really, that’s crazy. I guess it makes sense though.

I did look for an apartment yesterday, Christ they’re expensive. They are about as much if not more than my mortgage – scratch that my ex-husband‘s mortgage.

8:20 AM to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally?

I’m feeling ridiculous to be honest. I’m not sure if I’m angry sad or depressed maybe it’s a combination of all. I guess that equals ridiculous.

How am I feeling physically?

My stomach hurts for the trouble in my head.

How am I feeling spiritually?

Given giving everything up. I just don’t know.

What are my goals for today?

Speak with Kendra – tell the truth.

What is my affirmation/gratitude/greatness?

For Mike and my son for trying, it’s just done.

Appointments for today: 12:45 PM Dr. Debbie the psychiatrist

9 AM to 10 AM healthy relationships with Kendra

How do you go from a healthy relationship to a trouble one that just ends – today’s class was interesting to say the least. Again it’s been one of those days where everything related in classes seem to be related to how I’m feeling right now.

.So I thought that might calling me all the time meant that it was a good thing apparently they’re not talking about calling all the time and checking in saying hello I love you I was just thinking about you isn’t the same thing as calling somebody all the time because they’re stocking them trying to figure out where they are or what time they’re gonna be somewhere else etc. So by the regular definition I do have a healthy relationship.

And I’m not feeling good. I really don’t know what the point is anymore. I know Mike is supporting me financially by paying for Decision Point. But he’s not paying for anything else. He left me $200 cash petty for if I need anything for the 45 days. Luckily before I got here I bought five cartons of cigarettes to last the 45 days. (Funny though I don’t know if they will because I am smoking like a fiend. Being so upset and worrisome and guilty and mad and angry… like a chimney.) Anything else has to come out of my bank account and there’s a total of $500 left after the motel stay. So I’ll prescriptions that need to be refilled come out of that account. So without a job right now cause I’m gonna leave of absence how is it I’m going to pay for this apartment and do everything else I need to do without him helping. So to make matters worse about everything and freaking out about money. I’m in adult I have to be able to take care of myself.

There was just no winning today! I am just so sad down in the dumps, what is the point?

Kendra is calling Mike, because I want to leave. I know he doesn’t support this – God I wish you would. I’m outside having a cigarette in the cigarette section and I just keep praying please Mike please Mike please Mike please Mike love me give me any sign that you love me.Kendra is calling Mike, because I want to leave. I know he doesn’t support this – God I wish you would. I’m outside having a cigarette in the cigarette section and I just keep praying please Mike please Mike please Mike please Mike love me give me any sign that you love me. 

Kendra’s come out of her office and says that Mike is on the phone she says to come in he wants to talk to you. I think my heart just skipped a beat. My mind is racing.

Well Mike screamed at me and Kendra‘s office on the phone. We are divorcing. I can’t see my son. They are both in therapy. Mike says he cried for 45 minutes in therapy crawled up into a ball because he said he loves me. I fucked my son up. I have to attend supervise visits and pee in a cup. Mike said something about sober living but I’m not sure what he means by that. Because I know I will never go to sober living I will not live with a bunch of 20 to 30 year olds. So I guess I will never see my kid. Mike says it’s going to be a long time before I can ever move back in or be a family. If I contact him or Connor again he will restWell Mike screamed at me and Kendra‘s office on the phone. We are divorcing. I can’t see my son. They are both in therapy. Mike says he cried for 45 minutes in therapy crawled up into a ball because he said he loves me. I fucked my son up. I have to attend supervise visits and pee in a cup. Mike said something about sober living but I’m not sure what he means by that. Because I know I will never go to sober living I will not live with a bunch of 20 to 30 year olds. So I guess I will never see my kid. Mike says it’s going to be a long time before I can ever move back in or be a family. If I contact him or Connor again he will Have me arrested and apparently put me in.

He told Kendra in private and repeated to her he’s afraid I’m going to commit suicide. So now everyone is on high alert here at Decision Point. Then she, Kendra called Mike back and said that I would know what take care of myself man. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but it’s not good I’m so sad I’ve cried all day.As of right now I’m going to figure out a way to end my pain and Mike and Connor’s to As of right now I’m going to figure out a way to end my pain and Mike and my son’s too. I just haven’t figured out a master plan cutting myself isn’t going to happen. It needs to be quick something I don’t think too long about, and probably and just, but; it Hass to be painless. I didn’t want give Mike nor Kendra an answer to my leaving this facility yet. Kendra has the audacity to say look at all the people who love you here – what the fuck do I care, they don’t know me! I don’t even know me right now! I will say this if I decide to stay and if I decide not to commit suicide it’s a little difficult as I’m being watched! I need a bucket list things I want courage me to be sober and things I can do all by myself as Mike so brilliantly commented. All of us that said I will start a bucket list.

I was at the center waiting for a ride, because I refused treatment today. After Kendra and the mic thing I just couldn’t stay. I was bawling everyone was hugging me or at least trying. I didn’t want to be touched at the moment. I am in a safe environment for support even if I’m not getting the support I really need.

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