“If I know what love is, It’s because of you” – Hermann Hesse
Letter to my husband never sent:
My heart is broken, not as broken as yours. You have lost me. He lost me to an addiction. Now that I’m seeing me for the first time and what I can only imagine as years, I know that my loss isn’t as great as yours. I wish I could tell you I chose this, that might make you feel better. You, please, need to stop thinking that your words weren’t heard, That your pleas or your love was not. I don’t want you to think that you and My beautiful boy or us wasn’t enough. Somehow I gave my brain a chemical imbalance that by using/drinking too much or too little, that I don’t quite understand. There was no control, no rationalization, no mental mindset.
I don’t choose not to love you, I did not choose not to love our son. I did not choose not to be an us. I did choose to hide it, conceal it, to lie about it, and convince myself I had control. I did those things so I would not lose. That’s how messed up my brain was.
I had myself so convinced I did not have an addiction and I was in control I gave myself “white coat syndrome”. My blood pressure was so bad that’s what I told all, not just one, all medical professionals. I even went to links to take your blood pressure medication so I could lie, convincing myself I did not have a problem. Proteins in my liver, beginning stages of fatty and cirrhosis of the liver I still thought it would be OK and I could stop.
When I knew I couldn’t and I had just about ruined everything, I told myself, you and our son are better off with me, just dying. It was going to be OK cancer, liver disease, heart attack that would have or was going to be better than admitting I have an actual disease. How selfish is that? are better off with me, just dying. It was going to be OK cancer, liver disease, heart attack that would have or was going to be better than admitting I have an actual disease. How selfish is that?
You and our son aren’t triggers. They say triggers are slashcan be people, places, things, anger, sadness, happy, good, bad, anything. I have given so much conscious thought about this since I’ve arrived a treatment. I like it, I thought I was me, I was a better cook, I was a better person, a better wife… I don’t know – my head is/was crazy town there is something wrong in my head so I did not choose this. It is bigger than you could weigh on your shoulders or I could handle myself.
No more “I’m sorry”; “no more broken promises “they are not believable anymore. I apologize, though I know it doesn’t help. I’m clean and sober and I thank you for your support for treatment. I see the person you and our son have lost if you could see my fearlessness, my attitude coming here my laughter – I am not lost nor a broken person.
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