Day 22 May 9, 2022

Happy birthday, Mom.

I slept seven hours last night. I woke up at 3:16, had a cigarette with Mary. I feel better. Tracie, Mary, and Jessica are still really sick! Thank God I took the keratin – it has been my lifesaver!

If I only had spite at the moment….

So I have received over 20 emails from Amazon of Mike changing some thing, I really don’t care, I just keep deleting. Actually no I really do care that is my account I made that account on Amazon only had books. When I was pregnant with Connor that’s how I saw Grandpa’s books. It is not Mike’s account at all yet in true Mike fashion he thinks everything is his and he can do whatever he wants and manipulate any situation because he is the controller! What a fucking joke! I might just wait until Game of Thrones starts and cancel all the TVs in the house or any other password on the app I have – just change it! Not actually it’s really not worth my time. He can have the power that’s what he wants and that how petty he’s going to be damn fine he will anyway take it all!

Every time I think now this can this can go well this can happen this can get better. Then I think of all of the things I’m trying not to remember I’m trying not to really write them down, but can we really reconcile. Can we really fix what’s broken. Is it really just me? 22 years is a long time to be with somebody plus being friends before. I don’t know? There’s so much good and so much worth saving. But I guess the question is not to be mad at Mike to be mad at myself.

820 to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Jess

How am I feeling mentally?

Manipulated, used, powerless

How am I feeling physically?

Much better today I feel much better

How am I spiritually?

Always praying for good things sometimes it just seems more difficult than others

What are my goals for today?

I have so many goals where do I begin

What is my affirmation/greatness/gratitude for the day?

Savannah for making yesterday special and a lovely card

Just for Today

Oh and I am writing about it. Every chance I can get I’m journaling.

Appointments for Today: 1 PM with Jess but that needs to change because of my phone privileges now

9 AM to 10 AM science of addiction with Krista

So we played the SMP game to start. The SMP game is a word game. One person says a word and the other person says a related word but not using The letter S or the P. Whoever uses the S or the P is out of the game. Whoever uses the same letter as the person prior or in the same word related theme that’s going around the room is out.

We worked on a use your brain and not your pain today. As you can tell I’m still a bit bitter today. I’m sure and I know do not get me wrong I do know that I have pain and brain issues but from the literature I got you’ll see my bitterness today. And I know I shouldn’t be bitter, butuse your brain and not your pain today. As you can tell I’m still a bit bitter today. I’m sure and I know do not get me wrong I do know that I have pain and brain issues but from the literature I got you’ll see my bitterness today. And I know I shouldn’t be bitter.

10:15 AM to 12 Noon Primary Therapy Group with Kendra

We talked a lot about meditation and practicing meditation with your anger and an anger situation so eventually you can learn overtime there is patience. I guess anger is our theme for the day. In my brain and in class. Funny how sometimes you feel some thing and the whole day is based around it. At least I’m learning some thing. Something valuable.

‘Meditation Exercise: Noting the Hindrances’ from One Breath at A Time by Kevin Griffin he says, “… Guided meditation on seeing clearly into habits of the mind. Take great care when doing this practice that another layer of negativity doesn’t appear; when we begin to see clearly how the mind behaves, it can be disturbing. Realize that negative habits of the mine are common to most people, and that they’ve been built up over a lifetime. Gradually we can chip away at them, but we can’t expect them to disappear overnight.“

So if this day wasn’t a shitty day. Horrible shitty day. Mike not only dropped off some of my mail, opened, and my thyroid pills. He did not however send any of my clothes, but he said he would. I am definitely getting a divorce. And if that didn’t make matters worse during my cell phone time I have been looking for apartments. I only get an hour on my phone, so I figured if he wants me out of the house so bad he would be willing to accept a phone call or an apartment. Also, I haven’t had an income for 14 years give or take and he needs to be on the lease and he’s paying for the lease so I would think he would accept the phone call but now you’ll see his text below.

I can’t wait for med pass. I need my trazodone, so I can sleep, and get rid of today I just need to get rid of today. I don’t know what’s worse sadness or anger. I’d like not to have either.

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