Day 21 May 8, 2022 Mother’s Day

Slept eight hours today. I have a cold or a sinus infection so I made myself sleep. I woke up with green snot, so I went back to bed. I’m going to be sick/call out sick for this mornings daily focus because sitting in forest air will make matters worse, but I will do the hike today to get the blood pumping! It’s now 5 AM hung out with Mary at 4:30 AM. Aargh, coffee isn’t even helping. Normally coffee will help dry up my shit – not today!

I know I said I was going to call out fake an illness but I am really sick. And it’s Mother’s Day and I have no creature comforts. Just a smile from my son or a call from my husband that would even be a better creature comfort than a Blankey and some Sudafed.

Mike’s text telling me that I chose booze over my family or I chose alcohol over my family. It’s really upsetting me and when he says I talk to you and you chose alcohol over your family it just makes me so sad. I really didn’t but he seems to think so. I love that man, I love my family I didn’t not choose them. I did choose not to tell Mike I needed help that was a choice. I didn’t want to admit I couldn’t stop, that was a choice. I wanted to but I didn’t he could talk to me until I turned purple and I didn’t talk to him back, that was a choice. I felt guilty every time you spoke saying things like don’t you feel better we love you more when you’re not drinking. Guilty ass as he spoke my voice in my head said admit admission of a problem. Yet I didn’t I really believed I could control it. Drugs when we were young, that was easy. I’m in pain take a pain pill, that’s easy. Alcohol that’s easy being wine beer or anything other than vodka. I don’t know what the fuck happened, but I can’t not get vodka away, it’s quick to get me feeling of the person I thought I was. I know that’s not true. I am now more the person I it was right now not drinking. I will omit drinking something else ever ever vodka. I can’t drink. I never want something to trigger anything inside me that says “I’m good“ or “I can handle.“ I can’t. I won’t. The wonderful thing my one positive is how that I see physically. What I look like now in my body and how my body is internally… I feel joy laughter, the way my brain is reacting – so now I’m not losing anymore of me! Maybe that sounds so Selfish. I know deep down it’s not. I can’t convince Mike that no matter how much he talk to me that by any means he was going to change my brain chemistry that he alone was going to make a difference. Not ultimatums, bribes, taking away vacations, screaming, yelling etc. I have written a letter to Mike he will never see, nor will I ever sent. He is not ready or once my correspondence.

It is Mother’s Day and besides having a cold I’m sad. I know I am being punished by Mike. He is taking everything away from me. Throws all your hurt at me I can take it, I will as I have told God I will take it all for both of you and only wish you happiness my loves. I am strong enough and you can’t break me. I probably won’t be able to use the phone because I have a cold – they call that a refusal of treatment when you sick and I’m not allowed to leave the apartment.

I made broccoli cheese soup and I’m drinking peach tea – even though you’re not here my love my sweet boy so I can show you I’m back. I can only thinkIt is Mother’s Day and besides having a cold I’m sad. I know I am being punished by Mike. He is taking everything away from me. Throws all your hurt at me I can take it, I will as I have told God I will take it all for both of you and only wish you happiness my loves. I am strong enough and you can’t break me. I can only think great and wonderful thoughts about you my boy.

I took a break from the “Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood” to smoke and the unthinkable just happened. I know I’m in the ghetto but the wails of that baby across the street. It took staff here 10 fucking minutes to call the fucking police – 10 minutes of a child could be being hurt. I hate it here what the fuck! I couldn’t even call anyone! We don’t even get phones! The police came hopefully that little baby is OK. Made me think what if there’s a real emergency which is supposed to run down the street screaming. Apparently so.

It’s 2 PM I just need to sleep. I’m so tired right now. Took a three hour nap already. I have the chills – only three hours to sleep meds I’ve never looked so forward to 8 PM. Nah who am I kidding I look forward to 8 PM every day. 8 PM is my now witching hour, where I get to go to sleep. And not have the dread I have inside me. It’s only when I wake up I still wonder where I am and I realize and everything comes crashing down.

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