Day 19 May 6, 2022

I was woken up at 2:30 AM to take my thyroid medication for blood work then officially woke up at 4 AM. So I slept six hours. Getting ready for today excited for ANR activities and recovery today. We will probably just go to the park, but I am looking forward to just laying in the sun – just being me! Don’t feel like playing games – unless kickball… I may participate then!

12 vials of blood drawn and two different lab reports and two different orders… I’m so dizzy. Toast is chosen – need to put some sustenance in my body.

820 to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Krista

How am I feeling mentally?

A lot sad

How am I feeling physically?

Good – I feel good

How am I feeling spiritually?

There aren’t enough prayers

What are my goals?

A little personal but I do have goals

What is my gratitude/greatness/affirmation for the day?

Not drinking, because there is a small part due to Sunday and wants me to say fuck it.

Appointments for today: 9 AM with Jess

Well it’s 9 AM so now I’m speaking with Joe S about my court case. I don’t know what the prosecutor is bringing to the table, but I will accept it. If I fight it only prolongs it and affects Connor. Given the severity of my black out. I accept my fate. I only got my phone for 30 minutes today I got a text from Mike but maybe I didn’t have enough time to do it’s thing. So I don’t know when he sent it all I could say was just got my phone when did you send this so stupid!

I will have my phone Saturdays from 5 to 6 PM and Monday Wednesday and Friday from 12:45 AM to 1:45 PM. I will get this Sunday but that will be just me looking for apartments and not Mother’s Day for half an hour.

Had good classes today but I miss most of Friday for a while, that’s OK at least I got to touch my phone. I don’t want to look at social media at all – that’s for sure. I’m afraid to know! Not many more gut punches I can handle, and that’s basically me punching myself.

We are having girls family meal tonight… So don’t want to! Apparently this is a treatment center thing. Yet, being this is my first and only time and there are many girls have been a lot one girls been to 16. I just want to finish my books I’m working on so I have income and can pay my child support, and put money away for Connor’s college.

It’s deep clean today and I must clean. Almost halfway through I am doing well – I won’t write later – Friday cleaning and I’m being summoned…

Deep cleaning done! Until next Friday at least. So personal check in with myself….

My laughter is back. I didn’t realize my life is changed. Everyone keeps commenting me on my life, and I wonder how could I lose my life. Then there is wet, people find me funny – was I ever funny? Yet something inside me has joy! I mean I can’t explain the feeling of joy. I’m waking up clear. I never thought I had a hangover, but it’s clean and clear my brain. So joy, a contagious laugh, people want to be around and I’m funny! Who am I? I didn’t realize I left… I mean, I left and went somewhere. I lost me? I get no more diarrhea Like I used to every day. But there’s more, I have less Star City on my skin, less wrinkles, brighter eyes, brighter skin! BUT ME….?

Mike was right I couldn’t even see the person he fell in love with was no longer there. I don’t think the drinking hurt as bad as not seeing me. I don’t hate people anymore – I’m getting along with people – I just thought I was always an asshole, crabby, cranky, irritable, and pissy. Nope… Joy, laughter, laughing, just light. That’s how I feel light, not bright like a lightbulb but like a feather. I feel free? I’m so confused I’m happier and I stop and think trying to rationalize who the fuck I am. I don’t remember this girl, at all! Just like every time I look in the mirror, even in a shitty public restroom, I have to double take, I’m not trying to be full of myself, but I am really pretty. I don’t know who I am, but for now that’s my check – maybe soon I can stop trying to figure out what the hell is happening or maybe I can just remember and be me.

So Trey and I talked last night and I need to formulate my text to Mike I need to be able to text him back and then I need to do a mock up text to Connor I know what I wanna say but I know that Tracie will help me just say the right things.

Mockup text to Mike:

Me: I accept it. I am an alcoholic and I’m working on myself. I apologize for what I put us through. I love you both and you are my world.

Tracie: I accept it. I am an alcoholic and I’m working on myself. I apologize for what I put us through.

I wasn’t sure about, but Tracie said to remove the I love you’s. She also made mention and said that I should have a rebuttal because he may come back and say something but I need to make sure that I have a rebuttal and then I don’t answer it angry just stick to the script is what she said so here goes:

Rebuttal: Again, I apologize. I only get my phone for a few minutes a couple times a week and our family is important to me.

Mock up text to Connor:

I love you to the moon and back I apologize for how hard this is on you, mom is working on herself this time I’m doing some things different so we have a better future.

I have written this all out so I wouldn’t forget or get sidetracked by any nasty comments or comebacks or fuck youse or I’m done. I admit my faults? I’m not sorry nor do I promise, because they no longer have any meeting. Sorry I was in promises I used too much for too long and have broken a strong man and an innocent boy. This is my fault and no matter the outcome there will no longer forever be “I’m sorry, I promise… “ I will not drink again “

We went over symptoms of depression and we had a handout. Here’s a copy of the handout:

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