Day 18 May 5, 2022

I slept seven hours woo hoo, but I’m feeling like I might come down with a cold. There is a slight tickle on my throat not too bad or huge but I slept longer than usual that tends to be a telltale sign. I will have to ask the nurses for some emergency or vitamin C it when I get to the center today. On an unrelated note…

He should not be named because of my situation and I’m trying not to give into these thoughts… I keep having sex dreams. I can’t do anything about it, with a house full of people and in a twin bed. I am horny as hell. But I need to focus on me and my addiction. I just can’t stop thinking about him. Oh my….🔥…..his kisses on the back of my neck. The way his body encompasses mine. How his hands make my skin shiver with pleasure. The first feeling when he enters that makes me gasp. The way his goatee feels while he kisses all over my body. Having my mouth full of him and that little bit that I taste and I know that I’m pleasing him. I’m crazy all over just thinking about it.

It has almost been a month since I’ve seen, spoken to, or touched him. Knowing that he probably never will and he’s probably already starting to date or have liaisons. He told me that’s what he would do, breaks my fucking heart. I know I acted like I didn’t care when he said it, but I truly do. I’ve lost so much to a $3.99 dollar pint bottle of vodka. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I read my repair my relationship plan last night and again this morning at 4:30 AM. A plan I wrote, that is only and can only be one-sided, because of what I’ve done! I try not to feel like a piece of shit, but it’s always and will always be there. I should just plead guilty, crawl under a rock, in the middle of death Valley and never speak see my family again – I believe that’s what they want and want from me. When I say family – not my parents. They’ve not been there for years – not even Mike respects them – we only do it for Connor. We move far enough away so they would stop coming over. I’m 50 years old and though I love them, I don’t need them. I saw a therapist when we moved here and talked extensively with her about them and worked on my emotional and rational way to keep them and love them- with out needing them. So my place here now is OK – and no need to talk about it. However, I’m sure Kendra wants to know just like she would like to see the police report but NO!

820 to 8:50 AM Daily Focus with Krista

How am I feeling mentally?

Fair and good at the same time I don’t know

How am I feeling physically?

It’s another one of those days physically I guess I’m good I’m here I’m present

How am I feeling spiritually?

There aren’t enough prayers in the day but I guess I’m going OK

What are my goals for the day?

Just write

What is my gratitude/gratefulness/affirmation?

I gotta say one word “coffee“

Appointments for Today: Vape store 12 noon

3 PM with Kendra

9 AM to 10 AM Co – Dependency with Krista

Well I laughed and I went back to residential sick. I took a nap, but woke up of a dream sobbing. He was just there. They were near me. Maybe it’s just the laundry monster. I’ve never woke up sobbing crying before. I can’t fall back asleep, I’m too afraid so I’m up sitting on my bed. At least I’m alone. I shouldn’t be self wallowing, but when it hits me. It just can’t – I don’t want to – I just need to be strong Shannon – just be strong.

2 PM to 3 PM Cinematherapy with Wade

Well I’m back this afternoon. I don’t want to miss much. I wish I had my creature conference and tea and honey and the ability to take Tylenol and cold medicine without being asked to 50 fucking questions.

We watch videos and movie spotlights looking for help redemption, reflection, etc. These are the movies I got chose by others here:

Key and Peele “Consequences”

“EnterTheVoid“ – horrible horrible horrible… It was chosen for consequences… The death scene, oh my God. Remind me to never watch that movie and longest death I’ve ever seen and so realistic and grossed me out. I mean it really upset me.

The news story on the Maricopa district attorney – she died of alcoholism and complications of alcoholism.

The end scene of “leaving Las Vegas“

“Rudy“ – fortitude was what the clip was being used for – the scene where he was feeling sorry for himself when he shouldn’t have been he should’ve counted his blessings and the gentleman in the scene with Rudy tell him all that he needs to be grateful for that he seems to have forgotten.

And lastly “motivation“ a Denzel Washington clip of him giving a motivational speech

So everyone gets a chance like I said to show a video music clip or a song. I always wanna pick one but I can never decide which one to pick or if I actually go and people will like it.

3 PM Private Therapy with Kendra

Therapy lasted today for a while until 4:15 PM. We talked about my treatment plan and updated it. We extensively talked about why Mike wants to end and divorce. She play devils advocate while reading my repair my relationship plan, asking if I did get a divorce would I still follow with my plan. Of course, I want to see my son.

We talked about Mike’s past. I said he holds onto stuff like a girl, she had me explain. Mike when he’s mad still holding he onto things – ok thugs that happened. Like when we were dating. Then something that I did and why he should’ve never married me. Sadly it’s not just one instance… We also talked about how he was raised, his age versus his brothers, his mother, how his father worked so much and he really didn’t give him all the attention he deserved, and his Dad died very young. There’s one thing I never talked about as I promised Mike I never would so I never mention the one thing that really does hurt. He can talk about it himself how he felt growing up and up until the end.

Mike throws anger at something when he’s sad and hurt. I know this sounds horrible! But I said and have always said he is the most loving and caring man in the world. I told Kendra I know you advocate for me, but please just leave Mike alone, whatever questions he asked please answer, but you only need to tell him I am here and working on my program. I did advocate for myself in regards to my phone, cell phone, I need to find an apartment she agreed because I can’t hold onto hope. And she suggest I get a lawyer to go to court with Mike and a lawyer for my pending court date. So I will have my phone from 1215 to to 115 Monday, Wednesday, Friday and 5 to 6 PM on Saturday for a family FaceTime. Even though I don’t do family FaceTime.

I’m pretty gloomy right now. I wanted to grow old with my husband and watching Connor grow up with so much love. I guess I won’t get to do that. I wrote Connor a letter tonight it’s pretty short it’s about Mother’s Day and I just wanted to send some thing so we knew that I loved him. It’s a letter never mailed.

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